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Responding to Poor Judgment
Dear Margo: This past year has been amazing for me. I successfully passed my first semester in college with a 4.0 while juggling friends and a job. I have a very goal-oriented boyfriend who is compassionate to boot! We have a lot in common and …Read more.
If It's Something Dire, You Will Know About It
Dear Margo: My husband is an only child in his late 30s. My father-in-law is terribly selfish. We live several states away, and because he's the only blood relative left, my spouse does his best to keep in touch with his father. It is rarely …Read more.
What's Up with That?
Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more.
Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind
Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more.
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Some People Will Try Anything Once
Dear Margo: My stupid sister is a struggling single mother of three daughters, ages 10 to 14. She has been twice married and divorced. She just lost her business, and her home is in foreclosure.
Recently, she met a guy decorated with tattoos from top to bottom. After only one month of dating, she wants to marry him. I investigated and found out this man sent his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend to the E.R. from domestic violence. His four sons hate him, and I fear for my nieces. She wants me at her wedding, but I do not support her decision. She knows about his past and wants me to give him a chance. I love my sister, but I don't know what to do about the wedding. — Raquel
Dear Raq: Ordinarily, when a close friend or family member has a quandary about attending a wedding with a no-goodnik groom, I say that attendance is not an endorsement. It is one thing to feel someone you love has made a poor choice; it is quite another to show up when the, uh, fiance has been violent to the point of requiring the hospitalization of two women and has four sons who detest him. I would say your absence would be justified. It is pathetic that your sister is both hasty and deluded about the chances for a successful third marriage, but I feel sure you will have the opportunity to support her when the time comes. I am guessing it will be in the E.R. — Margo, forebodingly
A More Common Problem Than You'd Imagine
Dear Margo: I very much dislike my daughter, my middle child. From the moment the other two were born, I felt a motherly bond. I figured I'd feel it eventually with "Middle," but five years later, nothing. I do love her, but only because she's my child.
From the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed, she annoys me. She is a drama queen, a brat, sometimes a bully and a liar. She talks nonstop. If she's not talking, she's always making some sort of noise — singing, humming and such. It's so bad, I think she may have a condition of some kind. She doesn't listen or follow directions, and she fights with me about everything. She steals food from the kitchen and stashes it in her room — and not just candy and junk food, but whole loaves of bread, leftovers, whatever she can get to. Half the time, we don't notice it until we find it petrified and gross. If we're busy and she wants something, she will literally jump on us. The attention she demands is so draining that I want to lock myself in my room sometimes.
I make sure I give her one-on-one time every day. I make sure I tell her every day that I love her. I do everything to make sure she's never left out, and that things are even between my kids across the board. I've gone to therapy because I feel like a failure as a mother. She deserves to feel that I love her the same as I do my other two. I just can't seem to, and faking it is wearing me out. — At the End of my Tether
Dear At: The wrong person is in therapy. There is something abnormal about this child, and I would start with your pediatrician, reporting all the symptoms and requesting a cognitive/ behavioral/ psychological evaluation. Some kids just are annoying, but there is too much going on for this child to fall into that category. And you are not alone. There are parents who do not love their children, either because they are unplanned or unwanted, or sometimes because they're not very lovable. It is not a moral failing to feel as you do. Stop beating yourself up, and get busy finding some expert help. — Margo, therapeutically
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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22 Comments | Post Comment
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There isn't something abnormal about this child, the mother just isn't very convincing in her "faking it" and a child knows when they are not loved. Just the tone of her voice when talking to, or about, this child is probably very telling.
Yes, the child does need therapy, but more to help her learn to accept her mother for what she is.
The only thing that rings of truth in the letter is that the child deserves to feel love.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Sharon
Fri Mar 19, 2010 9:42 PM
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I applaud Margo's advice to LW #2. Except for the parts about the child being a brat and bully, this could have been about my own son when he was small. What he had was ADHD combined type (all symptoms you can imagine) + he later was diagnosed with GAD, generalized anxiety disorder. With professional treatment for him and some ADHD parenting workshops for me, things got much better. With my son, I loved him 1000% from birth, but only wondered what kicked him into high gear and left him there around age 3. Finding out made it easier to understand and help.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Bonnie
Sat Mar 20, 2010 6:06 AM
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LW2 - she may indeed be a brat, a bully, and a liar, but I can promise you that she knows you don't love her. All the "one on one" time in the world isn't going to change the look in your eye or the tone in your voice directed at her compared to her siblings that you love - and I guarantee she sees it.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sat Mar 20, 2010 8:08 AM
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There are some similarities between the little girl and my niece. My niece was a child the poem about the little girl with a curl could have been written about.
