Ethnically Speaking by Larry Meeks

Dear Larry: I have a major problem, and it is ruining my life. I need your advice. There is no one else I can turn to, because I am too embarrassed. You are a man, so I figure you will understand my problem. I hope you can guide me to the right path.

I have been happily married to a great girl for almost 10 years. She is kind and understanding, but I have hurt her so badly. I am addicted to finding sex partners on the Internet.

I start out by chatting online, and before you know it, the woman I'm talking to agrees to meet me. In every case, these meetings turn into having some form of sex.

I know I am wrong. I have told myself over and over that I will not do it again. I feel like a moth that is drawn to a flame. I know that what I am doing will lead to the destruction of my marriage and everything that I hold dear.

A few days ago, I did it again. I had stayed away from the computer for almost two weeks. I went through the same old pattern — chatting, agreeing to meet, and then having sex in my car in a parking lot. This time, I was caught.

My wife spotted my car, stopped, looked through the window, and opened the door. It was an ugly scene. I am sorry to say that it was not the first time I'd been caught.

I hurt my wife. I am truly sorry for hurting her and for my sorry behavior.

What is so bad about what I did is that I had visualized ahead of time everything that happened. While I was having sex with this stranger, I was thinking, "What is wrong with me?"

I didn't love this woman. In fact, I didn't even like her. I could see — in my mind — my wife catching me, a big blowup, and the hurt that would follow.

Larry, what is wrong with me? Any advice would be helpful.

Is there a way for me to put my life back on the right path?

Please help me. You can call me "Just Plain Stupid."

Dear J.P.S.: What you just described is addiction. Your behavior is like the behavior of people who are addicted to things, such as drugs, stealing and eating; the list could go on and on.

In order to break the cycle of addiction, you must do what you just did — admit your problem. Take the steps necessary to break the cycle.

In your case, I recommend that you, if possible, remove the computer from your home. Learn to live your life without the computer. If that's not possible, put a block on all those chatting sites.

Find a substitute for the thrill of the hunt with your wife. It is obvious you are not addicted to the sex. What you are hooked on is the conquest. If it were the act of sex, you would not be thinking about all of the consequences or asking yourself, "What am I doing here?" during the transgressions.

I have a number of suggestions on how to find that substitute, but they are not suitable for a family newspaper.

The other key to breaking your addiction is to have consequences for misbehavior.

Breaking addiction is a matter of psychological conditioning, for example, the famous process Ivan Pavlov developed to cause his dog to salivate when it heard a bell.

If your wife is as understanding and kind as you say, I believe she will give you another chance if you find the right marriage counselor.

Please choose a therapist wisely. I have found that too many therapists have been victims and that their "stuff" gets in the way of proper therapy.

Good luck, and write again to let me know how it is going.

To find out more about Larry G. Meeks and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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