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People Don't Have To "Get Over" Everything
Dear Margo: Twenty years ago, I lost my job and couldn't find another one. My savings ran out, and bit by bit, I hocked everything until I was left with only the clothes on my back. My mother had a three-bedroom house, but she was dating for the …Read more.
This Fundamental Difference Bodes Ill for a Happy Marriage
Dear Margo: After two years of research and soul-searching, I have rejected my faith and become an atheist/humanist. I grew up in a Christian household, and all of my family and most of my friends are Christians. I was once devout, and I married a …Read more.
Trying To Rescue a Friend
Dear Margo: A good friend began dating a man whom I will call Albert. Recently, she admitted he hits her and constantly checks up on her. Last month, some other concerned friends and I held an intervention and learned the true extent of his actions. …Read more.
You Do Not Have To Answer Every Question That Is Asked
Dear Margo: Like many women, I don't exactly see eye to eye with my husband's family. He is from a large family where everyone (except him) still lives in the same zip code. Each "branch" of the family has at least four kids, even when …Read more.
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Long-Ago Guilt
Dear Margo: Growing up with older brothers, I was exposed to sex early through the magazines, parties, etc. that came with them being in high school and entering puberty. I was even sharing a room with a teenage brother who snuck his girlfriends in while I was "asleep." On my block, there was a group of us, boys and girls, who would play "doctor." My problem: When I was 11 or 12, I was asked to babysit a neighbor's kids. One of them was a girl about 6 or 7 with whom I played doctor until I saw a fear in her that stopped me dead. I had not touched her sexually; I just did what doctors did when they looked at you. I did not understand her response. This never happened again.
As I grew up and learned more about life, I realized I had more or less molested her. For more than 30 years, I have wondered whether she is OK and whether I should reach out and try to explain it all. My wife thinks it was not enough to impact her, that there is a chance she does not even recall it. I just want another's view and some direction. — Lost
Dear Lost: Your growing up was obviously quite sexualized because of the older brothers. I would hope that most sitters did not/do not play doctor with the little kids in their charge. Good sense would just seem to dictate that.
Thirty years is a long time to wonder about something and then decide to maybe check into the matter. I would not pursue the incident with the victim, because no mater what you would say, if she felt molested, she was molested. There is always the chance that the fear you saw in her eyes had to do with someone who had been molesting her in a more determined way. Forgive yourself for this unfortunate misstep, and if the residual guilt is too hard to handle, a session with a therapist could help you put this to rest. — Margo, forwardly
Of Cake in Your Face and Bended Knees
Dear Margo: I have two wedding-related questions, just out of curiosity. (I am married.) What's with the bended knee business when men propose? I find that kind of 18th century.
And what do you think of couples smooshing the wedding cake into each other's faces? I have seen this done a few times and can't figure it out. — Inquisitively
Dear Inq: Well, I've probably had more experience with this than most people, and no one I've known (or married) ever got down on one knee. I know it happens, however, from reading the Sunday New York Times wedding section stories. I have to think it's done with a touch of irony and perhaps a wish to bow to the traditional. It certainly is one of those gestures whose meaning is immediately understood.
As for the cake, I'd probably belt a guy who did that at the cake cutting. I see no humor in covering a bride's face with cake and frosting when she's all made up and wearing a gown for her big day. In fact, it strikes me as a vaguely hostile act, for reasons that elude me. The symbolism of the first slice of wedding cake, by the way, is that the bridal couple feed it to each other as a gesture of sharing and taking care of each other. — Margo, properly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2012 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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13 Comments | Post Comment
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Hear! hear! to Margo's response about the cake smooshing. I first started seeing this at weddings in the 70s and it struck me as a way for childish people to negate the solemnity of the rituals. Then it becomes a bozo-fest with guests encouraging retaliation, which, of course, happened. Like belching loudly before giving a eulogy - way to say "We're such immature jokesters that any hint of seriousness makes us nervous so this is how we react." Fortunately, I haven't seen it in the last 10 years or so - maybe people are starting to realize how it looks.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Fri Mar 2, 2012 6:36 AM
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I told my husband I would rip up our marriage certificate and have it annulled if he smashed cake in my face. We fed each other the cake with care.
My younger sister smashed cake in her grooms face at the last minute after he lovingly fed her a bite. After six years together they had a nasty divorce that took two years to clear up.
