Classic Ann Landers

The husband might be like my father was. He had been raised to be ''the perfect gentleman'' and when he had
to go out in the world (besides the store he owned) he was so scared he'd do something wrong mannerwise, or say something people would not appreciate, he hated being around people. He just could not talk to them, his fear was so bad. He would actually shake a little when we went to a restaurant, or place, he was not familiar with. The man even put on a suit (to be properly dressed) when taking trash out, on an afternoon with friends on a boat, and anywhere stepping outdoors. He hated to go anywhere he was not use to. It scares him so!

My husband always tells me thank you for doing things around the house how come I feel like his maid instead. Of his wife. He can't even say two words to me all day .I feel like im dead to him sometimes.

Lauren:
Different people express their feelings in different ways. Your husband appreciates what you do for him, but isn't comfortable just chatting. (Was he quiet before you married him?) Try playing on his field: thank him for what he does for you. Find the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

LW1 doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd care to have over for coffee. I've actually had to entertain a few of this type. They're extremely difficult to host.
First, nothing you do will satisfy them, much less please them. They've already made up their minds about you and the other guests. They dislike you, they find you boring, and they believe you have no redeeming qualities. This means that no matter how hard you work to make food or drink that will please them, and no matter how politely you try to draw them into the conversation, they simply don't think you're worth the time or effort to bring you up to speed on what's going on in their lives.
Second, they make their contempt for you obvious. They think they're being subtle, but they aren't. They pick at their food, they roll their eyes, they sulk like ill-behaved teenagers, they make snide comments, and they arrive at the event unprepared to participate. They contribute nothing to the conversation, and when their eyes glaze over it's obvious they aren't listening. So they bore the socks off everyone around them. Also, they act as though they're doing you a favor by coming to your home. They frequently don't acknowledge an invitation, and if they do they hem and haw until just before the event hoping something "better" will come along. When they do accept an invitation, they cancel at the last minute, or they arrive very late, or they simply don't show up at all. If they do show up, they frequently bring other uninvited guests so they can use your home and your cooking to entertain the people they really value, instead of socializing with you.
Third, they go out of their way to reject the best you have to offer. They pick at the food and treat you to a list of dietary requirements they wouldn't dream of enforcing at a restaurant. Whereas it's reasonable to be Vegan, or to have food allergies, or to be on a liquid diet, it's not reasonable to eat McDonald's burgers for lunch and then refuse to touch the dinner you cook that evening because it's not Vegan. Nor is it reasonable to be lactose intolerant at your home but not at a restaurant. When a person is so picky they reject vegetables from your garden because they're not "organic" or reject any kind of cake or pasta that is made from scratch instead of coming out of a box, they don't really want to be fed or entertained, at least not by you.
Fourth, people like LW1 behave very differently when they're in the company of people they *do* consider interesting and worthy. But whether someone like LW1 considers somebody interesting depends solely on whether there's a chance for material gain. If LW1 had an opportunity to socialize with a major prospective client or an expert in her field, so that getting to know that person would translate financial gain for her, she would be a lot more attentive. But if there's no immediate money in it, the only time you hear from a person like LW1 is if they want something from you.
Finally, when it comes to socializing, with people like LW1 it's a one-way street. They never reciprocate by inviting you over, cooking for you, or entertaining you. They basically treat you like a free restaurant or coffee house. They have no trouble coming over and finding fault with everything and everyone, but they will never open their home to you.

R.A. - I'm not exactly sure what your beef with LW1 is. It sounds like you absolutely agree with her. She said she doesn't want to socialize or chitchat with people she doesn't know very well. You said you don't want people like her over anyway. So why do you need to disparage her and people like her?

I also hate parties and chitchatting, just as some of my friends are energized by being around new people, I am de-energized. This is not a character flaw. This is how some people are. But I would never act as you described in your extremely long letter. When I absolutely must go to party with people I don't know, I am never rude, but it is very very draining. Anyway, you have a beef with people who are the opposite of us - who come in want everything their way. I doubt that people who are drained by socialization would come to a party and make demands of everybody; I certainly would never do that, but yes, I will take a drink and some chips and sit quietly.

Steve - LW1 isn't drained by social interaction. She simply despises the people she's with because their idea of conversation doesn't measure up to her standards, and she's not afraid to show it. Instead of sitting quietly the way you would, she's letting her eyes glaze over as her brain "turns to mush". When someone does that, everybody notices.
I disparage her at length because I'm frustrated and angry when people accept an invitation to my home only to treat me as an intolerable nuisance, make their contempt for my inadequacy obvious, and then complain about me behind my back. I'd rather that people who truly despise my company, and who truly believe I am beneath them, simply turn down my social invitations. After a few repetitions, I get the message that they'd rather not hang out with me, and I stop inviting them so I can focus on other guests. That way everyone gets what they want.

R.A.:
Still wrong. Read her letter again. It doesn't say anywhere that she "despises" the people she meets at parties. The LW never said she is rude to anybody at parties, you inferred that somehow. How do you jump from her eyes "glazing over" when being forced to chitchat, to her clearly despising everyone and making demands of everybody?

Surely you understand that there are other types of people besides the ones who love to be at your house, and the ones who hate it and let everyone know, right? No one has **ever** come to your home, being dragged there by a spouse, and simply feels uncomfortable but isn't rude?

I could go on about rude hosts who insist I go to their parties, because surely I must want to socialize with all these people because they are friends of the host. The fact that they know you isn't enough for me to be interested in them. That was rude of me to say about you, but you won't stop with the rude comments about less-social types.

Even if you (R.A.) are the super social type, surely at some point in your life you've been forced to chitchat with someone when, for whatever reason, you just didn't feel like it. Were you polite and smiled graciously, even though you were tired and you felt your brain "turning to mush"? Or were you very rude and made it clear that you did NOT want to talk? I know very few people who would be rude in that situation, maybe you know more than your share.

PLEASE DO stop inviting us, and also, when a friend comes without his wife to a party, don't get all insulted and whine and insist that she absolutely MUST come next time. That's all the LW and I want, and that's what you want. Just read her letter, smile and nod and agree, that was all you needed to do.