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Unhealthy Attraction Dear John: I have a crush on a woman at my work. She is several years older than I am, and is married with two kids. I know that this is an unhealthy attraction. The trouble is, I don't know how to fall out of love with her. I'm extremely shy around …Read more. Temper Problems Causing Tiffs With Girlfriend Dear John: My girlfriend claims I am very argumentative — which I am. Needless to say, we fight constantly. Sometimes, though, I feel as if she is picking on me and that I have to defend myself. She says it's no use arguing with her, because …Read more. Divorce Is a Painful Experience Dear John: I have been divorced for two years now. I did not want the divorce, so it was a particularly painful experience. My ex-husband still attends my family gatherings. And it hurts every time I see him! Although my children are from another …Read more. Physical Relationship With Co-Worker Becoming Complicated Dear John: A couple of months after starting a new job, one of my colleagues and I got physically involved after an office party. Unfortunately, now he has informed me that he is steadily seeing someone else. Still, he'd like us to "stay friends." …Read more.
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Addicted to Dating Married Men

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Dear John: I seem to be addicted to the excitement of having affairs with married men. Is this possible? I have had one very serious affair, which resulted in us having a daughter who is now 4 years old. We were together for six years, and he was married to someone else that entire time. I am now having another affair with a man 17 years my senior, who also claims to be "happily married." I am 27. Why do I keep doing this? —Needing to Change, in Kansas City, Mo.

Dear Needing to Change: You most likely have a fear of intimacy. This behavior works as an emotional protection mechanism: You assume that a relationship will lead to abandonment, so to save yourself from any possible pain, you consciously choose men who cannot give you a full-time commitment.

Like any addictive behavior, the first step is to acknowledge that you have this tendency, and it appears that you now realize that. Consider counseling to help you through the feelings that lie at the bottom of your fear of intimacy and to learn techniques that will help you break this pattern so that you can begin a new and more fulfilling chapter of your life

Dear John: I recently became involved with a great guy who is both sweet and gentle.

There is just one problem: He is also incredibly shy! I seem to have to initiate every conversation, date planning and even when and where we kiss. Should I be concerned about this? —Love Him, But... in Denver, Colo.

Dear Love Him But: Many men are quieter than their partner's. Often this provides a necessary balance in a relationship. However, from what you describe, you may be the feeling pressure to "carry" the relationship — and after a while, the partner carrying this burden finds the relationship unfulfilling. If this is the case, do yourself a favor and date him, but date others, too. By doing so, you'll better determine if you like taking the lead or enjoy sharing that role with someone else.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by email at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2012 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE



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1 Comments | Post Comment
LW1: Yes, fear of intimacy -- and quite possibly the adrenaline rush of having been chosen over someone else the guy has vowed to love, honor and cherish. You've saddled your daughter with a father whose primary loyalty is NOT to her, relegated her to being an also-ran.

For heaven's sake, get yourself into therapy to help break this behavior before you end up creating another kid who begins life with several strikes against him. John believes you an do this on your own; I might have agreed had you not already brought one child into the world with odds stacked against her. You need to create a stable environment for your daughter; you need to make SURE your future romantic relationship choices are wise ones. But since you are finding the relationships "exciting", I'm not convinced that you can do this on your own, and the stakes are really too high at this point for you to risk trying.
Comment: #1
Posted by: hedgehog
Fri Mar 16, 2012 4:16 PM
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