Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

LW1--"I need to make this job work until my husband is done with school two years from now. Can you help me figure out how to handle it?" I have a knack for getting along splendidly with everyone in an organization from the janitor all the way up to the CEO. I think I manage this because I treat everyone with kindness, respect and as an equal. The absolutely wrong approach is to fight fire with fire or antagonize the administrative staff further. Your snide comment about administrative professionals being little more than secretaries comes across as haughty. Your first step is to recognize that your staff are trained professionals too and that their jobs are equally as stressful as yours. Begin to mend fences by treating each member of your staff as a valued resource and do your part to make their jobs a little bit easier. Bring in donuts once in awhile, ask individual members of your staff to lunch to catch up with how they're doing, stop and ask them about their day or their lives occasionally. Smile and be pleasant. It really boils down to respect. Once your staff realizes that you respect them and have their back, then they will do the same. Good luck.

LW2--You should also be prepared for the speed and efficiency that the Internet and smartphones have brought to modern dating. People tend to believe that they can go on-line and order up a life partner much like they might purchase a vehicle. Often if there aren't sparks on the first date, it's common to never hear from the person again. Don't take this sort of thing personally and have fun. It's good to get out there, meet new people and try new things. Best of luck!

I caught the "politically correct term for 'secretaries'" remark as well, and think she walked into this job thinking they were beneath her instead of part of the same team. I'll bet this is her first supervisory job, so perhaps she masked her insecurity with aloofness. Time to make amends and try to start fresh, but she should see if anyone else in her department knows of a history of the admins being uncooperative, just in case.

Chris, I totally disagree with your comments about LW1. And I've been in similar positions, although I don't diss the people below me. Exactly what do you recommend for the LW1 if she takes your advice, it doesn't work, and she can't get another job? More of the same? Sh

"Smiling," "being pleasant," "bringing in donuts," and "taking co-workers to lunch" won't accomplish a thing if she's the one doing all the work in any relationship with these people. They may even see it as permission to keep walking over her. And I would not be willing to spend my hard-earned money on treats or lunch for people who have been rude and disrespectful to me. She should not have to bribe people to treat her with the respect she is entitled to in the first place.


I've noticed that you mount a very high horse in your comments. Consider dismounting it.

I agree completely with Chris, who is, as usual, sensible and pragmatic about most things (one of the more level-headed in our mix, I think).

It sounds as though LW1 is in over her head, which is surprising given the apparent size of it (her head, that is). Her arrogance is overwhelming. The fact that she looks down her nose at the administrative staff is abundantly clear: her use of the word "secretaries" sounds pejorative (if “secretary” was a race, this would clearly be a racial slur); she is “too busy” to take walk-in clients (sounds more like “too self-important” to take walk-in clients); the staff are “making stuff up” about her (which those dirty low-life secretaries are known to do, everybody knows that, it's the breed); and when clients complain about the lack of service (your not returning phone calls or emails), it's either their fault or they're lying.

“One of the admins, as we call them…” Who is this WE, sweetheart? Even your boss is telling you to find a way to get along, find balance, make peace. But you've decided that you are a star-bellied sneetch, and obviously star-bellied sneetches are far and away superior to plain-bellied sneetches. You've turned this into an “us against them” situation, and your contempt is showing. To reiterate what Chris said, “Your first step is to recognize that your staff are trained professionals too and that their jobs are equally as *important* as yours.”

Those professionals probably know the position better than you yourself do – they've supported countless advisors before you, will be there after you've gone, and no doubt know how the job should be done. There's a reason they took a disliking to you. I suggest you consider a little introspection to find out why. And then get over your bad self.

@ Jennifer

My comments regarding LW1 were to convey simply that she seems to have a lack of respect for her "secretaries" and acts as though they're totally beneath her. If anyone is mounting a high horse, it's LW1. If you think being nice to your fellow employees and treating them like PEOPLE is the wrong approach, then I wonder how your coworkers view you.

As for my "mounting a high horse" in my comments, I'm sorry you feel that way. I read the letters and interpret them based on my own unique perspective and experiences. I attempt to respond frankly and with common sense. You're entitled to your opinion and I'll take it under advisement.

