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Twice a Month He's Gonna Party Like It's 1999
Dear Annie: I have been married to "Horace" for less than a year. This is his second marriage. His prior marriage was to his high school girlfriend, and they have two children together.
I met Horace in my "partying" stage. He, too, enjoyed going to the bars. He actually did it quite a bit when he was married. His ex-wife didn't enjoy going out, so he went with his friends. When I married Horace, I became a stepmother and quickly learned life wasn't about what I wanted anymore. I put Horace and his children first.
We have the kids every other weekend. Horace is a great father who loves to do things with the children when they are with us. But on weekends when we don't have the kids, Horace still likes to go to the bars. He would love it if I went along, but I'm past that stage in my life. I enjoy going out to movies, dinner and such, but the bars don't interest me anymore.
I realize this is only twice a month, but those are the only weekends we have together without the children. I want Horace to be with me, but I don't want to force myself on him. When he asks whether it's OK if he goes to the bars without me, I always say it's fine.
Annie, am I overreacting, or does Horace need to grow up and start being a better husband? If this continues, I don't want to have children with him, as it means I'll be sitting at home with a baby while he's off to the bars with his friends. — Iowa
Dear Iowa: Having children did change Horace's behavior because he doesn't go to the bars while the kids are visiting. That means there is hope he will be more circumspect when you have a child at home all the time. Not every spouse objects to an occasional night out with friends. You need to decide how many such nights you can tolerate and whether Horace has a drinking problem or is prone to cheat. If the two of you cannot reach an agreement, please discuss it with a counselor.
Dear Annie: I just returned from my sister's destination wedding. She didn't invite my teenage children. She arranged for the rest of the family to have free accommodations, but not me, her only sister. This wedding was a huge financial burden, and I also felt insulted.
I recently learned that both of her grown children will be getting married next year — also destination weddings. They again will not be inviting my children, which means finding places for them to stay while I'm out of town.
What is appropriate here? It's obvious the people who can go will be the ones who can afford it. This just doesn't seem fair to me. How should I respond? — Destination Unknown
Dear Destination: You behaved well by attending your sister's inconvenient wedding, but you do not have to impoverish yourself in order to attend the weddings of her children. A bridal couple gets to choose their wedding location. Guests get to RSVP "yes" or "no." We recommend sending your sincere regrets and a nice gift.
Dear Annie: "Worried Hubby" said that he regularly frequents a neighborhood coffee shop, and one particular friend, "Harry," likes to flirt with his wife. You gave him several suggestions for handling this. I have one more:
The next time Harry sits with Hubby's wife, kisses her and puts his arm around her, Hubby should take a photo with his cellphone. Then, when Harry's wife stops by, he should show her the photo, saying how much the two of them enjoy Harry's frequent company. She would be glad to know how friendly her husband is, especially when she is nowhere in sight. Problem solved. — Practical in Wisconsin
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM
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48 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1-
Since these two weekens are the only two of the month that you could have without the children, ask Horance if it wouild be okay that one be for bar-hopping with his friends and one to spend time with you? You could offer to go with him once in a rare while, to please him.
Since he's asking permission before he goes partying, it doesn't look like he being insensitive, and since there is no partying when the kids are home, it doesn't look like he's being immature and selfish either. My geeling here is that you're writing in even before you talked to him and that he doesn,t have a clue this bothers you so much. A calm discussion is long overdue, I think.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Jan 3, 2012 9:21 PM
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LW1 -
"But on weekends when we don't have the kids, Horace still likes to go to the bars. He would love it if I went along, but I'm past that stage in my life. I enjoy going out to movies, dinner and such, but the bars don't interest me anymore."
Honey, you are not the first lady who enjoys different forms of entertainment. It's about compromise and knowing that you don't ALWAYS have to be together. As I see it, you and Horace and two nights and two days, twice a week. Work out a compromise for Pete's sake. Friday night he goes to the bar. Saturday you two go see a movie and have dinner and spend the evening together. Sometimes you can do things with your friends, too. Sometimes you could go to the bar, too, because it's fun to do stuff!
"When he asks whether it's OK if he goes to the bars without me, I always say it's fine."
Have you even talked to him about this? If you don't tell him otherwise, he'll think everything is fine.
"Annie, am I overreacting, or does Horace need to grow up and start being a better husband?"
How exactly is he being a bad husband? Your complaint is that he goes out to bars, which you have "permitted" him to do, a couple times a month when his kids are with their mother...
"If this continues, I don't want to have children with him, as it means I'll be sitting at home with a baby while he's off to the bars with his friends."
Well first of all the guy has two kids already, and you've been married for less than a year, and you're already fussing because he goes out with his buddies. Kids shouldn't even be on your radar at this point. And, girl, he's NOT leaving you with his kids while he parties, is he?? Do you have any reason to think he would shirk his parental responsibilities on you if YOU had a child with him?
Sit down with Horace, tell him you want him to have fun with his friends AND share some of his time with you (when the kids aren't with you both). Find a way to compromise.