I have a theory that weddings with cake smashing brides and grooms don't bode well for the future of the marriage. But then I have odd ideas such as not spending more than you can afford on a wedding and that while the wedding is an important event, it's more important what you do every day AFTER the big day. I'll admit it, I'm a nut.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Chelle
Fri Mar 2, 2012 9:45 AM
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I told my husband I would rip up our marriage certificate and have it annulled if he smashed cake in my face. We fed each other the cake with care.
My younger sister smashed cake in her grooms face at the last minute after he lovingly fed her a bite. After six years together they had a nasty divorce that took two years to clear up.
I have a theory that weddings with cake smashing brides and grooms don't bode well for the future of the marriage. But then I have odd ideas such as not spending more than you can afford on a wedding and that while the wedding is an important event, it's more important what you do every day AFTER the big day. I'll admit it, I'm a nut.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Chelle
Fri Mar 2, 2012 9:45 AM
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I agree with Margo on LW#1: This man was a child who was innocently playing with his charge based upon what he'd witnessed in his own home. This was not a malevolent or selfish attempt to satisfy his own needs. Nothing will be gained by speaking to the victim. In fact, if he jars that memory and she reacts poorly to it, she might still be able to press charges which would complicate his life.
Speak with someone who can help you forgive yourself for an innocent act of ignorance.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Wordsworth
Fri Mar 2, 2012 9:59 AM
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LW1 -- My brother was molested by a babysitter, and it was done in front of me (I was 2 or 3 at the time, my brother would have been 5 or 6). At least, that's what it would be called today, despite the fact that the babysitter didn't actually touch my brother. She had him lay down on the couch, pull his pants off and touch himself in front of her (and me). I am not sure how my parents found out about it, but they did. They never had her babysit again (obviously), and had a talk with her and her parents, explaining why. I don't know what all was said, but I know the police were not called. Perhaps they should have been, but this was in a different era, and indeed, neither my brother nor I was hurt, and neither of us suffered any lasting effects. I'm telling you this because if it was all as innocent as you make it sound in your letter, then in all likelihood, she has never given it a second thought and is perfectly fine. What gives me pause, however, is that you saw a look of fear in her eye.
LW2 -- I seem to recall the cake-smooshing tradition being discussed by a different advice columnist at some point. Count me among those who consider it to be a bizarre, quasi-agressive way to kick off a marriage. The vast majority of the weddings I have been to, this has not happened. I can only think of one off the top of my head, and not surprisingly (to me, anyway), the couple in question is no longer married. I am surprised we haven't seen a bunch of people pipe up that they smooshed the cake at their own weddings, and they've been together for 50 years, etc. -- wherever this discussion took place previously, we had a bunch of those. I suppose if both members of the couple are OK with it, then more power to them. But as others have pointed out, the symbolism is supposed to be one of taking loving care of one another -- and also one of trust.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Mar 2, 2012 11:20 AM
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LW1, it seems to me that 11 or 12 is a little bit young to give the responsibility of babysitting, and I really do think that this was relatively innocent. LW was essentially a child himself. Trying to contact this person would likely do more harm than good at this point, and perhaps, if there is still lingering guilt, that a few counseling sessions are warranted.
LW2: Cake-smooshing is just a terrible idea, and does strike me as passive-aggressive (since it's supposed to be "in fun" but quite clearly isn't).
Comment: #6
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Mar 2, 2012 12:12 PM
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I think people make way too much out of the cake-smashing ‘custom' that occurs at certain weddings. If a couple wants to have a little messy fun at their wedding, well, it's their wedding. My guess is that it happens with certain younger couples who find the formality of the occasion a little nerve-wracking and want to blow off some steam. I certainly don't think it's an indicator of subconscious hostility which will later boil over into domestic violence.
My husband didn't mash cake into my face at our wedding. But he had mentioned that he thought it would be kind of cute to dab my nose with frosting, and he did. I tried to dab him back, but he ducked.
Of course, the biggest problem with an action like this (as with anything else) is when one person chooses to do it against the wishes of the other. This happened with the wife of one of my husband's friends. She told me that he mashed cake into her face at the wedding, even though they'd had an agreement not to do that. She said that she called him an a-hole right there in front of everybody.
