Recently
Hands Are Tied when a Messed-Up Child Is a Legal Adult
Dear Annie: My 20-year-old nephew has been a troubled youth, despite all the attempts of his family to help him, including counseling and rehab. When he was 18, he became involved with a messed-up 14-year-old girl who used drugs, alcohol and sex to …Read more.
Damaging Favoritism Amid Broken Boundaries
Dear Annie: I have two daughters, ages 5 and 2. My in-laws favor the older girl. They buy her more presents, give her more money and pay way more attention to her than to her sister. They almost seem obsessed with her. As soon as she walks in the …Read more.
Ex Con on the Straight and Narrow Canned
Dear Annie: After eight years at my job, I was let go. I have a felony record. The CEO who knew of my background retired last year. He felt I had proved myself and had no problem with me. When he retired, we got an interim CEO. I told him about my …Read more.
Equal Parts Heart Over Equal Parts Money
Dear Annie: My husband and I work comparable hours, but I earn less than half of what he does and have little discretionary income. I come home to my "second shift," which includes cooking, cleaning and picking up after this man, who …Read more.
more articles
|
To the IRS, an Arm and a Leg
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 20 years. He was a drinker when I met him, but of course, I was young and naive and thought I could change him. When I couldn't, I decided to join him.
We had two children, and because of our drinking, the children were taken away from us for two months. If we wanted them back, one of the conditions was to go through an alcohol treatment program and attend AA. We both did this and were sober for three wonderful years, during which time we had a third child.
The problem is, my husband got a job in a different city and started drinking again. Things have gone downhill ever since. We tell him often that he drinks too much and needs to get help, but he doesn't see it. When he is drunk, he repeats himself over and over and causes drama with everyone around him. He yells at our adult children and is angry that he can no longer control their lives.
It seems he only cares about himself. He is not remorseful when he sobers up and instead sulks for days and stops speaking to everyone. I don't know how to help him. I know that I don't want to be with him anymore unless he changes. Any advice? — Confused in S.D.
Dear Confused: It's likely that your husband's work relocation uprooted the support system he had in place that helped him stay sober. Also, if he was a drinker when you met him, there could be a genetic component to his alcohol problem. Please contact Al-Anon (al-anon.alateen.org) at 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) and ask for help.
Dear Annie: I work at a nursing home. I love my job, and my co-workers are the best. However, some of the other employees bring their children to work with them. Aside from the inappropriateness of having children at a nursing home all day, it is unfair to the rest of us because these children bother us constantly with questions about what we are doing.
Some of these parents make decent money and should be able to afford day care or a babysitter. I know one woman has relatives her kids could stay with during the day, but she brings them anyway.
I like to have peace and quiet at work and don't want to have to worry about a child running around. Nursing homes are for the care of elderly people and are not day care centers for children. What can I do? — Concerned Employee at a Nursing Home
Dear Employee: While we sympathize with parents who have difficulty finding day care for their children, nursing homes are not an appropriate alternative. The staff dispenses medications and handles other items that could be dangerous to youngsters, not to mention the possibility of children tripping up the residents. Talk to human resources and find out what the policy is and ask that it be enforced.
Dear Annie: Having recently thought about changing my will, I was delighted by the brilliant though unintentional suggestion of "J.P. in N.H." that I physically divide my actual body parts — as opposed to my cremated remains — amongst my friends and relatives upon my death. What a splendid idea!
My head goes to my dad, who always said I would lose it if it hadn't been bolted on. My heart goes to my high school sweetheart. My liver goes to my older sister, the tippler, who declares she could use a spare. My lungs to my younger sister, "the quiet one," so she can keep up in the heated debates at the family reunion. My spleen I send to my younger brother, so now he will have two to vent. And of course to the IRS, I bequeath an arm and a leg. — J.P. in La.
Dear J.P.: Let us know who gets your sense of humor.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
|
 |
Comments
|
24 Comments | Post Comment
|
|
To "Confused" -- your husband has made his choice. It's time to make yours.
The truth is that he has changed, and is not a man you love in his current state. What's more, my impression from your letter is that your kids are grown. This gives you more choices than you had in the past. It's time to face facts and make a choice between a horrible life being "faithful" to this addicted, unpleasant, controlling, angry, brooding, pouting shadow of a man, or the possibility of a good life for yourself apart from him.
