Ethnically Speaking by Larry Meeks

Angry Lee-please accept my condolences. I hope you consider Mr. Meeks' advice. I would also suggest counseling for your grandchildren as I am sure they are hurting, too. God Bless you all.

Re: LibraryKat--Your advice to Angry Lee is right on. Plenty of black people go to counseling by themselves, with mates and other family members and with their children. If you would feel better, try to find a black counselor. If whoever you choose isn't working out, doesn't hear your concerns, find somebody else. Check with your police department or your pastor for groups which help deal with the loss of a grown child to crime. As a teacher in city schools, I have seen many, many grandparents raising their grandkids for any number of reasons. These children need you and do not have to follow their mother into foolishness. Listen to Larry. People of all races and colors have grown up in the worst homes you can imagine and came out being strong, independent, self-supporting people. Not everything is your fault.

Angry Lee, I've worked with many old Black men who were raising their grandchildren because of tragedies like this. If you want it to work, take my advice:

1. GO TO A SHRINK!!!!!!!!!!! The greatest accomplishments in Black history were by people who "bucked the trend". And take the kids to a therapist too. They're going to have a huge amount of anger ver what happened to their mother, and they'l need professional help.

2. Throw the TV away, and replace the TV with a book case. It's nothing but a bad influence on kids. Children who are raised without TV are much better adjusted and never ask you for new toys (because without the TV ads, they won't know the toys exist).

3. Move to a good neighborhood. You don't want your kids raised ina community full of disgusting people.

4. Do you have family nearby? It's always a good thing to live in an area where relatives are within driving distance.

5. Join a church or some religious organization. It can help if you need to find people with whom you can swap babysitting duties.

6. Throw all processed foods out the window and eat only natural foods. Your life will be stressfull, and you need to keep your health in top order.

Judge Clarence Thomas was raised in part by an elderly relative in the South. When he arrived at the man's farm, the first thing he heard was "the vacation's over, and you're going to work." Years later, Thomas took in a teenage relative whose mother couldn't take care of him. He repeated his grandffather's speech to the boy on the first day.

Please look into The Compassionate Friends: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx They are a nationwide support group for people who have lost children (older ones as well). They have more than 600 chapters in all states, and you can look at the website to find a chapter near you.

Please look into The Compassionate Friends. They are a nationwide support group for people who have lost children -- older ones as well. There are over 600 chapters in all 50 states and you can find one near you if you look on the website. This site seems to be not letting me post my message with the URL, but it's compassionatefriends dot org.

A lot of people will decide to go to a church group or priest instead of to a counselor. I think what's important is to be able to talk about these thoughts with someone who is completely nonjudgmental and unbiased, who can give feedback that is helpful to you, who has a good understanding of people and how to counsel people. And who's outside the family or friend circles--they're better able to respond if they're not also in pain right now.

I'd still say grief counseling exists for a reason.