But they're still married, after more than twenty years. In fact, my family and I saw them at an estate sale not too long ago, and they looked quite happy. So you never really know.
Comment: #7
Posted by: JMG
Fri Mar 2, 2012 12:24 PM
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LW1: Don't contact her. It's a selfish impulse, to assure yourself you didn't do lasting damage.That's something you can't check for without intruding into her life.
Discuss with a therapist, and consider giving a sizable donation to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). No, it doesn't make up to the child you were entrusted to protect. On the other hand, your donation goes to help other people who were victimized, often in more serious ways and by attackers who never felt remorse, and it could very well help someone get their life back.
Comment: #8
Posted by: hedgehog
Fri Mar 2, 2012 3:17 PM
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LW1-
Two children "playing doctor" are not indulging in molestation, and you obviously didn't realise she was a reluctant play partner. I would hazard that her reaction was probably due to the fact that she was already being molested for real on a regular basis.
You wife may be right. But if she is not, bringing this to the forefront will merely open painful wounds for her and I therefore do not recomment it.
You obviously feel very guilty about this. It IS a fact that you exhibited poor judgment aty best... playing doctor is not something a babysitter should do with his charge. But consider this: you stopped the minute you realised she was terrified. A real molester would not have been horrified, he would have gotten his jollies out of that. Try to forgive yourself.
LW2-
"And what do you think of couples smooshing the wedding cake into each other's faces? I have seen this done a few times and can't figure it out."
The ultimate expression of love-hate. Simple. (Not to the credit of people who do that - their view of a relationship is pretty screwed up)
Comment: #9
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Mar 2, 2012 6:54 PM
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LW1--Kids playing "doctor" is a relatively common (and I would argue normal) occurrence among children. As an 11 year old, you couldn't possibly know or understand what you were doing; obviously your early exposure to your older brothers' antics and those of the neighborhood kids skewed your young mind's view of what was normal. What matters is that even at that age, you eventually recognized something was wrong, and you stopped what you were doing. End of story. What do you hope to accomplish, really, by contacting this person out of the blue thirty plus years later to see how she's doing? I agree with Margo; what you're really hoping to achieve is to relieve this long-held guilt over what happened all those years ago. Go see a good therapist who will help you through these painful memories and the effects these incidences have had on your life.
LW2--The bended knee business comes from too many chick flicks. As for the cake in the face, it's the couple's passive aggressive way of getting back at each other for brides acting like crazy bridezillas and grooms acting completely indifferent to the wedding planning process. Any more dumb questions? Don't you have the Internet under that rock you're living?
Comment: #10
Posted by: Chris
Fri Mar 2, 2012 7:36 PM
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The bended knee thing -
It was part of the culture a long time before movies ewven existed. It,s the acting out of, "I'm at your feet and begging you to breed with me."
Comment: #11
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Mar 3, 2012 4:17 PM
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LW2: I don't even like the tradition of the bride and groom feeding each other the cake! I can feed myself, thank you very much!
Comment: #12
Posted by: Paul
Sat Mar 3, 2012 7:12 PM
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Re: Chelle
LW2: I told my husband that I would pretty much kill him if he smooshed my face with cake. (figuratively speaking, though might have punched him or kneed him in the nads if he'd done something so stupid. Luckily he was mature enough (36) not to and we fed each other nice and proper with no muss or fuss. Oh, we are still together after 15+ years BTW. (he was divorced 2 years when I met him from a 13 year marriage....maybe I should ask if he smooshed her face at their wedding, LOL).
LW1: I would not go looking for trouble and digging up this girl's past. You need to come to terms with your own guilty feelings but not mess up her life now by trying to make yourself feel better about what you did (or did not) do. Go see a psychiatrist and deal with it. You are so vague in your letter. If you just acted like a normal doctor, looking at the eyes, ears, tongue, heartbeat, then what is the big deal. If you had her strip and check her for hernias then no that would not be too cool, but in reality it would not be molestation. I am sure they would come up with some term though (today), sexual misconduct, or some such label to put a name on what you "did". Things are so different now then they were in the 70s and 80s (guess we know how our parent's feel now), granted that does not minimize misconduct, it is just seen in a different persepective.
Comment: #13
Posted by: L
Tue Mar 6, 2012 5:20 AM
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