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What's Up with That?
Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more.
Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind
Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more.
Good To Go
Dear Margo: My father recently got a diagnosis of stage-four liver cancer. He is adamant that he wishes to die at home. In addition to needing information about how this can be arranged, I have now started thinking about my own health and wishes. I …Read more.
To Be Drawn In or Not To Be
Dear Margo: I'm a ninth grader at a small private school. I recently found out that someone who used to go to my school and is now at another school is smoking and dealing pot. When I found this out, I wondered if anyone at my school was doing this, …Read more.
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Sick of the Tall Remarks
Dear Margo: My daughter is 8 years old and probably 4 inches taller than girls her age. She also has large feet. We have lived in Indiana, Michigan and now Wisconsin and still get the rude comments about how tall my daughter is. One neighbor, when he first saw her, said he thought she was 10 or 11, and said it in front of her! I suggested she tell people she likes being tall, but I can see that the remarks bother her. We were at a birthday party and the mother of the birthday girl kept telling me how tall my daughter was and how tall I was, as if we didn't know. Another woman at this party said, "Wow, you must have a hard time with sizes." When we lived in Michigan, there were two queen-bee types who went on and on about how tall my daughter was to other women at a school function, which I took as an attempt to make my daughter out to be different. One of them even focused on her feet, her shoe size probably being larger than kids her age. How do I get the rude tall remarks to stop? Any good comebacks so people know they are being rude or out of line? — Tired of Hearing It
Dear Tired: One can never stop rude remarks, and ever was it thus. People always say dumb things without thinking. (I know I have.) As for the height and large feet, that's how people described Jackie O. I would kill to be tall, but I do understand it's hard on little girls when they feel "different" from the girls in their class. I would try showing your daughter fashion magazines where most of the models are tall. And since you, yourself, are tall, you can tell her you've always regarded it as a plus. Explain that most of the girls will catch up, and her growth spurt may be happening early. As for a comeback, try, "I know that being short is difficult, but I'm sure your daughter will grow." — Margo, sassily
The Departure of Desire
Dear Margo: I am a 24-year-old woman, married for three years. I love my husband, and we have two young children. We are pretty happy, though not exceptionally so, but we hardly ever have sex. There is nothing wrong with my husband; actually, he would like it to be every day. I find myself thinking about other men and wondering what it would be like to be "together." I even think about having affairs, although I don't think I could bring myself to do it. I think about one day being divorced. I just don't feel very attracted to him. Before we got married, our sex life was great. After the birth of our first child, it was pretty good again. Then after my second child, it became nonexistent. When we do have sex, I just go along with it so he'll stop asking for a few days. I feel bad for him and am afraid he might find somebody else to give him satisfaction. I just don't know what to do. Counseling is an obvious choice, but we have no insurance. I feel like my marriage will end if this does not change. Advice? — No Libido
Dear No: Something has turned you off your husband and you need to find out what it is. First, hunt down the institutions in your area that offer free mental health care. There are also books that deal with your problem, as well as online support groups. Peer counseling can be surprisingly effective. You haven't been married long enough for sex to be old hat, so something else is going on. (Maybe caring for two little kids?) My feeling is that if it was good once, it can be good again. — Margo, optimistically
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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8 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 - Your daughter is tall. She looks like she is 10 or 11, so people THINK she is 10 or 11. Somebody said in front of her that they thought she was older than she is? Oh my GAWD! How could they? (Just being sarcastic here). Lady, you need to lighten up. It may be rude to tell a 30-year-old woman, "I thought you were 45 because you look it," but it is not rude to tell an 8-year-old kid, "I thought you were 10 because you look it." Kids don't mind being taken for being older than they are. These people are complimenting your daughter. In our culture, tall is good, tall is considered beautiful and desirable. It may be annoying to you because you have heard it a million times, but it is not rude.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Ariana
Thu Aug 6, 2009 9:23 PM
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At 5' 10" I have gotten my share of the same comments, I was always the only girl in the back row of the class picture, and I do have trouble finding sleeves and pants that are long enough. Get a sense of humor, look at the comments as a way to make conversation, and show people you are comfortable with yourself. For the comments about clothes, say you have found a few stores and catalogs that carry tall sizes. If they remark how tall you are, say it is great not to need a step stool to get stuff off the top shelf, or get that spider on the ceiling. If they comment about basketball, I tell them the truth, I tripped over the foul line too often to make it off the bench very much. Granted, there are some people in this world who will find something that bothers you and use it as often as they can. I don't think they are worth the energy it takes to be bothered by it.