You need to give him an ultimatum. He can NOT control alcohol or use it casually, and you've realized by now I think that you can NOT fix him. If he doesn't stop drinking again, you're walking. Then enforce it. You do NOT need to put up with his abuse. Alcohol is addictive, but please do not allow his addiction to ruin your life.
Comment: #1
Posted by: sarah morrow
Wed Aug 18, 2010 10:54 PM
|
|
|
|
In response to Concerned Employee, were I understand your frustration I disagree with you. My mom was a CNA when I was growing up and the highlight of my day was going to her work and visiting the elderly. They loved to see me there and we would play cards, have lunch, watch the soaps or just hang out. There are a lot of elderly that are stuffed in homes and forgotten about. I was about 7 or 8 when I started to visit and I don't feel it was an unsafe environment. The med cart's were always locked and yes there were the unruly one's that would throw food or mess but my mom always kept me away from the one's like that. I think if they are old enough and responsible enough then let them be. It might irritate you but think of the elderly they are cheering up, if they ask questions just remember they are wanting to learn what your doing. Take it from me, I grew up to be a Home Health Aide taking care of the elderly cause I loved it so much as a child. Go easy on the kids...
Comment: #2
Posted by: Aubree
Thu Aug 19, 2010 12:09 AM
|
|
|
|
To Concerned Employee, you need to make a beeline to the CEO or topmost manager or head doctor at your workplace. I'm puzzled that the employees who make a habit of bringing their young children (I assume teens are able to stay home alone when Mom or Dad is working) have not already been given a directive from the manager or supervisor that keeping their kids there during a 4 or 8-hour shift is entirely unacceptable. To Aubree, I'm glad you had a good mother and a positive experience as a child, but nursing homes are actually hospitals with a different name. Almost every hospital has rules about visitors and exclude children under 12 or 14, and for a good reason. Kids can be very disruptive. A nursing home or hospital needs to have a quiet environment. Ill and elderly people need their rest, often they sleep during the day. Some kids can get traumatized if there is a cardiac or other emergency happening in a room they happen to be passing. What if some employees are using the crash cart and some curious kid walks in, says "What's that?" and touched the equipment or the body while the machine is in use? Of course, it would be rare, yet let's suppose the child causes a person's death? The nursing home would be liable for a huge lawsuit, and naturally the loved ones of the person would be devastated. If it's "take your kid to work day", I say fine, do it. But one time. Unless you are self-employed or are the boss or owner of your own business, your kids DO NOT belong at work with you all day and they certainly do not belong in a care home or hospital environment, even if the medicine and sharp instruments are locked up. These kids are "asking questions" also, which means they are bothering people doing serious work. Nurses make mistakes on medicines because they're human, they don't need a pestering child distracting them while they are busy. It's time for the top brass at this nursing home to make firm and clear rules against allowing employees to use their workplace as a built-in babysitter.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Jean
Thu Aug 19, 2010 1:20 AM
|
|
|
|
@Aubree Your childhood memories of visiting the nursing home to visit and play games with the elderly is heartwarming; unfortunately, children today aren't of the same stock as you. The children I encounter are loud, unruly, and have no manners whatsoever. Many throw a screaming fit when they don't get their way. They pester adults, use foul language, and don't pick up after themselves. I don't know if it's all the meds they all seem to be on for hyperactivity, depression, or ADH; the video games and cell phones they all pecking away at, or whether it's their parents complete and utter lack of parenting skills. I hate to generalize as I know not all children behave this way but sometimes I have to wonder! I shouldn't be forced to put up with other people's "little angels" running around my workplace all day and you shouldn't have to put up with them either. I'd contact HR and if you hit a brick wall there, keep climbing the ladder until you find someone with some common sense. I agree with the Annies: a nursing home is not a day care facility.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Chris
Thu Aug 19, 2010 4:23 AM
|
|
|
|
I work in Human Resources for a company that owns nursing homes and this is a problem we encounter regularly. Aubree, it is wonderful that you had such a good experience with your mom, and yes, oftentimes children do provide some joy for the residents in our care. It is absolutely inappropriate for these employees to be bringing their children to work, for a variety of reasons. This is a business, and our business is giving safe quality care to the residents who live with us. We are bound by safety and HIPPA regulations and having non-employees hanging around all day is a possible violation of those laws, as well as a distraction for the employees whose job it is to give 100% of their attention to caring for our residents. While you may have been a very well-behaved 7 year old, the fact remains that your mother's attention could not have been on her job, if it was also on watching you and making sure you stayed safe and were behaving. This is a problem in many nursing homes and my company created a policy just for this purpose.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Melissa
Thu Aug 19, 2010 6:26 AM
|
|
|
|
LW2: LOL! I think we ALL get your sense of humor.