Chris? Go buy some lottery tickets baby, because we agree again today!

LW1: I agree with Chris that you need to learn to treat the admins with respect. I used to be an admin (now I am a manager and own my own company) and I think the biggest problem is that many admins don't understand what their managers really do. The LW comes across as someone who is new to management and should try to get to know her coworkers first., and the things that Chris suggests are a great place to start. She should also look into management courses (possibly at a different college) and ask her manager to suggest a peer mentor. When I started my company, I immediately got two peer independant business owner mentors and it has helped me a LOT. I meet with my peer mentors at least once a month. It's not a shame to be new at your job, it is a shame to be so arrogant that you blame your problems on support staff. The LW needs to MANager up and learn to be a better manager, and the secret is, treat people with respect (like Chris says), because you never ever know who is going to be your next boss. One of my bosses now works for ME. How would it be if he had treated me like dirt when he had the power? How do you think I'd feel about him now?

LW2: Again, Chris brings up some excellent points. My input here (and I'm in the same boat kind of, although I now have a boyfriend again) is that the biggest changes I've felt is in the area of SEX. (did that get you guy's attention?) When I was a teenager or early twenties, sex was brought into the equation gradually (the whole concept of first base, second base, etc). AIDS did not exist until I was in my early twenties and even then it was known as "the gay cancer' and not considered a threat to the heterosexual population. WRONG! Within a couple of years, AIDS completely changed the sexual part of the dating game. I got married in my mid twenties and then took some time off to raise my daughter. When she was old enough to date herself, I started back, on little kitty cat paws (as ee cummings would say). It was shocking to me how quickly sex came up in the conversation. I could write a BOOK about bad dates. One guy told me in Date One that he wanted someone to live with him in three months. I said, then I guess no Date Two (I don't believe in living together, long story there). One guy I did get close to (we had been best friends for years, it kind of morphed into more when I was ready to date) and between the two of us, I felt like we were filling out forms at a doctor's office before we did the deed ("How many sexual partners have you had in the last year" etc). Both of us insisted on going to doctors and being fully checked for STDs, the actual act was a bit anticlimactic.

So, if the LW is reading, I would say SEX is a lot different. Even when you do get ready to have sex, your body (and his!) has changed. He may not be able to perform at the drop of a hat like the guys did when you were dating in your teens and twenties. YOU may not feel up to it. Sex itself in your relationship may take on a totally different tone, it may take a second chair to things like financial security and emotional compatibility. Some guys are actually AFRAID of sex later on in life. One conversation I had with my now boyfriend was about our sexual appetites. He told me later he was afraid he wouldn't be able to keep up with me, and that's one reason he didn't want to get sexual right away, he didn't want to disappoint me or HIMSELF.

BUT that being said, there are advantages. Here are ones from my standpoint:

1. Being older, I know more of what I want and what are hard and fast deal breakers. For me those have changed. And I can sense the deal breakers pretty quickly and just end the relationship. No long drawn out processes.

2. You probably are more financially secure and established in your career. For me this also means I don't really care what the guy does, but he has to be as passionate about what he does and I am about what I do. very simple.

3. I have my own support system of many girlfriends and guy friends. I don't need a significant other to fill all those roles. I am way less needy than I was in my 20s and know that a SO is a "nice to have' not a must.

4. i have my child, she's amazing. She's also being incredibly independant (started college last week!) so now I can concentrate my affections on my SO as opposed to also dealing with having a young child on hand.

Those are just a few of the positives. I wish people would be more positive about dating when you are older, because I found myself actually having more FUN. Better places (no more splitting a pizza slice), more relaxed...you know more about what you want. I hope we hear from more women on this issue here today!

Re: Jennifer
The people "below" you? And you don't think you diss them? Interesting.

