Dear Larry: I am in a deeply committed relationship with a wonderful black man. I am white, am 25 years old and have a little boy by another father, who also happens to be black. My parents do not like my current boyfriend, and they do not get along.
I know this is the person for me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Every time I see him, my heart seems to skip a beat. He makes me feel complete, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. When he is near, I am happy, and when he is away, I am sad. Our sex life is out of this world. If this is not love, I am at a loss for what is love.
The problem is my boyfriend is jealous all the time. He resents my being on the phone talking to anyone. He does not want me to leave the house because he is afraid that I will meet someone else who is better than he is. When I go to the store, he insists that he go along. The latest time we were at the store, he got angry at the checker because the checker was, in my boyfriend's opinion, too friendly.
I do not mind his concern because I know that it is his way of showing that he loves me. It is nice having someone who wants me with him all the time, but his insistence is getting in the way now. My boyfriend is not always available to go with me every time I need to be somewhere.
Because he hates my parents, I find it impossible to visit them. My son has been late to school a few times because my boyfriend was slow getting ready.
I have tried to make my boyfriend feel secure. I go out of my way to be in touch with him always and tell him what I am doing, where I am going and even what I am thinking. Nothing seems to work.
I asked my boyfriend what I could do to help him feel better.
He said, "Nothing. It is a black thing." I have never heard of this before. Because my friends are now all gone, I have no one to consult. I dare not talk with my parents. That is why I am asking you.
Larry, what is my boyfriend talking about, and what can I do? — Ruthie
Dear Ruthie: Your situation is troubling and scary. Your boyfriend is paranoid, and it has nothing to do with his skin color. He is controlling, manipulative and, in my opinion, dangerous.
My advice is to get out of this relationship until both of you get help. He needs to overcome his illness, and you need to find out why you are willing to tolerate his abuse in the name of love.
I suggest you contact the organization WEAVE (Women Escaping a Violent Environment) before you do anything. I am afraid you may see a side of your boyfriend that is dangerous.
Please write me again and let me know you are safe.
Dear Larry: I need to make a correction regarding the tattoo subject. The woman who wrote to you said her brother considers tattoos on women to be "tramp stamps."
The "tramp stamp" label he is referring to is given only to the ones that women put on their lower backs. These tattoos are the ones that show when women sit down. When a woman sits, her pants are lower in the back, and you can see her "bull's-eye." This term was used and popularized in the movie "Wedding Crashers."
The other tattoos on women, such as ones on the neck, upper back, arms, etc., are not considered "tramp stamps." — Juli
Dear Juli: Thank you for that clarification. I know a lot of people who consider any tattoo, regardless of location, a "tramp stamp."
To find out more about Larry G. Meeks and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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LW1 - She has listed several signs of being an abusive relationship: (1) her BF is jealous of complete strangers; (2) he has isolated her from her friends and family, thereby removing any system of support she may have had; (3) he controls her actions, such as prohibiting her to leave the house without him and getting upset at her being on the phone; (4) he has convinced her that this behavior on his part is a sign of love when it is clearly controlling beyond any reason (she can't even take her son to school on time because her BF needs to come with her!). This is not a Black thing. This is an abuser thing, and those come in all colors. She needs to run for the hills as fast as she can.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Ariana
Fri Jul 16, 2010 9:21 PM
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RUN, DON't WALK!!!!!!!!!!
O.J. Simpson did this to his 2nd wife, Nicole Brown, who was white. It's called OTHELLO SYNDROME, and race has a lot to do with it. Your boyfriend sees you as his trophy, and he's paranoid about keeping you on a leash.
I don't know how old your son is, but your son is in SERIOUS DANGER. The man will see your boy as a competitor for your affections, and he'll start hitting him.
The fact that he HATES YOUR PARENTS is a major warning sign. He's trying to cut you off from friends and family.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Roger
Fri Jul 16, 2010 9:46 PM
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LW 1 has hit the nail on the head as she asked her question. She said, "If this is not love, I am at a loss for what is love."
She is at a loss. And she's taking unbearable abuse, which will only get worse because she does not know what love is.
Larry, Roger, and Ariana are all right. She needs to get out while she and her child are still OK.
