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Vacationing with the Enemy?
Dear Annie: For several summers, my family has overlapped vacation time with a nice couple we have known for many years. Now I'm not sure I want to keep seeing them.
They bring their two dogs, one of which is high strung and barks constantly. And last year, the husband questioned why we go to church. I like going to Mass with my family, especially in this beautiful small church on the harbor where we vacation. One evening, the four of us stayed up and talked, and I ended up having to defend my more traditional values against his anti-religious and very liberal views.
His first wife was a blonde, and his present wife is a brunette. My wife is a redhead. I'm beginning to think he has designs on her, and that his attempts to start arguments with me mask his true intentions. My wife thinks my suspicions are crazy and is willing to meet up with them regardless of whether I go or not.
The problem is, my opinion on this annual vacation scenario has me coming in a distant fourth. This is our time together, and I don't want it used to please everyone else. What do you say? — Madness in Maine
Dear Maine: We say you are wildly overreacting. This man's anti-religious and liberal viewpoints have nothing to do with your wife. And her hair color is irrelevant. Is he making a play for her? Does he try to get her alone? Does he call, text or visit her without your knowledge? If so, you have cause to worry. Otherwise, we don't see it.
You don't have to please everyone, but you should try to please your wife. If she likes to socialize with this couple, you might make the effort for her sake. Discussions on religion and politics can engender extreme reactions. We strongly recommend you pick other subjects and see whether you have more in common.
Dear Annie: My older sister has the annoying habit of copying my ideas on decorating and style and even my leisurely pursuits and passing them off as her own to friends and family. This puts me in an awkward position when they compliment her on my ideas and assume that I am the one copying her since I am younger.
I would not mind this imitation if she would give me credit when she is complimented, but she never does. This creates some resentment on my part, and as a result, I am now reluctant to share anything with her. How do I handle this without causing hard feelings? — Middle-Aged Sister
Dear Sister: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but it can be plenty irritating. Your sister obviously feels insecure about her own taste, which is why she copies yours. Offer to take her shopping, and help her select something that reflects her own style. And if she is complimented in front of you, it is perfectly OK to correct the misimpression, as long as you are polite. Say sweetly, "Yes, didn't her family room turn out lovely? She used the same design I had in mine."
Dear Annie: I read with interest the letter from "Don't Make Fun of Fat Children," whose widowed uncle is raising two overweight boys. I think you may have missed a critical point. How long ago did the boys' mother pass away?
My father died when I was 14. For weeks after, friends brought food to the house in an effort to comfort the mourners. Well, it comforted me a lot. I ate everything I could get my hands on. I gained an enormous amount of weight, connected food to comfort and struggled with my weight until my early 60s.
After much effort, I have managed to maintain a fairly normal weight for the past eight years. Perhaps those boys would benefit from some enjoyable physical activity, such as bike riding or swimming, instead of focusing on the food. — Kathy
Dear Kathy: You make a good point about food being used for comfort, and we hope the caring aunt who wrote will keep it in mind.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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20 Comments | Post Comment
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For letterwriter one, I wish I knew what he meant when he said that the other fellow 'questioned' why he goes to church and that he ended up defending his beliefs. On one hand it can mean he was being targeted and maliciously attacked for his beliefs, on the other it could be a discussion on religion. A friend once questioned why I don't go to church and I had to defend my reasoning, but it wasn't malicious on either side and both of us left the conversation elightened. I guess there's no real way of knowing.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Popcorn
Sat Aug 7, 2010 9:36 PM
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LW1. The term "question" could mean exactly that...just a question. It's how we find out what makes each other tick. I have plenty of people question me. Some are simply asking questions, wanting me to explain what I believe, and I am happy to share with with them. The belligerent form of "question" is really more of a challenge - where someone pretty much tells you how stupid/ignorant they think you are for having any belief in God at all. That is offensive. Adults ought to be able to have a simple discussion and exchange of ideas without it turning into an attack on either party. Same goes for politics. He doesn't say what the other guy did to leave him with the feeling that he's trying to move in on his wife. He simply jumps from "the dogs are annoying", and the other guy questioned his beliefs, then turned the whole thing into "he's after my wife". Sounds like he's looking for a way to dump them because he took offense during a conversation.
