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Should Absent Fathers Be Blamed for Society's Ills?
Dear Larry: I am writing in defense of us poor, misguided single moms who cannot adequately raise children without fathers. Your advice has blamed the lack of responsible fathers for society's ills. I don't agree with you.
When I got pregnant with my first daughter, I was not married. My family told me to abort because I was alone. The father had disappeared because he was not ready for fatherhood.
When I got pregnant with my second daughter, I got married because of the insistence of my family. It was a disaster because this man was bipolar and abusive. Enough was enough, so I packed up and moved halfway across the country with my two girls, ages 3 and 8.
My daughters are now 17 and 22. The eldest has graduated from a good university. She is modest and polite, and she goes to church on Sunday and doesn't drink or do drugs. My youngest is a senior in high school, is now the captain of the Scholastic Bowl team, is a choir member, plays in the band, plays varsity sports and is an honors student.
She has begun her applications to some of the top colleges in the nation. I fully anticipate she will be accepted to one of them. She, too, is anti-drinking and anti-drugs, modest, and well-respected by both her peers and teachers.
Larry, I ask you this: Where have I failed?
My friend has two sons she has raised alone since they were very young. One works full time, attends college and is kind and respectful. Her youngest, who is the same age as my younger daughter, is a senior in high school. He does well in school and has all the qualities that would make any parent proud. In fact, I would be proud to have him as my son or son-in-law.
As an aside, my girls and I are white, and my friend and her sons are black. We may not have had fathers for our children, but we had the following: strong and selfless love for our children, stable home lives with good values, respect for education, and the belief that all people should live by the laws of the land and the Ten Commandments.
Just to be fair, I see plenty of single moms who have done lousy jobs of parenting. But it was because of a lack of respect for themselves, their children, their country and their God.
Larry, I want you to stop blaming it all on irresponsible fathers. Place the blame at the feet of all irresponsible parents. — Proud Mother
Dear Proud Mother: Let me congratulate you for being an outstanding parent; you are to be commended. Your letter is a real upper that proves that despite the odds, one can succeed with enough effort.
With that said, single-parent families have an uphill battle raising their children. Eighty percent of single-parent families are headed by women, and 27 percent of them live in abject poverty. These families must depend upon the welfare system, which is rife with problems.
Single parents have a hard time dealing with work, household duties, giving quality time to their families, day care, school/homework activities and myriad other everyday issues.
Children raised by single parents experience more short- and long-term economic and psychological disadvantages, lower educational achievement, more physical health problems and many more incidents with law enforcement. All of these issues plague the children their entire lives.
Yes, there are examples of good single parenting, but the failures are the norm. For the good of society, we should advocate two-parent families and speak out against fathers and mothers who abandon their children.
To find out more about Larry G. Meeks and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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20 Comments | Post Comment
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"Should Absent Fathers Be Blamed for Society's Ills?" The title of the column says it all. No....but let's put it this way. Absenteeism by dads certainly doesn't do the situation any good, and as Larry correctly points out, it's usually to the detriment of the child. Financially, morally, socially, even physically. So the writer wants to spread the blame around and not just put it all on disappearing fathers? Fine. Let's start with her poor choices. Gets sexually involved with a man who "isn't ready" for fatherhood. (Is ANY man? You knock a girl up, you cowboy up and face the situation like a man, not a sniveling, self-centered coward. I've been there, and I did the right thing.) Next, she gets sexually involved with a "bipolar, abusive man," gets knocked up a second time, then marries him at her "family's insistence" (uh, it wasn't their decision to make...) thinking it's all going to magically work out. When it doesn't, he takes off too. Now she's sitting here bragging to Larry about her upstanding, God-fearing, pillar-of-society kids. Yeah. Assuming she's not greatly exaggerating all that wonderfulness (likely she is)...the kids certainly didn't learn their values from her. Larry's opinion, as usual, is spot-on. Find a decent guy, date him long enough to make sure he's going to stick around, GET MARRIED FIRST, then have a kid together! Complicated stuff, I know.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Matt
Sat Nov 6, 2010 3:08 AM
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A lot of the problems single mothers have is due to our ingrained sexism in this country. When women are paid what they're worth, instead of undervalued because they are female, then the crushing poverty they often face when the man leaves (as they so often do) will disappear. Affordable child care helps, too. So, let the men go and treat the women fairly. I was raised without a father and I turned out just fine, as did my older brother. So did a lot of friends I grew up with, whose fathers also deserted the family.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lisa McCue
Sat Nov 6, 2010 6:44 AM
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Agree with you completely, Matt. Also, how does this gloating mother know whether her daughters miss having a father figure around. My father died when I was 8, my younger sister just turned 2 and believe me, we miss him every day even if between the two of us we barely have memories of him, just what his family shares with us.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Miss Sashay
Sat Nov 6, 2010 6:45 AM
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Most of my students came from single-parent households. Some were born to teenagers, others were raised by grandmothers or "friends of the family."