Mr. Lee - I just posted a mile long comment on facebook on your situation, and then came here. IMHO, everyone is different. I had no luck with shrinks, that I paid good (too good) money for. All four told me after 4, 5, and 6 months that I should be well over the death of my daughter who lived with me and died at age 35 from a stroke. And all were walked out on. Maybe if you can find a shrink who has also lost a child, they might understand. On the Compassioinate Friends Web Site, it did not mention that your loss was only 3 mos ago. I am so sorry to learn about the loss of your daughter. I admire you for even being able to function at this time. There is no pain that is both emotional and physcial like the pain of the loss of your child. There is no suffering comparable to what you will be going through, for it is a long and bumpy path we all take back to sanity and healing. I am 61, have three children who are all grown up, and no grandchildren, nor any in sight. So when my daughter, Michele, died 2+ years ago, I was actually comatose. For a long, long time. There was so much pain and emptiness and loneliness and rivers of tears to cry; no room for anger. It wasn't until the 2nd "angel" date, and in anticipation of it, that my anger hit me like a brick in the face. And I did not know how to cope with it. I had been attending Compassionate Friends meetings for about 1 1/2 years when this happened, and so I just picked up the phone and called our chapter leader, and she listened while I exploded. Then we talked about it. Even though the murder of her son was some 7 years ago, she had experienced periods of rage, too, but never acknowledged them. As I said in my post, when I was brought up, it was not lady like to get angry or enraged or yell or scream. But anger is a real and necessary part of grieving, and needs to be expressed just as much as the sadness and tears. The only way to walk the path back to sanity and healing is to acknowledge ALL your feelings, whatever they may be, at any given moment, and express them. And it is a very long and bumpy path. You are BLESSED to have grandchildren, to still have a purpose in life, a source of joy and love around you. Your path will be shorter because of them. You are, in part, angry because you lost someone that was a part of you and that you loved so much and was taken away from you - for whatever reason. Those reasons hopefully will soon become irrevelant because you are fortunate to have right in front of you flesh of your flesh that you can love and they will return that love a thousand fold. They will hold you up when you are down, and you will hold them up when they are down. So fortunate you are, you need to be on your knees a lot more giving thanks and praise - and asking for the strength to make it through the day. Because it will be a day by day, step by step life for a while to come.
Mr. Meeks offers much good advice to you about parenting, taking classes and seekng help with your grieving. The first HAS to be seeking help with your grieving. If you can, find a group of bereaved parents and make the time to be with them, as you will feel safe and understood there. You will see yourself in the reflection of everyone's eyes, as only we who have lost children can possible understand the depth of our feelings. Maybe you will be lucky - as you already are - to find a shrink or therapist that you can really talk to and build a relationship with. If the money is there, it's worth a try for sure. How to be a good parent and parenting classes can become a long-term goal for you as you go through the grieving process, one step at a time.
As I also said in my post on facebook, and as I said above about feeling your feelings - all of them - no matter whether you think they are right or wrong, they exist in you, and have to be expressed. The problems I have seen people have after a long time of suppressing the anger is a failure to move forward. Also, many, many people take the anger out on those around them when it has nothing to do with those around them. There are many ways to express your anger. You can go somewhere in the middle of nowhere - maybe in your car - and pull off the side of the road and just scream until you have nothing left inside. My favorite one was going to the Salvation Army and buying a bunch of plates, bringing them home, and smashing them, one by one, on my terrace. Of course, I had to clean up the mess afterward, but I felt so good doing it. I don't know how old your grandchildren are, but they have those blow up punching dolls you can all take part in - punching out the person who took your daughter's life and your grandchildren's mother from you. Use your imagination, because it's going to happen again and again and again until you get it out of your system and move on to something else. That may be tears, or sadness, or loneliness, or your anger with God. I think those can be dealt with personally, on your own time, or in church not during a service. He can take it - He took it from me for 30 years as I remained mad at Him and dismissed him from my life after Michele was diagnosed with Leukemia. This was not the good and kind and loving God that I grew up knowing that would do this to an innocent 5 year old.
I have written a book. I am again so sorry for you and losing your daughter and the situation you find yourself in right now. I don't think we can ever come close to understanding why because it is only in God's infinite wisdom lie the answers to that question. Again, IMHO, I don't think we are ever meant to know the why. There are many good grief books out there, things that may help you along your path. I really encourage you to find a group like the Compassionate Friends. They saved my pitiful life. I wish for you lots of love, hugs, empathy, compassion, understanding, and God's hand to hold on to on your path. Be gentle with yourself, and with the kids. Many hugs, Cathy

an W
ickleI feel so sorry for your loss-- having lost a child of my own-- also agree with the other comments that you should join the compassionate friends-- they have been so much help to me-- and do not judge xx--when they fgirst go there is so much anger!! and then the pain comes in and never goes away!!! It just becomes easier to live with xx

I can think of another reason "Angry Lee" needs to see a shrink. You have to wonder how the daughter ended up going down that path. I suspect that her father had some difficulty in either setting the standard or laying down the law. Washe too weak to stand up to her? Did he always give her money despite bad grades and a bad report card? Did he always call her a failure? Was he always disappointed in her? Did he and her mother have disagreements on how to raise her? Did he disapprove of everything and anything she did and never listen to her when she wanted to talk?


He needs to understand how she ended up the way she did.

This is the Facebook page for The Compassionate Friends (which must be what Cathy was referring to when she said she posted a comment on FB): http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Compassionate-FriendsUSA/90757574245?ref=ts Somebody from CF posted a link to the Larry Meeks column above, and there are over 100 comments. I hope somebody will make the LW aware of this. The Compassionate Friends Facebook page looks like an extraordinary resource that would be very helpful to someone in his situation. (And I hope he would know to click on "The Compassionate Friends/USA + Others" button at the top to see posts from members as well as CF administrators.)

I think Angry Lee has accomplished a big step in already realizing some of the things he did wrong. He's off to a good start realizing that he needs to do things differently. Bravo to him for asking for help and advice.