Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

Dear Margo: I would like your perspective on this. When I was 12 years old, two older boys in my neighborhood molested me. (This happened in the early '70s.) I told my parents what happened, they confronted the boys, and they admitted what they had done. My parents owned a business in the neighborhood and decided that if they prosecuted the boys, they would lose the goodwill of the neighbors and the business would suffer. I was assured it was nothing to be upset about, that it has happened to almost everyone at some time in their life. It broke me. I was in and out of institutions until I was in my 30s. Thirty-five years have passed since I was molested, and I shake with rage when I think about it. Most people I have shared this with have told me I made too much out of it, that I'm weak for still being angry, and that this sort of thing is commonplace and nobody is upset by it. I'm angry and confused. It makes me feel that no matter what happens to me, I am worthless because I'm not worth defending. — Heartsick

Dear Heart: What utter ignorant nonsense that "this has happened to almost everyone at some time in their life." It certainly has not, and while it is now too prevalent, it is in no way "commonplace." You have shared your devastating experience with some strange (if not deranged) people. The first mistake, of course, was your parents' for not pursuing these vicious bullies. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that many in your situation — as it has come to see daylight — have been worth defending. Your calamity unfortunately happened too early, in terms of public response. I hope you will join a support group to feel better about yourself. You did nothing wrong, but a great wrong was done to you.

An Age-Old Mother/Daughter Problem

Dear Margo: I am a 30-year-old married career woman, pregnant with my first child. My problem is my mother. I could tell you a million stories, but the simplest way to convey the situation is to say that she treats me like a child. Since I got married, she has become unbearable, strongly voicing her opinion on every sensitive subject that comes up — where and when I should be married, changing my name, the health care my child should receive, and whether or not I should return to work after the baby.

I am fed up. I am an adult capable of making my own decisions. The flip side of this is that I'm an only child, and though I can't stand her, I realize she's my mother, and were I to tell her how I really feel (that I hate even hearing her voice, or dread seeing her at the hospital when I deliver my baby), it would break her heart. I also know she wishes to be included more in my life and wants a traditional mother/daughter relationship. Neither of these things is easy for me to consider, but for her sake, I know I have to. I need to assert myself in some way but am unsure how to do it. — Anxious

Dear Anx: Being an only child doesn't help the situation, but I think it can be managed. You must make the relationship more comfortable and less stressful, and I think there's a way to do it. Tell her, as gently as possible, that you are a grownup and would like her to offer opinions concerning your life only when asked. (You can blame it on hormones if you're feeling wimpy.) You will be retraining her, in a way, but it can be done. When she starts in telling you what to do, just say, "Mother — we had a deal." Happy baby. — Margo, assertively

***

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD

DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM