Nice Touch: "But, Honey, All These Women Look Like You!" by Margo Howard on Creators.com

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What's Up with That? Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more. Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more. Good To Go Dear Margo: My father recently got a diagnosis of stage-four liver cancer. He is adamant that he wishes to die at home. In addition to needing information about how this can be arranged, I have now started thinking about my own health and wishes. I …Read more. To Be Drawn In or Not To Be Dear Margo: I'm a ninth grader at a small private school. I recently found out that someone who used to go to my school and is now at another school is smoking and dealing pot. When I found this out, I wondered if anyone at my school was doing this, …Read more.

Nice Touch: "But, Honey, All These Women Look Like You!"

Dear Margo: My husband and I met online in 2001, moved in together in '03 and married in 2006. He's wonderful in almost every way, but we've had some huge problems due to his need for sexual attention. Right after I moved in, I found he had a lot of porn, plus dozens of girls and women (ranging from teens to 30s) on his contact lists for IM. There were photos of some of them nude and clothed. I thought all this was over in 2005, but he was still getting calls from women and going into the bedroom to talk privately. (And also talking to his ex and trying to get her to have phone sex. She told me and he admitted it.) For the past year, he has been watching porn every morning on a particular site, where he has several favorite women. (Then he tries to delete the history.) When I found out, he said he liked them because they looked like me (they looked nothing like me), and that he only went there because I'm usually too tired for sex due to caring for our 6-month-old son. I am tired, but we still have great sex two to three times a week. He's been extremely devoted since I got pregnant, aside from the everyday porn, but since he tries to hide that, I wonder what else he may be hiding. I really want to keep our new family together if possible. — Waiting for the Other Shoe To Drop

Dear Wait: Your husband's concentration on sex has probably crossed over into addiction. I am not one of those who believes that as long as a married man isn't physically getting it on with some babe he is being true to the marriage. I suggest you get guidance and information from a group meant for the family and friends of sexaholics — the people affected by the sexual attitudes and behavior of another person. S-Anon's web address is www.sanon.org.

Good luck. — Margo, explorationally

Knock, Knock. It's the Nutty Neighbor

Dear Margo: My mother and I are in a situation. We have a neighbor (with whom we are not close) who walks into our house whenever she feels like it. We have tried to be compassionate and understand that she doesn't have many diversions in life, but all the woman does is complain about everything. And I mean everything. We have tried telling her that we are busy and cannot talk. Then she says nasty things about us, and that no one in this world has time for her, etc. We lock the doors, but she will stand outside to see whether we will come out, or call dozens of times to "catch us" at home. We know that she lives with people, but I guess they don't interest her anymore. We know her health is sound — we know all about her health — and that she isn't mentally ill or anything. What more can we do to tell this lady to stay out of our house? We cannot tolerate her forced companionship anymore. — Under House Arrest in Kansas

Dear Un: This woman may not be mentally ill, but she sure is dense. (And I'm not so sure it's not a personality disorder to completely ignore boundaries and the fact that people seem to be hiding from you.) I have talked about this before: No one should feel like a prisoner in his or her own home. Because you say she has already said awful things about you when the welcome wagon doesn't seem to be operating, I can't see what you've got to lose by laying it on the line. Simply tell her that your time at home is your sanctuary from work and other obligations, and her "visits" are not the way you choose to spend your spare time. Keep your doors locked and just ignore her if she continues to lurk around. — Margo, definitively

