Classic Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers: I am 60 and have just been diagnosed with cancer. My problem is my daughter, "Ingrid." She lives in another state and has my only four grandchildren. I went through a nasty divorce a few years back and spent 10 long years alone. Three years ago, a former sweetheart came back into my life. I left the city where Ingrid lived and married the wonderful man. We are very happy.

My daughter did not want me to move away and became extremely hostile when I did. One thing led to another, and we have not seen each other for two years. It was not all my fault, nor was it all hers. We both messed up. When I traveled to her city to visit, hoping to make amends, Ingrid would not let me see my grandchildren. She claimed I was an unfit grandmother because I "abandoned" her and her children. I don't understand how it is possible to abandon a 30-year-old woman with a husband and children. The visit was a disaster. When I returned home, I wrote to Ingrid, begging her to put her anger aside so we could be a family again. She said she could not forgive me for moving away.

When I called last month to tell Ingrid I had been diagnosed with cancer, she said my illness didn't change how she felt, even though she was sorry about it. She talked as if I were a passing acquaintance. This just about broke my heart.

Now I will have surgery without seeing my grandchildren. Like any cancer patient, I am scared of surgery and want to see my daughter before I enter the hospital.

How can I persuade Ingrid to forgive and forget and let us be a family again? Time may be shorter than we think. No matter how much she has hurt me, I am willing to let bygones be bygones, but she is not. Can you help? — Corpus Christi, Texas

Dear Texas: For the moment, focus on getting through your surgery, and do not allow Ingrid's behavior to drag you down. Turn to your husband and friends for affection and warmth, and be grateful for their support. Time may soften Ingrid's bitter and selfish outlook. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, hoping that all will turn out well. Please know you are in my prayers.

Dear Ann Landers: My 50-year-old sweetie and I are going on a long-awaited trip to Hawaii. The problem? He has invited his ex-wife, his grown son, his brother and a friend to join us. My sweetie wants me to bunk with his ex-wife to save money. This is hardly the romantic vacation I envisioned.

Tell me, Ann, am I nuts, or is he? The plane leaves in two months. Please tell me what to do. I am — Aghast in New York

Dear Aghast: If you agree to this, YOU are nuts. Tell him "no deal," and stick to it. P.S. I suggest you let them have their trip to Hawaii and go to the Bahamas instead. It's closer and less "crowded."

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ANN LANDERS (R)

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