Ethnically Speaking by Larry Meeks

I feel bad for this lady because she has a classic phobia, irrationally attaching fear to an object based on a specific traumatic event during formative years, and it's also paired up with the stigma of beign a racist. I wonder if she really is, because looking closely at her letter, I can't tell. Does she feel uneasy around black women? How about men of races other than her own that aren't black? The only clue I got was her statement "whenever I'm around blacks." That suggested that it's possible she's racist against black people in general, but that was mostly a gut feeling ("blacks" vs. "black people?" Sounds dehumanizing in this context, but could concievably just be bad word choice). She needs a better therapist who's more willing to separate her phobia from her genuine biases and treat them accordingly, with training in cognitive behavioral therapy. If she is a bigot who wants to get rid of her symptoms but is uninterested in challenging her assumptions, unfortunately that's her perogative. If getting rid of the phobia dissolves her negative feelings about black people, a good therapist can help her move past her guilt and forgive herself for years of thinking she was a racist (some will say she was, but if dealing with the phobia takes it away, it's proof that the whole package, not the race, was the issue).

For the LW I would like to ask a question. Did you therapist treat you for a phobia or for a form of PTSD?
What you described sounds like more like a PTSD induced phobia rather than the more traditional phobia. You may benifit more from therapy if it is aimed in this dierection than traditional phobia treatment.
This may sound like a strange recomendation, but maybe you should consider a female, black therapist. Being female she might not set off the same level of alarm as a male how is black, but at the same time she would give you another mental/emotional image of a black person. It might help if she is someone who comes across as a matronly, motherly figure or someone who you could never imagine doing anything to harm another person. Good luck to you.

opps, sorry, "how" should have been "who". I've been all thumbs on the key board lately. Sorry if it desterbed anyone.

I remember one night coming home from work late one night in 1998, I had a flat tire and had to pull off of the interstate. It was raining and of course, the shoulder of the road was muddy. I was only a few feet away from the exit ramp to a different interstate. All in all, a very uncomfortable situation. I am capable of changing my own tire, but it took me a while because I had to keep popping up and looking around to check my surroundings.

Two cars stopped (separately) to offer me assistance - each one taking me by surprise because I didn't hear them drive up. The first driver was a young man and I told him that I appreciated his assistance, but I had it under control. I had already begun the process of jacking up the car and had called my husband and he was on his way. The young man went on his way.

The second car pulled up and there were two young men who offered assistance. By this point, I had the car jacked up and the tire off, the spare out of the trunk leaning up against the side of the car but I couldn't figure out how the spare tire went on the car because of type of rim - did the bulge go to the outside or to the inside??



I explained to the second set of rescuers that the only thing I needed help with was which way the spare went on and that my husband was on his way, thinking that they would go on about their business as the other person had. One of the men took the spare, placed it on the car and put on the lug nuts. Then he reached out to me for the lug wrench.

So, here I am, all by myself in the middle of the night, in a rainstorm, stranded on an interstate highway with 2 strangers and NO NINJA SKILLS. And one of the strangers wants the only weapon I have available.


I smiled, handed it to him and started casually backing up to get out of striking distance. He proceeded to put on my tire and put the tire, jack and lug wrench in my trunk - all without mugging, maiming or killing me. I smiled and thanked him profusely and sincerely for his assistance and as they walked away, the other man yelled "maybe next time you won't be afraid of black people". Sadly, I was unable to correct his misconception because they got in the car and drove away before I could respond.

The truth of the matter is, when I see strangers, I don't see potential friends - I see potential murderers - regardless of their color or even gender.

LW is not a bigot, she's traumatized and I completely understand it. Michelle, I think your suggestion about having a black therapist is excellent.

Sorry if this posts twice:

I remember one night coming home from work late one night in 1998, I had a flat tire and had to pull off of the interstate. It was raining and of course, the shoulder of the road was muddy. I was only a few feet away from the exit ramp to a different interstate. All in all, a very uncomfortable situation. I am capable of changing my own tire, but it took me a while because I had to keep popping up and looking around to check my surroundings.

