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Responding to Poor Judgment
Dear Margo: This past year has been amazing for me. I successfully passed my first semester in college with a 4.0 while juggling friends and a job. I have a very goal-oriented boyfriend who is compassionate to boot! We have a lot in common and …Read more.
If It's Something Dire, You Will Know About It
Dear Margo: My husband is an only child in his late 30s. My father-in-law is terribly selfish. We live several states away, and because he's the only blood relative left, my spouse does his best to keep in touch with his father. It is rarely …Read more.
What's Up with That?
Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more.
Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind
Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more.
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Putting the Lid on Favoritism
Dear Margo: My grandmother has some deep-seated psychological issues when it comes to her children. Aunt No. 1 she is practically obsessed with. We're constantly hearing about her and her kids. With the other one, Aunt No. 2, it's basically complaints and really rude behavior toward her. My mother is somewhere in the middle in terms of how much my grandmother likes each of her children.
Every year, my family makes a very long trip to visit her. When we get there, all we hear from my grandmother is how much she wishes Aunt No. 1 would come. Clearly, the reason she isn't coming is because we're there. Also, there are some distinct differences in the way she treats Aunt No. 1's children and how she treats us. The older grandchildren are constantly bombarded with accusations of not loving Aunt No. 1 and her children. Frankly, it's a really stressful situation, and everyone is always walking on eggshells when the whole family is together. And ... Aunt No. 1's kids are not very likable children. I know they're my cousins, but I cannot deal with them. To give you a glimpse of the situation: My grandmother gets angry with me and my other two siblings because we stick up for our younger brother when Aunt No. 1's kids are harassing him. It is close to psychological torment whenever we go on this so-called "vacation." I'm also sick of my mother never saying anything. I think they all need to go to a therapist. What can we do to not let my grandmother's insensitive behavior get to us? — So-Over-It Granddaughter
Dear So: What can you do? Stay home and invite your mother to do the same. Granny has a screw loose and no common sense at all. I am not being flip with this short answer. Everything you need to know is in my first three sentences. — Margo, therapeutically
Surprise!
Dear Margo: I've been living with my boyfriend for a year, and by all accounts, I would say he's someone I could be with for the long haul. Neither of us is keen on having children. I have always worried that children would interfere with my career and tie me down too much. I'm building a career as a professional musician and working at becoming a part-time university instructor on the music faculty. Having said this, I have no guarantee I will always feel this way. I know it's common to change your mind about such things.
My boyfriend announced he is going to get a vasectomy. This was decided without ever asking how I felt about it. I think he assumes that because I don't want to have kids right now, this is something he should do. The thing is: How can I be sure? How can anyone be sure that they will always feel the way they currently do? I would never want to do anything so drastic because you never know what the future will bring. He is having a hard time understanding where I'm coming from and doesn't seem to understand why I at least should have been consulted about this. At the moment, I just don't know what to think. I don't know why it bothers me so. — Music-Minded in the UK
Dear Mus: I suspect his unilateral decision bothers you because it was, well, unilateral. From his point of view, however, it likely was meant as a supportive gesture. As for people being certain they will always feel the same way, forget about that one; time and circumstance can be great game-changers. And vasectomies are often reversible — which may be the bottom-line answer to your problem. — Margo, alternatively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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9 Comments | Post Comment
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Vasectomies are not that reversible. 30% rate in the first three years and then it goes down, so this is not good advice that vasectomies are reversible. My husband had one this year and that was the stastistics the doctor quoted us, Basically vasectomies mean no more children ever.
Comment: #1
Posted by: becky
Fri Jan 29, 2010 10:15 PM
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Becky is right. While sterilization procedures (vasectomy, tubal ligation) can occasionally be reversed with some success, they are intended to be permanent and most of the time, they are. You should never undergo either procedure assuming that it can be reversed at some point in the future.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Jeanne
Fri Jan 29, 2010 11:48 PM
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MMiUK shouldn't go into it thinking the vasectomy can be reversed. They aren't meant to be. She needs to tell her boyfriend what she told you. He needs to be aware that at some point she may change her mind about children and that could lead to a permanent break up. If he feels strongly enough about not having children then that may not matter to him. If he's just doing it for convenience, then he may change his mind. But the reality is that his choice to have children or not isn't her decision. She has to make her decisions based on what he chooses to do.
Been there, done that. Me? I left. I knew that I wanted children in my future at some point. I just didn't want them then. He didn't want them at all. There isn't a compromise to that issue.
