Classic Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers: On a radio call-in show, a listener asked whether she should continue to acknowledge the birthday of a friend's deceased child. The radio host said: "No. Your friend needs to get on with her life. Mentioning the child's birthday would prolong the suffering."

We are parents who have experienced the misfortune of losing a child. Before the tragedy occurred, we may have agreed with the radio host. Parents who have lost children fear their children will be forgotten. Their children's birthdays and death days are lonely and sad for them. When our friends or family contact us on these days and let us know they remember, it warms our hearts.

Often people hesitate to mention our child's name, fearing it will bring up sad thoughts and feelings. Please tell them they cannot "remind" us about our children because we have not forgotten them. And they cannot trigger grief because it never completely leaves us. They cannot hurt us by bringing up thoughts we live with each and every day.

This may not be the way it is for everyone, Ann, but this is how we feel. You speak to millions of people each day, and they trust what you say. You would be doing a great many bereaved parents a service if you mentioned in your column that parents and siblings are honored, touched and warmed when friends and family mention their deceased children. Thank you. — Barbara E. Tuber-Sooy, Contra Costa Chapter, Compassionate Friends, Walnut Creek, Calif.

Dear Barbara: Because you wrote, a great many people are going to feel differently and act accordingly.

You educated millions of readers today. Thank you.

Dear Ann Landers: My husband and I are very friendly with another couple. They are kind and generous people and would give you the shirts off their backs. We love to be with them. The problem is they are the dirtiest people I ever have known. We hate going to their home because it is so filthy. Our church group avoided their offer to host a dinner for this very reason.

Both of these people have college degrees and make very good money. We enjoy their company and want to remain friends, but how can we continue to turn down their dinner invitations? (She LOVES to cook.) So far, we have managed to meet at restaurants, but this ploy won't work much longer. Do you have any suggestions? We need help. — Baltimore Dilemma

Dear Dilemma: Your friends never will be decent housekeepers. They need help. Scout around to find a good cleaning person. Tell your friends that you understand how busy they are and that you know of a wonderful cleaning person. Then give them the name and number.

Lonesome? Take charge of your life and turn it around. Write to receive Ann Landers' booklet "How To Make Friends and Stop Being Lonely." Send a self-addressed, long, business-sized envelope and a check or money order for $4.25 (this includes postage and handling) to: Friends, c/o Ann Landers, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

ANN LANDERS (R)

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