Two cars stopped (separately) to offer me assistance - each one taking me by surprise because I didn't hear them drive up. The first driver was a young man and I told him that I appreciated his assistance, but I had it under control. I had already begun the process of jacking up the car and had called my husband and he was on his way. The young man went on his way.

The second car pulled up and there were two young men who offered assistance. By this point, I had the car jacked up and the tire off, the spare out of the trunk leaning up against the side of the car but I couldn't figure out how the spare tire went on the car because of type of rim - did the bulge go to the outside or to the inside??



I explained to the second set of rescuers that the only thing I needed help with was which way the spare went on and that my husband was on his way, thinking that they would go on about their business as the other person had. One of the men took the spare, placed it on the car and put on the lug nuts. Then he reached out to me for the lug wrench.

So, here I am, all by myself in the middle of the night, in a rainstorm, stranded on an interstate highway with 2 strangers and NO NINJA SKILLS. And one of the strangers wants the only weapon I have available.


I smiled, handed it to him and started casually backing up to get out of striking distance. He proceeded to put on my tire and put the tire, jack and lug wrench in my trunk - all without mugging, maiming or killing me. I smiled and thanked him profusely and sincerely for his assistance and as they walked away, the other man yelled "maybe next time you won't be afraid of black people". Sadly, I was unable to correct his misconception because they got in the car and drove away before I could respond.

The truth of the matter is, when I see strangers, I don't see potential friends - I see potential murderers - regardless of their color or even gender.

LW is not a bigot, she's traumatized and I completely understand it. Michelle, I think your suggestion about having a black therapist is excellent.

I'm with Lisa in OK; anytime I am in a situation where I am vulnerable, I am wary of *everyone,* regardless of race or even gender.

That being said, my car almost overheated on me the other day. Both of my kids were with me and the neighborhood I was stopped in was pretty run down but I was right by the road and across from my son's school. Several cars containging white people passed but none stopped. A very kind African-American man riding a bike stopped and helped get water for my car. Good Samaritans are everywhere. :)

Correction: that's containing, not containging.

The writer goes out of her way to state that she isn't a racist and that she's ashamed of feeling this way. It sounds to me like she wants to get past this phobia (or whatever you want to call it) and just hasn't figured out how. I would hate to see anyone giving her grief over it - she feels bad enough about it as it is. Remember, this isn't a rational fear or anything that can be reasoned with. It's a bit like a rape victim being afraid of anything male.
As to whether or not the writer feels the same way about other nonwhite males, that's a good question. Would love it if she were to comment here and answer that.

A black female therapist? Maybe, maybe not. If that therapist heard this and took the patient's confession even the least bit personally...there goes any hope of her helping this patient recover. Better make darned sure the therapist can act professionally and isn't going to 'go off' on this poor woman. I don't think anyone particularly enjoys being told that someone of their race makes someone else uncomfortable, especially when the first person hasn't done a darned thing to deserve that kind of reaction. I certainly wouldn't appreciate being told this.

I got held at knife point by a black teenager when I was in first grade. My mom worked at the high school and I would go there when my school let out. This was a violent (later arrested for murder) kid. He held a curved knife to my throat and threatened to cut my head off. He was coaxed into letting me go, but nothing ever happened to him. The principal was too afraid to punish him. So I totally understand this lady's fear. I had black girl friends, and black boys that I knew were ok, but a group of unknown black teens walking towards me made me break out in a cold sweat. I finally got over it with the help of a Christian retreat called Cleansing Streams. You spend 4 months studying different aspects of a personal relationship with God, then at the retreat you work through what you need to do to have a closer relationship with HIm. Well, my fear was holding me back and yes, at times I felt pretty racist, which made me feel even worse. I had to realize that God made everyone and that He did not intend me to live in fear. I prayed and asked God to help me forgive that teenager and to not be afraid of black teens. It was an immediate relief and felt like a miracle. One minute I was full of fear, the next minute I could deal with it. No advice here, just sharing my own similar story. God is good!

