Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

Dear Margo: For a few years now, my marriage has been very lonely, and my spouse is difficult in the best of times. I admit: I was looking for a thrill and had an affair with a married man who had similar marriage woes. To my utter shock and dismay, I've found that this man is completely perfect for me and we connect on all levels. We've fallen deeply in love and have developed an incredible friendship.

I know people scoff at this type of thing, and I frankly never thought such a thing could happen. We are generally sane, responsible people, though, and agreed not to break up our families; we will tolerate our disappointing spouses in order to give our children the best possible future. We've taken the difficult step of giving up most of our relationship together and now just send e-mails because we both still need the lifeline. But honestly, I am devastated. I don't know how to break such bonds of love and friendship. I am living with one man and loving and missing another. I am slowly falling apart inside and running out of reasons to explain my sadness and depression to those around me. I don't know what to do. — Grieving

Dear Grieve: I only give you this advice because I have lived it and I believe in it. Although I never left one man for another, I think life is too short to be trapped in a marriage that is the polar opposite of fulfilling. Yes, divorce takes a toll on children, but so does a sad and depressed mother. I don't know whether the man of your dreams is willing to leave his family, but if he is, I would suggest you go ahead and remake your lives. If he will not (which is more often than not the case), I recommend that you sever all ties and see a counselor about outmaneuvering the depression. Then, too, children grow up.

Calling All Lovelorn!

Dear Readers: I've never tried anything like this before, but the request below strikes me as worthwhile. I believe in studies, and honestly, who better than my audience for this particular subject? So if you think you have something to add, be my guest.

Dear Margo: I am a psychology Ph.D. student and am currently undertaking a research project on how people process and are affected by hurtful events. This includes factors such as how long people hold on to hurt feelings; how the importance of the relationship and type of event affect the intensity of the hurt; and what other emotions they tend to experience at the same time as the hurt.

I am currently in an important phase of my research, that of data collection, and I am finding it difficult to meet my required participant numbers. Given that this is a topic that you and your readers know first-hand, I was wondering whether I could ask for your help in completing my data collection, which takes the form of two questionnaires that can be completed online. Participants are welcome to complete one or both of the questionnaires. Participants need to be 18 years or older and currently involved in a romantic relationship to be eligible. More details about the project and the questionnaires, as well as links to the questionnaires themselves, can be found at www.hurtlab.com.

Some preliminary results from this project were published in a number of media outlets late last year, but there are many more interesting findings that will come out of this research. However, I won't be able to investigate these without sufficient participant numbers. Thank you very much for your time. I greatly appreciate it. — Jodie Burchell in Australia

***

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD

DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM