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I often …Read more.
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Troubles With Raising Teenage Son
Dear Larry: I am African-American and a single mother with three children, ages 15, 10 and 8. All of them are boys. I am having a lot of problems with them, especially the eldest.
He argues with me about almost everything. He thinks he is the man/boss of the house. He wants to do things his way. The biggest thing we have disagreements about is his failure to follow my instructions regarding the time he must be home and in the house.
The home is becoming an unhappy place. It is getting to the point that I hate to go home because I do not want to get into an argument.
My other sons are starting to act out because of the fighting and hollering that is happening. I do not know how to handle the situation.
I would like to give my son to his father, but I have no idea where he is. Also, his father never wanted to have anything to do with his son. The father of the other two children is not helpful. He does not want to get involved and probably would be happy to get rid of his stepchild.
We have had counseling, but it has not worked.
I would appreciate any information or advice. I am desperate. — Tired Mom
Dear Tired Mom: Don't give up. You are experiencing the same thing millions of other mothers have had to endure. Your son is growing into an adult, and he is craving his freedom. He sees you as more of a warden than a mother. You are the one who always tells him "no" and what he should be doing. You are the one who is stopping him from doing what he wants to do.
The best possible advice is for you to follow the advice of a qualified counselor who has the opportunity to speak to both of you. The counselor can give advice, see how things are progressing and make modifications as the situation develops.
Other than that, all I can do is tell you how I handled a similar situation with my son.
I knew from my own experience growing up that freedom is what teens crave the most. Parents don't give their children freedom because they are fearful their children would make the wrong decisions and get in trouble.
There is always a push-pull between parents and children. It gets worse as the children get older. There is constant bickering until the parents finally, in exasperation, let go and grudgingly back away.
I decided with my son to let him have freedom when he finished high school. I chose that time because that was when he would go away to college, where kids typically have total freedom from their parents.
I decided to give my son a four-year freedom, or emancipation, plan. We started when he was in ninth grade. In ninth grade, he could decide where he wanted to go from after school until 6 p.m. The only stipulation was he had to tell me where he was going and why he was going there. The other part of the plan was that his decisions had to be free of any problems or trouble.
He knew that if there were no problems, his freedom time would be extended. If he had made wrong decisions, his freedom time would have been shortened.
I am happy to report that I never had to subtract time from my son's freedom time. When he finished high school and went away to college, freedom from parents was nothing new.
My method allowed him to have freedom with me there for counseling, support and advice. It takes a great amount of faith to let go of a child, and there is a lot of trepidation. I wish you the best. Write me and let me know what you decide.
To find out more about Larry G. Meeks and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2011 CREATORS.COM 
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Comments
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15 Comments | Post Comment
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"I would like to give my son to his father, but I have no idea where he is. Also, his father never wanted to have anything to do with his son. The father of the other two children is not helpful. He does not want to get involved and probably would be happy to get rid of his stepchild."
This statement right here is the heart of the issue. This is not really a racial issue, as the problem is common to all racial groups to one extent or another.
These boys do not have a dad to teach them discipline, moral instruction, or proper male role modeling. All three are essential duties of a father, as all three are best performed by the male parent, especially in the case of sons. It's a travesty and a shame...the odds are better than even that all three of them will wind up in gangs, and then dead of violence or drug issues before they're thirty. If they're acting out now, they'll get even worse without someone to take a firm hand with them and bring them under control.
By the writer's admission, both of these "fathers" have been falling-down failures at fatherhood. It doesn't sound like they've even tried, preferring to fob off their responsibilities completely on their sons' mother. The first one disappeared - obviously intentionally, the deadbeat - and the second...is he at least paying child support? If not, he should be.
I strongly suggest that the writer look around for someone who'd be willing to step into the role of dad, at least part-time. (I don't suggest running out and finding a boyfriend for this purpose.) Do these kids have ANYONE else who could be a positive male role model - a grandfather, an uncle, a sports coach at school, a minister down at the local church, a volunteer man from Big Brothers...anyone at all?
