Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

Dear Margo: When I married "Phil" two years ago, I was in heaven. It was the culmination of several wonderful years of living together. But at the time we were married, my husband was unemployed. He'd had a not-so-rewarding experience in his last position and wanted to take some time to reevaluate his path in life and his spiritual purpose. Being the supportive wife and knowing he had substantial savings, I said fine, take the time you need. Now, two and a half years later, the savings are gone and there is no motivation on Phil's part to get a job.

He says he cannot spend his life being "miserable" in a 9-to-5 job seeing how disappointed I am in my current job, and he feels "something big" is coming up spiritually. Now my savings, the money I had put away for a house, has dwindled by the thousands in an effort to maintain some semblance of the life we once enjoyed. Phil meditates all morning, then walks around town or goes to lunch with his friends while I work to pay the bills. I have no sex drive anymore, which is taking another toll on our relationship. He says that if I feel that disappointed in him I should divorce him, but wishes I would stick with him through this "tough time." I feel that he is not fulfilling his obligations as a husband, either financially or emotionally. I feel more depressed and alone than ever before, but do I have the right to tell Phil to give up his spiritual quest because I don't have the money to support him anymore? — Directionless

Dear Dire: You may not have the right to tell Phil to give up his spiritual quest, but you do have the right to mandate that he seek employment and end these "tough times." You might also throw in that there are multitudes of spiritually questing people who are gainfully employed. It seems to me that in two-plus years this man has run through your savings and his in exchange for not doing a day's work.

All the Signs Point to the Exit

Dear Margo: I have been in a long-term relationship with a man (over eight years). I've always wanted to get married, and he has always been unclear about his intentions. This man has been verbally abusive, non-supportive and very selfish. A month ago I moved out of our house and into my own apartment. Now he wants to get married, claiming to see the error of his ways. We've been seeing a counselor, both individually and as a couple. I love this man; however, I have a lot of wounds that need to be healed before I can be engaged to him. How can I forgive him and love again? How do I trust him to not go back to his old ways? How do you know that you love someone and are not just feeling a strong sense of need for them? — Ambivalent

Dear Am: It seems to me, from couples I have known, that going to counseling before marriage is a strong indicator that the marriage should not take place. In your case, it sounds as though your gentleman friend now wants what he can't have. In other words, "No one walks out on me." It is hard for me to imagine wanting to marry someone who, for eight years, has been verbally abusive, non-supportive and selfish. If he gets you back, it will be so that he will have "won," and then he can mistreat you as your husband. An old rule of mine is that marriage does not improve behavior. Ever. His "old ways" are his personality, and I think you should call it a day. — Margo, conclusively

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2008 MARGO HOWARD

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