LW2 - Don't take it personally that your teenage children are not being invited. This is not uncommon. You sound bitter and resentful. I do not know why. Just decline the invitation, send a card, and get on with your life, already.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Zoe
Tue Jan 3, 2012 9:40 PM
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LW1 - Horace is a guy who likes to go to bars. Even when he's married with kids. You said that yourself; he did it in his last marriage. You have changed, but he has not. I don't think bringing a new baby into this situation is the answer. It didn't work in his last marriage.
LW2 - It was unfair that your sister paid for other guests' accommodations and not yours, but it wasn't required for her to do for anyone. It only shows you where her priorities are. Were other teenage children invited but not yours? If so, that might indicate that your sister and her family don't want you to attend, and rather than not send you an invitation, they just made it a burden for you to come, hoping you would decline. I agree with the Annies. An invitation is not a summons. It's just a request. You can say no and send a gift.
Comment: #3
Posted by: FAW
Tue Jan 3, 2012 9:46 PM
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LW2 - Oh, yeah, you can always send them a gift. A big bulky one. To their destination, that they'll have to ship back. Like a rusty old fridge or something ("it's vintage!").
Just kidding, of course. (maybe).
-----
Off topic, our cat rescue brought in a female yesterday with the biggest hair mat any of us had ever seen. No jokes, it was almost as big and almost as heavy as she is. It was disgusting - started at her shoulders, all the way down one to one of her hind legs. I kind of wanted to keep it, once we shaved it off, to show it to people but DH made me throw it away. Equally disgusting are her ears, yuck. Poor thing is pretty deaf, old, pretty toothless, and skin and bones - but she seems determined to live for at least a little longer!
Comment: #4
Posted by: Zoe
Tue Jan 3, 2012 10:09 PM
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@Zoe - if the hair mat meant that much to you, surely you at least took a picture?
Comment: #5
Posted by: Paul W
Tue Jan 3, 2012 10:18 PM
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LW1 - "That means there is hope he will be more circumspect when you have a child at home all the time." What? Are Annies really advising LW to have a child and HOPE that that will keep her husband from constant partying? What are they smoking? Having children did NOT change Horace. He had two kids, and he still went drinking often enough for his wife to divorce him. He is only staying at home and spends time with the kids because should he go out partying on those weekends, his ex could petition for stripping him of any custody whatsoever.
LW should certainly give counseling a try, but since Horace seems to have been a party animal all throughout this first marriage, she may need to accept the fact that he will be neither willing nor able to change his behavior.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Ariana
Tue Jan 3, 2012 10:18 PM
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LW1 women like you are why men feel cheated by marriage. He likes to go out twice a month to some bars, have a few drinks and kick back. You sound like you turned into an old fuddy duddy the minute you took off your wedding dress. Why do you think it's immature to go out for some drinks? It's the one place kids are not allowed to be so personally, I LOVE BARS. Your idea of being a married grownup sounds boring as hell to me, and I have four kids. And yes, I have left their father home alone with them once in a while while I go to a bar with some girlfriends, what of it? Sadly I don't even remember the last time I did that :-( I think I'll make plans to do it next weekend. Thanks for the reminder to get out of the house and have some fun!
Comment: #7
Posted by: wkh
Tue Jan 3, 2012 10:21 PM
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LW1: Do NOT have a child with this spoiled, drunken brat. Learn from his first wife's mistakes and find yourself a grown man.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Baldrz
Tue Jan 3, 2012 10:40 PM
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LW1: Did everyone miss the part where the husband asks her if this is ok and she says its fine? If she doesn't speak up and tell the husband there's a problem he's going to continue to think this is ok with her. Maybe the problem could be solved by the wife simply saying, "I really wish you'd spend a little less time at the bar and a little more time with me." And besides, if the husband has to compromise then why can't the wife tag along every once in a while? She knew the kind of guy he was when she married him, so if he has to compromise on the things he likes to do then why shouldn't the wife as well?
Comment: #9
Posted by: Krystal
Tue Jan 3, 2012 11:03 PM
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LW1 - I don't think Horace is immature or a spoiled drunken brat. If he was, he'd be going to the bars when his kids were visiting, leaving the LW to look after them. He also wouldn't be asking his wife if she minded if he went with his friends. It just sounds to me like he enjoys having some drinks with his friends. Nothing wrong with that.
But it sounds like the LW hasn't even discussed this with her husband. I don't see anything wrong with asking him to use one of his free weekends with you and say that you would attend the bars with him on some of his "bar' weekends, too. I think it's a fair compromise.
