Ethnically Speaking by Larry Meeks

Dear Larry: I am an avid reader of your column and have wanted to write for a long time. I am a white woman and have been married for three years to a wonderful white man. I love him dearly. He treats me well, and he is an excellent father to our infant son.

The problem is my husband makes racist comments toward African-Americans. I never have seen him say or do anything rude to people of other races. In fact, he is unfailingly polite to all races except blacks. It is disgusting how he and his friends make these crude comments. They all do this when they are alone and think no one is listening.

I think much of this has to do with the fact that he grew up in a poor, racist family. When he finished high school, he went into the military. I believe he has not met very many educated, accomplished black people. In his military unit, which happens to be an aggressive combat unit, there are very few blacks.

I was raised in a middle-income family that rejected racism in every form. I grew up with lots of friends from all racial backgrounds. Before meeting my husband, I dated several black men, one very seriously. I think this is also part of my husband's problem.

The black man I dated seriously lied to my family and me for the three years we were together. He never told anyone that he already was engaged to a black woman who lived in another state. In fact, they already had planned the wedding and sent out invitations. While this was going on, he asked me to marry him. He even had asked my parents for permission to marry me, which, of course, they granted. When I found out about the deception, the relationship ended.

Shortly after the breakup, I went on a date with a very successful black businessman. On our date, this charmer raped me.

After these two experiences, I had many issues to deal with.

I went through counseling and worked through the lying and the rape. I easily can blame the two individuals for what they did without seeing their actions as a reflection of a whole race of people. I still have many friends who are black.

It was not long after getting my head together that I met my husband. Early in our dating relationship, I told him that I had dated two black men. I told him about the deceiving one. After we were married, I told my husband about the rape.

It was almost immediate that my husband started using his racial words and crude comments. His behavior greatly upsets me. Each time he uses the N-word or makes derogatory comments, I tell him it is wrong. He tells me that after what I've been through, he doesn't understand why I would stand up for anyone black or why I would want to have anything to do with black people.

I feel as if I've explained to him, in every way I can think of, why I don't blame an entire race for the actions of two people. Sometimes I tell him that if he were exposed to more blacks, especially ones of a higher class, he would have a different attitude.

To this, he usually counters that my ex-boyfriend was a lawyer and that the man who raped me was a multimillionaire. He uses this information to say that black people are morally deficient and that education and ambition don't make any difference.

Do you have any advice that might help change my husband's mind? — L.S.

Dear L.S.: I commend you for your enlightenment and the ability not to let the sins of two overshadow an entire race. It is too bad your husband does not learn from you.

I am afraid nothing I can say will change your husband's mind. I know what will change him: experience. My cousin who was in the Korean War mentioned the racism he endured when he was in the Army. The ugly treatment changed when he saved their lives in combat.

Sometimes experience is an ugly teacher.

To find out more about Larry G. Meeks and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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