I had one student who was well-spoken, hard-working, and needed no prodding from me. When I called his parent to tell her that her son was getting straight A's, she said "well that's obvious, I don't let him near the TV until his homework is done." That was seven years ago, and he's now in his last year at Penn State.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Roger
Sat Nov 6, 2010 12:43 PM
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Re: Lisa McCue You need to get realistic. Much of the difference in pay is not sexist, it is based on the fact that many women, especially those referenced in the article are beind the experience curve. As a man, I could work up to the day my wife gave birth. In a 2 parent household, as the mother needs at least 6 weeks to recuperate, and she is the one nursing, if capable, does it make sense for me to quit my job to be the stay at home parent? And if she decides to wait until the child starts kindergarten, she is 5 years out of the workplace, and 5 years behnd in salary. That is not sexism, that is work experience.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Steve
Sat Nov 6, 2010 8:06 PM
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I'm a recent widow (6 months) and this article has got me very unhappy. Basically, it says that now that my husband has passed, that the NORM for my children will be to failures? Larry says, "yes there are examples of good single parenting, but failures are the norm." We widows feel enough pressure to be both mom and dad to our children. Its not helpful to read stuff like this. I did not choose this way of life, nor did my husband. He did not abandon my children, he died loving them with all his heart and they know it. But this article just reinforces the fact that when our husbands die, we can forget about having successful children. Shame on you, Larry. I usually agree with everything you have to say but this week, I just can't agree. I never realized how anti-widow you are.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Anne
Sat Nov 6, 2010 9:22 PM
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Re: Anne Quit whining and playing victim and be the other side of the statistic, then! My mother was a widow and she was on the bad side of the statistic...going as far as spending my father's money he left to us to keep her man interested while her children went hungry and faced homelessness constantly. Never mind serving her kid up to be sexual prey(me) to keep that sick jerk happy and blaming said kid when sicko went after her favorite kid too.
A problem I notice a lot with single women is that they still do whatever it takes to keep the boyfriend happy and send the kids down the river. My mother sure did. One of my friends in her 60s mentioned growing up with an abusive stepfather and mother also did nothing because she needed a man more than she needed to protect her children.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Miss Sashay
Sun Nov 7, 2010 6:08 AM
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Miss Sashay, boy are you bitter. Get some help. Not all widows want/need/have "boyfriends". You don't sound like a very pleasant person to be around.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Anne
Sun Nov 7, 2010 6:31 AM
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Let's all try to get along....
I think we need to make a distinction here between single mothers who are widows versus single mothers who irresponsibly got pregnant by equally irresponsible guys.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Red
Sun Nov 7, 2010 10:35 AM
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As a child of a widow who was mother and father to me, I can say that single parenthood is no picnic. My mom did a wonderful job with two girls on her own, but like Miss Sashay we missed our dad everyday and still do. We ended up independent , college educated women thanks to our mom, but I always wonder "what if?". There are no pat answers, only individual experiences. Take what you will from ours.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Kaiulani
Sun Nov 7, 2010 6:50 PM
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And my intent is to raise my sons the best way possible and to be there for them always. No "boyfriend" will ever replace my husband or ever come before my sons in my heart. All I was saying is that Larry's comment was hurtful to people in my position. Then comes along Miss Sashay who also assumes I'm a deadbeat mom just because I am a widow. She is a bitter person who took her anger toward her mother out on me, which was not appreciated. She needs to get help and stop attacking innocent people who are in pain. And yes, Miss Sashay, widows are people who are in constant pain.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Anne
Mon Nov 8, 2010 3:33 AM
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First off, Matt, your post was excellently written.
