Inside Relationships by Jan Denise

My husband Sam headed west in the 70s in a VW microbus with peace signs painted on it, and he ended up in a commune in Washington.

Imagine my surprise when I learned of his recent confrontation with my brother (of all people). Sam was essentially daring my brother to "take his eyebrow off." OK, so my brother has a mean swing and a reputation for defending himself. But Sam loves my brother.

Did he just let the anger overwhelm him and lose his temper? Yes, but there's more to it than that. It's a guy thing!

When guys are together, they use the speaking style appropriate to the context and the relationship, the same way they would for a job interview or a conversation with an aunt, according to Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., author of "I Only Say This Because I Love You."

The gruff manner and hostile teasing demonstrate friendship. That arm punching thing? It's a display of affection. And the one-upping each other and putting each other down are signs that they're comfortable friends.

So, when there's anger to be expressed or a defense to be made, perhaps men rise (or stoop, as the case may be) to another level of gruffness?

As men age and learn more about communication, though, they realize that they have options for expressing themselves. They also lose some of the brute strength of their youth!

Middle-aged male friends stop drinking sooner than college buds. They're more apt to have a wife waiting for them; and they want to get a good night's sleep and take care of business in the morning.

Some would argue that the decline in testosterone is what mellows a man. Maybe, but women have always had a gift for increasing a man's testosterone, while melting away his gruffness.

Real men don't have as much to prove as boys do. They have learned to decide for themselves what's appropriate and what serves them … and the rest of humanity.

So why did Sam lose it and stoop to, "Come on, take my eyebrow off"? Had he heard one too many stories from my brother? Was he feeling inept as a peacemaker?

It only took him about 15 minutes to apologize.

It took my brother longer than that to accept his apology. It was all he could do to restrain himself — he wasn't quite up for another challenge 15 minutes later.

Sam called me and told me what happened. But as Hillary Clinton would say (OK, maybe she wouldn't say it again), I "wasn't some little woman 'standing by my man' like Tammy Wynette." He knows I love him unconditionally; he also knows I give him the truth without painting it pink.

How could the confrontation have been avoided? How can our confrontations be avoided?

— Look for warning signs. "Guy thing" or not, too much of it is a red flag. When your ego gets bruised, it strikes back; and you can't blame your gender or somebody else for it.

— Develop an awareness of the pain you feel before it turns to anger. Share what's really bothering you.

— Once you are angry, don't let it build up. Look at why. It's not because somebody else screwed up; it's because you think you did.

— Pay attention to your words. Make sure they're true — don't exaggerate or generalize. He doesn't "always" do that. Acknowledge the good as well as the "bad."

While context — the guys, an interview, an aunt — can dictate what's appropriate, it doesn't dictate what's true. When you hear yourself trying to prove something, remember that it generally has more to do with your ego than the truth.

And peace has never been found outside of the truth.

Jan Denise is a columnist, author of the just released "Innately Good: Dispelling the Myth That You're Not" and "Naked Relationships," speaker and consultant based in McIntosh, Fla. Please e-mail her at jandenise@nakedrelationships.com, or visit her website at www.nakedrelationships.com. To find out more about Jan Denise, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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