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What's Up with That?
Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more.
Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind
Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more.
Good To Go
Dear Margo: My father recently got a diagnosis of stage-four liver cancer. He is adamant that he wishes to die at home. In addition to needing information about how this can be arranged, I have now started thinking about my own health and wishes. I …Read more.
To Be Drawn In or Not To Be
Dear Margo: I'm a ninth grader at a small private school. I recently found out that someone who used to go to my school and is now at another school is smoking and dealing pot. When I found this out, I wondered if anyone at my school was doing this, …Read more.
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Religious Fanatics on the Lunatic Fringe
Dear Margo: Our daughter started college a year ago, and we've noticed during her visits home that she's not the sweet, innocent girl we sent away for higher learning. We raised her with strong Christian beliefs, but lately she's saying that she's joined an atheist club on campus and is questioning everything we taught her. Now my husband refuses to let her in the house and is threatening to turn her in to the FBI. I've tried to cure our daughter and reconcile with her, but nothing seems to work. I've prayed over her at night while she sleeps, enlisted friends in a phone prayer tree and even spoken to my priest about the possibility of an exorcism. I'm at my wits' end. How can I recover my daughter and keep her from hell? — God-fearing
Dear God: Whoa, dear. While I am sympathetic to anyone's devotion to their religion, you need to realize that your daughter is a sentient being with the right to reject your religious views if she so chooses. Your husband is pathetically misguided if he thinks he can call the FBI to report the "crime" of your daughter joining an atheists club. Ditto for the exorcism. This young woman is not possessed, demonic or doing weird things; she is merely thinking and questioning the religion she grew up with. I would encourage you to understand that all people, your daughter included, have the right to think for themselves, particularly about something as meaningful as religion. As for hell, well, she appears willing to take her chances. — Margo, contemplatively
When the In-Laws Think They're All Cordon Bleu Graduates
Dear Margo: I am devastated. My in-laws, without saying so, think I'm a lousy cook. Each time I invite them to dinner, my husband's aunt and mother decide they have to come over and "help" me. At first I found this a lovely gesture, until I realized their "help" meant them taking over. I put two and two together and came to the conclusion that I must be a lousy cook. I asked my family to be honest, and they insisted that my cooking was very good. I decided to make dinner ahead of time. My in-laws barely touched their food. Some said they weren't too hungry, others had "eaten before," all said it was "just wonderful." I decided to conduct an experiment. My sister-in-law reluctantly agreed to help me. I cooked a meal at my house, went to her house with the food an hour before the guests were to arrive, and it looked like she had cooked the dinner. The guests had seconds and thirds and raved about how delicious everything was. Now what should I do? — "Burnt" in Philly
Dear Burn: I think this is hysterical, and you should, too. For whatever reason, the in-laws want to think you can't cook. Maybe they are nuts. As close as I can come to helping you understand what is going on is to remember an episode from my junior year in high school. I had been taking Latin for three years, and our class had to write one composition per semester (in Latin). All my submissions earned a C. I became curious about whether our teacher had simply decided I was a C student (no blonde jokes, please), so I asked Roy Sonderling, the reigning genius in the class, if he would write two papers and let one of them be mine. He said fine ... and, in fact, he said he'd give me the better one. Well, I handed it in and it came back with a C. (His, of course, got an A.) So I would take it in stride, my dear. For whatever reason, they've put you in the "can't cook" slot. I recommend that, in the future, whenever the in-laws come to your house, let them "help" and just think of them as caterers. Then relax and take it easy. — Margo, attitudinally
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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11 Comments | Post Comment
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I think the letter from God-fearing is a hoax. She claims her husband won't let her atheist daughter in the house. Then she says she prays over her daughter while she sleeps. Where is the daughter sleeping if dad won't let her in the house?
Comment: #1
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Sat May 23, 2009 4:36 AM
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This is in response to the daughter whose in-laws think she's a terrible cook. Could it be hygiene? Maybe you are a good cook but is your kitchen clean? Do you lick your fingers or utensils as you cook? Are you sure your hands are washed? It could be that they are not turned off by the way the food tastes, but maybe by the way the food is prepared....?