Re: Lisa in OK
I have to say that I can understand your being wary in that situation. A woman alone on the side of the road late at night would have good reason to be concerned for her safety. As much as I realize how frustrating and hurtful it must be for a black person to be seen as a threat for no good reason, it wouldn't hurt to consider the circumstances first. If the man who made the parting comment knew his wife, mother, or daughter was alone on the side of the road, would he insist that she trust any stranger that came along so as not to offend them? Of course not. Maybe next time he should consider that before making that leap. I'm as liberal as they come, but I feel that his assumption about you was just as unfair as someone else assuming he's dangerous simply because he's black. He was wrong.

Re: Matt
Any therapist worth his salt wouldn't take such a confession personally, or at least would not let it interfere with his work. That's part of the job, otherwise they wouldn't be therapists. I don't doubt there are bad therapists who couldn't handle such a conversation, but that's why you try out different people until you find someone who works for you. I wouldn't necessarily rule out a black female therapist. More than likely she's encountered this sort of thing before, and might welcome the opportunity to steer someone in the right direction.

Yes it sounds like PTSD-phobia, and there is a new treatment for PTSD which has an acronym that I can't recall right now. might be Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.

Don't let anyone lay a trip on you about being a "racist" for having these uncontrollable fears. Something bad happened to you and it manifests in these fears that now are crippling you. Try to focus on positive interactions with black men, even if they're very minor like a "Good morning". Black men get tired of people freezing up in fear around them, too - the decent ones feel shunned, too, and for misdeeds they didn't commit. But don't expect too much out of anyone.

I'd go for several types of treatment: talk therapy, perhaps self-defense training (after PTSD treatment, not before), the PTSD treatment suggested above, and perhaps some specific outreach or retreat activity like the one described by Stephanie #9. If you're not Christian but are open minded, a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat might offer some breakthroughs.

I am fortunate to have grown up in Harlem NYC as a white child in the 1940s. We were a mixed community but it was home. My friends were of mixed races, and I didn't see any real difference between the white ones, the brown ones, the tan ones. Later when it came time to go out on dates, there was some trouble. People were advised to 'stick to your own kind" like the song in West Side Story. But all my life I have never felt that a balck male was any more dangerous than anyone else.

As much as I agree with the majority of the comments posted (especially yours, Jon--you make an excellent point), I must state that, as a black man, I feel no obligation to make any person (white women included) comfortable in my presence, anymore than I can expect a card-carrying neo-confederate to make persons of color comfortable in his. If a person hyperventilates, clutches his/her wallet or purse, or makes gestures, that's that person's issue, not mine. The LW's story is unfortunate, and completely understandable. But it's still her problem.


No one should be made to bear the burden of seemingly unrelated events that ocurred a long time ago. You don't see many elderly and middle-aged black people still cowering or in fear--or acting in contempt--of whites (and I'm sure quite a few endured events far more traumatic than hers), so it has to follow that perhaps the black guy depicted in Lisa in OK's post had some validity in his reaction as well: if the LW deserves empathy and understanding, then so does he.


Things like this are complex things, and a result of this nation's failure to deal with matters of race and racism. I'm ok with everybody's pity for this woman, but please appreciate the fact that those law-abiding, taxpaying, decent black men (i.e. the 95% of us you DON'T read enough about!) who are on the other end of this are victims, too.

Re: Therren Dunham. You make several valid points. I'm inclined to ignore someone who apparently has a problem with me. You sound like me when I was concerned that my state was trying to ban open-carry of handguns. I was asking, "If someone feels uncomfortable or threatened by me or my appearance, why is it suddenly MY problem?" The comparison isn't exact (one can't choose his color the way he can choose to carry a weapon), but you get the idea.

However, I do wonder what you mean by "this nation's failure to deal with matters of race and racism." Seems to me that plenty of resources have been spent trying to deal with it - affirmative action programs, civil rights legislation, our attorney general calling for yet another national conversation on race, and entire special interest groups allegedly devoted to stamping out anti-black racism (NAACP & Rainbow/Push just to name a couple).