What these boys need is discipline (that word does not just mean punishment, btw), guidance, and someone to lead them by example. Someone wise, someone experienced, someone willing to recognize the situation for what it is and who wants to help. They're acting out like normal teenage boys. That is what teenage boys do. They need influence from a more senior and mature male figure who can channel those behaviors constructively.
The writer needs to get these boys down to church while she works on answering that question. She'll find help there from Christian men - clergy and lay people alike - who will understand the nature of this situation and who may be willing to help. Even if she isn't a woman of faith, they may be willing to help anyway. A genuine, Bible-believing church is one that ministers to the world and helps everyone, not just Christians.
The situation won't get better overnight, but this may help a little bit, as God is capable of working miracles. At the very least, this writer can gain some satisfaction from knowing she gave a real effort to raising these troubled young men in the right way.
I'm sure someone will have some kind of problem what I've written, and that's OK. Take it for what it's worth.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Matt
Fri Mar 11, 2011 11:02 PM
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To LW 1:
Larry has given good advice. As you and your son have gotten so wound up in negative behaviours, starting family counselling will be really useful to get you on the right track. Please do this. You have to be the one to start this for the sake of all three sons, as you have stated: the fathers are not going to be of any use.
Matt is right, that these boys need a male role model. Church or other religious institution is a good place, but communities are full of places where people care about one another. School activities, Scouts, sports, charities that need volunteers. Big Brother always sounded good to me. Your sons may have other ideas that they would like.
I'm sure being a lone parent is difficult, and I can see you care for your sons' future. Good luck to you all.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Sat Mar 12, 2011 12:39 AM
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Fact of life: Teenage boys listen better to adult males than adult females. A dad is just more EFFECTIVE than a mom saying sternly & sincerely "My job is provide for this famlly, YOUR job is to learn in school. I don't get up early just so YOU can screw up and get in trouble. If you get poor grades YOU aren't doing YOUR job. I will be talking with your teachers."
Comment: #3
Posted by: Dave
Sat Mar 12, 2011 6:02 PM
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Here's an idea. CUT HIM OFF. If the kid is getting mouthy, cancel his allowance. Without money from mama, there won't be any video games, Nikes, bling-bling, etc.
What about the TV? If your kids watch too much TV, just get rid of it. Cable TV? You're paying for that too, sweetie. Cancel the subscription.
Time and time again, I've heard male cheauvinists say "who pays the bills around here?" Well it's time for the woman of the house to say "yeah, and who's pay'n da bills, toots?"
Stop being a babe and start acting like a man! You need to be the man of the house.
Your experiences with men have gotten you nowhere. No woman should be that desperate for dick that she'd hook up wth guys who take up space. Get a vibrator to play with. It stays hard as long as you like and can't raid the fridge.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Roger
Sun Mar 13, 2011 12:36 AM
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Roger - Yep. I think you might be being a bit crude, but I agree - the mom needs to act like the head of the household that she is.
Dave - So, are you saying that the kids of single moms are, basically, screwed by definition because there is no human with the Y chromosome in the house? Bull. The words you provided - good ones, I must say! - can be said as much by a mother as they could be by a father. Being a firm and fair parent has nothing to do with whether your sex organs are located inside or outside your body.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Ariana
Sun Mar 13, 2011 10:31 AM
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Re: Ariana. Obviously you've never raised a son if you think that.
No one's saying that women *can't* raise capable, productive young men by themselves; a lot of people (including me) simply think that job is much more difficult without a male role model of some kind around. The fact of the matter is that mothers - by manner of psychology - simply are not equipped to train boys on how to become men or to tell them much of what it means to be an upstanding male. The National Fatherhood initiative (google it) is fond of saying, "It takes a man to be a dad.' They're right.
Mothers can and do play an essential role in instructing their sons on how to relate to women, once they become adults.
In like manner, I think men who try to raise daughters by themselves, have their work cut out for them. Such a man isn't in a position to teach her what it means to be a woman. As such a dad, I would not even pretend to understand what a teenage daughter is going through, mentally or physically.
