Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

Dear Margo: I am a 40-year-old college-educated business owner, wife and mother of two young boys. My mother and father live a half-hour away. I used to call once a week. If I let more than a week go by, I would get a sour greeting from my mother, such as, "Oh, about time you called," and the conversation would go downhill from there. This would get me mad, as I did not call to be scolded. As the years went by, my phone calls became less frequent. In 10 years (I'm not exaggerating), my mother has called me maybe five times. She just expects me to call her. Why would someone act that way? — Frustrated Daughter in Arizona

Dear Frus: I don't know if you're old enough to remember the brilliant Nichols & May routines, but a famous one has a generic mother scolding a grown child: "So how come I never hear from you? You never write, you never call." Like much comedy, this bit was based on the universal truth that some mothers want to be in touch more than the offspring does, and they also think they should not have to be the ones to initiate the call. Why? Their answer is the age-old response to many a question: "Because I'm the mother." You really have two choices: You can continue things as they are, phoning less and feeling annoyed, or, if you like your mother, you can reinstate the weekly phone calls just because it makes her happy. My kids and I have a routine where whoever has something to say — or just wants to talk — picks up the phone. So whether or not you play along really has to do with how you feel about your mother. — Margo, analytically

Dear Margo: I have been divorced from my first husband, "Lionel," for 13 years. He was an abusive alcoholic who (thankfully) skipped the state eight years ago to avoid paying child support for our children, "Eloise," now 21, and "Laura," 18.

My current husband is furious. He's been a big part of the girls' lives for 10 years, and together we've raised two healthy, well-adjusted young ladies. He absolutely doesn't want Lionel at the party, and frankly, neither do I — he's extremely rude, obnoxious and inappropriate even while sober. We didn't have any objections to her father attending the ceremony, but he is not welcome in our home. I have told him he is not to attend the party, but he states he's going to do what he wants. If he shows up, my husband would like to have him arrested, since he has several outstanding warrants in our state. That would only hurt Laura. I'd like to try to keep the peace and encourage Lionel to leave quickly, but my normally easygoing husband is being stubborn. We're arguing about this lout every day, and I'm at a loss on how to handle this situation. — Stressed Out in a Small Town

Dear Stress: It is too bad Laura mentioned the party, given everyone's history. A public ceremony in a high school is another story. I frankly think the chances of Lionel "leaving quickly" are somewhere between slim and none. Seeing as how there are warrants out for his arrest in your state, I would write him a note saying that he might want to stay home because the local police will be at the party. The bottom line is that it is your house and he should choose another time to see the girls. — Margo, steadfastly

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD

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