"There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead;
When she was good, she was very, very good,
And when she was bad she was horrid."
She continued to have problems for years and needed to be in special classes in school. Finally in her twenties, it was discovered that she had a problem in her brain because her skull had never properly closed and there was some kind of debris that had deposited in her brain. This had caused seizures in later childhood in addition to the behavior problems. She required brain surgery which rid her of the horrendous headaches she had also developed and, as far as I know, she no longer has seizures. Her personality has improved greatly. I'm not saying the little girl described by the lw has the SAME problem, only that there could be physical problems causing her behavior. Sure, she could be reacting to her mom not feeling the same love for her that she does for her other children, but it's certainly worth investigating as Margo suggests. To assume that her extreme behavior is simplly a reaction to her mom without checking for physical causes is just wrong. That child needs help.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Sat Mar 20, 2010 11:06 AM
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I agree with Sharon. Sure, the child may need diagnostic tests (and should get them!) But that mother is deluding herself if she feels that she is treating her daughter equally or giving her some one-on-one time. She resents her daughter and it is seething. Her daughter knows something is wrong. This could justify the other problems (hiding of food, bullying, etc.) They are all cries for attention. And since when is it called "stealing" when a member of the household takes food? She is FIVE. She will be in the house for over a decade and this mom needs to learn how to cope. You need to "fake it till you make it" no matter how exhausting it is for you. The correct person is in therapy, it just isn't working. Find a new therapist and be the mom that ALL of your kids deserve.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Tracy Dallmeyer
Sat Mar 20, 2010 11:41 AM
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I agree with Sharon. Sure, the child may need diagnostic tests (and should get them!) But that mother is deluding herself if she feels that she is treating her daughter equally or giving her some one-on-one time. She resents her daughter and it is seething. Her daughter knows something is wrong. This could justify the other problems (hiding of food, bullying, etc.) They are all cries for attention. And since when is it called "stealing" when a member of the household takes food? She is FIVE. She will be in the house for over a decade and this mom needs to learn how to cope. You need to "fake it till you make it" no matter how exhausting it is for you. The correct person is in therapy, it just isn't working. Find a new therapist and be the mom that ALL of your kids deserve.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Tracy Dallmeyer
Sat Mar 20, 2010 11:42 AM
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LW1: The most important thing you can do is to make sure those three young girls know they can call you any time, day or night, and you will come and get them. NO MATTER WHAT! Give them each a pre-paid calling card and make sure they keep them at hand. Tell them to run at the first sign of trouble. Tell them that they do NOT have to endure, suffer silently, or submit just to keep their family together. Your sister is an adult and is making her own choices. The girls have no choice. They're at risk of physical and possibly sexual violence. Open a dialogue with each of them and listen, listen, listen. They are going to need someone in their corner, and it's obviously not going to be their mother. My son-in-law had the same type of situation in his family. It resulted in his sister 's 3 attempted suicides and his own years of therapy for anger management. Your sister has her head up her hoo-hoo.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Trish
Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:51 PM
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LW2: I promise you that your daughter knows and this is her acting out. Children know when they're not loved and it shows. Never underestimate a child. My mother felt the same about me - and for the record, I was a very well behaved child - and my niece is in an identical situation. She acts out at home and I visited with her and sat down with her she explained exactly why. My sister-in-law had decided she has just about everything wrong with her that's possible when all my niece wants is positive attention. You made it clear you felt no bond from the get go and there's no way a new born child will be all these things your daughter is now. I'd bet a paycheck your other children make noise but don't feel chided. She's doing everything she can to get your attention, even the bad kind now. I feel for her. You convinced yourself there was no bond and it only went downhill from there. I hope your daughter has a good relationship with her father, my father was a lifeline. I'm curious if your other children are sons and if so that may also have something to do with your behavior towards her. Yeah, get her some therapy because she'll need it to move forward with her life and understand that she's a good little girl even if her mother doesn't love her. Save her because you couldn't save yourself.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Anathema
Sat Mar 20, 2010 10:38 PM
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The middle child frequently gets the shaft in a family. They are outshone by the older child who has already done it first and neglected by the needs of the younger child. The mother says she's never felt a bond, from birth. The child surely notices that her parent is emotionally distant and is acting out. Between to the 2 points, the entire family needs to be in therapy to heal this rift. Supernanny seems like a must in this situation.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Laurie
