Editor's Note: Hundreds of Ann Landers' loyal readers have requested that newspapers continue to publish her columns. These letters originally appeared in 1999.
Dear Ann Landers: I have been married for four years. After being divorced for 20 years, my husband's former wife is still using his last name, and it burns me up. We go to the same beauty shop, the same supermarket and the same pharmacy. People there often call me by her first name, which is annoying beyond belief.
Am I going to have to change my last name to have peace? I feel as if this woman is married to my husband and I am the divorcee. They had no children together. Why is she doing this? I believe it is just to annoy me. Am I overreacting? I would like your unbiased opinion. — Apoplectic in Long Beach, Calif.
Dear Long Beach: Divorced women have the legal right to use their husband's last name, since they have established an identity and credit record in that name. Also, according to the rules of etiquette, it is proper for divorced women to use their own first name with the ex-husband's last name (Mrs. Jane Gotrocks), and often they do, especially if the name carries some clout.
Those divorced women who wish to distance themselves from the ex often go back to their maiden name, especially if there are no children.
If your husband's former wife chooses to use his name, she has a perfect right to do so. If this is so annoying to you, perhaps you should consider using your maiden name.
Dear Ann Landers: My wife just came out of the hospital after having an operation for breast cancer. Fortunately, the doctors told us they got everything, and the tests indicate that she is cancer-free.
Now, we are receiving phone calls from friends asking the most personal questions — things that are none of their business. It would be nice if they would just ask how she feels instead of asking for details of her medical history.
My wife says we should not insult them. But are insensitive clods like that capable of being insulted? Please tell me how I should respond to people who insist on asking questions that I don't wish to answer. — Anonymously Fed Up
Dear Fed: You do not owe clods who ask nunnuvyerbizness-type questions a polite response. Simply ignore the question, and change the subject.
Feeling pressured to have sex? How informed are you? Write for Ann Landers' booklet "Sex and the Teenager." Send a self-addressed, long, business-sized envelope and a check or money order for $3.75 (this includes postage and handling) to: Teens, c/o Ann Landers, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
ANN LANDERS (R)
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
ANN LANDERS 1/1/99 Page 11
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12 Comments | Post Comment
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In some states, a man can legally force his ex-spouse to stop using her married name. More men should consider this option!
Comment: #1
Posted by: Paul
Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:41 PM
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LW2 can reply: I'm sorry but I feel uncomfortable discussing my wife's private parts in public.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Linda Dorfmont
Sat Jul 10, 2010 11:32 PM
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Re: Paul what states are those? I don't believe that you can force anyone to change their name. Perhaps if they are infringing on copyrighted material but anyone can call themselves anything they want as long as it is not for felonious purposes. I checked and there are other restrictions..." In most states you can legally change your name by usage only. However, an official court document may make it much easier to get everyone to accept your new name. Restrictions on name choices include not choosing a name with fraudulent intent, not interfering with the rights of others, not using a name that would be intentionally confusing (for example a number or punctuation mark), and not choosing names that are racial slurs, threatening or obscene." So she can call herslft anything she wants.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Penny
Sun Jul 11, 2010 6:59 AM
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I didn't change my last name when I was divorced. I'd spent 9 years of my life with this name--graduated from college, started a career, and in the middle of a school year. If I married a guy and found I didn't like that his ex was going to the same stores as I, I would start shopping elsewhere. Or, just like if there is another person with the same last name or relative, I'd just correct people who make a mistake. Or say, "I'm Mrs. John Smith. Sylvia's been divorced from him for 20 years."
Comment: #4
Posted by: BB
Sun Jul 11, 2010 8:13 AM
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somebody that would call you by a different woman's first name is clueless and it wouldn't really matter what last name was being used................................
I have the reverse problem- when I got married I didn't change my name (for professional reasons) and although I have been divorced for 20 years there are still people who refer to me using my ex's name!.............
anybody who really matters knows who I am, but more importantly, I KNOW WHO I AM!
Comment: #5
Posted by: MMB
Sun Jul 11, 2010 12:36 PM
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I didn't change my name after my divorce. It was on my college diploma, which was in a professional field that required further apprenticeship and testing. My life would have become extremely complicated if I'd tried to go back to my maiden name.
My first husband remarried and his wife didn't change her name to his. I remarried and didn't change mine to my second husband's. So I still have my first husband's name and his second wife doesn't. Nobody cares. I'm on very pleasant terms with them, and who is called by which last name is the last thing any of us, including my second husband, ever consider.
Comment: #6
Posted by:
Sun Jul 11, 2010 5:38 PM
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As of June 23rd, I've been Mrs. -HubbysLastName- for nine years of my adult life. It is my name, It is the name on all of my bank cards, the one all of my friends know and how I introduce myself to new people. If, God Forbid, my husband and I were ever to divorce, I would be keeping my name because it is mine now. I'm actually the second Mrs. -HubbysLastName- and I'm actually surprised that the ex decided to go back to her maiden name. But seriously, I don't understand people getting bent out of shape over a name. Does this woman have nothing better to worry about?
Comment: #7
Posted by: Datura
Sun Jul 11, 2010 8:50 PM
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Some people seem to forget that this column first appeared in 1999. Your last name and social standing was a much bigger deal 11 years ago. The fact that the ex kept her husband's last name in the 70's was probably more about social standing than anything else since there weren't children. Chances are, he left her and this was one small thing she could hold on to.
I changed my name 2 years after my divorce 29 years ago and I am still finding remnants of the old name in my history. SS has suddenly decided that I never got a new ID card and my last annual statement showed the old name. I don't regret shedding the name, but I could do without some of the hassles.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Sharon
Sun Jul 11, 2010 11:46 PM
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There has been a toxic smell in my apartment since may of this year and I have not moved in yet. The smell is really bad in the elevator and I got sick from this and had to go tot he doctor. I have notes and medicine. I am schedule to live in the apartment July 1 2010, I signed a lease on june 17, 2010. Additionally this is a section 8 apartment where the govenment grant or loan helps pay the rent. Is this legal? can I get out of this lease based on my doctor's letter?
Comment: #9
Posted by: Aaron
Wed Jul 14, 2010 8:06 AM
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Aaron, I would talk to the doctor. You might also want to talk to a social worker about this. Also, legal assistance for low income people would be able to help you.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Paul
Wed Jul 14, 2010 3:42 PM
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Re: Aaron Has anyone checked for a hidden dead mouse or rat? It could explain the smell. Had a really sickening smell in my kitchen one place we lived. Eventually found a dead mouse behind the dishwasher. It had drug itself, while still caught in the mousetrap, back there and died.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Elizabeth
Thu Jul 15, 2010 7:15 AM
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Regarding the first letter: If her husband was divorced 20 years ago and she married him four years ago, then I seriously doubt that the ex-wife kept her married name for the sole purpose of annoying the LW. The ex would have to have been using the married name at least 12 or 13 years before the present Mrs. came along. Why should she change it now? That being said, the people who are addressing her by the wrong first name should be corrected. They must manage to call other customers by their correct first names. How does a hairdresser look directly at a regular customer and call her by someone else's name? I find that to be kind of rude, and she should feel free to say so.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Jon
Fri Jul 16, 2010 5:24 PM
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