Dear Margo: I've been married to my husband for two years. We've been together for six, but have had problems throughout. However, I have always loved him and thought we would have babies and grow old together. A few months ago, I began to develop feelings for a very close girlfriend of mine who is gay. The feelings turned out to be mutual, and after a drunken threesome with my husband, she and I embarked on an affair. This was meant to be just a short-lived fling, but it quickly turned serious. I honestly feel she is the love of my life. I have never been so emotionally, intellectually and physically in sync with another person. I love my husband, but the glaring contrast between the relationship I've developed with my friend and the one I have with him has given me a glimpse of a happiness I never thought was possible.
The affair has come to his attention, and he's willing to work through it, but said I have to end my relationship with my best friend. She and I have ended our physical relationship while I am sorting things out with my husband, but she's continued to be a source of support. The thought of ending things with her makes me physically ill. Part of me wants to walk away from my husband and pursue this exhilarating love, but I am scared and sad at the thought of ending a semi-happy six-year relationship for something that is so new and foreign to me. — Betwixt and Between
Dear Be: This will strike some as radical, but I am going to leave gender out of the equation. What you are contemplating is leaving one partner for another. Because you say you've had problems throughout this six-year relationship, you believe this woman to be the love of your life, you are experiencing happiness you never thought possible, and you feel physically ill at the thought of losing her, I would recommend you try to upgrade from "semi-happy" and go for it.
— Margo, audaciously
No Reason To Feel Disloyal
Dear Margo: After 28 years of marriage and many good times with my parents, my mother has decided she never liked my husband. She now says she doesn't even want him in her house! This makes me feel disloyal when I visit. My mother needs emotional support because of her age (79) and a husband (82) who is not well. I can't just walk away because my siblings aren't even in this country. What to do? — Kind of Torn
Dear Kind: It seems to me that after nearly 30 years, your mother "deciding" she's never liked your husband is an indication of a few screws loose, courtesy of old age. I am assuming your spouse has not suddenly landed on the 10 Most Wanted list. The fact that she's approaching 80 and only recently decreed your husband unlikable suggests to me that she is undergoing neurological changes. What I hope is happening is that your husband is mature enough to encourage you to hang in there, as the only child easily accessible to your mother and her husband, and continue the visits without him. I also hope he looks on the upside of skipping those visits. If I had an in-law who, after almost three decades, decided I was persona non grata, it would be my great pleasure to stay home. — Margo, acceptingly
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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14 Comments | Post Comment
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I generally like Margo's column, but does anyone else find the constant "sign-off with adverbs" a little grating?
Comment: #1
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Fri Mar 5, 2010 4:18 AM
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Re: Maggie Lawrence
If you like here column then why are you complaining about a quirk that is part of her personal style? There are plenty of advice columnists out there if it is so grating you can go to those columns and not have to be irritated.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Paula
Fri Mar 5, 2010 4:35 AM
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There is a saying that the grass is always greener on the other side of the hill. New loves are almost always more exciting and thrilling. Then they turn into mundane day to day living and fighting with another person. I'm sure when this woman started out with her husband it was thrilling and she was very happy. Things deteriorated. Reality sets in. When people get married they make a vow for a reason. Sure there are temptations along the way but they make a commitment to each other and violating that commitment is betrayal of the other partner. Marriage is supposed to be till death do us part not till hot affair do us part. If that's the case don't make promises to your partner. Tell them the truth that you're just with them till an exciting opportunity comes along. Sure they may not want to be with you in that case or they may date other people but that's only fair. People betray their partners for someone else only to find eventually that the person they left him for is also not a constant source of happiness and excitement. That's life.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Gamalpha
Fri Mar 5, 2010 4:50 AM
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Gamalpha - I have to agree with you and disagree....I agree that vows should be taken seriously and people should mean it. But I also accept that vows are only sacred to those that truly believe them and honor them. The reaility is that many, many people say them but don't really mean them. Most people in today's society don't look at a marriage vow as binding. Some set stict outs (abuse, cheating, etc.) others have lower thresholds...such as a hot fling. I also accept the fact that many people make mistakes. They make poor choices. I personally don't think that one should ever have to live with a mistake if it can be righted. I lvoe my wife and made my vows in front of friends and family...but we had discussions about this before we got married. We realized that 50% of marriages end in divorce...that the rest of our lives is a long time. We are gonna do our best and that's all we ask of each other. Treating marriage like a prison and denying yourself the opportunity for happiness outside of your current marriage just doesn't work for many people and that's fine with me. On the flip side I think people should realize the price you pay - especially if children are involved. I nervously agree with Margo. KJ - apprehensively
Comment: #4
Posted by: KJ
Fri Mar 5, 2010 9:19 AM
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I'm not saying that if you make a terrible mistake you shouldn't be able to get out of a marriage. In this case the woman didn't make a terrible mistake. She loves her husband and he lovers her. He was even willing to forgive her fling. I look at it a little like ice cream. I love ice cream but it's not good for me. It makes me fat. I can eat it every time I want it and it makes me happy but in the long term it causes lots of problems. We shouldn't just do something because it gives us pleasure. There are more important things in this case loyalty to her husband.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Gamalpha
Fri Mar 5, 2010 10:34 AM
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LW2- It really sounds like Mom is having 'mental' problems. My grandmother had early, onset Alzheimers disease.. we moved in with them when I was 14 yos because my grandfather was dying and my grandmother needed constant care. Before my mom and the doctor got Grandma's medication stable she accused me of taping her conversations to have her put into a home and didn't want me anywhere near her. She said some horrible things both to me and to the rest of my family about me. But I had never done anything to her. I was having enough of a hard time coping with switching schools and just trying to get by. At 79 senility doesn't seem like that much of a stretch. Definitely get mom checked by the doctor. I know that once Grandma's meds were balanced she was much better for several years. Maybe the doctor can help your mom too.