Comment: #3
Posted by:
Sat Jul 17, 2010 5:11 AM
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LW1.....Listen closely to all these people and Larry. They are all absolutely accurate in their assessments. Get out Now! If you wait, it will just become harder as time goes by. Just by reading what little bit of you life you put out to the public in your letter to Larry, your boyfriend has started the cycle of abuse. You are just his newest victim. This is not about love. It is about control, and he wants to control you! Roger is correct! ANY children you have will be in danger.
We will be rooting for you. It may be hard and seem downright impossible now, but you will save yourself more heartache, pain, self regret and a slew of other things that WILL take place if you extract yourself NOW, not later. And don't think you are the one to change him. He does not see he has a problem. He never will. He will eventually convince you YOU are the problem. Don't let lack of money stop you either. There are many organization that will help you. Be brave and take that first step and call WEAVE or any other organization that helps women safely escape abusive situations.........
Comment: #4
Posted by: kat
Sat Jul 17, 2010 8:07 AM
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LW1- if this is not love, what is it?
This is not love. Love is about trust, RESPECT, friendship, commitment, open and honest communication. Love is about wanting the best for each other. Love is about give and take and compromise. It takes maturity to truly love someone in a healthy way.
What you have is heart fluttering, sex-fueled infatuation. Sure, it's intoxicating. but it is not love.
As the others have mentioned, this man has the signs of an abuser. I was married to someone like that.
RUN.
You deserve better.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Loretta
Sun Jul 18, 2010 8:04 AM
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RUTHIE, please consider very carefully what everyone is telling you here. Your boyfriend has problems (perhaps psychiatric issues) that you alone cannot correct. Your first loyalty is to your son and yourself. Get yourself and your child to a safe place, and call up women's support agencies for advice and plans. Even if you are not ready to dump the boyfriend yet, get away from him for now. Your son especially is in real danger, and you are too. What will you ever tell your son if this man hurts him, even disables or disfigures him -- "sorry my child, the sex was too good to leave?"
I can see you shaking your head in disbelief, dismissing everyone's advice as irrelevant because we "don't know him" and his finer qualities like you do. Or we are not "in love" as you are, or you can't imagine not holding him. But please, recognize that this level of thrill is not lasting. Every marriage settles into a routine that is less passionate, and is built on something more solid and enduring. You don't seem to have that foundation. So please, take a good look at your child, and just make one call. Talk with one counselor. Make sure you have lots of support around you and a place to run to when his violence erupts. It will.
Take good care.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Claude
Sun Jul 18, 2010 2:30 PM
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Roger,
I agree with you that the LW should get out of the relationship immediately, but I can't agree with you that spousal abuse is a "Black thing." Of course it's possible for Black men (or women!) to be abusers, but White men are just as likely to be abusive. The fact that O.J. may have had the condition doesn't make it necessarily racially driven. (I say this having worked as a therapist, and heard many women recount tales of violent abuse, including physical beatings.) Many interracial couples do NOT have abuse problems, and many same-race couples have terrible problems, leading up to and including the death of one of the spouses. There can sometimes be racial elements in abuse, but I don't think there's enough evidence to conclude that's what's going on in this case. It may be, but it may be just a case of paranoid jealousy and possessiveness... all good reasons to exit the relationship, regardless of the abuser's race or motivations.
Comment: #7
Posted by: sarah morrow
Mon Jul 19, 2010 11:45 PM
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Ruth, here's an idea.
Take out a life-insurance policy for your boy. That way, when your boyfriend kills him, you'll have enough money for a nice funeral.
I'll give your son two years to live. Your boyfriend will start hitting the boy, and within two years he'll beat the child to death, just like Joel Steinberg did with his daughter.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Donny
Tue Jul 20, 2010 10:36 PM
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Domestic abuse - emotional and physical - knows no color. Get out now.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Matt
Tue Jul 20, 2010 11:15 PM
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Re: sarah morrow
Roger didn't say it was a black thing - you might want to read his post again and maybe look up the syndrome he mentioned. Race may very well be playing a role in his behavior but that doesn't make it a black thing - it makes it a human thing.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Diana
Wed Jul 21, 2010 10:24 AM
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