Comment: #2
Posted by: ALN
Sat May 23, 2009 8:14 AM
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I don't think LW1 is a hoax. THere are a lot of such extremists out there. Such people are so narrow-minded and closed off to the world that they see only what they want to see, and think everyone but themselves are going to hell. And what does the dad think the FBI is going to do? Can you imagine, the FBI would laugh in his face, when he calls and says "Hello, Federal Bureau of Investigation? I know you're busy trying to find terrorists and murderers, but can you help me babysit my adult daughter?"
Even if this daughter had moved to a different form of Christianity the parents would be equally as closed-minded. The moral is, when you shove religion down someone's throat, they eventually reject it altogether.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Kitty
Sat May 23, 2009 8:52 AM
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Re: Kitty
I am with you, Kitty. I think the title of the column - Religious Fanatics on the Lunatic Fringe - is a very apt one. But it still could be a fake (apropos Sarah Stravinska's post). Why would somebody like the LW write to Margo? I mean, don't they read Margo? She has shown time after time that she is very open-minded. Judging by LW1's letter, she and her husband would decide that Margo herself is going to hell - with views like hers. It's like writing to Dan Savage to try to get him to condemn gay people as satanic abominations.
Re: LW2
My in-laws are like that, and my kitchen is A LOT cleaner than theirs. The unfortunate circumstances that contributed to their poor impression of my cooking were that twice I cooked at their house. Both times I screwed up. The first time, I made chicken and it came out too dry. I kept it in the oven a bit too long. The second time, my husband badgered me into cooking something he enjoys, but I knew my in-laws would hate, and they did. Well, I take it in stride. When they visit, we go out to eat. They pay, so I don't complain. If we can't go out (e.g. on Christmas), I order the meals from a local grocery store. They do a great job. I pick up the whole thing the night before the holiday meal or that morning, if it is possible. I also cook something myself and add it to the ordered meal without telling MIL and FIL. My advice to LW2 would be to either bite the bullet and let them "help" (if she likes everything else about her in-laws) or stop offering them any food in her house. She can be polite about it. She need not offer any food, and if they ask, she can state that she had noticed they weren't hungry on the previous occasions, so she decided not to cook this time, as she is averse to wasting food, but they are fee to forage in her fridge.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Ariana
Sat May 23, 2009 10:28 AM
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Re: sarah stravinska --- My first impression was that the letter is a hoax partly for the same reason you gave. The other reason is why would an extremely religious person write to Margo of all people for advice. I've never had the impression that Margo is particularly religious or even knows much about the Bible. Isn't she the one who referred to Methusaleh as some kind of myth and made some other comments that were Biblically incorrect? So then a deeply religious person is going to ask for HER advice rather than talk to her minister? That was ONE line of thought that I had. ----------- Then I thought in regard to her writing Margo, she may have already gone to all her usual sources of help and decided to ask someone who has an entirely different view of life thinking nothing else had worked. Perhaps she felt her minister would side with her husband and just write the daughter off without giving much constructive advice. But I agree with Ariana that the fanatical parents would likely think Margo herself is going to hell. But maybe the mom is at her wit's end and is trying even far-fetched sources of help. ----- I would add that the daughter probably is not rebelling against God and religion so much as rebelling against her parent's kind of religion. She probably had such a strict upbringing that she had no room to breathe - could never have a thought of her own that differed from her parents' view. As a substitute teacher, I've actually seen children of such religiously strict parents. These kids often look like the sweet young things their parents believe they are - modest clothing, neat hair, etc. But often their behavior is rebellious and their mouths spout vulgar expressions. My advice for the lw and her husband is for them to lighten up and treat their daughter with love and consideration. If they keep going in the direction the father would like, they'll alienate this girl forever. The lw should be asking how she can get her husband to lighten up. I believe he is the one who actually made his daughter reject his teachings.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Sat May 23, 2009 7:49 PM
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It would be a cold day in hades before I invited such ill-mannered jerks- in laws or not- to my house for dinner again.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Jennifer
Sun May 24, 2009 12:01 AM
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Hi Margo, regarding "Burnt in Philly," I don't think she wants the MIL and hubby's aunt taking over her kitchen. It's not something she can laugh off and use them as unpaid caterers. The writer wants HER kitchen creations to receive the praise they deserve, NOT the dishes made by MIL or aunt. I think she has to face them with it. Next time they come to dinner at her house, she should mention the delicious dinner at SIL's that they all raved about, admit that she cooked it, and then ask them what -- if anything -- they have against HER cooking.
