Working With People Doesn't Equal Knowing Them by Lindsey Novak on Creators.com

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Working With People Doesn't Equal Knowing Them

Q: I am a sales representative who meets and gets asked out by clients. Since I'm not married, I would like to go, but friends say I should not date clients. I think this is the best way to date because I already know them through work and don't have to worry about anything. Do you agree?

A: People meet, date and marry people they have met through work. Don't, however, let working with a person or meeting a person through a job lull you into a false sense of safety, if you decide to date him or her. Dangerous personalities, sexual sadists and even serial killers can have full-time jobs and no criminal records. Just consider Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, Gary Ridgway, David Parker Ray, Cameron Hooker and more, including those who have never been caught for the many unsolved murders. This doesn't mean you should stop dating; you simply must open your eyes and pay attention to warning signs in a personality, regardless of how much you want to have a relationship with someone special. Mary Ellen O'Toole, Ph.D. and a retired FBI profiler, with writer and co-author Alisa Bowman, offers critical information and practical advice in "Dangerous Instincts: How Gut Feelings Betray Us" so you make wise decisions no matter what your heart or your friends tell you. O'Toole says people are taught to fear strangers, but they are not taught to fear the people they know. Fact: "You are much more likely to be harmed by someone you know than by someone you don't know," says O'Toole. Knowing someone through work does not mean that person is a safe bet to date. There are myths and warnings signs you must abide by, even if the information doesn't fit in with your plans. Of O'Toole's 14 myths, myth 9 is critical for all to know: "Psychopaths don't work in white collar professions." "The white-collar psychopath will charm people initially.

He or she will do this to win over fellow employees and bosses that they eventually manipulate to accomplish their objectives."

"Myth 3: Psychopaths are psychotic. Psychopaths are not crazy — even if some of the crimes they commit are bizarre and heinous." O'Toole states, "People capable of hurting others can look very normal and come across as charming and nonthreatening." Again, this doesn't mean you cannot trust anyone. It means you need to pay attention to the behavior you see, without molding it to what you want or rationalizing it away. People assume they can determine at a glance whether someone is dangerous. Not even the best of the FBI behavioral analysts can do that. They collect information and analyze it before deciding whom a person is and what the person is capable of. What is dangerous is to allow your personal biases to influence the decision.

People also often base their decisions on superficial features: Is the person handsome, beautiful, well-dressed, articulate? It's likely that the investors thought positively of Bernie Madoff in all these areas before turning over their money to him. Don't wait to need to stay away from a person, even if you work together, if that person exhibits any of these traits: impulsivity, inappropriate or out-of-control anger, narcissism, lack of empathy, injustice collecting, objectification of others, blaming others for failures and problems, paranoia, rule-breaking, use of violence, thoughts or fantasies of violence, drug and/or alcohol problems, poor coping skills, equal-opportunity hatred, and thrill-seeking.

You may want to date someone you meet through your job, but skipping your homework could lead to a disaster that you could have avoided. Don't just read "Dangerous Instincts: How Gut Feelings Betray Us," study it. It could save you trouble in the future or even your life.

Email Lindsey Novak at LindseyNovak@yahoo.com with all your workplace questions. She answers all emails. To find out more about Lindsey Novak and to read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

Comments

6 Comments | Post Comment

I would say that you certainly COULD date someone you met through work, but as suggested, don't assume they are "safe", and use all the normal precautions for the first few days -- public places, don't be alone with them, make sure they answer your questions about their family, their past, etc. If they seem dodgy or shady or don't want to talk about themselves, that could be a red flag.

But in addition to that, you should think carefully about what happens to your professional life if you start to date a client, and it ends badly. Could the client be so upset that they badmouth you to your boss? Might they take their business elsewhere? These things are possibilities, so you should make sure you discuss this with potential dates first.

"I like you, and I'd love to go to lunch sometime... but I want to make sure our personal relationship doesn't damage your connection to my company." Something along those lines, anyway.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Feb 24, 2012 7:56 AM

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Really? If you date a client he might be a serial killer? That sounds a little extreme. I think the point is that just because you meet someone through a business connection doesn't make him "safe." There is no safe.

Comment: #2
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Fri Feb 24, 2012 8:11 PM

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I hear you, LouisaFinnell! I think she went WAY off the on a strange tangent with this one. ANY guy you date could be a serial killer but that is not what the LW asked at all. What is her point? Date at work but expect a serial killer. Date outside of work and there's no problem? I don't think the LW was asking for a lecture on serial killers and dating, which is all she got.

She just needs to be more careful at work because, if the relationship sours, it could also cause her to lose business. Date too many clients and she may appear to be sleeping her way to success if she does well, especially in the male-dominated business environment. For many men, there has to be SOME explaination why a woman would do better than them. People usually blame the woman in these situations if something goes wrong (she's a slut!), even if it is not true and the men are let off the hook. It is a sticky situation so she must be careful but, warning her only about serial killers is so far from the norm that is laughable that this was all that was addressed in her answer. There are lots of users and opportunists out there who could not care less if your reputation or job is damaged. Choose wisely and be discreet. Also, take more time to get to know someone that you usually would because this could jeopardize your career if you end up with a vindictive jerk or liar.

Comment: #3
Posted by: Julie
Sat Feb 25, 2012 4:29 PM

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