Second, there *is* a difference between widows and absentee fathers. Chances are pretty great that if the couple had a stable relationship before the death than the fathers extended family are going to be a part of that child's life and a support to both the child and the mother. An absentee father more likely than not also has an absentee family therefore no support for the child or mother.
Last point I want to make is directed to LW1... You seem to enjoy taking all the credit for your children's success. But did you really do it alone? really? Who watched the kids while you worked? Who gave you money while you were a single parent and then again during the divorce? My guess is your family played just as much a role in your children's lives as you did and they deserve much more credit than you are giving them. Shame on you. If you didn't have the support network that you obviously did then chances are pretty great that your story would have ended quite differently.
Comment: #12
Posted by: It's me
Mon Nov 8, 2010 10:32 AM
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You can't just blame the fathers here, the mothers own a piece of this too. My 25 year old niece was engaged to be married last year but he called off the wedding at the last minute because he wasn't ready. Did she dump him & move on?? NO, she let him move in with her & paid his bills while he collected unemployement & played video games. a year later she's pregnant (a complete surprise & "miracle" according to her) and while he's at least working now, he doesn't want the baby & doesn't want to marry her. He also just bought a new car and a jet ski with his income as a delivery driver. She's upset he won't buy her a wedding ring or give her money for the baby. Like she thought he would magically change when she got pregnant... Like he was going to transform from a sperm donor to a responsible father when the pregnancy test stick turned blue....ugghhhhhh
Comment: #13
Posted by: Nance
Mon Nov 8, 2010 12:12 PM
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"You seem to enjoy taking all the credit for your children's success. But did you really do it alone? really? Who watched the kids while you worked? Who gave you money while you were a single parent and then again during the divorce? "
Yikes. I don't get where all the vitriol is coming from. Maybe she did have some help from family members. So what? That doesn't automatically make her any less of a parent to her children. If her family raised her children for her (remember, you have no way of knowing for sure, and neither do I), then yes, she should own up to it. But it sounds like she made the most of a tough situation, and her daughters have turned out well as a result. I'm not saying her path is ideal, but why not let her take her well deserved bow? Personally I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Jon
Tue Nov 9, 2010 2:43 PM
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Re: Jon
Good for you! I agree 100%. This woman may have made some mistakes (as do we all), but the fact that she raised her daughters as well as she did is admirable. She may be tooting her own horn a bit, but like you I can't understand where all the criticism is coming from. I suppose if her children had turned out badly, and she wrote in blaming it all on their absent fathers, she'd be criticised for not taking responsibility for her actions. Some people are found guilty in the court of public opinion no matter what they do.
Comment: #15
Posted by: JMG
Wed Nov 10, 2010 7:38 AM
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To all posters, I am the mom who wrote the original letter.
First let me say that I was 24, and had a college degree when I had my first daughter, so I was able to support myself and my daughter. I am not rich, but make a decent middle class income. Over the years I have moved twice for job reasons, and have owned two houses on my own. My family lives back east and we have live in the midwest, so none of my family has ever babysat or taken care of my girls. I always hired childcare, and paid a good amount for it, like many married couple must do. As for financial help that was never expected or asked for. Except for one period of three months, when I was unemployed due to a plant closing, my family has not helped me financially. During that time my father did help me pay for health insurance, and he knows how grateful I am. However, I know many married folks who have recieved help from families during difficult times, so does my being single make it wrong?
I would say that divorced or widowed, the biggest problem I see is when women sacrifice thier childrens needs and well being in pursuit of a man. There are many women who feel having a boyfriend is the most important thing. Again any good parent realizes that the first priority is ones children.
Yes I made very bad choices concerning men. Both of the men I mentioned were guys I dated for more than a year when this happened. Do I regret being involved with them, yes, but I have no regrets about my girls. After my divorce i spent nine years without being involved with anyone, other than an occasional date, so I more than paid for my mistake. There were times when my girls missed having a father and I felt badly for it, however they have now come to know thier fathers and do not feel it was much of a loss. Instead they tell me how glad they were to have me for a mom, as I was always supportive and loving and a true constant for them.