It could be something as simple as their having a pet dog or cat in the home. I love pets and have met people who flinch at the thought of a cat hair wafting in the breeze and landing in something cooking.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Bonnie Simpson
Sun May 24, 2009 2:25 PM
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Re: Bonnie Simpson -- Ah, yes. A cat hair. Wouldn't the cat hair have been floating in the air when the in-laws "helped" prepare food in that very same kitchen? But all the same, it could be something to do with hygiene and cleanliness of the cooking area that's a turn off to the in-laws. Perhaps, as ALN suggested, the lw licks her fingers or her utensils as she cooks. It is a turn off to see the cook taste something and then put that same utensil back in the pot for another taste. Perhaps she doesn't wash her hands before handling the food and utensils. Is the kitchen and especially the food prep areas clean? Perhaps she could have them over for one more meal and then just sit back and actually take note of how they do things. Are they cleaning the area before they start? Are they tasting food and putting the utensil back into the pot or bowl? What do they do differently from her? If she still doesn't get a clue, she should just come out and ask them as you suggest.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Sun May 24, 2009 6:08 PM
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Re: Kitty. Wow. Someone seems to have a bit of an agenda here. That's what I always think when I see the words "shove religion down someone's throat." It smacks of bigotry, frankly. Hate to break it to you, but parents have a right (and a responsibility) to impart religious instruction to their kids, who by definition don't have the capacity to think for themselves. When the children reach adulthood, then they gain the right to make their own decisions, including this one. I suspect that the daughter is probably in a state of rebellion and may come around eventually. (If not, it is the daughter's loss, and God will not hold this LW responsible. The parent did her job.) A lot of people question their most deeply-held views when they go away to college; that's what this time in life is for actually. I ran into many people in college who hailed from the opposite situation...someone had spent an entire childhood having atheism "shoved down their throat," only to accept Jesus and become a Christian in the early adult years. Happens in both directions.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Matt
Sun May 24, 2009 11:33 PM
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Actually, I do not think it is the duty of parents to force religious instruction on their children. It was expected that I would attend church when I was a child. I quit going at the age of 9. I couldn't justify it. Yes, I was a very intelligent child who read and comprehended at college level by third grade. Frankly, the story of Jesus' death horrified me, while the myth of the resurrection struck me as ridiculous. I had seen dead things, and I knew what happened to them. Also, I was well aware that millions of people followed different religions. How could any one group possibly prove that they were right? I read the Christian Bible...twice. All the way through. Which is more than I can say for many Christians. It seemed to be on about the same level as the Greco-Roman myths I was so fond of, nothing more.
Now, I am an agnostic and my husband is an atheist (please, someone send the the FBI after him, he'd love it). My 18 year old attends a Methodist church w/ my ex-in-laws, where he has learned quite a lot of intolerance and bigotry. My youngest, 12, believes in reincarnation (not sure where he got the idea, but he's really very sensible about it). The point being that religion, belief and faith ought never to be jammed down anyone's throats, children or otherwise. My 12 year old is a polite, loving, caring child who is more than welcome in everyone's homes. He has lots of friends and does not distinguish between them by race or creed. If the mother in the OP was not "hoaxing", she needs to leave her daughter alone. Period. Exorcism indeed. What crap.
Love you Margo.
Comment: #10
Posted by: lengeft
Tue May 26, 2009 2:04 PM
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Re: ALN
That is exactly what I was thinking! Maybe that's even why the sister-in-law was "reluctant" to have "Burnt" in her own kitchen.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Dene
Wed May 27, 2009 12:23 PM
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