Classic Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers: I married very young and had a daughter. The marriage didn't last. I remarried a few years later, and my second husband adopted "Eleanor." She is now 52 years old and never has asked about her birth father, although I would have been happy to tell her whatever she wanted to know. My ex-husband never wanted anything to do with us. He refused to pay child support, even though it was mandated by the divorce decree. He moved back to his hometown, and that was the last I heard of him.

A few weeks ago, Eleanor told me she needed information about her father's medical history, and I found his address and phone number through the Internet. She telephoned him, and they spoke briefly. It seems he has been remarried for 45 years and has three sons and several grandchildren. He said he never told his children about his first marriage or that he has a grown daughter and asked Eleanor to keep it quiet. She promised to honor his request.

I am upset about this, and Eleanor is deeply hurt that her father wants nothing to do with her, even after all these years. I decided to write to my ex-husband and send him a photograph of Eleanor and her children, along with her phone number. I asked him to please reconsider. We have heard nothing.

Isn't it a shame that on top of rejecting his daughter, he says his sons aren't supposed to know they have a sister? Should I get their addresses and give them to Eleanor or let sleeping dogs lie? — In a Quandary in Colorado

Dear Quandary: This man did not pay any child support and showed zero interest in his daughter while she was growing up.

Dear Ann Landers: My daughter, "Gloria," is 42 years old and divorced. She has been dating a nice man for more than a year. They plan to marry, but he hasn't said when. He says he wants to buy a house but still hasn't done it. Meanwhile, Gloria tells me she doesn't know whether she should move into his place or he should live at hers.

Here's what is confusing me. He says he wants to marry her, but there is no engagement ring. He never has given her a Christmas present, a Valentine's Day gift or anything for her birthday. Every Saturday night, they go out for dinner, and that's it. What do you make of this, Ann? — Concerned Mother in Ohio

Dear Mother: MYOB, and stop encouraging Gloria to pressure the fellow. She is 42 and should be able to evaluate the situation on her own. Some men are gift-minded; others are not. Others are just plain cheap. Gifts are a lovely "extra," but it's how he treats her that counts, and Gloria is the best judge of that.

Lonesome? Take charge of your life and turn it around. Write to receive Ann Landers' booklet "How To Make Friends and Stop Being Lonely." Send a self-addressed, long, business-sized envelope and a check or money order for $4.25 (this includes postage and handling) to: Friends, c/o Ann Landers, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

ANN LANDERS (R)

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