As Miss Pasko pointed out, there are many places in one's community to look for those male role models. It doesn't mean the writer needs to become romantically involved with a man just to have a stepfather to the boys. (In fact I counseled against this; that alone is not a good reason to get involved with someone.)
Whenever we discuss parenting issues somewhere on the advice section of creators.com, it never ceases to amaze me how many people suddenly discover that maybe our grandparents and great-grandparents were right all along.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Matt
Sun Mar 13, 2011 6:42 PM
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Well, Matt, I am raising a son and doing quite fine and expect to continue to do so, thank you. Are you willfully misreading my words? I didn't say that male role models are unnecessary. I called Dave on an entirely nonsensical "fact" that teenage boys listen to adult males better than adult females. This only happens when boys are taught that it is the man who gets to make rules and the decisions, and the woman gets to follow. A dad is more effective than a mom in being firm? Can you provide a *logical* and *reasonable* explanation why it is more effective of a father to say the words Dave used than for a mother?
Comment: #7
Posted by: Ariana
Sun Mar 13, 2011 10:23 PM
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@Ariana: "Are you willfully misreading my words?"
I might ask you the same question. I haven't run into someone as intentionally obtuse as you, in quite some time.
"Can you provide a *logical* and *reasonable* explanation why it is more effective of a father to say the words Dave used than for a mother?"
Yes, I can.
For one thing, as boys pass through the teenage years on their way to becoming men, they become larger and stronger physically, as well as more aggressive. This is normal; their bodies are being flooded with testosterone.
During this period, the teenage boy often becomes larger and stronger than his mother. If she tells him to do something, no matter in how commanding a way, he might feel like he doesn't have to obey. And unlike when he was a little boy, his mother is no longer capable of physically forcing him into obedience if necessary, whatever that means in this case. Her only recourse, really, is to call the cops...and that can easily get ugly. Does a mother really want police officers in her home, and risk giving her teenage son a criminal record he'll have to live with for life, just because he wouldn't wash the dishes or something? And does she really want to resort to this when he hasn't even done anything particularly threatening, just refuses to comply? Every day, every week?
Having an adult man available changes all of this. A man who's about the right age to be a father of a boy like this, is often still big and strong enough to wrestle the boy into compliance if he is stubborn, and/or discourage him from getting violent with his mother. I should know...I got to be about eighteen, twenty years old, and I thought I was hot stuff.
When my father told me to do something and I didn't want to do it, I once challenged him to a boxing match instead. (Big mistake.) We went out onto the lawn, boxing gloves on. I swung at him and he blocked. Then he swung, connected, and broke my nose. And frankly I had it coming. I was the one who'd started the whole thing - a rash, hotheaded disobedient, impetuous young man. A senior, wiser male showed me who was boss. The situation was brought to an end - quickly and without having to get the police involved. Dad never felt good about what happened that day, but he did what needed to be done.
An adult male is also often capable of physically intimidating such hotheaded youths. This is over-and-above the fact that a deep male voice is easily more commanding and easily more listened to. The boy, of whatever age, will quickly understand that his father means business, and he's going to take Dad seriously a lot longer than he does Mom.
I'm not advocating domestic violence here, but you asked for a reason that a man is better at some aspects of parenting a son. Physical intimidation is a big part of it.
The mere observation that you continue to argue with such an obvious conclusion (men are better at...) makes me fear for what kind of man your son will become. Don't presume to know everything about parenthood - consider what the commenters here are telling you. Let go of your stubborn pride and consider that maybe we're right.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Matt
Mon Mar 14, 2011 11:17 PM
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Oh, wow, Matt. Thank you. It never even entered my mind that physically forcing children and teenagers to do what they don't want to do is par for the course in some families. I guess if you raise kids to believe that physical force trumps respect, it makes sense. Thank God that in my family, when either of the parents said, "Do it," children and teens did it, and when my cousin (6'3" and over 200lb at age 17) grumbled about doing chores and homework, his very petite mother only had to give him "the look" and pretty much say what Dave suggested, and he would do it (yes, grumbling, but he would still do it). His dad was in the military and often gone for months, so there was no threat of "Wait until your father gets home. He is bigger and stronger than you, so he'll MAKE you do it."