Comment: #3
Posted by: araminta
Sat Jan 30, 2010 3:45 AM
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Margo sadly blew it on the vasectomy couple... The woman, yes, is a fence-sitter regarding reproduction; the things she's concerned about might very well change. It sounds like her BF is childfree, though -- part of the large population that knows, whether they can articulate why or not, that parenting isn't something they ever have or ever will want to do. Very few people of that kind regrets their preference or changes their mind, just like few parents do.
Margo should have pointed out that the woman needs to first talk to her BF about *why* he feels that way, and find out whether he's a fence-sitter or childfree... If he's childfree, then she needs to ask herself *how* important having a kid would be, if she changes her mind. If it's so incredibly important that she'd leave him over it, then she should go NOW to be with someone that she can love more & that shares her long-term preferences.
I have to wonder whether Margo would have responded differently if the genders had been reversed. I'd sure be creeped out if a guy I was dating claimed that I should get his agreement before doing anything with *my* reproductive organs to avoid an unwanted pregnancy...
Comment: #4
Posted by: Xyzzy
Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:12 AM
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There is a third alternative here. If the young man believes that having a vasectomy will assure that the young woman will not have an unwanted child at an "inconvenient" time but, like her, believes that there may be a time in the future when they will both want children, he can have some of his sperm frozen and preserved at a fertility clinic prior to his vasectomy. Here, however, the issue really seems to be one of lack of communication. No one is a mindreader. These two need to have a heart-to-heart about their positions on children and on how permanent they believe those positions might be. Then, each must make his or her own decision about his or her own body. That may or may not be a deal-breaker, but certainly lack of communication can well become one over time. Better they learn to be open and wholly trusting with one another now.
Comment: #5
Posted by: graham072442
Sat Jan 30, 2010 6:40 AM
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The two of them are not married and yet and what he does with his body is business. She needs to seriously consider what kind of person she wants to be married to. Maybe she doesn't want to be married to a man she knows is sterile. That's her decision. If she marries him, she should accept the package as it is and not expect it to change somewhere down the line after she's got the ring on her finger. He can change and people do change. Who knows that in ten years or so, his biological alarm clock might start ringing? But again, she shouldn't go into the marriage expecting that. Oh, and just because he's sterile, doesn't mean she can't get pregnant. There are fertility options available. Those two need to talk. If he doesn't want kids EVER and she just doesn't want kids right now but she may sometime in the future- that could be a deal breaker for whether or not these two should get married. She should sometime in the future pressure him to have children if that's not what he wants. He has been upfront from the beginning about his feelings on having kids. Her only decision is whether or not she wants to live with that for the REST of her life.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Irene Hollimon
Sat Jan 30, 2010 8:35 AM
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Excuse me? Why on Earth does Music think that she has a say about her boyfriend's vasectomy? His body, his choice, and none of her damn business! Though he should tell his girlfriend when he has the procedure done (so that she can look for someone else if she decides she does want children in the future), it is not something he should have to discuss with her. He made the decision to live childfree, and it's up to her if she wants to stay with him or not.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Miss Q
Tue Feb 2, 2010 2:35 AM
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I'm surprised no one has commented on "So-Over It Granddaughter," because Margo really blew it on this one. Not sure of the writer's age, but I'm betting this is not an adult writing in -- it is likely a minor. Telling a minor to simply not go on the family vacation is beyond ludicrous. Yes, the minor can bring this up to her mother, but does Margo really think the mother is just going to say, "gee, you're right, none of us should go." Or, barring that, the mother is going to say, "OK, you can just stay home, but the rest of us are going." Not going to happen. Margo says she's not being flip with this short answer is, again, ridiculous. This is probably a teenager looking for real guidance about how to handle this situation. She's going to need the vocabulary and skills to approach her mother about this, and if that doesn't go well -- which is highly likely -- she's going to need some coping skills and strategies for the trip ahead. Because mark my words, she's going on that trip.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Feb 2, 2010 8:33 AM
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I am with Lisa -- the girl can't unilaterally 'not go' to grandma's. So she needs to be encouraged to be assertive. When the cousins are tormenting her brother, she needs to march her brother over to her mother, explain the situation and say 'you need to put a stop to this.' When grandma goes on and on about not liking the cousins, she needs to be encouraged to say 'Of course I don't like people who are mean to me and my brother. Would you like someone who was constantly tormenting you and had no manners?'
And to the cousins -- 'I really don't like it when you X, cut it out. -- (adding I wish you would grow up, the second or third time you have to say it) when Grandma gets in on the act on behalf of the cousins you then say 'Of course we don't want to play with Bratley, he (whatever it is) -- no one wants to play with someone who does that.'
Since Mom is incapable of being a grownup when around her mother, time for the granddaughter to be encouraged to stand up for herself.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Artie
Thu Feb 4, 2010 1:33 PM
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