Everyday Cheapskate

I never could be a medical transcriptionist. It's not the typing or the doctors' handwriting that would deter me. My problem would be reading the symptoms and medical conditions. I'd have all of them.

To say that I am easily influenced is like saying the Titanic sprang a leak. Knowing this about myself, I wasn't all that surprised to end up with yet another condition after watching an episode of "The Oprah Winfrey Show." It was devoted to the "disease to please." I passed her "do you have the disease to please?" self-diagnosis quiz with flying colors.

"Do you ever say 'yes' when what you really want to say is 'no'?" Of course I do. Doesn't everyone? Or how about this one: "Is it important to you to be liked by nearly everyone in your life?" I whipped through that quiz in about 10 seconds flat, answering every question yes, yes, yes, yes and ... yes!

I am learning that this "disease" is insidious as it wends its way through mind and body. It starts with wanting to be a good person. You want to be liked. You want to be chosen first, never last. You respond to everyone's requests and just keep doing more and more with promptness and perfection.

In a way, this might seem like more of a conflict than a revelation. After all, aren't we called to act with generosity out of hearts of gratitude and service? Isn't it selfish always to say no?

There is a huge difference between authentic service and using it as an opportunity to manipulate.

Some doctors say the "disease to please" can actually kill us.

The emotional buildup of not being able to say no increases our stress hormones, such as adrenaline. That makes our hearts beat faster than normal, our blood pressure rise and our blood vessels narrow. That can lead to a heart attack, a stroke or even cancer.

So what's the treatment?

—Analyze your motivation. Before you say yes to anything, do a quick self-analysis. Why am I doing this? Why am I buying this? What am I expecting in return? If you can answer "nothing in return," then your motivation is pure. If there's another answer, it's probably some form of manipulation.

—Realize you are in control. Becoming assertive is the way to arrest this disease. It takes courage to say no, to be honest and to set limits. Decide how much you will spend. Then stick to it.

—Buy time. Experts say that time is the best antidote for the "disease to please," whether it be five minutes or five months. Never answer on the spot. Nothing is so urgent you cannot take time to think about it.

Acting to please can be noble and gratifying, as long as the decision to do so is for the joy it brings, not for what you expect to get in return.

Mary Hunt is the founder of www.DebtProofLiving.com and author of 18 books, including her best-selling classic "Debt-Proof Living." You can e-mail her at mary@everydaycheapskate.com, or write to Everyday Cheapskate, P.O. Box 2135, Paramount, CA 90723. To find out more about Mary Hunt and read her past columns, please visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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