LW2 - I think your sister made her feelings about you clear when she gave all family members free accomodations EXCEPT for you. If you cannot afford to go to your niece/nephew's destination weddings, then simply don't go and send a nice card and gift to them. A wedding is not worth going bankrupt over.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Michelle
Wed Jan 4, 2012 2:27 AM
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LW1--"I want Horace to be with me, but I don't want to force myself on him. When he asks whether it's OK if he goes to the bars without me, I always say it's fine." But clearly it's not fine. Unless 'Horace' includes telepathy among his personal skills and talents, he's under the apparently mistaken impression that you're okay with his meeting up with his friends at the bar on the weekends he's free. I completely disagree with the Annies that Horace's preference to party indicates he has a drinking problem or is prone to cheat. Stereotype much gals? You freely admit that you met Horace during your "partying phase" but since marrying Horace, YOU'VE decided that there are more important things in life like your husband and step-children. You're waiting around home alone every other weekend, frustrated, that your husband hasn't had the same epiphany you had. Here's a radical thought, why not SPEAK to your husband about your feelings. Perhaps he's open-minded to a compromise such as going out to the bar only once a month leaving the other weekend for whatever you'd like to do instead. If Horace isn't amiable to a compromise, then I suggest you tag along with him to the bar. Perhaps you can influence which bar and how late he stays if you're there. Encourage his friends to include their wives and girlfriends too. Going out to the bars is something Horace was very up-front with you about when you met him so it's a bit unfair for you to be silently upset about this facet of him now that the ring is on your finger.
LW2--"I just returned from my sister's destination wedding. She didn't invite my teenage children. This wedding was a huge financial burden, and I also felt insulted." Haven't you ever seen 'Bridezillas'? Your sister had enough on her plate without worrying about her sister's fragile ego and apparent zest for making things about her. Did it occur to you that your sister didn't want ANY children at her lavish destination wedding? Here's a rule of thumb you can use when it comes to deciding whether you should attend destination weddings in the future: if you can't afford to attend, or if you can't bear to cede the spotlight for a one day then you should send your regrets with a lovely card and stay home.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Chris
Wed Jan 4, 2012 3:41 AM
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It sounds to me like lw2's issue is not so much that Horace goes to the bar as it is that she doesn't feel like a priority to him. He stays home for the kids but not her. Perhaps if he spent the occasional evening with her she wouldn't care about the bar. She wants him to want to spend an evening with her, not just feel obligated; she is his wife after all. My ex also liked to go out drinking and then expected me to service him when it was convenient and he is now an ex. He didn't ask if it was ok though so there might be some hope here. She should suggest that they spend an evening together doing what she wants once in a while and see if he can have a good time that doesn't involve drinking. If so they can work this out; if not there are other issues. Married life is about give and take ane they should be able to alternate doing things that each of them wants to do.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Kim
Wed Jan 4, 2012 4:19 AM
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Re: Chris: "Here's a rule of thumb you can use when it comes to deciding whether you should attend destination weddings in the future: if you can't afford to attend, or if you can't bear to cede the spotlight for a one day then you should send your regrets with a lovely card and stay home."
Amen to that. I'd like to add that this really applies to any wedding, doesn't it? If you can't afford it and/or can't give up your spotlight for one day, stay home. Someone else's wedding is NOT your time to shine!
Comment: #13
Posted by: Marriedgal
Wed Jan 4, 2012 5:06 AM
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LW1 - It sounds to me that you need to have this conversation with your husband. When I first got married my husband had some standing things he liked to do with his friends. I didn't want to rock the boat so I always said sure it was okay. But when I finally said I wanted him to spend more of those evenings with him he was surprised. He didn't think it bothered me since I always said okay. We had some other silly issues all because of that. To the folks that say he isn't making her a priority, she isn't making herself a priority every time she has "permitted him" to go when he asks and that is why I am more on his side in this. He wants her to go along. She has the opportunity to spend more time with him and instead of speaking up and telling him what she needs from him; she seems to be just letting things run along writing in here to complain instead. IMHO there seems to be a maturity problem in this marriage and it doesn't seem to be from the husband. He stays home with the kids when they are in the house already; why does she seem to worry that he wouldn't do the same for their child as well? If she is unhappy she needs to grow up and tell him what the problem is. Then they can work this out together or not; because my advice to him would be to run and run far from this little baby who can't handle problems in an adult fashion and talk to her husband.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Paula
Wed Jan 4, 2012 5:18 AM
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Re: Paul W
Of course - I took many! If you wanna see 'em, check out helpcats.ca and click on "Shessa" on the first page.
Re: Ariana
I disagree. You have many many assumptions, including that this cost the breakup with his ex! I would hardly call going out twice a month, and presumably not doing anything irresponsible (LW1 doesn't describe DUIs, stomach pumps, etc) is NOT being a party animal.
Re: Paula
Good comment! I got the same impression that LW1 was young... and/or immature. Not to say she can't work through this, but she should take a minute to reflect. Her letter is both dismissive of herself and selfish. She and her hubby need to talk. A lot, if they are planning more children.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Zoe
Wed Jan 4, 2012 6:34 AM
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re LW1 - I think the LW and the Annies are over-reacting to her husband going to the bar every weekend. Sure, it may not be the most worthwhile way for him to spend his time, but this is something they both did when they met. She probably went to bars to find a man and once she landed one, she stopped. He went to have fun and still considers it to be fun.
From her description, he seems pretty tame - it doesn't seem as if he is going out every night or bar-hopping until the wee hours of the morning and coming home with no recollection of the events from the night before. He seems to be much more like a regular at Cheers, going to the familiar hang-out spot with his friends than someone from "Dude, Where's My Car?" or "The Hangover".
