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What's Up with That? Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more. Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more. Good To Go Dear Margo: My father recently got a diagnosis of stage-four liver cancer. He is adamant that he wishes to die at home. In addition to needing information about how this can be arranged, I have now started thinking about my own health and wishes. I …Read more. To Be Drawn In or Not To Be Dear Margo: I'm a ninth grader at a small private school. I recently found out that someone who used to go to my school and is now at another school is smoking and dealing pot. When I found this out, I wondered if anyone at my school was doing this, …Read more.
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When Nothing Can Be Done, Do Nothing.

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Dear Margo: I am writing about my 24-year-old daughter, "Florence," who's in a four-year relationship I find extremely upsetting. I have spoken with her about my feelings, but I know I am powerless to change her mind. I have been so upset that I feel it has affected my health. (I have been a cancer patient for over two years.) Florence is beautiful, talented and intelligent. She could have just about any man she desired. The man with whom she is considering marriage cannot find full-time work in his field so he works part time, eking out just enough money to support himself, rather than finding work in another field to enable him to support a family someday. He is grossly overweight, as is his mother, so this genetic tendency could be passed along to his children. And ... he is not of our religion, which I feel could add difficulties to a marital relationship. I fear that Florence will "wake up and smell the coffee" too late, after marriage and children, and live an unhappy life. Granted, one cannot choose the mate for one's child, but I need advice on how to stop worrying so I can feel happier and, hopefully, healthier. — Worried Sick

Dear Wor: You know the words but not the music — something I think most of us experience at one time or another. You know Florence is going to do what she wants, you know you should disengage, but it's hard to watch what you view as a catastrophe and not make yourself heard. It is important for you to accept the fact that — for four years — beautiful, talented, intelligent Florence has been involved with a man you do not find promising, to put it mildly.

But I will tell you this: Florence knows he is fat, underemployed and of a different religion. It has so far not changed her mind. And realistically, it's never "too late" to undo from a mate who's proved to be the wrong one. (Don't ask me how I know this.) Since you can't control Florence, I wish for you the gift of acceptance. It is her life. I have always believed that we each get one go round (unless you're Shirley MacLaine) to do with as we choose. If you can adopt this way of thinking, I predict you will be happier and your health will improve. — Margo, beneficially

The Black Cat Is Optional

Dear Margo: Hello. My oldest stepson is getting married in the spring. I have checked etiquette sites, but found nothing that indicates what the wicked stepmother of the groom should wear. HELP ME! — Shelly

Dear Shel: Maybe a long black thing accessorized with a pointed black hat and a broom? I've actually never heard of anyone making a distinction between the stepmother of the bride or groom and the biological mother when it comes to wedding outfits. For your purposes, feel free to dress as though you were the mother of the groom. If you want to be a sport, you can check with the "other" mothers so you'll know their colors. I am guessing from the way you refer to yourself as the "wicked stepmother" that you, like I, have a warm relationship with the stepkids. Mine, in fact, call me "Wicky," an affectionate Britishism playing on the wicked stepmother theme. Have a lovely time at the wedding. — Margo, fashionably

***

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD

DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.


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2 Comments | Post Comment
Dear Margo:We need Help fast. My 30 year old stepdaughters' 50 year old live-in boyfriend sent us an email announcing their engagement, a pending trip to India for Silk, and wanting to know how much her dad was gonna give them for the wedding (of which no date is set). "…would it be 35%, 55% or 95%" he asks but gives no clue about expected total, but could we give it to them now. We have both been unemployed since Novemeber, my husband lost his job while we were trying to have a mobile home put on our property, and we have been living in a 5th wheel ever since. (this is May) It's is also implied that if we don't pay for the wedding we won't be invited. When he called his daughter was sleeping and wouldn't come to the phone. What would your advice be? Father/daughter relations have always been strained but this may take the wedding cake. Do we sell the farm to get invited to this wedding?
Homeless and then some,
Penny
Comment: #1
Posted by: Penny
Fri May 1, 2009 9:38 AM
Penny-
I know you asked for Margo's help, but since I'm here and she's not, here's what I think for what it's worth. If your stepdaughter and her fiance can make a trip to India, they can pay for a wedding. Futhermore, someone marrying after living independently together and well into adulthood should be paying for their own wedding anyway. No one is obligated to pay toward someone else's wedding, they do so because they are able, which you are not, and want to, which after this I personally wouldn't. He sounds like a boor, and I strongly suspect that the reason your stepdaughter was "sleeping" when your husband called was that her fiance knew she would be appalled to find out he was trying to roll her dad, so he didn't tell her Dad was on the phone. You should inform her of the situation ASAP, and if she does nothing or knows and doesn't care, that's her option, but I suggest that your and your husband's contribution to this wedding fit your name...and maybe throw at "Not A" on the front of it. If that means you're not invited so be it, as much as that hurts, because it shows you how much she wanted you there in the first place.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Nichole
Sat Oct 30, 2010 10:51 AM
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