Ethnically Speaking by Larry Meeks

Dear Larry: I have a married friend and neighbor who is 30 years of age with two young children, ages 7 and 9. My friend is black, and his wife is white. He is a good parent, but I can't say the same thing about his wife.

The father does all of the rearing of the children. He is the one who cooks the meals, cleans the house, attends parent-teacher conferences and takes care of their needs. I know this to be true because the kids tell me what is going on in their house.

The mother is just the opposite. She seems to care less about the children. On more than one occasion, I have seen her drinking in the middle of the day. I also have seen strange men coming and going when her husband is at work.

The part I am having a problem with is this woman is mean and abusive toward her husband. According to the children, she breaks things in the home and hits their father. I know something is wrong because I have seen bruises on his face when he comes over to my house to get his children.

I have asked him about the marks, but he always makes up some excuse. He not only is evasive about the marks but also makes excuses for his wife. He says she is having a hard time or she does not mean it. He even says she loves him in her own way.

Larry, if my friend were a woman, I would call the police or try to get her into a shelter for battered women. However, because he is a man, I don't know what to say or do.

I have suggested to him that it is not fair for his children to see such behavior and he would be better off leaving.

I care about the children and my friend. I do not understand why he tolerates such abuse. I need some advice. — Martha

Dear Martha: First of all, race is not a factor and has nothing to do with this situation. Your friend sounds like a typical battered husband.

Your friend is suffering from a condition called "battered men's syndrome." There is a lot of shame in reporting his condition. In fact, only 1 percent of men will report women's assaults on them to the police. Women are nine times likelier than men to report assaults by the opposite sex. Our whole system favors the women, and men tend to internalize and deny their situations much more.

Most people think men should be able to handle abusive wives. When the men are unable to deal with their situations, society gives little support or sympathy.

There are many reasons men stay in such situations, and many are the same for battered women. They stay because of religious reasons and the feeling that children need two parents.

They also stay because of economics. If the father leaves and he is the sole means of support, our laws probably will give the home and children to the mother, plus the father will lose most of his income.

The last and probably biggest reason is he loves his wife and believes she will change.

I suggest that you allow your home to be a refuge for the children and be a friend willing to listen. However, if you see abuse taking place, you should not hesitate to call the authorities — friend or no friend.

To find out more about Larry G. Meeks and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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