The LW should talk to Horace about her feelings, but she should also look at her own motives and behavior. It is unfair to expect someone to automatically change into someone else just because they got married. Shortly after I married my ex, his sister asked if I was going to throw away this awful sweater vest that he wore constantly and make him stop smoking. I said no to both. He gets to choose his clothes even if I don't like them. I knew he smoked before I married him. I appreciated the fact that he did not smoke in his own house and car he always went outside to smoke, so I just asked him to remember to do the same in our home and cars. I think smoking is unhealthy, but if I accepted the fact that he did it before I said I do, it would have been deceitful of me to try to make him change after we were married.
LW2 - I don't believe that LW2 can't give up the spotlight or is self-centered. I think her feelings were hurt because she felt that her sister slighted her by not arranging for her accomodations as she did for other family members. It probably aslo stung a bit that her sister did not want her children there. I think she realizes that her sister most likely only had limited ability to arrange for family stay for free - most likely she only arranged for parents of the bride and groom and possibly some members of the bridal party. In addition, I am sure she understands that If this was an adults only event, then her children weren't specifically singled out. Kids are not invited to everything. This is why she sucked up her feelings and attended the event, apparently without saying anything to her sister or other family members. Still, she feels how she feels and there is nothing wrong with that as long as she does not use her feelings as an excuse to behave badly. She was writing to the Annies to vent a little and to get advise on how to handle the upcoming invitations.
I also think that she must be a single parent since she made reference to having to find a place for her children to stay while she is out of town. Making such arrangements can be burdensome and difficult, especially since any relatives that she would usually ask will also be planning to attend the destination wedding. In addition, she said that this was a financial burden for her. But she feels torn because she feels obligated to support her family. I think the Annies were right on - they let her know that she is not obligated to attend her two niece's weddings. That was probably all she needed to hear (or see as the case may be) and was a relief for her.
Comment: #16
Posted by: sharnee
Wed Jan 4, 2012 8:05 AM
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LW1: I agree with Paula and Zoe. Also, if LW does not enjoy going to the bar with him, she should plan another activity for the two of them to enjoy together. The husband enjoys going out twice a month; that does not sound excessive to me. I think she should go with him once in a while as well. As others have said, compromise is essential to a happy marriage.
Comment: #17
Posted by: PuaHone
Wed Jan 4, 2012 8:16 AM
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LW1: I agree with Paula and Zoe. Also, if LW does not enjoy going to the bar with him, she should plan another activity for the two of them to enjoy together. The husband enjoys going out twice a month; that does not sound excessive to me. I think she should go with him once in a while as well. As others have said, compromise is essential to a happy marriage.
Comment: #18
Posted by: PuaHone
Wed Jan 4, 2012 8:16 AM
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LW1: If you tell your husband how you feel, perhaps he will see things differently. But he will have to give up what he likes to please you. As it is now, however: he is asking your permission, and you are giving it; you are lying. He only wants to do what you and he did before you got married. He didn't change ... you did. And now you want him to change because you changed. If you expected him to change after you got married, you should have told him so before you got married. How unfair this is to a man who was honest from the beginning. If a man is honest and shows his real self before they get married, a woman has no right to expect him to change and be happy about it after they are married. This is what my ex-wife did to me repeatedly. So much for my being honest.
I suggest you go out with him to the bars, and do what you did before you got married. You mislead him into thinking it was alright with you then, so it's only fair that you give him the wife he thought he was marrying.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Dave Galino
Wed Jan 4, 2012 8:18 AM
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Re: Paula
Couldn't agree with you more! Anyone who says the opposite of what she thinks because she doesn't want to rock the boat gets herself the opposite of what she wants.
THAT will rock HER boat for sure, and eventually his as well, because she'll blow up like Mount Pinatubo at one point, and he'll be totally flabberghasted because, to him, this will come totally out of the blue. The guy is not a mind reader, she has to speak up before it gets to that point.
He asks permission. She's welcome to join, so it's not like he's out trying to score. By her own admission, he's a good father and doesn't go out when the kids are home. Sounds pretty adult to me. Her, on the other hand, is stating the opposite of what she wants, complains because she gets it, and then writes in to an advice columnist instead of sitting down hubby and calmly discussing the situation like a grown-up. SHE sounds immature, not him.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Jan 4, 2012 8:22 AM
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Re: sharnee
"She probably went to bars to find a man and once she landed one, she stopped. He went to have fun and still considers it to be fun. "
I think you just nailed it.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Jan 4, 2012 8:27 AM
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I have a slightly different take. "She probably went to bars to find a man and once she landed one, she stopped." Probably true. And he probably went to bars to find women, and he keeps landing them, too. And that's why he won't stop. The LW doesn't go into why her husband divorced his first wife, but I bet I can guess. You can't make a husband out of a ho.