Morgan Freeman recently said that the best way to "deal" with this problem is to stop talking about it. This from a black man, no less. I happen to think he is right. I don't see what more is expected from the majority.

@Matt:
I do get where you're coming from with the 1st paragraph, but with the second, I feel very strongly that although we as a nation have made tremendous strides in negating overt racism, there are (and perhaps will always be) those subtle nuances, those lingering vestiges of race in the forms of caricatures, stereotypes, and race-bating from all sides that we don't want to address.
I am very aware of Freeman's statement about race; as a matter of fact, I have the documentary where he is quoted saying that. There are more than a few African Americans who honestly feel this way. I am not one of them. It's too easy (and cheap) to simply say 'live and let live.' Ignoring the problems we face won't make them go away, and bad news never gets better with time.
And please understand, it's not an issue of what is or should be expected from the majority, but rather from all of us. We all have a stake in this matter, and we all share an equal burden in mitigating racial animosity.
Dialogue is important. I can't emphasize with your concerns if I don't engage you. I can't encourage you to see outside your comfort zone if I keep you at arm's length. We wouldn't allow our kids to learn about sex (drugs, religion, etc.) from the street corner; we'd want them to make an informed decision by discussing those subjects initially, and then supplement that with the input of experts in the field. And yet we remain mum on defining what race in America is actually about.
And that is dangerous, because perception in absence of informed analysis becomes reality. And in that distorted reality come situations like the one the LW faces. It's like the story of a guy who drowned in a inch-deep puddle of water. It wasn't that he couldn't swim, and he could've gotten up and walked away any time he wanted. But he never faced his fear of the water.

@ Therren & Matt:

First, I applaud both of you for having a thoughtful, insightful, frank AND courteous dialogue about a topic that is more often fraught with knee-jerk reactions and vitriol and almost devoid of real thought and insight. And, oddly enough, I think you are BOTH right.

Therren -- you are absolutely correct that dialogue, when it is thoughtful, insightful, frank and courteous instead of fraught with knee-jerk reactions and vitriol, is important. It's the only way we can learn to empathize with one another. It's the only way we can work together. You can't fix a wrong by ignoring it. The problem is, more often than not, people just aren't willing and/or able to have the type of dialogue on this topic that would actually be useful and helpful. And believe me, I use "willing and/or able" quite literally here -- some people really and truly just are not able to engage in a healthy, constructive dialogue on this subject, but equally problematic (perhaps even MORE problematic) are the people who are UNWILLING to engage in a healthy, constructive dialogue because they believe they have more to gain by engaging in the vitriol instead.

And that's why Matt (and Morgan Freeman) is also correct. When we have too many people who are unwilling and/or unable to engage in thoughtful, healthy, constructive dialogue, sometimes the better course of action is to just stop talking about it already. When you KNOW that someone is going to try to twist your words. When you KNOW that someone is going to hurl vitriol at you. When you KNOW that someone actually PREFERS to stir up hatred, engaging that person is almost always going to be a mistake.

Reading the dialogue between Therren and Matt -- a black man and a white man -- gives me (a white woman -- just for full disclosure) hope.

I feel instant fear whenever anything threatens me. Using my intellect, psychological awareness, present-day emotions, humanistic understanding, compassion, and spiritual progress, I usually very quickly get over the fear....especially if the other person(s) exhibits any trace of friendly human communication. What instinctively threatens me are: possible gang members, obvious drug addicts, obnoxious drunks, religious fanatics, embittered police, sour macho military leaders, homeless and non-homeless people with serious mental problems, abusive males, castrating females, swindling bankers and financiers, aggressive sales people, emotionally and sexually repressed individuals, very angry people, self-hating individuals, unsafe drivers, ice-cold hearts, psychopaths, many politicians, some educators, people who point guns or knives at me, dictators, and all terrorists....This exhaustive list includes some Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Native Americans, and Caucasians. It includes some teens, middle-aged, and old people. It includes some Catholics, Protestants, Jews, Hindus, and Muslims. I am extremely prejudiced against all those who would take my life, the lives of those I care about, and the lives of innocent good people.

