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Unhealthy Attraction Dear John: I have a crush on a woman at my work. She is several years older than I am, and is married with two kids. I know that this is an unhealthy attraction. The trouble is, I don't know how to fall out of love with her. I'm extremely shy around …Read more. Temper Problems Causing Tiffs With Girlfriend Dear John: My girlfriend claims I am very argumentative — which I am. Needless to say, we fight constantly. Sometimes, though, I feel as if she is picking on me and that I have to defend myself. She says it's no use arguing with her, because …Read more. Divorce Is a Painful Experience Dear John: I have been divorced for two years now. I did not want the divorce, so it was a particularly painful experience. My ex-husband still attends my family gatherings. And it hurts every time I see him! Although my children are from another …Read more. Physical Relationship With Co-Worker Becoming Complicated Dear John: A couple of months after starting a new job, one of my colleagues and I got physically involved after an office party. Unfortunately, now he has informed me that he is steadily seeing someone else. Still, he'd like us to "stay friends." …Read more.
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Considering Infidelity

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Dear John: I've been married for 18 years to a wonderful, loving, caring woman. Recently, I have been flirting more heavily with my best friend's wife. The two of us have decided that we want to involve ourselves in a sexual relationship, but all I can think about is ruining the lives of my wife and my friend. What should I do? My feelings for this woman are almost that of being in love. Please shed some light on my situation. — Bad Husband, in Denver, Colo.

Dear Bad Husband: Mature adults know that every impulse they feel in life is not one that they necessarily must act upon. For example, if the bank teller turns his back on a pile of dollar bills, you might feel the impulse to take a few off the top, but that does not make it right. Both of you have been enjoying a flirtation that you've allowed to get out of hand. But the fact that you feel this attraction for each other does not make your behavior OK.

My advice it that you both understand this attraction, accept that it exists, and walk away from it. You won't be the first happily married people to resist an attraction that you feel for a partner other than your spouse. Then again, if you follow up on it, just think of the consequences: You'll lose your wife's trust and perhaps her love. Three friendships will be broken: the one between you with your friend, the one between your wives, and the one between you and his wife, because believe me, both of you will blame each other and yourselves for what you've lost.

Rejoice in the blessings of a good marriage, and don't turn away from the happiness you have known.

Dear John: A guy I met online and I have had a love/hate relationship whenever we chat online. However, we enjoy each other's company and can chat for hours at a time. However, sometimes he carries on other conversations while we are online. This irritates me! It's as if I am talking to a blank screen, and sometimes he gives me replies unrelated to our conversation. Is it polite to carry on other conversations when I have asked specifically for him not to do so? — Chat Brat, in Jacksonville, Fla.

Dear Chat Brat: Online chats lend themselves to "multi-tasking" — doing more than one thing at a time. That includes chatting online simultaneously with two or more persons. However, if he's made a promise not to chat with others then broken that promise, you, of course, don't have to take his chat request when he comes online. He'll quickly learn to respect your request in the future or lose you as a chat partner altogether. If the real issue is that you're looking for him to give you his undivided attention, try making a phone date — or better yet, a real date. Despite the wonders of technology, the best conversations will always happen face-to-face.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." Visit his website, http://www.marsvenus.com, for advice on dating, marriage, parenting, romance and workplace issues. Or e-mail him at comments@marsvenus.com. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2012 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE



Comments

4 Comments | Post Comment
LW1: You're high on the excitement that's proof positive that someone else desires you after 18 years of not looking. What a downer to think that you might hurt your wife and your friend, eh? But do it anyway. Think about what words you'd use to tell your wife, what would happen if she cried, what would happen if she didn't. Think about telling your parents or your kids, if any, why your wife kicked you out. Think about telling your best friend, and what you'd see in his eyes. Think real hard about how, if you broke vows made not only to your wife, but to society and yourself as well, why anyone should ever trust you with anything again.

Then think about your best friend's wife, without the rosy shades, please. She makes you feel like all that & a bag of chips, eh? Are you? Or is her marriage in a bad place and she's looking real hard to get back at her husband for something you don't know about, and finding an affair with his best friend is just the ticket? Maybe she's been feeling not so gorgeous lately, or taken for granted, and wow, there you are to flirt with! She's willing to break the vows she took with the guy she said she'd love until death did them part. And gee, she said she wants a sexual relationship with you? Lucky you -- not.

You know the answer to this one. Suck it up and back off. And go do something fun with your wife, who's presumably stood by you and not taken her first opportunity to try to destroy YOUR trust in her.

LW2: Hon, I hope this guy does NOT date you. You're expecting way more than you're due.
Comment: #1
Posted by: hedgehog
Sun May 6, 2012 4:22 PM
LW1: What hedgehog said. Just want to add -- you say that your feelings for the other woman are "almost love." There's a reason this is only "almost" love. Sure, if this is your best friend's wife, then you likely have known her for a long time, so this isn't merely an issue of lust -- you've gotten to know her too well over the years for that. But you need to understand that the high you are getting from all this flirting has zero to do with "love" or even "like" -- this is all about it being "new" (as hedgehog said -- proof someone else desires you, so hey, you must still have "it"), and it being a double-whammy taboo. After all, even if you weren't married, your best friend's wife would still be off limits, right? This is as much about the allure of forbidden fruit as any real feelings you two have.

Now, let's pretend, for just a moment, that you two really are in love (you yourself say you aren't, but we're just pretending). If you are both good people, the guilt you are both going to feel if you, ahem, consummate this flirtation, is going to eat you up inside, and you'll both end up wishing you had never done this, and whatever of substance the two of you really had will be consumed in the flames of that guilt.

Recognize this for what it is and then, as hedgehog suggested, suck it up and back off.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lisa
Mon May 7, 2012 7:53 AM
LW2 -- If any of us tell you that this is not rude, are you going to feel less slighted the next time he does this? My guess: not so much. So, I could tell you that, for most people, the whole point of anonymous chatting online is that the same rules of convention that apply to face-to-face conversation don't apply -- and you still wouldn't feel any less put upon when this guy does this to you again. And if I tell you that you're right, this is rude, what are you going to do with that information? Will it make you feel better knowing you're right? Do you think you will then be able to say, "look, even the BTL thinks you're being rude" that he is suddenly going to stop carrying on multiple conversations? Of course not. (And let me be clear, I do not think he's being rude -- he's doing what people do when they are anonymously online).

So, your choices are to get a grip and get over it, or stop chatting with this guy.

Oh, wait -- there is one more choice: try the joy of multi-tasking/multi-chatting yourself -- you might see why so many people like it!
Comment: #3
Posted by: Lisa
Mon May 7, 2012 8:08 AM
So, the two of you 'decided' to have a sexual relationship, and THEN you worried about ruining the lives of your wife and best friend? Smart move there.

You would be a total fool to throw your marriage and a solid friendship away for what would probably only be a temporary affair. You said that your feelings were 'almost that of being in love', not that she was the woman you'd been waiting for your whole life (not that that would make it justifiable).

For God's sake back off, and end this dangerouse flirtation before you do something that's going to make everyone miserable.
Comment: #4
Posted by: JMG
Wed May 9, 2012 8:24 AM
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