Sun Mar 21, 2010 5:30 PM
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LW2: Is this kid only 5 years old? That's a lot of labels (drama queen, a brat, a bully and a liar) for a 5 year old. it all sounds like a cry for attention. She might need more attention than she is getting. Maybe her 1st and 3rd kids are so well behaved that it makes the middle kid look bad when in reality the middle kis sounds like a normal kid that "might" benefit from a counselor but probably just needs her mom to start being a mom.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Steve
Mon Mar 22, 2010 8:29 AM
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The humming/singing could be some form of ADHD, even autism. The food could be part of your family views on food. If you're a regimented meals/snacks family and your child feels the need for more food, she might sneak it. Happened with my cousin because they were trying to control her weight by denying her food. It backfired.
But while child may need some diagnostic tests done and some therapy, it doesn't excuse anything that may be going on in the rest of the family dynamic. Mom should stay in therapy, if there are significant psychological issues with her chilld, she might be greatful to be in therapy with a trusted practioner as she learns to cope.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Mich
Mon Mar 22, 2010 11:07 AM
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I would have more sympathy for LW2 if she hadn't felt this was from the time her daughter was born. Of the newborn didn't have a personality problem, and though it's possible that the one kid she didn't feel as warmly towards also happened to develop behavioral problems, I feel like it's more likely that the middle child acts out in response to the mother's attitude. I wholeheartedly agree with Margo that the child should be in therapy, though-- she'll need it. I also agree with Margo that it's not a "moral failing" to have these feelings for her daughter, and that she should stop beating herself up and try to assess the situation realistically and do the best she can for all her kids. It's too bad she doesn't feel as warm towards her daughter, but she can't force herself to feel differently.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Jayne
Mon Mar 22, 2010 2:16 PM
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Poor kid. Five and her mom not only doesn't like her, she's piled a whole boatload of adult terms/attitudes onto her that I am sure have been shared with every other adult and no doubt the kid has heard it too.
FIVE???!!!! and she's"drama queen, a brat, sometimes a bully and a liar" Not that kids can't be those at all, but in this case Mom has surely inspired it with her own animosity towards the girl.
Totally deluded if she thinks her faking hasn't been seen through since before this child could even sit up unassisted.
Comment: #13
Posted by: moon
Tue Mar 23, 2010 8:19 AM
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I am absolutely shocked that you ladies told this mother that the wrong person was in therapy. Yes, the child's behavior is abnormal and justifiably needs to be looked into but perhaps it is the consequence of a parent-child relationship that is obviously strained and difficult. When a parent feels that way about a child and even specifically so: "From the moment the other two were born, I felt a motherly bond" there is bound to be a factor of jealousy in part of this poor young girl. I take it from the time frame given by this mother that the girl is 5. Most children even in the most loving supportive and involved households have periods of adjustment that may be described as bratty. Maybe 'drama queen' is simply crying out for the love and attention she knows she's not getting from mommy dearest and sees her older counterparts (her brothers) are receiving it instead. Please advise "End of my tether" to get some help...immediately. Perhaps family counseling is spot on.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Jenny
Tue Mar 23, 2010 9:03 AM
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I do digress. I was not replying to advice columnists of 'Dear Annie'. Instead, to Dear Margo.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Jenny
Tue Mar 23, 2010 9:09 AM
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I do digress. I incorrectly addressed the wrong columnists. I apologize for mistaking 'Dear Annie' (two writers) to one, whom is Dear Margo.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Jenny
Tue Mar 23, 2010 9:10 AM
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In my humble opinion, this case is not so one or the other. Probably the mother does need to continue therapy because living with a child with this many problems is stressful to say the least. However, I agree with Margo that these behaviors are "abnormal" and need to be addressed. I work in a profession where I deal with people who have behavior issues caused by, among many other causes, autism, Asperger's Syndrome (on the autism spectrum), ADHD, brain injury, birth injury. We also see clients who have developed negative behaviors for attention-getting and other self-rewards. It is entirely possible to help this child now, and the earlier the better. No matter what the family dynamic is, this child needs professional help RIGHT NOW.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Mary Jane Essex
Thu Mar 25, 2010 8:08 AM
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I disagree with everyone. Children are not physic. If she fakes it well enough, the child will never know she doesn't like her.