I have twelve people who report to me. I don't consider them below me and would never refer to them as such. They are my team. They rely on me to to provide them with the tools they need and I rely on them to use those tools to complete our mission. I have had to speak to my manager about a team member before, but it's always been to keep him/her informed of any issues we might be having and what I, as a supervisor, am doing to resolve those issues, never to whine and expect someone else to just fix it. LW writes that the admin staff "decided they don't like" her. Really? They just decided that? What do they do? Pick a random name out of a hat, and that's the person they don't like for the next semester? I doubt it. I suspect that LW inadvertently set a bad tone when she got this new job by presenting herself as better than them. By doing so, she burned up the respect her position should have, and now she needs to rebuild it. Acknowledging mistakes can be hard on the ego, but it's also a sign of maturity. If she wants to regain their respect and build a good work environment, that would be a good place to start. Sit down with them, individually or in a group, admit she hasn't handled everything perfectly, and start a discussion about how to provide a better service to their clients, the students. Keep the focus on their collective job of helping the students, and I bet the atmosphere in the office will improve.

And a dozen donuts now and then really couldn't hurt. ;-)

LW1 -- Count me in with those in Chris' camp that you came across as a tad arrogant and snarky. You clearly felt the burning need to point out that "administrative staff" -- a term that pretty well replaced "secretary" a LONG time ago -- is the "politically correct" term for "secretary," and followed that up with "admins, as we call them." Seriously, it's pretty obvious that you look down on these people and begrudge having to call them admins instead of secretaries. I won't go so far as to call you bigoted, but I'll settle for resentful. Since it would have been just as easy -- heck, easier! -- to write this letter without having to make it clear that the little people who serve you don't deserve to be called "administrative staff," I have to assume that Chris is absolutely right. If we got that from just a brief letter, imagine how obvious it must be to those admins.

In your defense, however, I will add that there could be what I call "self discrimination" going on. You are female, and I'm betting you are relatively young. I'm also betting that the admins are also female and older than you are. When I was in my 20s, I was put into a management position where I had about people who reported to me on a daily basis, and on certain days when my boss wasn't there, I could have as many as 80 people who, through various chains of command, either reported to me or reported to someone who reported to me. With very few exceptions, every single one of these people were older than I was. Most of the people in question had no problem with this, but there were a few who definitely had a problem with it -- and they were female. While there are men out there who have a problem with answering to any female, there are also women out there who REALLY have a problem with answering to a younger woman. It's possible one or two of your admins greatly resents your youth.

If that's the case, you might want to try playing to that by making a point of asking for their advice, support, help with something. That is how I won over the few older women I'm referring to. I'd say, "hey, you've been here longer than I have, so you've probably seen this before -- how should I deal with XYZ?" They appreciated that I was acknowledging that they had more experience/wisdom/knowledge on a given topic and that I was seeking their wisdom on it.
But you have to be careful with this. If you make it sound like you think they're ancient, redundant, irrelevant, etc., then that's only going to compound the problem.

One last thought, if you go to your boss again, ask him if he thinks you are doing something (unintentionally, I'm sure) to alienate the admin staff and/or if there's something specific you could be doing differently that might help resolve the situation. Margo was right about one thing -- it's not enough for your boss to just tell you to try to get along. Ask for specific strategies/direction.

My two cents about letter #1:

-Did the part stating (the politically correct term for "secretaries") of was that added by Margo or one of her editors, in the thought that not every column reader would be up to date on the PC meaning?

-"They get aggressive with me if I say I am too busy for a student walk-in, even though we don't normally take walk-ins."
It sounds as if the walk-ins are reserved for emergency situations, not normal ones that can wait for an appointment. If the admins have been there for a while, then they know the rules and should not be trying to force the LW to break them.

-"Some of my students have even complained about their treatment by my staff."
Bottom line, the behavior of the admins is effecting the treatment of the clients (I.E. the students) an that behavior is wrong. Whither it is a reaction to a bad boss, or a group of people with a nasty attitude about her for whatever reason, it is effecting the students and it needs to be stopped.

Hmmm, part of my comment seems to have been cut out somehow while I was writing it.

my first point SHOULD have read:

-Did the part stating (the politically correct term for "secretaries") come from the LW or was that added by Margo or one of her editors, in the thought that not every column reader would be up to date on the PC meaning?

Sorry for any confusion.

Michelle Keane -- I'd bet money that the "politically correct term for" came from LW and NOT Margo or her editors. Most people who work in media sensitive to the fact that "politically correct" is somewhat snarky (many people who do not work with words or their nuances are unaware). Putting a snarky term in the LW's mouth is unethical.

