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What's Up with That?
Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more.
Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind
Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more.
Good To Go
Dear Margo: My father recently got a diagnosis of stage-four liver cancer. He is adamant that he wishes to die at home. In addition to needing information about how this can be arranged, I have now started thinking about my own health and wishes. I …Read more.
To Be Drawn In or Not To Be
Dear Margo: I'm a ninth grader at a small private school. I recently found out that someone who used to go to my school and is now at another school is smoking and dealing pot. When I found this out, I wondered if anyone at my school was doing this, …Read more.
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Married, Pregnant and Miserable
Dear Margo: I am 35 years old, married for two years. Surprisingly, I have a 17-month-old daughter and am four months pregnant — despite the fact that my husband does not want to have sex with me. (Only four times in two years. We have been very lucky!) He is emotionally distant, not affectionate, always stressed and angry that I am not a better housewife, even though I do try my best to be a good mother and wife. I was able to cope OK for the first two years, but now that I am pregnant again, I am extremely depressed about our relationship. When I try to express my feelings and needs to him, he accuses me of playing games to manipulate him and becomes verbally abusive if I press the issue. He seems to love his daughter, but has reacted negatively about the expected baby — even though he was the one who suggested getting pregnant! If it were not for the children, I would leave him instantly. How do I reach this man and transform my marriage? I am a child of divorce and hate the idea of putting my children through the same ordeal. I know I could not bear a separation or divorce during my pregnancy or while trying to care for a newborn and a toddler, but my days of misery with my husband are really starting to take a heavy toll on me and, in turn, on our daughter. My greatest wish is for our children to have a normal, stable home life in which they can thrive. — Teary in Arkansas
Dear Tear: I agree that you should do nothing until the new baby arrives and you are comfortable in the routine of caring for two little ones. While recognizing (and sympathizing) with your wish to provide a stable home life, I am doubtful this is possible with a man who has mandated sex as a twice-a-year procedural; is emotionally distant, stressed and angry; complains; and is totally uninterested in how you feel about anything. I actually don't think a "transformation" is possible. There is too much wrong with him. You do not have to live like this. As for your wish for a stable home life, that is possible with a mother who is not wildly unhappy. Bide your time, and then leave. — Margo, recuperatively
Culture Clash
Dear Margo: What do you think of this situation? My friend, a 40-year-old divorced father of two, thought he had fallen in love with a 37-year-old virgin of the Muslim faith. (She and her family live in the U.S. My friend is not Muslim.) In a year of being engaged, they have never kissed or touched. He now feels this is a mistake and has tried twice to break off the engagement, but her family has told him, "Once you commit to marriage with a Muslim woman, you cannot back out." Needless to say, this is a serious dilemma. My friend confided this to me and I am concerned. What would you tell him if you were me? — Fearful
Dear Fear: I do not find this such a serious dilemma because the woman's Muslim family lives in this country and their religious rules and customs apply only to them. Neither the United States nor any religion practiced here forbids the breaking of an engagement, just as we do not stone adulterers or have honor killings. I'd advise your friend man up, call it a day and suggest this woman would be happier with someone of her own faith. If the family becomes threatening, he has recourse to a restraining order or the Department of Immigration. — Margo, factually
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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9 Comments | Post Comment
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Margo,
As one of your Muslim female readers, I was extremely disappointed in how you answered today's inquiry (8/21/09). Instead of sounding like the biggot that you've proven to be, you could have done your research. Islam has no restrictions when it comes to breaking off an engagement, or even divorcing for that matter. Furthermore, instead of using the usual "intimidation" words- Department of Immigration this and that- you could have used your lentil size brain and figured out that American Muslims have as many rights as, say, Jewish Americans, your own people. And enough about the stonning jokes. Many innocent Muslim women have to go through that and die from that everyday, without yet another Jewish white trash making fun of it. Show compassion for God's sake; you're supposed to be educated. Your mother is rolling in her grave right now. Shame on you! But yet again, considering the source....we're all "goyim" to you anyway, "less than an animal", even your majority Christian readers....Glad to see your true colors at last!!!
No Longer A Reader from Ohio
Comment: #1
Posted by: Meriem
Fri Aug 21, 2009 5:45 AM
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I can't believe what kind of advice you're giving to that port lady in who's pregnant and have a 17 month old child. How do you tell someone to bide their time and then leave? What makes her incapable and unable to take care of herself while she's pregnant. You should've asked what kind of support system she has? It's not impossible to leave your husband even though you're pregnant. She may want to try and work it out more and put even more effort in it, but a relationship is a 2 way street. If he's not going to reciprocate, why is that even a good situation for her child, herself AND her unborn child to thrive while she's "WAITING IT OUT". This is not even in addition to the other comment you gave about the Muslim family. BY GOD, you give HORRIBLE advice and I'm sure you've offended tons of readers. ~A serious pissed off reader and advertiser for this site.