Comment: #2
Posted by: JustMe
Sat Aug 7, 2010 10:35 PM
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LW2: I have 3 sisters and one brother, and at one time or another, we've all copied each other's ideas. Now that each of us has grown children, we just have a larger pool of ideas to choose from. Truth of the matter is it doesn't matter whose idea it was, if it's a good one, we can all enjoy it. How about saying, "I'm so glad you like it. I used the same idea last year at my house." Frankly, though, it comes across as being a tad petty. If you are that serious about bragging rights, carry around dated pictures of your decorating ideas and drag it out at every opportunity.
Comment: #3
Posted by: JustMe
Sat Aug 7, 2010 10:45 PM
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To LW2, I do not recommend following the Annies' advice that you say "sweetly" that your sister's lovely room is based on the same idea you have for your own room. No matter HOW it is said, it shifts the visitor's viewpoint of how they will think of your sister and perhaps cause some of her friends to wonder if there is "animosity" between the two of you. If your sister enjoys your decor so much, she does exactly or nearly exactly the same thing in her own home, you should take that as a compliment. When people are in your own home and they praise your decor, do you say, "Oh, thank you. My sister copies everything I do"? Of course you don't. As JustMe said, you would come across sounding very petty. I think you need to accept that your sister likes and admires your decorating skills, and when someone praises Sis instead of you, smile to yourself and give yourself a mental pat on the back. Look at how many people write to Annie because they have hateful family members or siblings! Your sister may be a little insecure, but I personally think that, with a little effort, you can accept her decorating patterns from your own as a compliment.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Jean
Sat Aug 7, 2010 11:29 PM
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If I were religious (I'm not), and a non-believer asked me why I go to church, I wouldn't bother discussing/defending my religious beliefs. I would simply tell them, "I go to church because it inspires me." Some people are inspired by art, some people are inspired by natural beauty, some are inspired by others overcoming great difficulties...and some are inspired by attending religious services. Every person's source of inspiration and reasons they find it inspiring are unique--and personal.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Bear
Sat Aug 7, 2010 11:51 PM
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Bear, I am religious, and I do sometimes invite my non-church-going friends to join me at church. If they decline, I always say, "That's fine" and I do not try to inflict my beliefs on anyone in any way. In fact, it is a little awkward to discuss religion sometimes, as with politics, because they are very controversial topics. I just wanted to tell you that I liked your reply and your explanation of the different reasons people find inspiration in their lives.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Jean
Sun Aug 8, 2010 12:24 AM
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It's fine to suggest simply avoiding religion and politics as conversational topics, but if LW1 is telling us the truth, the husband from that other couple may have other personality problems or mannerisms that the LW finds annoying. For example, my cousin married a woman who is extremely liberal, and I am conservative. The problem is that she's the one who keeps trying to engage me in debate - leaving me to try and steer the three-way conversation to some other subject. I wish that were the only problem! But when she's not doing that (or trying to start debates with me over Facebook), she's jumping in the middle of conversations between her husband and I, adding things that reveal she doesn't understand what he and I are talking about. It would be easy enough to simply avoid politics, but her other behaviors are annoying, immature, and obnoxious. It sounds to me like LW1 has the same situation with this guy that I do with my cousin-in-law: he's compiled a laundry-list of reasons he doesn't like this individual. He cites the barking dogs, the aggressive & combative personality, the possible designs on his wife...with the political differences being merely the icing on the cake. I think if his wife wants to "hang out" with this couple, he should warn her that the guy has been "eyeing" her, and then tell her that if she wants to visit with them, he is not going.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Matt
Sun Aug 8, 2010 12:31 AM
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It's become a joke between my husband and me about his brother and SIL copying us whenever we get something new. We got an SUV several years ago that was different from theirs, and we sat and listened to her talk about how their SUV, a Chevy, was MUCH better than ours, a Ford. Within 3 months, they had one like ours. Then we bought an acre and built our dream house and nothing would do until they bought 3 acres and built a new house, too. (They already had a nice one with a swimming pool.)
If they got something new and I admired it, she'd tell me that the furniture store had another just like it. Like I'm going to run out and get the exact same table/chairs?
When I was pregnant, they already had two little girls and were telling people they didn't plan to have any more. I told my husband--just wait. If we have a boy, they'll have another one. Sure enough, their son is just over a year younger than ours.
