Classic Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers: I am the birth mother of an adult daughter who was born when I was a teenager. For many reasons, a closed adoption was the only viable solution for me. I believed I was giving my child the best life she could have and did not feel conflicted or ambivalent about my decision. I went on with my life and have lived "happily ever after."

Recently, I was contacted by an investigator who said my daughter wanted to meet me. I felt no desire to pursue the relationship but was afraid that if I refused, the investigator would contact my parents, who are both in poor health. I didn't want them to be upset by this turn of events, so I met her. She turned out to be a very nice person, but I have no maternal feelings for her or her two young children. I believe that her adoptive family is her REAL family and that my connection is biological only.

I have told very few people about this, but I DID tell my female therapist, who insists that I am in denial about my maternal feelings and am angry that I was "found." I have searched my soul and do not agree with her. Perhaps most women would feel otherwise, but I want to know what YOU think. — Hunted Down in Texas

Dear Texas: With all due respect to your therapist, I disagree with her assessment. She has no right to tell you how you feel. You sound like a woman who has her head on straight, and I applaud your frank self-appraisal. Go ahead and live your life.

Dear Ann Landers: Recently, my husband and I purchased a car for our 16-year-old daughter. She had to sign a contract — which has various stipulations, including one that says she will lose all rights to the car if she is caught smoking or drinking.

Yesterday I smelled smoke on her breath. She swore that her breath smelled of smoke because she had been kissing her boyfriend. (He smokes.) She insisted that she does not smoke and is upset that I don't believe her. In my heart, I want to believe her, but my head says no. The thought that she would lie to me is more bothersome than the possibility that she is smoking behind my back.

Ann, can the smell of cigarette smoke linger so long on a person's breath that it can be transferred by kissing and still be noticeable 15 to 20 minutes later? Please answer soon. Trust is important to me, and I don't feel that I have that now. — A Worried Mom in Pennsylvania

Dear Pennsylvania Mom: It could be that the scent of cigarette smoke was actually in your daughter's hair or on her clothes, where it would linger until washed. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and put this matter behind you.

Is alcohol ruining your life or the life of a loved one? "Alcoholism: How To Recognize It, How To Deal With It, How To Conquer It" can turn things around. Send a self-addressed, long, business-sized envelope and a check or money order for $3.75 (this includes postage and handling) to: Alcohol, c/o Ann Landers, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

ANN LANDERS (R)

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