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

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4 Comments | Post Comment

I have to agree with Margo in regard to the neighbor who walks into the lw's house whenever she feels like it. Yes, they should keep their doors locked and they should tell the neighbor that they don't appreciate her constant visits.
One of my sisters had a neighbor like this. As soon as my sister gets home from work, the woman is at her door ready for a visit. My sister would prefer to just sit back and unwind from work without having to entertain a neighbor.
My daughter had a similar but worse situation. The woman next door would walk right into the house. My daughter started locking the doors but the woman would look in and see my young grandson. She'd catch his eye and motion for him to unlock the door for her and then she'd walk in. My daughter was not always right there to stop him because she might be doing something in another part of the house. One day the woman got in and allowed the two dogs to go outside. She never told my daughter she let the dogs out. My daughter thought they were sleeping in another room which is what they often did so she didn't look for them. Hours later she realized they were missing. She found one dog and got her inside but the other dog was lying on the side of the road dead where it had been hit by a car. My daughter and her husband had a large fenced in area for the dogs and had never allowed them to just run free. Yet it took one visit from this neighbor who got my 4 year old grandson to unlock the door for her for the dogs to get out and for one to be killed. And yet my daughter had TOLD the woman she should not come in without my daughter's or her husband's permission.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Fri Jun 19, 2009 11:45 PM

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We all want to be neighborly, but when they're just walking into your house uninvited and refusing to go away, get a restraining order. You're being stalked!

Comment: #2
Posted by: Pam
Sat Jun 20, 2009 2:43 AM

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Re: Pam --- Not necessarily. Some people are really just totally clueless. My daughter's neighbor finally stopped when my daughter lost it and screamed at her. It was because the neighbor's horse had gotten loose when she wasn't home. My daughter and her friend were able to get the horse into my daughter's pasture to keep the horse from going into the road (which it already had). She wrote a note and put it on the neighbor's door to let her know what happened and that she should call when she got home. Instead the woman went and got her horse and never properly shut the gate. Because the gate wasn't closed, my daughter's horse got out. It was the last straw since her dog had been killed by this neighbor's negligence. My daughter said she'd never yelled at anyone like that before but it was just too much to lose the dog (the other one had severe psychological problems as a result and never recovered from it) and then have her horse put in danger after she'd put herself out at 8 months pregnant to save the woman's horse from that fate. I was sort of mad at my daughter to put her pregnancy at risk to save the neighbor's horse who was not well-trained or gentle.

Comment: #3
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Sat Jun 20, 2009 11:26 AM

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We used to have pain the behind neighbors, too. They're weren't clueless, just determined that they not be shut out, no matter how blunt we were. I begged my mother to get a restraining order, as I knew my father wouldn't. She refused, because she was afraid of what people would say. When these people saw we weren't letting them in the house, they tried every way they could think of to get back in, all to no avail. I am glad to say the day finally came when these people moved and that was a great blessing to the community, as we weren't the only ones who had problems with these people.

This lady's neighbor is not clueless -- she knows what she's doing and is doing it intentionally, just as my former neighbors were. She really should get the police involved; or if not, tell this woman where to get off at in no uncertain terms and let the chips fall where they may.

I had to set some boundaries with a friend who was driving me crazy calling me almost daily at work and/or at home. It got to the point where when I would see her number on caller ID, I wouldn't answer the phone. I would even dread answering the phone at work, having a gut feeling it would be her. I know it was my fault for not having done something early on. Some weekend she'd call up to 5 or 6 times, to just chatter. I enjoy talking with her, don't get me wrong, but not several times a day much less daily. One evening she called 6 times in about an hour and a half. Yes, I was at home. Sometimes she'd leave a message, sometimes not. One of the messages was one she would sometimes leave when I honestly wasn't at home: "are ya there or just don't want to talk to me?"
One day when she called at work, that did it. I told her I was in the middle of something, couldn't talk right then and hung up on her. Then had to leave my desk a few minutes to calm down; then try to compose a sendable email. I told her she's a good friend, but her daily/almost daily phone calls had been getting on my nerves for a long time, and don't call me at work anymore or at home after 9 p.m., etc. I'm glad to say we got things worked out and salvaged our friendship. It's not often we talk when I'm at work now, only if it's something urgent, usually one or two calls during the week or on a weekend.

Comment: #4
Posted by: Judith Fowler
Tue Jun 23, 2009 3:22 AM

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Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

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Nice Touch: "But, Honey, All These Women Look Like You!"

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