I think if I were the LW and it bothered me that much, I'd do something really drastic and awful, but temporary, like painting the room some really garish color. Maybe some flocked wallpaper. Then when she copies it, change mine to what I really want.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Sun Aug 8, 2010 1:46 AM
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Re: Joannakatherine: that's a great idea, have fun with it, paint a room some garish color, then change it, tell her you've changed it & then don't tell her what you did & don't let her see it for a while, it'll drive her nuts. I don't think it bothers LW much that her sister copies her, its that she pubicly steals her ideas. It mite make the LW seem petty to address the fact that it was her idea in the first place but if she doesn't normally hang out with the same circle of friends, who cares what they think, her sister is lying & I'd call her out on it if it were me. Get an identity sis!! Enough is enough! As for LW1: the dogs alone might be enough reason to drive him nuts with the constant barking & I adore my dogs but I don't take them places where they annoy others. As far as the religion goes, I'd ask my Pastor for some cold hard evidence that his religion is the truth (if he's a Christian) & use it to possibly convert the man. Sounds like he needs it. Sounds to me lik he enjoys argueing so I'd make sure that next time I have the ammo to blow him out of the water!
Comment: #9
Posted by: Crissy
Sun Aug 8, 2010 5:36 AM
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I'm sensing the real reason LW1 is now opposed to this other couple is that he found out they didn't share his more conservative opinions and "values." Now, he's nitpicking their every word and deed looking for more reasons to not associate with them. The bit about the man having designs on his wife because she's a red head makes no sense whatsoever! I'm with Annie, what does her hair color have to do with anything? LW1 needs to face the fact that not everyone is religious or conservative and he should learn to respect other viewpoints in a mature and open-minded manner. Likewise, the other couple should know better than to bring up topics that involve religion or politics as not everyone is liberal or a free-thinker.
LW2 should be flattered that her sister copies her ideas. Her over-sized ego, however, won't allow her to simply stand by and allow her sister to be complimented. Who cares who's idea it was? This behavior is common among siblings; the fact that big sis is inspired by her little sister and feels proud to implement her ideas should be its own reward. LW2 should feel extremely flattered that her sister implement her ideas in such a way that they constantly garner compliments. LW2 doesn't have to claim the credit for her ideas and if she starts to constantly "correct" her sister in front of others she will surely find herself on the outs with big sis in very short order. It's not worth it; let it go.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Chris
Sun Aug 8, 2010 6:14 AM
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I'm sensing the real reason LW1 is now opposed to this other couple is that he found out they didn't share his more conservative opinions and "values." Now, he's nitpicking their every word and deed looking for more reasons to not associate with them. The bit about the man having designs on his wife because she's a red head makes no sense whatsoever! I'm with Annie, what does her hair color have to do with anything? LW1 needs to face the fact that not everyone is religious or conservative and he should learn to respect other viewpoints in a mature and open-minded manner. Likewise, the other couple should know better than to bring up topics that involve religion or politics as not everyone is liberal or a free-thinker.
LW2 should be flattered that her sister copies her ideas. Her over-sized ego, however, won't allow her to simply stand by and allow her sister to be complimented. Who cares who's idea it was? This behavior is common among siblings; the fact that big sis is inspired by her little sister and feels proud to implement her ideas should be its own reward. LW2 should feel extremely flattered that her sister implement her ideas in such a way that they constantly garner compliments. LW2 doesn't have to claim the credit for her ideas and if she starts to constantly "correct" her sister in front of others she will surely find herself on the outs with big sis in very short order. It's not worth it; let it go.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Chris
Sun Aug 8, 2010 6:14 AM
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I'm sensing the real reason LW1 is now opposed to this other couple is that he found out they didn't share his more conservative opinions and "values." Now, he's nitpicking their every word and deed looking for more reasons to not associate with them. The bit about the man having designs on his wife because she's a red head makes no sense whatsoever! I'm with Annie, what does her hair color have to do with anything? LW1 needs to face the fact that not everyone is religious or conservative and he should learn to respect other viewpoints in a mature and open-minded manner. Likewise, the other couple should know better than to bring up topics that involve religion or politics as not everyone is liberal or a free-thinker.
