Dear Margo: Recently I received an e-mail from an author inviting me to a reading. I was delighted. But then I noticed that my personal e-mail was included in the "cc" line along with a long listing of the others who had received the invitation. Some of these people were famous — much more famous than I. Isn't this an invasion of their (and my) privacy? — Jane Doe (Guarding my privacy!)
Dear Jane: It is considered correct to "bcc" a sizable send list, especially if everyone is not in the same social circle. E-mail addresses of well-known people should be treated like private telephone numbers. On the other hand, only a whack job would get ahold of, say, Jack Nicholson's e-mail address and write him hoping for an answer. In addition, showing all the addresses can be problematic because some people choose to "reply all," something I seldom do because, let's face it, often the responses are pointless — or only concern the person who sent the e-mail. I must confess that I (from laziness) infrequently hide the send list. If everyone on the list were famous, however, one might be able to get away with all the names showing. But in the instance you mention, it was simply careless, if not dumb, to reveal a bunch of famous names and their e-mail addresses simply because the author was flogging an event, thereby inviting press interest. The e-mail you refer to, by the way, did make its way around and, in fact, wound up in "Page Six." Some of the sender's famous friends may now be former friends. — Margo, discreetly
What To Do When Dad Is a Weak Sister
Dear Margo: My sister and I love our father. The problem is our stepmother, "Helen." From the first time we met her, she has been jealous of the love our father has for us and has never treated us as though we were welcome in her home, which turned into their home.
It cost my father our no longer spending weekends with him/them. Now we see him every week or every other week, if we're lucky. Whenever we are at their house, she makes rude comments about things we like or what we watch on TV. (These remarks are always directed at us when my father is in another room.) Considering that we're older, this shouldn't bother my sister and me, but it does. How can we handle her rude remarks when we're at her house? Is there a way to "politely" tell her off, or must we always bite our tongues? — Cinderellas
Dear Cin: I don't think there's such a thing as "politely" telling someone off. One is either polite, i.e., non-challenging ... or one decides to tell someone off. I don't, however, think you and your sister need to bite your tongues. I would recommend that the two of you either ask for "a family meeting" when you go to see them, and then bring up your discomfort with her thinly veiled hostility. If you choose the en famille route, you might say that you are grateful that this woman makes your father happy, but that his children are an important part of his life, too, and you have already curtailed your visits because you do not feel welcome. (My guess is your father knows the score.) If for some reason you decide this is not viable, take your father to lunch and tell him why you have been seeing less of him. My vote would be for the family meeting. I think that will get you better results than trying to have your father straighten her out — which he may be reluctant to do. Alas, yours is an unfortunate, though not uncommon, situation. — Margo, empathetically
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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5 Comments | Post Comment
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Do what we did.....place a hidden tape/video recorder in the room and tape her when your dad is not in the room...She will not be able to get out of the way she treated you
Comment: #1
Posted by: Joy
Sat Jun 6, 2009 12:35 PM
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Margo,
I almost always agree with you but your advice to sisters complaining about "Helen" was really not well thought out. First of all, the lack of information, specifically about the age of the sisters, makes it impossible for me to understand the basics of this family dynamic. The writer of the letter is at least old enough to compose a legible letter, which makes me wonder why these girls find a need to spend all weekend, every weekend, with Dad. Even in contentious divorces, parents usually alternate weekends. Usually, any child over the age of 5 has some kind of outside activities and interests these days. Was there a bitter divorce? Does biogical Mom delight in dumping the girls on Dad and Helen? Is she even alive?
If these girls are older, as the writer says, (older than what would be nice to know) why are they not involved in their interests and friends and creating their own lives? Helen may not be rude as much as frustrated that she may be entertaining two brats who do not lift a hand to help with anything and want to sit around and watch TV all day. Helen and Dad may both be working full time, and desperate to find a little alone time early in their marriage.
Of course, the letter is sketchy, but this is one time I think you really jumped to a conclusion. It could be the right one...but your lack of attention to the lack of information in this letter surprised me.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Judy Nadolny
Sun Jun 7, 2009 4:16 PM
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Dear Margo,
This is the first time I've felt compelled to respond to advice you've given one of your readers. I fear you are doing all of us 'inconsequential folk' a disservice by implying that we do not have an equal right to our privacy. While we may not be hounded by stalkers and fans, the fact remains that when our email addresses get compromised we not only lose a shred of our treasured privacy, but we may also get exposed to spam, malware and adware. Granted, our computer crashing from malware may not be as important as some famous person having to ask their assistant to change their email address because they are getting fan mail, but it is important to us.
My privacy is just as important to me as a 'famous' person's is to them. I pay extra money every month for an unlisted telephone number. I'm not in the phone book. I don't give out my email address willy-nilly either.
Just because I don't exit my vehicle sans underwear in front of hoards of camera-totin' paparazzi, or I'm not on a reality television show talking about my sex life or bowel habits, does not mean I am not equally entitled to my privacy. Well, in these cases, maybe more so.
Please Margo, let your readers know that they should never CC anyone and display email addresses without express permission. Believe me, the BCC button won't hurt. Just try it. It's the one right below the CC button.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Stephanie T
Tue Jun 9, 2009 10:28 AM
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Dear Margo,
This is the first time I've felt compelled to respond to advice you've given one of your readers. I fear you are doing all of us 'inconsequential folk' a disservice by implying that we do not have an equal right to our privacy. While we may not be hounded by stalkers and fans, the fact remains that when our email addresses get compromised we not only lose a shred of our treasured privacy, but we may also get exposed to spam, malware and adware. Granted, our computer crashing from malware may not be as important as some famous person having to ask their assistant to change their email address because they are getting fan mail, but it is important to us.
My privacy is just as important to me as a 'famous' person's is to them. I pay extra money every month for an unlisted telephone number. I'm not in the phone book. I don't give out my email address willy-nilly either.
Just because I don't exit my vehicle sans underwear in front of hoards of camera-totin' paparazzi, or I'm not on a reality television show talking about my sex life or bowel habits, does not mean I am not equally entitled to my privacy. Well, in these cases, maybe more so.
Please Margo, let your readers know that they should never CC anyone and display email addresses without express permission. Believe me, the BCC button won't hurt. Just try it. It's the one right below the CC button.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Stephanie T
Tue Jun 9, 2009 10:29 AM
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hi margo, in response to ABSOLUTELY NOT PREGNANT that says she has a potbelly and people ask if she is pregnant. well, my niece also had a potbelly although she was thin and found out she had Celiacs disease which is an intolerance to gluten. she went on a very strict regimen of eating gluten free foods and her potbelly disappeared over a period of time and she feels wonderful. perhaps its worth checking out. good luck to you.
Comment: #5
Posted by: eta
Tue Jun 9, 2009 5:59 PM
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