I know i spent 10 years preteding to like my stepson and to the day he compares me to his real parents telling them i was better than they were.
you don't have to love them but you do need to treat them right.
Comment: #18
Posted by: beanie
Thu Mar 25, 2010 10:58 AM
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That poor mother probably had post-partum depression with her second child. I'm so sad that so many of the posters here were so quick to jump in and say she was a horrible person because of how she feels. Mom probably needed help right away after her dauther was born, and the child certainly needs help now. Whether the daughter's need for help is a symptom of mom's problems or something organic is something only someone QUALIFIED who has actually MET her can determine.
Post Partum depresstion is the the single most common complication of birth. It's also under-diagnosed because a lot of moms don't speak up out of shame. I think attitudes like these make it harder for women to get the help they need.
Comment: #19
Posted by: JustAMommy
Fri Mar 26, 2010 2:42 PM
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Thank you, beanie and JustAMommy for showing some compassion and common sense. It's a myth that children can "tell" when you're faking it and don't really like them much. If this were true, no children would be kidnapped or lured into terrible situations by adults for perverse reasons, since they would "sense" something wrong. This often happens with adults they've known and trusted for years, I might add. The writer is beating herself up enough without people here adding a few hard kicks of their own to her head. It sounds like both she and her child could use some counseling.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Emmi331
Sun Mar 28, 2010 3:52 PM
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LW1 : That lady's sister is indeed a selfish idiot who obviously doesn't care about her daughters well-being, only about her own happiness. However, she should keep in contact with those girls, because they will undoubtedly need her help one day when their mother is beat up.
LW 2: I am a mother of one and cannot possibly understand how you could dislike your child so much. I gotta say, being a mom is very draining, but to call her so many name and say she annoys you so much that you want to hide from her? Well, I think the correct person is in therapy! You! I do NOT feel any compassion for you because I am so sick of hearing from my friends that they need prozac or zoloft just to get through a day spent taking care of their children. I understand people have legitimate, psychological issues, but what is this world coming to when you can't get your shit together on your own and need to be constantly medicated just to be able to care for the children YOU CHOSE to bring into this world! Suck it up and stick to the therapy, because you obviously need it.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Rebecca
Mon Mar 29, 2010 10:33 PM
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First letter and Comment #21: I disagree with Margo's saying she should stay away from the wedding. She should go and keep close tabs on both her sister and all of her nieces as time goes forward. If she alienates her sister, she won't have access to the family as much. If this guy starts abusing them, it'll probably be lighter fare at first and she won't hear about these early warning signs unless she keeps that trust and that relationship.
In the meantime she should spend quality time with her nieces and start teaching them about respecting themselves and recognizing abusive vs loving behaviors. Try not to be too obvious or heavy handed with the preaching though. You don't want this guy to catch on.
If it were me, I'd be friendly to him, too, but I'd also let him know which behaviors I considered unacceptable towards myself at any rate. Label the behavior, not the person. If I were in his house I might not correct him as much except towards myself, but if he were in my house and he swore at his stepdaughters I would correct him there as well by saying "We don't do that here". Be direct but calm and NOT APOLOGETIC.
If I saw or heard about something that seemed dangerous - bruises or tale of some alarming incident - I'd advise her sister that SHE could face legal troubles for child neglect, and point out the evidence, and describe very exactly how child protective services would view it, rather than confronting her husband directly. I might even work with a professional therapist myself to learn effective strategies for interventions. And I'd take self-defense training in case he started in on ME.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Red Ree
Wed Apr 7, 2010 12:41 PM
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