Comment: #2
Posted by: GG
Fri Aug 7, 2009 9:32 AM
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If it were me, I'd be tempted to say something like "yeah, we considered getting her cut off at the knees but we decided we like her this way." I agree with Ariana -- for the most part, these people are not being rude, they are being conversational. It starts at birth ("oh, look how big he is!") and carries on until the child or the parent gives them something else to talk about (I saw your picture in the yearbook -- how do you like being in the chess club?). My daughter was very small as a child, but very pretty. I can't count how many times I heard things like "you're going to have to beat the boys off with a stick" and similar comments. It's just conversation -- another way of acknowledging the child as a distinct individual. Think about this: how would you like to have people say "I see you have a child" and say no more? How would you feel if your child was not acknowledged at all?
When someone comments on your child's appearance in any way at all, just smile, hug the child and say "Thanks, we're very proud of her."
Comment: #3
Posted by: Lynn
Sat Aug 8, 2009 2:57 AM
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I think part of the problem regarding the tall daughter is that people talk about it way too much. When I was growing up, people tended to put too much focus on people being tall. I think it's more important to focus on positive personality traits. Who cares if a person is tall or not? It's the personality that counts!
Comment: #4
Posted by: Paul
Sat Aug 8, 2009 11:01 PM
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Being short for her age would be far worse, in my opinion. Then the parent would be left wondering if her daughter will ever catch up to her classmates. I'm 6' 5" and my girlfriend is 5' 10" or so. We have every expectation that our first daughter would be an exceptionally tall girl, and perhaps so early on since girls tend to mature a few years earlier. Believe me, lady, this will be an asset when your daughter is 15 instead of 8.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Matt
Sun Aug 9, 2009 10:27 PM
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I agree with Margo about the tall issue except for one thing: women in magazines are not just tall, they are way too skinny. This could lead the daughter to think this is a good thing and something to achieve since she has the height already. Instead, she should tell her daughter that different people grow at different times and sometimes, not at all. Imagine if she had dwarfism and could not grow beyond 3 or 4 feet? How would comments about her height make you feel then? There is nothing wrong with being tall or short, as long as your child is healthy and has a good self-esteem, that is what matters most.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Marie-Claude
Mon Aug 10, 2009 1:25 PM
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Oh I sincerely hope that Mom reads what I have to say. I am 5' tall and had my daughter with a 6'2" long legged guy. All the time while she was growing up , she too was always thought to be older. She was taller and had the biggest feet. We ALWAYS told those rude types and Queen Bee types, with a wide smile on our faces, that she was our SUPERMODEL, which of course made them feel inferior about their tiny daughters. I would go on and on about how she will have that legs I always begged God to give me and also about how she reaches everything in the cabinets I cannot. I aways made sure to tell my daughter how beautiful she is and in fact did give her fashion magazines to look at. She excelled in ballet and has danced in numerous Nutcrackers over the years. This year she went to her Jr. Prom as she just turned 17 and is 5'9" tall and wearing a size 9 shoe. At the time of trying on her gown for her fitting, she came out of the dressing room being the tallest girl surrounded by teeny girls. Well, let me tell you how annoyed the Mom's all were to have to be told that their alterations would be around $120.00, and when my SUPERMODEL was only pinned in at the bust a bit, she was told her alterations were $25.00, which sent the queen bees into a fit! I simply said aloud "AH, that what good genetics and tall men get you" and secretly enjoyed all the years of payback while watching a few of these moms who were arguing about the cost (mind you the gowns themselves already were about $400.00 each) being told how it was because their daughters dresses had to be practicaly re-made to fit such tiny size 2 short girls, while my SUPERMODEL can wear anything off the rack and the lengh fits perfectly!!! We left there and she was beaming because unbeknownst to me, some of those girls were rude to her in the dressing rooms. I cannot tell you how my daughters self esteem was soooo bousted because the seamstress even referred to my daughter as a PERFECT FIT in comparison to their daughters. It was incredible to have my daughter hear it form someone other then her Mom, which made her BEAM all the way home while she texted all her freinds and her Grammy, who is shorter then me! Three Cheers to the Tall Beauties, I say! I wish I could post her picture of her in her gown for that Mom to see!
Comment: #7
Posted by: Deena
Tue Aug 11, 2009 6:34 AM
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I realize that LW1 cannot change what people say about her daughter. But I also think that we need to be careful how we talk about children within their hearing. I was really tall for my age growing up and I hated it. I already felt like I didn't fit in because I had different interests than the other kids, and to top it off, I was tall, skinny, and was the only kid in my class with curly hair, which, at the time, I had no idea how to properly style. And when people pointed out that I was tall, all I could think was, "thanks for reminding me!" I don't think most people even realized it was a sensitive point for me. But I think most boys who are smaller than average and most girls who are bigger than average really don't want that pointed out to them.
If you must comment on a child's appearance, comment on something they do have some control over, like having a cute hairdo. Or comment on something that most children wouldn't be sensitive about, like their beautiful eyes. When I was 12, a lady told me I looked like a fairy tale princess. That made my day.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Cheryl
Thu Aug 20, 2009 7:59 AM
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