So Ron, not to be sarcastic or anything, but do you just live around Hobbits or something?

You can't just walk around in fear of every single person around you. Most people don't give a rat's ass about you or how you feel about them; they just try to go about their day as best as they can, as should all of us.

I assume that your post was meant to ne tongue-in-cheek, but to many people it's serious business. You're better off just saying that you love humanity but hate people.

@Lisa: Ignoring the elephant in the room doesn't make it go away. When you stop risking emotional your capital to talk about race, it's the race-baiters and loudmouths who get heard. And that's when they win. So what if they're not going to play nice in the sand box? You have to face the bullies in the debate, or there won't be a sandbox to play in.

Hi Larry...
You wrote: "I immediately smile, nod my head, go to the far corner and avoid any eye contact. I do not know whether that is proper elevator etiquette, but it is how I handle the situation."
That is how NOT to handle the situation. I have been in law enforcement & the legal field all of my working life, and STILL...even when I was in uniform...would get those looks at times. And I'm not a big guy. Like she said, there was an event that (for the most part) triggered her issues...and maybe the brainwashing she received after the incident by her "sym-[pathetic]" friends, police (yes my colleagues) and relatives telling her she was justified being scared of (only) black men.
Regardless of that...I think your approach of going to a far corner and avoiding (normal), (not Manson staring eye contact that would make any woman or child nervous)....is wrong....and utterly passive. You are a man...your eye contact should reflect that of "friendliness and safety"....in other words, a gentleman (nodding and saying hello), with male confidence. Not going to a neutral corner in an elevator like WE were brainwashed to be, along the submissive head bowing, and stepping aside b.s., that we as (baby boomers and before) were raised like in black cultures. Yep, you can enter an elevator and spin around and stand in front of everybody with a cup of coffee or briefcase, just like the white guys do in the tv commercials. I do it all the time, just to spite the "mutt down" body language. Too many of our (law abiding) brothers died in wars and on our streets for what we enjoy today, including Dr. King...and it's an insult to their sacrifice to mutt down to anyone, male or female, scared or not. Agree or disagree...that's exactly what it is.
The lady's issue is plain old fear, and I do feel bad for her. But if a similar incident happened and it was a white dude in a three piece suit, a Latino man...or a male in a doctor's uniform...(or even a cop's), etc, etc....her fear would be the exact same. Black fear is OVERLY perpetuated by our society, especially in the media, and always will as long as we keep taking a mutt-down approach to it, instead of asserting ourselves, our manhood, and our GOODNESS. There are bad in every race....and one doesn't need a psych to tell her that.
We don't help ourselves by supporting abusive music, videos and movies that we participate in or green light.
We don't help ourselves by being stupid sidekicks instead of leadership positions and roles...thank goodness the President hadn't listened to the naysayers.
A word of advice for my 53-year old sister who started this article....get a couple of your friends together, male and female...go out to a "MIXED" crowd classy club....have a good time, but try to dance with a few black men, and converse afterward...in other words...socialize a bit...in a reasonably safe environment. If you don't want to do that, go to a mall, converse with a (mature, not kid) black store clerk over a shoe or gadget, or talk to a black male colleague in confidence, at work who won't snitch your business out...anything to make a start. You'd be surprised. You're 53...I'm 51...you know I'm right.
Some days I'll go to the old home depot, and white women will make an invisible wall ten feet in front of me, constantly and nervously looking over their shoulder at me. Other times nicer, open minded ones will talk and flirt for so long that I'll start getting sleepy standing up!...No Joke. It's all about the person...and I say to myself it's not all white people...just some. I still remember whites that I served in the military with, and ones in history that fought, marched and died for and with black people, so that we could be treated like the people that our creator put us down here to be....Human Beings. No one people are Elitist...
There are:
Blacks scared of Black people...
Whites scared of White people...
Latinos scared of Latino people...
Asians scared of Asian people...
Indians scared of Indian people...
and so on....just to say:
There will always people scared of other people...you're not alone, just learn to get out and relax a bit, and use fear as your friend, not your judge.