Comment: #2
Posted by: CNG
Fri Aug 21, 2009 8:17 AM
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I LOVED your advice to LW concerning the muslim engagement. They're using intimidation tactics, so why shouldn't he? And I didn't think it was a stoning "joke". Quite the contrary, the fact that this practice still occurs is quite sickening. And hey, if they don't like americans and our way of life, they can always go back to their own country.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Jennifer
Fri Aug 21, 2009 9:04 AM
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Is Margo on vacation, and is somebody else filling in? The advice doesn't seem to be the usual Margo style. I have never seen Margo advising somebody to bide their time in a miserable marriage. She may recommend counseling, but not staying put in what sounds like an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. Bide time until when? While leaving a marriage is never easy, especially for a woman with a 17-month old kid and no job, it's easier to leave when you are 4 months pregnant than when you have a toddler and a newborn. Or a toddler and a pre-schooler, who may still be in diapers. Is Margo advising that LW bides her time until both kids are in school? That's at least 5 more years, maybe six. With a husband like hers, she may be pregnant with another baby by then. LW says she is 35, has been married for 2 years, and is a housewife. That means that until the age of 33 she probably had a job and supported herself. In two years, her skills wouldn't have become outdated. She can get a job now and work until the baby is born. So, counseling or get out now. Or both. As for LW2, I can't believe Margo brought up the Department of Immigration (which is called the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, btw). What? All Muslims are immigrants? There are millions of Muslims in the U.S. who are either born or naturalized citizens, so the USCIS can do nothing about them. Moreover, while permanent residents who have committed a crime may be deported, they first need to be *convicted* of this crime. "My fiancee's family is threatening me, so deport them," just doesn't cut it. If you feel threatened, call the police and file a complaint. Get a restraining order if necessary. But brining in immigration into the matter is both xenophobic and stupid.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Ariana
Fri Aug 21, 2009 11:19 AM
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Jennifer, Did it occur to you that this Muslim family might just BE American? In which case, where do you propose they go?
LW1 - Call the House of Ruth. Call the Aunt that you haven't spoke to in 10 years or your roommate from college and ask for help. You need to get out. Margo's advice is just not tenable today!
LW2 - Engagement is engagement. Marriage is the commitment. Your friend is an idiot. Clearly your friend was dazzled by his fiancee's virginity and not her character or personality.
Margo, What is wrong with you today? I am disgusted at your advice. If you are using a ghost writer, fire them. If you wrote this, or gave it your approval, then you need to be fired.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Kate
Fri Aug 21, 2009 1:18 PM
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I agree with those who said, "Is Margo on vacation?" No marriage is a loss until the couple has given marital therapy an earnest try. Her husband may have been raised by emotionally distant parents, truly loves his wife and toddler very much, but not be able to show it. He also could have low testosterone levels dampening his libido. No way would I call it "over" until counseling fails or if he refuses to go at all.
Re: the Muslim engagement, my view is that it might not be a threatening situation for the man, as much as it is for the woman. I don't know what Muslim customs are, but it could be that she'd be viewed as undesirable to any man of her faith. I think Margo should have asked a source in the Muslim faith for input.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Bonnie
Fri Aug 21, 2009 5:08 PM
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Lw1 I agree with margo on bidding her time but she start making herself independent. I want to know is why did she get pregant again with a guy who's like this??? I honestly don't get it.
Lw2 I think your friend started to get discouraged from marrying her because of a few factors. He needs to her as her for her. If her parents go overboard with threats, he can either call the police or get a restraining order on them. We don't know much about the parents to rule out where they were born.
As for margo, I think one of her co-workers handled the letters, not her. But, I think she should do research more. Plus, it's out of the blue opinions.
Comment: #7
Posted by: a little advice
Mon Aug 24, 2009 10:25 PM
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I m extremly offended by how margo reply, seek the Department of Immigration? What? Are all Muslims in US are immigrants? i m a female muslim, to my knowledge Islam has never enforce breaking off an engagement, or even divorcing for that. Islam does not condone physical relation until the marriage solemnise, surely the reader friends know about all this before deciding to get enggage? You should never agreed to marry someone of different faith if you don't fully understand it, Margo should search thoroughly in this! in bringing immigration into the matter is shows xenophobic.
Comment: #8
Posted by: lin
Tue Aug 25, 2009 10:54 PM
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Re: lin
I too was outraged that Margo would suggest calling "Department of Immigration" (which doesn't exist, it is ICE: "Immigrationa dn Customs Enforcement") Don't like how they are interacting with a "real" American? Let's ship 'em all home! That's the attitude that makes Americans seem detestable to so much of the world. And like we need any more bad blood with Arab and Muslim neighbors. I also find it incredible that she assumed that they were immigrants. A totally insensitive, offensive, and xenophobic response.
What do you have to say for yourself, Margo??
Comment: #9
Posted by: jsp608
Fri Aug 28, 2009 12:33 PM
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