I am sad for you and your family, Matt.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Ariana
Thu Mar 17, 2011 6:59 AM
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Actually, I'm quite sad for YOUR family, Ariana. Sons need a dad, for all the reasons I've explained. It's a damn shame you don't seem to have any interest in finding a stand-in for the one your son apparently doesn't have.
Progressives. Seldom right, but never in doubt.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Matt
Thu Mar 17, 2011 6:36 PM
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I am really interested in this conversation.
Larry Meeks also has said in the past (something along the lines of) that when a boy reaches his teens that it is harder for a single mother to maintain discipline because the boy is larger, stronger, possibly aggressive. I can see that biological facts support this. Boys do go through changes as they mature, and they need lots of guidance on how best to control themselves and conform to society and family norms.
But I agree with Ariana that physical intimidation isn't the only way to raise obedient children. You need to have the right attitude from an early age. The one that every person in the family is important and has equal responsibilities. Sometimes it is chores, sometimes it is earning money, sometimes it is thinking of other's needs, sometimes it is just behaving yourself so that other people can get on with their responsibilities. Heck, sometimes it is relaxing and having fun together!
I know that Matt's way works for a lot of families. But leading by example has got to be the best way, if at all possible.
Also, I'd just like to say that I didn't get the impression that LW was desperate for a man in her life or that she'd "hooked up" too often. We often wonder about where the fathers are in these cases, and she is letting us know that neither of them is going to be of much use in her situation. She sounds like a caring woman who has just gone too far down the wrong path and can't find out how to get to a good place again.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Sun Mar 20, 2011 9:54 AM
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Huh. My teenage sons listen and respond to me far more quickly than they do to their father. He is as involved in their lives as I am as we live within walking distance to each other, and there are many other adult male (and female) family members within a few miles. I've never used corporal punishment....I will not hit my children.....but for some reason, they know that even though I'm open to compromise, I'm still the one in charge. I am the parent. And my word is the final word.
Obviously this is not true of all teenage boys. But lumping all teenagers in the category of them listening better to the same-gender parent is narrow-minded.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Siege
Sat May 7, 2011 2:01 PM
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Matt. Look your statement has some points, but only in the sense that when my son hits puberty I will have no clue how to hide spontaneous erections, or how to clean an uncircumcised penis properally, my partner (his dad) will be the one to do so.
In the case of discipline? My partner does not raise his voice at my son (yes my son is 3 ATM so what daddy says goes but that will change when he gets old enough to realise he can walk all over him) I can't imagine Dash listening to Andrew when Dash hits fourteen. My "brother" Is most certaintly more scared of his mother then his father. And his father has been there all his life. His mother says to do something he does it, and if he doesnt he knows he's in big trouble, she isnt abusive and barely yells, except in extreme cases, she just has to look at him and he listens. This will be happening with Dash. Dash does not need a father to discipline him- he has me.
LW1 - All I can say is act like the boss, you ARE the boss! And I say this is just a normal teenage attitude. And if he isn't on home on time, or doesn't do his chores, take things away from him... a mobile and access to the internet is perfect for this generation. Give it time. =]
Comment: #13
Posted by:
Mon Jun 20, 2011 10:28 AM
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How many different fathers does this filthy tramp have for her various children? This is precisely what's wrong with this country - all these out-of-wedlock children who don't have proper role models. Ugh - all this immorality is ruining this country. Don't have children unless you're married, and don't get married until you're old enough. If people followed those two rules, we'd have many fewer problems.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Miffy
Fri Jul 1, 2011 6:19 PM
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Pfft, HAHAHA. Delusional much there Miffy?
Comment: #15
Posted by: FireGiggles
Mon Jul 4, 2011 11:32 AM
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