LW2 should be flattered that her sister copies her ideas. Her over-sized ego, however, won't allow her to simply stand by and allow her sister to be complimented. Who cares who's idea it was? This behavior is common among siblings; the fact that big sis is inspired by her little sister and feels proud to implement her ideas should be its own reward. LW2 should feel extremely flattered that her sister implement her ideas in such a way that they constantly garner compliments. LW2 doesn't have to claim the credit for her ideas and if she starts to constantly "correct" her sister in front of others she will surely find herself on the outs with big sis in very short order. It's not worth it; let it go.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Chris
Sun Aug 8, 2010 6:14 AM
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When we moved into our house, the first thing we did was paint the back hallway/mudroom with a chambray look paint, and when people come to the house, we have them sign the walls using colored Sharpie pens. After 10 years, the walls have taken on a life of their own, with all the different colors and at least four different languages. We've got baby hand and foot prints, and some people do little drawings, though most just do their names and the date. There's a hand-drawn mural around the top where it's too high to sign, courtesy of my professional artist cousin.
I can't tell you the number of people who have told me--I'm stealing this idea.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Sun Aug 8, 2010 7:01 AM
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Joannakathryn....I am definitely stealing this idea. And I thank you for it!
Comment: #14
Posted by:
Sun Aug 8, 2010 7:32 AM
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LW#1 - The barking dog alone would be enough to send me over the brink. A really bad barker will bark NONSTOP day and night… once you start noticing, you can't tune it out. Anyone who has never experienced this has not truly lived life to the fullest, IMO. It's a vacation - not a torture chamber. Two nights without sleep and I'm already believing the worst of everyone around me. Also, LW says this vacation is his time with his wife, and he does not want to feel like a "distant fourth". Maybe he and his wife should talk this over, with a counselor, and get past all the speculation. That could be a false clue, or LW could be sensing underlying competitiveness - which his wife may enjoy.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Red Ree
Sun Aug 8, 2010 9:18 AM
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If you don't like some one, limit your time with them.
As for the sisterly rivalry. I wouldn't say anything in response. But if it's that important to you, the next time you have a great idea or redecorate, throw a party. Invite your friends and they will see your home before sis has a chance to copy your idea. If she does, friends will know that it was your idea first. Then perhaps, you can just sit back and appreciate her copying as a compliment. Bask in the idea that you are her inspiration.
Comment: #16
Posted by: jennifer
Sun Aug 8, 2010 9:31 AM
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1: I don't know. I had the impression that by "questioning," he meant the guy was MAKING him defend his religious beliefs; that he was saying he was wrong or misguided in having his particular beliefs. I could be wrong but I do think that's a distinct possibility. My husband and I often had big arguments about our choice in religion with his parents. They couldn't/wouldn't understand our choice and they belittled us. My husband would get so upset he'd get involved in a shouting match with them. We finally decided that the only way we were going to be able to maintain any kind of relationship at all was to stop discussing religion completely. My mil actually changed her religion as a result of the scriptures my husband read to her that pointed out her church's wrong doctrines. But she was so attached to the concept of hell fire that she chose a different religion altogether. But my point is, we did have a loving and amicable relationship AFTER we stopped discussing religion. As others have pointed out for a very long time, don't discuss religion (or politics) if you want to remain friends.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Sun Aug 8, 2010 10:14 AM
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LW1 might do what I do when relatives ask about my religion and politics--I say I don't discuss it with friends because such discussions so often lead to hard feelings. They might arrange for their vacation to overlap with this couple's because the LW's wife enjoys their company, but not more than two or three days, since the LW doesn't. Vacations are supposed to be about rest and relaxation, not about unwanted debates and constantly yapping dogs. I agree with the Annies that, unless the man does something to show he's interested in the LW's wife, the assumption should be that he doesn't have that intention.
Comment: #18
Posted by:
Sun Aug 8, 2010 10:15 AM
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I don't think it matters much why LW1 doesn't care for the other couple (a yappy dog alone would make me want to cut time together) or what went on in the religious debate. The fact is, he's uncomfortable with this couple and their irritating mutt, and would prefer not to spend vacation time with them. His wife should respect this - why would she want him to be miserable on vacation? - and let the two of them opt out gracefully from extended time with these people Either meet them two or three times a year for a nice dinner somewhere, or if they don't live nearby, spend a weekend at a nice hotel near their home and get together with them then.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Linda
Sun Aug 8, 2010 10:45 AM
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I wrote the original letter that LW3 is referring to. I am a cousin, not an aunt, to those boys. Although it was included in my original letter, the time of their mother's passing was edited out. She died when the boys were toddlers.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Zoe
Sun Aug 8, 2010 12:12 PM
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