Inside Relationships by Jan Denise

This Valentine's Day, no matter where you are — on the fence, fizzling out, stuck on the surface or alone — I have practical tips for you.

Are you trying to decide if he (or she) is not that into you? Before you break the bank or take time off from work to try harder, he's probably not that into you if:

1. He's not that into himself. And you can tell how into himself he is by how well he knows himself — not how arrogant he is.

2. He doesn't know who you are — not what you do for a living or a list of facts — what's important to you, what you stand for, what you're passionate about.

3. He doesn't respect you for who you are.

4. He's more interested in what you do together than just spending time together.

5. He talks to you but doesn't listen to you or listens to you but doesn't talk to you.

6. He doesn't introduce you to his family and friends or take you to his office party.

7. He spends money freely on himself but skimps on you.

8. He doesn't respond (out of desire, rather than obligation) when you need help.

9. He wants to have sex with you but doesn't want to sleep with you.

10. He uses you to feed his ego, secure his position or appease his family.

Note: If you think you are that into somebody and, based on the above, you're not showing it, ask yourself why? Be honest with yourself, and act on what you learn.

Want to enliven your sexuality?

1. Bag what seems frumpy, and give it to charity.

2. Exercise to increase stamina, blood flow to the genitals and satisfaction when you look in the mirror.

3. Tickle and tease each other; run, play, and fall down.

4. Let go of rules, loosen up, and explore. Ask candid questions about what's arousing — when and why and where — and answer them.

5. You don't have to plan sex, but allow time (more than you think you need) for it to happen when you're not exhausted or preoccupied.

6.

Stimulate your senses with an erotic movie, a bath, lingerie or a picnic under the stars.

Want to reconnect and feel more intimacy?

1. Turn off the phones, computers and TVs. Turn down the lights, and be present with each other.

2. Go for a walk in the woods or on the beach. Get to know each other all over again and reconnect.

3. Do together what you'd normally do alone.

4. Spend less time growing intimacy with other people, and opt to spend more time with each other.

5. Schedule things you both enjoy that also allow you to spend quality time together (hiking, star gazing, dinner, reading poetry out loud, an art walk) — and make doing them a priority.

6. Try limiting a conversation to feelings about your relationship — no weather, no kids, no politics. And say what you're afraid to say!

Not in a relationship and want to be?

1. Meet yourself, as if for the first time.

2. Go through the motions of a dialogue with yourself and form an impression of you, the way somebody else would in the process of getting to know you.

3. Repeat one and two until you're more comfortable in your own skin, with fewer reasons to be guarded (just looking at them helps to invalidate them).

4. Now, talk to yourself about what you like and don't like about your life, where you are and where you want to be.

5. Make a list of what you can do about it … and forgive yourself for not having done it sooner.

6. Do what you can — this is enough to make you feel very good about yourself — and while you're glowing, you'll meet somebody wonderful you can grow with.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Jan Denise is a columnist, author of the just released "Innately Good: Dispelling the Myth That You're Not" and "Naked Relationships," speaker and consultant based in McIntosh, Fla. Please e-mail her at jandenise@nakedrelationships.com, or visit her website at www.nakedrelationships.com. To find out more about Jan Denise, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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