Comment: #22
Posted by: limniade
Wed Jan 4, 2012 8:38 AM
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Re: D Galino
You're taking it too far in the other direction. People are allowed to change, and people are allowed NOT to change - as long as respect, safety and communication are maintained. LW1 IS allowed to say "I don't really care to go out to bars anymore, how about you go out on Fridays when we don't have the kids, and I'll do something with the girls, and Saturdays will be our night to go out and see a movie and have a nice dinner?"
Demanding that anyone stay the person they were when they married is just as silly as demanding they change the moment the rings go on.
Re: limniade
"And he probably went to bars to find women, and he keeps landing them, too."
Where did you get that impression? LW1 has an open invite, AND he asks her permission. That's not the M.O. of a man out looking to cheat. Add the fact that LW1 did not express any concern over what he's doing (she actually said "going out with his friends"), and there's NOTHING here that suggests infidelity. Doesn't mean he's not doing it, but there is (to me) no reason to think he is.
"And that's why he won't stop."
He "won't stop" because he doesn't know LW1 is bothered by it at all.
"The LW doesn't go into why her husband divorced his first wife, but I bet I can guess. You can't make a husband out of a ho."
Admittedly, this has crossed my mind as well - but again, there is no reason to think that that is the most likely scenario. People divorce for myriad reasons, not just infidelity. And I did not detect any spite or hate for the ex which one would expect if she was a homewrecker. Again, it's possible, I just don't see how you can conclude that it's likely.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Zoe
Wed Jan 4, 2012 8:48 AM
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Re LW#2--------LW has already done her part by attending her sister's wedding when it was a financial burden for her and Sis eased part of the burden for everyone BUT her.
Now if it were me, when the next bout of weddings happen, I would decline and tell Sis 'Sorry, I can't afford to go because we are saving our money for a lovely FAMILY vacation which will be at that same destination but will be one which our whole family can enjoy.'
(I'm not an impartial observer, though, since I think destination weddings are a ploy for getting lots of gifts from the people you invite KNOWING they can't afford to attend, while not having to actually have them at the wedding.)
My niece had a lovely destination wedding in Hawaii at which, of her family, only her parents, who couldn't afford it but also felt an obligation to be there, attended------------------plus about 25 members of new wealthy hubby's very wealthy family. Yes, she married well---------got a really good catch money-wise, starved herself to be under 100 pounds for her wedding "because John really wants me to be thin", and so on. I don't envy her life from now on, thhough, because it will be a struggle to keep him, and I think in the end she'll lose. She will, however, have those lovely photos and movies of a fabulous destination wedding to look at when she's lonely.
Comment: #24
Posted by: jennylee
Wed Jan 4, 2012 9:24 AM
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Re: Zoe
I'm all for compromise. But LW1 wants her husband to change just because she did. That's not compromise. And she's lying to him, saying that it's alright when it isn't in her mind.
He sounds like a nice guy, making some changes based on his responsibility to the kids. He just wants a couple of nights a month of the fun he had before they got married. Not too much to ask, especially since she was all for it before they got married.
Perhaps there is some room for compromise, but she's not going to get it by lying. And it doesn't sound like she wants compromise ... she just wants him to change like she did.
There's no defending a liar's position.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Dave Galino
Wed Jan 4, 2012 9:56 AM
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Zoe: poor Shessa :( She looks like a sweet cat...
Comment: #26
Posted by: Casey
Wed Jan 4, 2012 9:58 AM
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Re: D Galino
Sure. I just don't see what you think will be accomplished by giving the "advice" you gave. Odds are LW1 is in her early to mid 20's, and she's been married less than a year, and probably just doesn't "get it" - that's why she's acting self centered - not because she's purposely plotting to "lie" and mislead. She may well change her tune when she "sees the light" - so facetiously (?) telling her "I suggest you go out with him to the bars... You mislead him into thinking it was alright with you then, so it's only fair that you give him the wife he thought he was marrying" seems, to me, counterproductive.
Re: Casey
She is the SWEETEST cat! Her purs turn on automatically when you walk in the room, and she loves being petted. Must feel sooo good after getting that mat off. It has likely been there for years. Unfortunately she is very smelly... her mat smelled like a barn and her ears smell like dirty old cat ears. We're getting there though!
Comment: #27
Posted by: Zoe
Wed Jan 4, 2012 10:24 AM
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Re: limniade
There is no indication whatsoever that he goes to bar to hunt for a$$. She wouldn't be welcome to join him if he was.
@Zoe
"People are allowed to change, and people are allowed NOT to change - as long as respect, safety and communication are maintained. LW1 IS allowed to say "I don't really care to go out to bars anymore, how about you go out on Fridays when we don't have the kids, and I'll do something with the girls, and Saturdays will be our night to go out and see a movie and have a nice dinner?"
Right on!
Re Shessa
Awwww... Get her to smell sweet and find her good home, the poor baby... I took in one who would have been put down, and he's the swee-test tom-cat you could ever imagine.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Jan 4, 2012 10:56 AM
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Re: Lise
Is he an intact Tom? They are smelly too! Icky boys ;) Ever so sweet often though. I think they are very confident - and those chubby cheeks they get are adorable.
