Ethnically Speaking by Larry Meeks

This is the LEAST of problems you could have. If your wife were addicted to crack, or if she threw you out of the house, moved in a boyfriend who was a pimp, and treated you like shit, then you'd have reason to be peeved. But I almost had to laugh at this. What is clear to me is that your wife is tired. She raised your oldest and put up with your self-destructuive behavior for years, and now she needs some toime to herself. Don't be mad at her, she needs her space.

Secondly, take this like a MAN! If people find out, say "it's a free country, and if she wants to be a lesbian, there's nothing I can do." Do people expect you to put your wife on a leash? Do they expect you to smack her? If your friends and family can't tolerate her because she's a lesbian, how do you think your children will feel?

This could be a chance to teach your kids about tolerance.

After ten years of the kind of behavior you describe, your wife may have given up on men, at least for the time being. Maybe she'll be a lesbian for the rest of her life. Maybe not. A lot of people can go either way. Right now, she's more comfortable with women. Frankly, if I were in her shoes, I think I would be, too.

Whether or not her current lifestyle is permanent, it's probably safe to assume she has given up on YOU. Yes, you got your act together, but you did it too late for this relationship. Keep it together and do better in the next one.

And don't forget that you're still those kids' father. You owe it to them to be a decent dad, regardless of your relationship with their mother, or hers with anyone else.

LW-is it possible that when you were not acting like an adult, so was your wife but you just didn't notice it? Either way, this is the true test of you making over yourself. Pulling yourself out of a hole is a big big challenge, and many people never manage to do it. Harness that strength now and fight to keep what good you have achieved in your life. Let your wife make what decisions she will--you can't control her anyway. Keep doing your best for your children. Your friends don't need to know the details of why your wife left. True friends will understand this, and will help you. Don't be afraid to ask them for support. Hang in there.

It occurred to me that his wife was caught up in the drama. Now he has a more stable life, she's creating drama.

Some people like drama and can't tolerate a quieter lifestyle. I suspect that's what is happening in this case.

I find it interesting that this letter was written to Larry Meeks, since his writing is supposed to be addressing racial issues, and as Meeks noted, this is not really a racial issue -- but I do understand that some races/ethnic groups/religious groups react a whole lot worse to homosexuality than others. I can't help but wonder if there isn't a hidden racial element here that, because the LW didn't make it clear, we are not picking up on. I am white, so I don't claim to know this, but a black friend of mine once told me that blacks see homosexuality as a "white thing" -- as if only white people are homosexuals, and that it is a "weakness" of the white race. If that is true, and/or the this is how the LW feels, then that adds a whole other layer to this question that isn't being addressed.

In any event, if the LW is reading these comments, I hope you recognize that cleaning up your act was worth doing, regardless of what is now going on with your wife. You owed it to your children -- and to YOURSELF -- to become a better person. Do not now use your wife's departure and drama as a reason to throw your hard-earned work away. You sound like you feel like, "gee, I finally cleaned up my act, and this is the thanks I get." You need to remember that, no matter what does or doesn't happen with your wife, it was totally worth it to kick the drugs and change your ways, and it is in YOUR best interest (and, more importantly, the best interest of your children) to stick with it.

LW -- Meeks suggests you find some new friends, and I want to second that motion. If, indeed, you have good reason to believe your friends aren't going to support you and instead are more likely to razz you about your wife being a lesbian, you definitely need to find some new friends. Moreover, if these are the same friends you were doing drugs with, running around with in the streets, etc., you need to lose them, regardless of their response to your wife's leaving you.

Last but not least, like a lot of people who used to be in trouble all the time but have now mended your ways, it sounds like you:
1) Expect to be rewarded for it (and instead, you're feeling punished because your wife has left)
2) Expect to be able to just sort of pick up where you left off and keep all the old friends/associates with whom you used to get in trouble
3) Expect that it will be easy to live your new life as a changed person forevermore
It is FANTASTIC that you've cleaned yourself up, and you are to be commended for that -- but that's about as much "commendation" and applause as you're going to get, because let's face it, what you did is what you SHOULD have been doing ALL ALONG, and it doesn't erase all the harm you did before you made the change. But to make this a permanent change requires a permanent commitment on your part to stick with it -- this job is never done. Please, for your mother, you children, all the people you come into contact with and for YOURSELF, please, please, please keep it up.