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Ethnically Speaking, February 20

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Dear Larry: I am a 42-year-old mother of two teenage boys. We are not a minority, but my children's two best friends are African-American boys, ages 14 and 16. We are also neighbors, and the kids are schoolmates. I have known my children's friends almost their entire lives. They are good boys, and I am thrilled they love to spend time in our home.

About a year ago, I found out their mother and father were having problems. According to their children, the father got involved with another woman, who happens to be white. The mother has said some very harsh words about white women.

Her children are very shocked because they never knew their mother was a racist. I asked the boys what happened and what the circumstances were that caused her to use such words.

They said that they and their mother saw a picture on the father's cell phone of this woman performing oral sex on their father. They said their mother "went crazy" and used a lot of profanity laced with many vulgar words against whites, especially white women.

Larry, I see the boys' mother almost every day. We speak together, but we're not bosom buddies. I don't know what to say to her. Do I offer her sympathy, apologize or pretend I do not know anything?

The boys told their mother they told me about the picture, her tirade and the racist words.

It is hard for me to talk to her because I do not know what to say or think. Help. — Ruth

Dear Ruth: I would not jump to the conclusion that your neighbor is a racist or that she does not like you. Don't base your conclusion upon what the boys said. They could have added to or misunderstood the actual words. I have learned over the years that one's words are not always a good basis on which to judge a person, especially when anger is in the mix.

Have your boys ever told you in the heat of an argument that they hate you? Have you ever heard someone say, "I could kill that person"? Have you ever said, "I wish I would die"? These kinds of statements come out when we are angry, hurting, upset and in pain. It is obvious this applies to your neighbor.

I would not confront your neighbor with any accusations. I would say this to her: "The boys told me you and your husband are having problems. I'm sorry. If you want to talk about it, I am here for you."

This will open the door, and if she starts to talk and confide in you, you will know very quickly how she feels about your being white.

I never get upset about words, only the meaning behind the words.

Here's another thought: When parents become dysfunctional, their children suffer. These boys will need you. Do not abandon them, because their mother is hurting.

To find out more about Larry G. Meeks and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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Comments

4 Comments | Post Comment
Larry, I have to disagree with your assessment about this woman not being a racist. If she only made racist comments about the woman in the picture than I would agree with you. When people are angry with someone they generally say the most horrible thing they can think of about that person. But she started a tirade against all white women which means she actually is a racist - she just usually hides it better. I am a white woman who went to a school that had a lot of different races and I found the most racist group to be black women. It's sad but they're haters.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Diana
Sat Feb 20, 2010 3:11 PM
Re: Diana: Please! When women or men find out they've been cheated on they will curse the pair in anyway that comes up. If the one in the picture had been another colour she'd have used words appropriate to that group. She's not mad at all white women, she's mad at her husband and THAT white woman.
If it had been a pic of a black man or woman doing the same thing she'd have come up with some pretty words for them as well, I'm sure, and would one then conclude that she was racist against blacks? No, just that she's majorly torqued about her husband cheating. (and being stupid enough to have a picture of it on his phone! did the woman suck out his brains fer crying out loud??)
Comment: #2
Posted by: moon
Sun Feb 21, 2010 12:11 PM
I think the mother in her hurt and anger made statements that played to an visceral feeling in many black communities. My mother is white yet I have heard, from my own father, the trashing of white women in general. It was shocking to say the least, and I think some of it comes from the pettiness that women can have when "fighting" for available men.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Mich
Tue Feb 23, 2010 10:58 AM
I doubt this woman is racist. I have to admit, when my husband cheated on me and left me for a hispanic woman, I was hurt and angry. Yes, I probably said some racist things about hispanics, but only because I was so hurt and angry. It wasn't her fault that HE cheated on ME, it was his fault. But I know I said mean things which could be considered racist, about her. I am not racist, towards any race. It was just my emotions talking, as wrong as they were. This woman actually did me a favor, I just didn't see it at the time, because he left me for her. I had a female hispanic friend at the time and I never had racist thoughts or feelings about her. I'm color-blind, I never saw her and don't see people based on the color of their skin, they are just people to me. They are Maria or Shakesha or Kim. Not hispanic, or black or oriental. I think it was just this woman's hurt talking, that doesn't make her a racist. It might make one a little insensitive, but geez! I can't imagine how I would feel to see a picture of my husband with another woman doing THAT! No matter the race. It just gave her something to focus her anger on.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Judie
Sun Mar 14, 2010 11:31 AM
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