Dear Larry: I need some help with my marriage. I am trying to understand my husband, and I need a man's point of view. My friends are all women, and they tell me to kick the bum out. I am confused and don't know what to do.
I am 35 years old, and this is my first marriage. I love my husband and want to make our relationship work, but he just will not work outside the house.
We have been married two years, and he never has had a job. Let me be a little more accurate: He never has held a job for longer than a month. When he gets a job, I believe he will do anything to get fired. For example, he will arrive late or not at all; get into disagreements with other employees or customers; and disrespect the managers.
I try to be tolerant, but I am tired of being the only one working. My husband seems to enjoy staying at home watching soap operas. As an aside, I don't know any husband who enjoys watching those shows day after day.
Looking at the other side, my husband treats me very nicely. He keeps the house clean, does the laundry, and always has dinner ready when I get home. If I give him a heads up, he even will run the bath water for me. Our sex life is out of this world.
I want my husband to work and bring in a salary, as other husbands do. He agrees with me, but it never seems to work.
Larry, do you think my marriage is normal? Do you think I should live with the situation, or should I follow my girlfriends' advice?
Any words would be helpful.
— Alma
Dear Alma: I am a traditionalist and agree with you that it would be good if your husband would work and "bring home the bacon." However, from your letter, it sounds as if he is not willing to be a traditionalist.
In this day and age, traditions are changing. I know many marriages in which the traditional roles are reversed. Your situation is not unusual.
It is obvious you have studied the situation and looked at both the pros and cons and are trying to make a life decision. In the end, only you will be able to determine whether it would make you happier to live with or without him.
I know many women who would be thrilled to be in your shoes. There are many women who would be happy just to have a man waiting for them, regardless of the dinners, housecleaning and sex. I also know many women who would not tolerate having a husband without a job and could care less about the sex, etc.
Regarding what to do, your letter seems to lean more to living with the situation. If that is your decision, I recommend that you keep your girlfriends out of your relationship.
Write me again, and let me know what you decide.
To find out more about Larry G. Meeks and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.
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7 Comments | Post Comment
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Is it possible that Almas husband has a social anxiety disorder that makes him uncomfortable around others? Or perhaps he just has never found a job he really likes.
Either of those could be addressed. The first by counseling. The 2nd by career counseling and evaluations (try the local community college).
And... maybe Alma would be happy if her husband simply pulled some of the weight financially. There are many things he could do at home to earn income. With the technology we have today, he could be an administrative assistant, do phone sales (in bound and out bound), or, perhaps, he could start a landscaping business or even do daycare... after all, if he and Alma do have children, it looks like he will be the one staying home to raise them.
After a heart attack, I retired early from a high pressure job as the CEO of a mid-size securities firm. Being bored, I took some classes at a local community college and discovered I loved to bake. I now have a thriving part time business making desserts & fresh baked cookies for weddings, corporate gift baskets, and special occasions. I do all the house work and have great meals for my wife when she gets home from her job. On the weekends we make sure both our jobs are finished and we take the time to play and rediscover the reasons we fell in love. We could not be happier.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Bob
Sat Jul 12, 2008 6:02 AM
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Good suggestions Bob, another suggestion is to speak to a financial planner about how to plan for their future on only 1 income. It can be very tough without a lot of planning. Get the husband involved and maybe he can find something on the side he enjoys. Maybe the wife can get him out and taking some community ed classes through their local college. he might really find soemthing he enjoys.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Laurie
Sat Jul 12, 2008 6:53 PM
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I agree with Larry and with the comments posted so far. If he were a worthless drunk who never did anything around the house, who spent her paychecks in addition to not holding down a job, the situation would be more clear-cut. As it is, it sounds like she's got something to work with. The girlfriends sound like miserable, man-hating shrews, if they truly think this gal ought to end her marriage over this.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Matt
Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:02 PM
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I wonder what the response would be if a man wrote in saying that his wife can't keep a job, but she is a wonderful housekeeper, keeps the house spotless, has dinner ready for him when he comes from work, etc. But otherwise watches soaps all day. His friends recommend that he kick her out. Why is it that stay-at-home wives are okay in this day an age, but stay-at-home husbands are bordering on a no-good-bum who is not earning his keep? For the record, I am a married working woman.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Ariana
Sun Jul 13, 2008 9:43 AM
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I agree that if the genders were reversed than people would be less likely to judge the spouse staying home so harshly.
However we, as a society, have conditioned little boys to be competitive and grow up to be men who are the "bread winners" and we have not conditioned little girls the same way. Just the opposite. Our society sees a woman's greatest asset as her looks, something my wife and I have tried hard not to allow our daughter to be influenced by.
However I think that two people who decide to be a couple should set their own "rules" for their relationship, and not allow outsiders to shake their faith in each other. Each person has to bring value, though it need not be monetary. What is important is that they agree on what IS of value and that each contribute and each respect, what is contributed.
There is nothing wrong with a stay-at-home spouse that IS contributing. However in this age, it is hard for a couple to live off the earnings of just one, so if they can, they should appreciate their good fortune and the stay at home spouse (as this one appears to be doing) should be handling all the household chores so the "working" spouse is not doing double duty.
However if they need the money... he needs to figure out how to earn his share of it.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Bob
Mon Jul 14, 2008 11:09 AM
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In response to Alma (husband not working outside of the house). She never mentioned his past history (marriage,children). Usually a man that won't work outside the home won't work inside the home either. We call that lazy. This man seems to be hiding from child support. It is very easy to find a working person though a work history which this individual is working very hard to avoid.
Comment: #6
Posted by: SAMMIE DURDEN
Sun Jul 20, 2008 5:19 PM
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To Sammie, I'm not sure where you get the idea that the man is hiding from child support. There was no reference at all in the letter to his having had children. To my mind, Ariana nailed it.... if a man wrote in saying that his wife was a wonderful housekeeper, kept a spotless house, made dinner every night, would draw his bath if he asked her to, and was fantastic in bed ----- but didn't have a job --------- if the man married to such a woman, wrote in asking if he should throw her out in the street because she wasn't also making money ------ most readers would be outraged!
As Larry often points out in his column, the world is changing. Roles change. The LW's situation is not all that uncommon. If she's otherwise happy in the marriage, as Larry said, her girlfriends need to butt out.
Comment: #7
Posted by: sarah morrow
Sun Jun 13, 2010 10:16 AM
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