If I sounded like I was gloating that was not my intention. My two girls are my pride and joy and I have given them all of my love and attention. They have had a good home, and I have been able to provide them with a good life. No I have not exaggerated thier accomplishments. There is nothing amazing about them, they are just good people, and all of our children should be expected to behave this way, without it being seen as some big deal.
My frustration is with the constant harping that single parents can not do a good job. I have seen as many children from 2 parent families that get into trouble, as those from single parent home. It all comes down to a parent being willing to make the necessary sacrifices for thier children. That shou;ld be the norm!
Comment: #16
Posted by: lillian Hughes-Utsch
Wed Nov 10, 2010 3:28 PM
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Re: lillian Hughes-Utsch
I for one appreciate your willingness to follow up and elaborate your point. Your and your daughters' successes are well deserved. Being proud of that is not something you should ever have to explain or apologize for. Congratulations on pulling through some clearly difficult times.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Jon
Wed Nov 10, 2010 6:01 PM
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I second what Jon says, and I also agree with his first post. Good for you, Lillian. It sounds like you did a fine job raising your daughters. I didn't perceive your letter as "gloating" at all and thought it was strange that anyone would.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Van Wickle
Wed Nov 10, 2010 9:13 PM
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Lillian, thanks for writing in. But no, even after hearing what you have to say, I still agree with Larry. It's great that things apparently turned out well for you Lillian, but I still think your story is the exception rather than the norm. You say, "I have seen as many children from 2 parent families that get into trouble, as those from single parent home." Highly unlikely. I seriously doubt that. Every statistic I've read regarding the likelihood of children to try drugs, attempt suicide, drop out of school, join gangs, or get pregnant...shows that two-parent homes are far superior to single-parent ones at heading off these problems. If you have something other than anecdotal evidence to back that up, please share it. I don't mean to suggest that single mothers don't work hard at being good at what they do or that they aren't putting in the effort; quite the contrary. In order for the child rearing situation to turn out as well as it apparently did in your case, the remaining parent must work TWICE as hard (and often then some) in order to make up for the absentee one. For some people, that may simply be beyond human capability. Think about it - you have to work full time (often two or even three jobs) just to support the household. Then there is the matter of keeping house, preparing meals, helping with homework, administering discipline, taking kids to extra-curricular activities, volunteering with the PTA, and in general, fulfilling the role of both mother AND father - at the same time! There's only so much of you to go around and so many hours in the day. And because so many people are simply unable (not unwilling, but unABLE) to juggle so many balls at once, their kids wind up feeling neglected and unloved...and they turn to these unhealthy influences (gangs, drugs, etc) in search of that fulfillment. It sounds to me like you had significant support from your family, and that may be what made a difference in this case. Also, since your kids were involved in church, they probably were influenced at an early age by God's teachings...and by people at church who could provide positive role-modeling. Some of these mitigating factors may not be present in every single-parent situation; in those cases the kids are better-off when the dad stuck around. Heck...even in your situation you acknowledge that your kids would have been better-off with a father figure of some kind in the picture. By the way, I don't advocate staying with violent, abusive, or mentally unstable men - the impact on the kids then is probably worse than that of single parenthood!
Comment: #19
Posted by: Matt
Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:15 PM
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Seriously, I cannot even believe we're debating this. Can single parents -- be they widows, divorced or never married -- successfully raise terrific kids? Of course they can. And can married parents -- be they happily married or at each other's throats -- do a horrible job of parenting? Of course they can. I admit that I cannot cite any specific studies or surveys, but I'm willing to bet a pile of money that if you look at the statistics, they're going to show that happily-married couples have a MAJOR advantage over single parents. This has very little to do with the fact that women tend to make less money than men (a statistic, by the way, that is slowly changing), as I believe single dads (though they are less common) face most, if not all, of the same challenges as single moms. It's just easier for dads to walk away (they're not the ones who get pregnant).
So, here's the simple truth: there's a REASON it takes two to get pregnant (even if you have a sperm donor, that still means it took two). Every now and again, it turns out nature works the way it does for a reason. It's a whole lot easier to raise a child if you have a strong partner to help you. It just is what it is, folks.
To Lillian -- many congratulations to you for having faced down the odds that absolutely were stacked against you. While absentee fathers are hardly the ONLY reason our society has problems, let's please agree that absentee fathers ARE a major problem.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:58 AM
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