Have to side with Chris and Lisa here -- LW's problems are pretty much self-inflicted and I think Margo's advice is going to get LW fired. Her boss's boss does NOT want to be playing nursemaid to her; her boss's "find balance" and "get along" are clues that the staff has come to him with complaints about LW and her way of dealing with them.

And I'd bet LW is dealing with "the admins" as a factor beneath her notice except as they serve her. "Please get the supply cabinet restocked." "I need this letter to go out today."

Maybe this is because they're are more of them than there are of her; maybe she's inexperienced; maybe she thinks that it's bad for her career to be chummy with support staff; maybe she's a little shy and unsure of herself. But In the work world, part of your job is to show your support for your support staff and your gratitude for the hard and often thankless work they do and the experience they bring -- to get them on your side.

You do this with some of the measures Chris suggested, and by keeping your eyes open and using your observations to inform your own requests. "Darlene, you are so GOOD on the phone with those appointment no-shows--you manage to shame them and at the same time leave them laughing -- and I've noticed they never miss a follow-up. I don't know how you do it, but I hope you can work your magic on this guy" "Cynthia, I'm sorry to bug you when I know you're so swamped, but the printer's on the blink again. Any chance you could sweet-talk the guy into a service call before the warranty expires?" "Nine kids, Dolly? No wonder you're so organized, you had to be!" "Sandy, how's your dad doing? Are you still looking at places, because my next-door neighbor gave me a great testimonial for where her mom is?"

You treat them as PEOPLE who do an important job. Same goes with folks who work in facilities, in the mailroom, in the cafeteria. And you need to figure out how to do this quick, because you can bet your reputation is suffering. If you can't work with the staff that's been there 5, 10, 25 years -- it's a good bet that your boss will find it easier to replace one person, even at your level, than X amount of long-timers.

I doubt that the bit about secretaries vs. administrative staff was edited in. The term "administrative staff" has been around for at least 20 years.

LW, there is nothing unique about the term administrative staff. Get off your high horse and stop acting like it's a locally invented term to cater to the high maintenance secretaries. It's not. Secretary is an outdated term that does not adequately describe what administrative staff does. Get over it.

Drop the attitude and start keeping a call/ email log. This can be done with a simple notebook or a spread sheet. The next time one of the administrative staff complains to your boss about this specific thing, you can say, "Admin 1 must be confused again. I followed up with X about Y on Z."

LW1-
First, I would go back to Mister Balance and ask if there is something about me the admins are consistently complaining about, and if there is something I could do to better my performance and my rapport with the admins. And, surely to God there must someone you're friends with in that place? Ask them what the admins have against you. It is possible that they have a valid complaint that they cannot tell you because you are above them in the hierarchy.

But it is also possible that you're doing nothing wrong... In which case, this is a form of bullying, where the little clique is closing ranks on anyone new and wages war on them until they succeed in running them off. I have seen that in many offices. If that is what is happening, then your boss is a wimp and I don't doubt he'll have witnessed that little scenario being played out many times before. There may be a reason why the post was available for you to be hired. And, if that is the case, through his refusal to act, he's actually siding with them. Sounds passive-aggressive to me.

First, determine whether you could unknowingly be the source of the problem. If not, then yes, document events with names, dates and exact quotes. I would suggest carrying a voice recorder, but I don't want to sound paranoid. Go back to Mister Balance and, if he does nothing again, go higher. Institutions the size of where you work usually have a HR department, not to mention that you're probably unionised. Your union would be a place to go, as what you're describing qualifies as a hostile work environment. IF you're doing nothing wrong and your staff is not really reacting to something you're doing.

LW1: I'm confused - are they "your" staff? I don't think they are and maybe that is your problem. If you think that you are their boss and you're not that would explain the anger with you. You are only their supervisor if you are responsible for them. If they support you among others doesn't mean they report to you. It's a huge difference. Also, you pointing out that they're really just secretaries says alot about your character. I can see why they hate you. I suggest you get a reality check, apologize to them for your high-handness, and make a true effort to be a professional in the future. Pissing off the people you depend on for support is truly stupid. You're not ready for this job.