Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

Dear Margo: I am badly in need of advice. I am a child of a blended family. My mother has two children from a previous marriage and one from her current marriage. As teens, my sibling and I were forced out of the house because anger was directed at us. After we left, our half-sibling was spoiled rotten. We are over any hard feelings, but the problem lies with the grandchildren. All three of us are grown with children, yet my mother only spends time with our half-sibling's child. My children have stopped asking to visit Grandma because she put them off for so long that they got the hint. Whenever we get together briefly for the holidays, she says she loves and wants to spoil her grandchildren, but she only spoils the one. I cry all the time because my kids will have no special memories of my mother. We live in the same town and it weighs on me. I have tried to talk to her about this, but she becomes angry and says hurtful things to me. Any advice? — Feeling Awful

Dear Feel: How perfectly sad this situation is. For starters, your mother did not properly protect you when she remarried. To have two teenagers forced out of the house is regrettable, and I get no sense of a "blended family." Her affection and attention are indisputably directed toward the last child — to the point of excluding your children. I hope you know there is nothing wrong with you, your sib or your kids, but there's plenty wrong with your mother. My advice is to stop trying to talk to her and stop crying. You just drew the short straw in the Mother Lottery and nothing can change that. I suggest you make other memories for your kids and work toward acceptance of the fact that your mother is an odd duck. A lot of kids either don't have grandmothers or they are at a great distance, and that is just one variable in growing up.

Party On

Dear Margo: My long-term boyfriend's family is very warm and loving, and they have a penchant for celebrating milestones. My family, in contrast, did not give me gifts or even cards when I graduated from college. I am a few months away from completing a certificate of study at a community college, and although I'll be glad to be finished, the "accomplishment" means almost nothing to me. I decided to get the certificate to raise my salary a little, and while it's been a hassle to go to the classes and do the work, I don't consider it an academic achievement at all. My boyfriend's mother actually wanted to throw a party for me, and I've talked her down to a congratulatory dinner, but I'd really rather have the "graduation" pass with no acknowledgment at all. I tried to explain nicely that I really don't care about this certificate, but she has not listened. The dinner is likely the best I can do without raising my voice, and I'll be dreading the event for the rest of the semester. What do you advise? — Indifferent

Dear In: C'mon, what's the big whoop? Look at it as a dinner in your honor because she likes you — and she likes parties. There could be no clearer indication of her affection for you than wanting to celebrate something you've done. I am pretty sure your discomfort with this is that your family celebrates nothing and never marks an occasion, so you're unused to gestures of this kind. Truly, there is nothing to dread, and my hope is that you can progress beyond your family's approach and adopt that of your boyfriend's mother. Life is gayer that way. — Margo, festively

***

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD

DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.