Comment: #6
Posted by: araminta
Fri Mar 5, 2010 10:38 AM
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First of all, if we're really going to take gender out of it in order to eliminate any bias related to homosexuality (or bisexuality, as the case may be), it seems to me that Betwixt and Between should at least attempt counseling with and/or without her husband before divorcing him. I'm willing to bet that actually would have been Margo's advice had this letter come in from a woman who had had an affair with her best male friend. It does not sound as if she and her husband have ever productively worked on their relationship to make it better. She should at least give that a try before throwing away the marriage.
The reason NOT to take gender out of it is that there's the possibility that the whole reason Betwixt has never really been happy with her husband is that she has always been gay and didn't realize it (or didn't want to admit it to herself, etc.). If that's the case, then no amount of counseling is going to change that fact, and she should get a divorce, which will not only allow her to pursue the gay relationship but also allows the husband to find real happiness with someone else.
But unless she is now convinced that she is really gay and this is why she's never been happy with her husband, she needs to get her head on right before she makes any kind of choice, which is why she needs to pursue counseling first, regardless of gender issues.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Mar 5, 2010 10:52 AM
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Re: Gamalpha -- I agree with you except on one point: The writer did make a mistake, a huge one, and now she is facing the consequences. The mistake was in pursuing the extramarital relationship. This is an example of "be careful what you wish for." She and her husband thought a threesome would be fun, but now they're talking about divorce. Very sad. There's a reason one should never open Pandora's Box. I love Margo, but she is so wrong on this one. The writer needs to "dance with the one what brought her" and work on her marriage. (Also, help me out here -- What does LW mean? Thanks!)
Comment: #8
Posted by:
Fri Mar 5, 2010 11:47 AM
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Mary — LW means letter writer.
Maggie Lawrence — One of the things I really enjoy about Margo's column is the "sign-off with adverbs." It shows appreciation of language and cleverness, both of which I appreciate. I love this use of words!
Comment: #9
Posted by: JP
Fri Mar 5, 2010 12:04 PM
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Great advice Margo just go where it makes you the happiness. It don't matter who you hurt or walk over. Thats what's wrong with todays society. How did you ever get an advice column?
Comment: #10
Posted by: Jack Olds
Fri Mar 5, 2010 1:53 PM
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"I am going to leave gender out of the equation"??? LW is clearly gay and now she is out of the closet! Many gay people try to deceive themselves and their straight partners, they get married and try to live "normal" life, but this is so wrong and unfair for both.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Ana
Sat Mar 6, 2010 3:57 AM
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Jack, she got an advice column because her mother was a famous advice columnist! And I like to read it, I just find the constant straining to find a different adverb niggling.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sat Mar 6, 2010 10:29 AM
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I'm with you Maggie, it's a good column, but the silly sign-off is annoying...
Comment: #13
Posted by: Ms.M
Sun Mar 7, 2010 3:45 PM
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Dear Betwixt and Between:
Emotions should not dictate behavior. Emotions are passing and can many times confuse people. If you had a job and you felt like not going to work for a month do you think when you come back you boss will still hold that job for you.
Behavior can not be driven by lack of morality. You and your husband should had never aloud a third person into your marriage. Would you have aloud a family member to join you sexually withyou and your husband, or a child ? I'm being harsh to make a point. Does not matter how bad it is your relationship with your husband you do not aloud a third party in .
I have been married for 20 years ,all marriages goes thru up and downs. That it is why there is no room for infidelity in a marriage. Marriage is sacred . There is no other relationship were a person soul will be tested. The darkest aspect of your self will all be tested. Do not let yourself be taken into a dark hole that you will certainly regret.
I don't know what it is your relantionship with God. I hope that you hold on to whatever connection you have and ask God for his guidance do not ask a colummist . God it is the only one that can asnwer this for you . Pray for yourself and your husband. Ask God to remove anything that it not part of his plan for you.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Ask God
Mon Mar 15, 2010 6:24 PM
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