Ethnically Speaking by Larry Meeks

Dear Larry: My wife of five years is leaving me. I am heartbroken and need some advice. I live in a very rural community, am out of work, and have few friends.

I don't think this makes any difference, but my wife is white, and I am black. Her parents have treated me as they would treat a son, and I never have felt race is an issue. I am a college graduate, and the only way I am going to get employment is to leave the paradise of rural living for the urban hustle and bustle.

The reason my wife gave for leaving is she is tired of my mood swings, my smart mouth and my lack of ability to find a job. When she told me this, I was emotionally knocked on my bottom. Not one time had she ever told me she was unhappy. She always seemed happy to have me around. Every day, she expressed words of love, and sex was never a problem.

The first indication something was wrong was when she told me out of the blue that she needed some space and was going to stay with her parents. After she left, I talked with her over the phone, and she said we needed some counseling. I agreed, but after two sessions, my wife told me our marriage was over. I was aghast.

I asked my wife, "Why didn't you tell me how you felt before this major decision?" I told her that if I had known, I would have changed my behavior. My wife admitted she should have said something, but she was scared because she didn't know how I would react. She also added that she felt she was losing her identity because all of her efforts were directed to making me happy and nothing was being directed to her. She then said that she has made up her mind, that it is over, and that she doesn't want me to call to try to get back together.

Larry, this happened about a week ago, and I feel that I am about to lose my mind. I am alone in the house. I am trying to honor her request, so I have not called her. I don't know whether I should move or stay here in the country.

I believe the counselor could have been more helpful and could have insisted that we have more meetings. What gets me is the counselor actually encouraged my wife to leave. The counselor said to her that if that was how she felt, then she should act.

Larry, in your opinion, is this good marriage counseling? I need some help. Should I call her or not? — Broken

Dear Broken: Wow! I am at a loss as to how all this could have happened "out of the blue," without you seeing it coming. I accept the fact that you were blindsided, but your inability to see this emotional bomb coming tells me you were probably so much into your own stuff that you did not pay attention to her issues. If I am right, your relationship was one-sided; you were the taker, and she was the giver.

She was wrong for not telling you, but you must accept the fact that something in your behavior made her afraid to express herself. This is proved by the fact that she only found the courage to tell you after she left you.

I suggest that you write her a letter and explain your self-realization. Tell her that if she gave you another chance, you would be a different person. I also suggest that you put in your letter that more counseling (with a different counselor) is in order. I lastly suggest that you make plans to find a job, even if it means moving.

Give her the letter, space and time.

From Bob: I suggest another way for the flight attendant to handle the passenger who did not want to sit next to a black man. Using the PA system, I would have said:

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? I have a woman here who was assigned a seat next to a black man. She refuses to accept that seat, so is there anyone else here who would be willing to sit beside a black man to accommodate her wishes?"

That would be the epitome of customer service and the last time she ever would consider making that request.

To find out more about Larry G. Meeks and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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