We are working on Shessa. She has a long road before she can go anywhere - she is skin and bones and needs some teeth pulled when she's put on some weight. I also have to get her litter trained. This is all assuming she doesn't have any worse problems like kidney disease or something. She is also very wobbly - could be because we took off a couple pounds of restrictive fur or she could be very arthritic. She may end up spending her retirement with us which is OK :) Just means I wouldn't be able to take in any more fosters because she would put me at the legal limit of 5 cats. Yikes. How did I get here??? LOL
Comment: #29
Posted by: Zoe
Wed Jan 4, 2012 11:02 AM
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Re: Zoe-i am so glad that at least one more homeless cat has found a home. best of luck to you. you may find, as her health improves, that she will start smelling better.
Comment: #30
Posted by: alien07110
Wed Jan 4, 2012 11:03 AM
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Re: limniade
I respect that you have your own life experiences but not everyone that goes to a bar goes there to meet a man/woman to pick up. We have a lot of local bands that provide very good music at our local bars. Several of my friends who don't even drink, and are faithfully married go to the bars to hear their favorite bands. I have a particular martini bar that I like to go to because I like their martinis. The only one bringing into this whole thing the fact of him going to make pickups is you. The letter righter didn't mention infidelity as the reason she doesn't like him going, she wants him to spend more time doing the things she wants to do. She also mentions that the first marriage was to a high school sweetheart and I would bet money that they were too young and that contributed to their divorce, but that is besides the points. I just really wanted to point out that just because he goes to bars doesn't mean he is going to pickup women. If he was I highly doubt he would be trying to get her to go along with him, which the LW stated that he "would love" for her to go along. The LW really needs to have a discussion with her husband and find a reasonable compromise they can both live with.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Paula
Wed Jan 4, 2012 11:22 AM
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Re: Zoe
I have a quick question since it seems you foster cats. I recently adopted my second girl from the local humane society. I strongly suspect that the foster situation did not properly wean her onto solid food. Is there anything you can suggest to get her to eat better. We were having to force feed Science Diet A/C critical care food; but she is at least going for the wet food. I would like to get her interested in kibble since only a wet food diet is so damaging to the teeth. Hermione is a calico kitten.
Thanks.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Paula
Wed Jan 4, 2012 11:27 AM
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Re: Baldrz A drunken, spoiled brat? What have you been drinking? How can you possibly draw this conclusion from someone who goes to a bar twice a month, but first asks his wife if it's ok and she always says "yes"? LOL! Where does it say he was drunk? How does asking to go out with permission make anyone spoiled?
One thing the Annies did miss though is that having children will keep him home all the time. He had children at home all the time in his first marriage, and still went out. But holy cats, the compromise is so simple here. Just ask him to go to the bar one weekend a month and plan a date with you the other. He's not a mind reader.
Comment: #33
Posted by: Jane
Wed Jan 4, 2012 11:54 AM
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Re: Paula
Actually, (permit me to get on my soapbox) wet food is WAY better for cats than dry. If you get a good quality wet food, of course, but IMO the crappiest wet is better than the best dry. Cats in the wild don't drink much water as they get most of the liquid they need from their prey. Many domestic cats live in a state of mild but chronic dehydration and it can be bad for their health (more so for boys, but also girls).
The teeth issue (which is still an issue with dry - think about it, eating chips is not the same as brushing your teeth :)) is easy to solve by offering raw chicken hearts, raw bones, or just by brushing their teeth (not as hard as you might think - I do my four cats in 4 minutes and they COME for it [okay, they come for the treats that follow the brushing, but still - small victories]!)
If she is eating wet food, I suspect she is weaned just fine and simply does not see kibble as food. We've seen many cats like that (or the other way around; they want just kibble and refuse wet food). If your heart is set on kibble, you can make it more palatable to her by mixing a little bit of kibble with a lot of wet food and slowly reversing the ratios - this softens the dry food and gets her used to the flavour and texture slowly. If you do this, be careful to not leave food out for more than 20-30 minutes - bacteria levels in dry are much higher and if exposed to moisture can blossom quite quickly.
If possible, move away from "prescription" foods. You may get the impression that they are better but this is not so - check out the ingredients. The stuff my inlaws feed their cats has POTATOES as the first ingredients but they insist on doing it because it is vet recommended (it's supposed to be a diet food and their cat is still over 12" across when he lies down!). Sometimes it is necessary (for high or low fiber diets, for example) but avoid if possible.
My favourite cat food is Prowl. It's this perfect collision between wet, dry and raw. It's a powder made dehydrated RAW meat and veggies (you can actually identify the pieces). You mix it with water to rehydrate it. I sometimes add an egg. And for each cup of dry powder I make up I add a can of regular wet cat food (it cuts the costs a bit and my cats prefer the mix than the straight up Prowl). Garnish with a couple of raw chicken hearts and you've got some good, good stuff. It costs me about $0.50-$0.75/day to feed each cat with this diet.
