Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

Dear Margo: I fell in love with a great guy about three years ago. Problem is, I am bipolar, and I was in the middle of a manic stage. Now I am in a deep depression. I take my meds, but sometimes they just don't work. I am in the process of switching medication, but it will take weeks to kick in. Now that I am depressed, my fiance feels like he "can't handle me" and says that he "fell in love with a different person." Though it is true that I act like a different person while I am manic (bubbly, friendly and promiscuous), when I am depressed (irritable, mopey and tired), I am still the same person inside, with the same yearning for companionship. We were set to get married in a few months, but now I am having second thoughts. If he can't handle my depression for a few months, how could he manage for a number of years? Should I convince him (and myself) that my moods will get better and we will be happy someday, or call off the wedding for his sake? I feel that not marrying him will spare him years of heartache, but I don't know if that is just the depression talking. I have talked to my counselor about this, but she said it is a choice that I will have to make — that getting married is a huge step for anyone, and everyone has cold feet at some point. I'm not sure what to do. Your advice? — Temporarily in a Dark Place

Dear Temp: I have friends who suffer as you do, and I have real empathy for anyone living with a serious mood disorder. I disagree with your therapist, however, in one regard. I am not so sure it is a choice you have to make so much as a decision your fiance has to make. It is he, after all, who has said he has trouble living with your highs and lows. You have to have a real sit-down with him and ask him to think about all the ramifications.

If he doesn't do well now with your valleys, time will not help him do better. In a way, your fiance is in the same position as a longtime married man whose wife becomes ill. Some men handle it with devotion and understanding, others bolt. You are lucky to have the chance, before marriage, to confront this essential issue. This is not merely a matter of "cold feet," but a question of how your intended is emotionally equipped to process and respond to a grave mental health issue. — Margo, probingly

The Updated Version of "None of Your Beeswax"

Dear Margo: I live in a very small Southern town where it is practically law to marry young and have children almost immediately. My husband and I have been happily married for nearly four years and are very content without children. Everyone around us is getting pregnant, and everyone asks us, "When are you two going to have one?" We have tried saying that we are not ready, that we don't want them, and even that I can't have a child. Nothing seems to work, and they even become hostile when we tell them we don't want children. How do I tactfully tell people that we are not ready to have a child yet, and are happy being a family of two? — Mrs. D.

Dear Mrs.: I get the feeling, from what you write of your experiences, that in your little town, the tactful answer is ineffective. When that is the case, we go for directness — the close 'em down approach, if you will. The friendlier way would be what my mother always recommended: smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" If you're feeling frisky, you might try a dash of sarcasm, a la "We might consider it when the birth control pills run out." Anyone who keeps going beyond this deserves raised eyebrows and silence. — Margo, responsively

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2008 MARGO HOWARD

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