Did I even answer your question with all that? Hehe... I hope some of that was helpful. If you have more questions give me a shout at zoe at helpcats dot ca
Comment: #34
Posted by: Zoe
Wed Jan 4, 2012 11:57 AM
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Actually, use zoe at oscatr dot ca is goes to my regular e-mail :)
Comment: #35
Posted by: Zoe
Wed Jan 4, 2012 12:07 PM
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Offended and Insulted are dumb words with regards to advice letters. When I read letters where people write that they're insulted or offended, I picture they're making the same faces that Cinderella's two step-sisters make the moment they realize the glass slipper fits her foot.
Just sayin... :)
Comment: #36
Posted by: texasflower
Wed Jan 4, 2012 12:21 PM
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Hey everybody, did you get that? Do NOT ever say you feel offended or insulted, otherwise texasflower will mock you and fantasize about you making ugly faces.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Zoe
Wed Jan 4, 2012 12:24 PM
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Another option for LW2 is to RSVP regrets and NOT SEND A GIFT. It's actually an appropriate response when you get an invitation from people you hardly know, or with whom you really don't have a relationship. Probably it's a bit extreme, for a sibling, but if LW2 doesn't have a relationship with the sister's niece and nephew, it could be appropriate.
Regardless of what you may hear on bridezilla-centered Web sites, a wedding invitation is not a summons nor is it a bill that must be paid.
Comment: #38
Posted by: R.A.
Wed Jan 4, 2012 2:03 PM
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LW1 -- I agree with everyone who suggested that LW1 needs to tell her husband how she really feels, as it definitely sounds like she hasn't told him what she wants. Having said that, I am willing to bet that:'
1) One of the reasons his first marriage didn't work was because he continually chose nights out with his friends over his wife and children.
2) LW knows this is the case, has probably heard him talk about what a drag the first wife was, blah, blah, blah, so now LW is afraid to tell him what she wants/how she feels because she figures he's just going to tell himself (and his friends, and his NEXT girlfriend) about what a drag his second wife was, blah, blah, blah.
3) Hubby knows LW isn't totally happy with the situation, but he also believes that as long as he asks first, it's OK for him to pretend he's clueless and keep doing what he wants to do with no regard for what his wife wants.
Sure, my husband occasionally does a boys night out, just as I occasionally do a girls night out (in fact, if anything, I would say I do this more often than he does), so it's not that I think there's anything wrong with a husband occasionally wanting a night out at the bar. But there's a difference between OCCASIONALLY, and basically EVERY CHANCE HE CAN GET. Two weekends are already taken up by the kids, which leaves only two other weekends, and he wants to spend those out at the bar EVERY TIME. Seriously, people, it's a bit much.
Yes, LW needs to tell her husband how she really feels and what she really wants, and one hopes that the compromise that's been suggested (one weekend he gets to bar hop, one weekend he spends with his wife) will go over with him, as it's entirely fair. But before we pillory LW for "lying" to her husband, is there anyone who REALLY believes that hubby isn't at least tangentially aware that LW isn't totally happy with the bar hopping? I get that she needs to just tell him straight up what she wants -- but I'd put money on it that he knows she wishes he wouldn't go, but he always "asks her permission" because he knows she will say he can go, and then he figures he's off the hook. I know, that's a LOT of reading into the situation, so I freely admit I could be totally off base on this one, but I'm going to give the male gender some credit for being able to read body language, facial expression, etc. and suggest that few would be totally clueless despite the wife not speaking up.
Comment: #39
Posted by: Lisa
Wed Jan 4, 2012 2:08 PM
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Re: Zoe
No, he is fixed... It's not the cat himself that stinks when he's intact, it's his spoor because he'll spray - smell's close to a skunk's. Pfaw. I find it amazing that the woman bothered to have him fixed since she didn't want him - perhaps the son did it before he dropped the cat at his mother's, never to pick him up again. He is sweet-sweet-sweet, never gets tired of being petted (he was so neglected), lo-o-o-oves being brushed, loves tummy rubs, doens't use his claws, doesn't chew the telephone cord, doesn't scratch his claws on my books, doesn't jump on the piano to wreak havoc on my knick-knacks, eats everything I give him... a purrrfect kitty, I tell you.
When I was retelling this story to a customer/friend of mine, she was telling me of this vet that they know who had a woman come to his practice wanting to put her cat down because he was "too clingy, she just couldn't take it anymore." He told her he wasn't going to put a living animal down because he was too affectionate, and asked why she didn't just give him away. "Well, he's a purebred and I paid a lot of money for it, I'll certainly not let it go for FREE!", she answered indignantly. "Tell you what", he answered, "I'll make you a deal. Intead of the fee to put him down, you pay nothing and *I*'ll take him in." She said okay, as along as he promised never to sell the cat or give him away. The vet told my friend every time he comes home, the cat is waiting in the doorway and just JUMPS into his arms, holding on to his body with his paws, and then jumps on his shoulder and stays there. And all that woman could think about was the money she had paid for him and that nobody should get a freebee out of her! Yrrrrch.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Jan 4, 2012 2:11 PM
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Re: Lisa
I dunno, Lisa... men are notoriously clueless when it comes to read women's body language.
Comment: #41
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Jan 4, 2012 2:14 PM
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@Lise -- There's no doubt that members of both sexes can be incredibly clueless. And there's no doubt that it's harder for a man to accurately read a woman and vice versa (as opposed to reading a member of the same sex), and that the typical gender roles can get in the way of clear communication and clear interpretation. But I think some people like to "pretend" to be clueless when they really know what's going on. Again, I'm reading WAY MORE into this than I should -- there really isn't nearly enough info for me to be saying any of this with certainty. But it's definitely one possibility. I'm honestly not sure why, but I just have a feeling that hubby knows LW isn't really happy with all of this, but it's just so much more convenient to act clueless.
That said, LW needs to woman up and say what she wants. Either hubby will agree to the compromise, and the problem is solved, or he won't -- and then they both have some tough decisions to make.
Comment: #42
Posted by: Lisa
Wed Jan 4, 2012 3:00 PM
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Re: Lise B.
Sounds like he's a wonderful boy! I WISH my cats were too clingy. They are very nice cats but when you have four they tend to have a lot of cat business to do. I would love for them to sleep on my face! Oh well, my bird is plenty clingy, I suppose :)
Good on that vet for refusing to put that cat down. I think more and more vets and refusing to do things they disagree with and I think that's great.
A couple weeks ago I had a conversation with an asinine woman who was telling me proudly that her parents (in another province) were paying for her new cat because they kept the cat she had when she lived with them and she spent a lot of money having all four paws declawed. When I gave her a look she explained that she had just purchased expensive leather couches and I QUOTE "I compared the lifetime of the cat versus how long I'd have the couches". I asked her "and the couches were more important, then?" and I think she clued in then to how ridiculous she sounded. Some people...
Comment: #43
Posted by: Zoe
Wed Jan 4, 2012 3:26 PM
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Re: Lisa
Actually there have been recent studies showing that men and women were remarkably off-kilter as to how to interpret facial expressions and body language of the opposite gender, and actuallly perceived opposite meanings of the ones sent.
Personally, I've seen so many men who just don't get even when you spell it out that I would bet my money on him not having the foggiest idea.
@Zoe
She's not even accurate in her calculations. Most people nowadays don't keep their couches for 18 years, which is the average my cats have lived so far. But then, she probably discards her cats even faster than her couches the minute there is a problem.
Comment: #44
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Jan 4, 2012 4:33 PM
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@ Lise Brouillette
"I've seen so many men who just don't get even when you spell it out that I would bet my money on him not having the foggiest idea."
Yeah, this man is sooooo clueless; especially when his wife REMAINS SILENT and even TELLS her husband that his going out is perfectly fine with her. Meanwhile, she bemoans to the Annies (and probably anyone of her girlfriends who is within earshot) about how *he just so totally doesn't get it!!!* Is it not bad enough that many women today treat men like Neanderthals that barely manage to make it out of bed in the morning without a woman's guiding hand that they are expected to be mind readers too? Geesh! Straight men are damned if they do and damned if they don't. It makes me wonder why many even bother at all... One of these days, men will pack it up and return to Mars leaving the vastly superior women-folk to kill their own bugs, open their own pickle jars and mow their own lawns. It's already scientifically possible for women to produce their own offspring (clones of themselves) via parthenogenesis (a process referred to as thelytoky) so as soon as that procedure is perfected it's good riddance to all the men, right ladies?
P.S. Before you fly off the handle let me be the first to inform you that this post was made with tongue firmly planted in cheek. ;-P
Comment: #45
Posted by: Chris
Wed Jan 4, 2012 5:44 PM
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LW1: Are you and Horace going to have kids? Doesn't seem like he has any interest in you or future kids. However, since he would like you to go out with him, try to compromise. Out of his two weekends, go with him one weekend, and ask him to spend the other weekend doing what you like, or something you both enjoy. He might truly be oblivious to the fact that you are being neglected. Show him this letter, or have a serious talk with him, about how this marriage doesn't seem to involve you very much, and if he wants to stay married, he should act like it. Don't change him so much that he resents being at home. Going out once a month should be enough, as opposed to twice. After all, you spend 2 weekends a month with his kids.
LW3: THing is, I doubt Harry's wife stops by. He should just tell his wife to cool it, and stop going to that coffeeshop. There's a Starbucks on every corner, fer chrissake!
Comment: #46
Posted by: Salty
Wed Jan 4, 2012 5:57 PM
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re: Salty / LW3:
The original letter writer DID say Harry's wife stopped by, and that Harry was the picture of propriety when she was there, hence LW3's response.
re: Zoe/Lise etc. LW1:
Of course people are allowed to change after getting married - it's called "growing apart"
Comment: #47
Posted by: Steve C
Thu Jan 5, 2012 11:50 PM
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LW3
That is a newfangled way to deal with Harry's solecism – it would certainly take him down a peg or two.
```
Comment: #48
Posted by: Word A Day Mate
Sat Jan 14, 2012 9:32 AM
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