Comment: #6
Posted by: limniade
Thu Aug 19, 2010 6:33 AM
|
|
|
|
Melissa, it is HIPAA....not HIPPA, common mistake everybody does. ----
LW1 - Divorce his butt, he needs to hit rockbottom and crawl up on hi s own, only way it will work now. I suspect I may have to do the same one day. My husband is a functioning alcoholic and drinks 8-12 beers every night after he gets home from work (they are light beers so he thinks it is okay because of that, really warped thinking since they are only 1% less in alcohol in the brand he drinks from regular). He is self-medicating for chronic depression and anxiety syndrome, really fun to live with at times. But one day will most likely take my own advice unless cirrhosis or liver cancer doesn't kill him first.
LW2- contant HR or adminstration, I can see kids 8+ if they are well-behaved, helpful, etc, but kids that get into things, pester, cause problems, no, they need to go. As for them having relatives the kids could stay with, it is possible the relatives don't want to watch the kids, especially for free since it is obviously they don't want to pay for a babysitter.
Comment: #7
Posted by: L
Thu Aug 19, 2010 6:55 AM
|
|
|
|
Sorry, mis-type on the HIPAA--I am waiting for spell check to be smart enough to catch acronyms:)
However, I must disagree with you--the age and maturity of the child is immaterial. Nursing homes are homes for the residents, but they are workplaces for the employees. As an employer, I want my employees to be 100% focused on work, not on their children. And if they do ignore the children to focus on work, then that means some other employee is forced to watch the children. The only place it is appropriate to bring your child to work is if you work in a school or a day care center, otherwise, make other arrangements for their care. I hate to sound so hard line on this, but it has been a problem for us and I feel very strongly about it.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Melissa
Thu Aug 19, 2010 7:04 AM
|
|
|
|
L, it is HIPAA and stands for the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act. I work for an insurance company and we deal with HIPAA everyday.
Betsy
Comment: #9
Posted by: Betsy
Thu Aug 19, 2010 7:20 AM
|
|
|
|
Re: Melissa - Barva Melissa. I was going to say the same thing. Work is work - not day care.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Rick
Thu Aug 19, 2010 7:30 AM
|
|
|
|
Im shocked it is legal to bring a kid to a job every day or even once in a while other than actual "bring your kid to work day". If the kid gets hurt there, its a possible lawsuit right?? This is bizarre, never thought it was legal.... ???
Comment: #11
Posted by: julie
Thu Aug 19, 2010 7:35 AM
|
|
|
|
Also, in a hospital or nursing home setting?? Major liability if the kid eats or drinks some meds or gets harassed, messed with by a patient. Im so surprised any manager would allow this, In theory its great to bring kids in to visit the elders but in todays world it shocks me that its even contemplated??
Comment: #12
Posted by: julie
Thu Aug 19, 2010 7:38 AM
|
|
|
|
Aubree -- there is a difference between a child "visiting" the nursing home occasionally for an hour or two, and a child being brought to the nursing home all day long while Mom or Dad works there. And there is also a difference between a parent bringing a child to work once in a blue moon because of some sort of emergency, and bringing that child to work EVERY DAY. For me, it's not an issue of age, maturity, or whether "kids today aren't as well behaved" (something I don't buy into, since this has been said by older generations of younger generations for EONS). I don't care if your child is the most perfectly well-behaved child on the face of the Earth, there's no way your child is NOT a distraction (albeit sometimes a welcome one, I'm sure) to all of the other employees there. This is true in ANY workplace, not just nursing homes -- but in nursing homes, there is even more at stake given the health and safety issues. I work in a very small office with just five other workers. For years, my boss' two children would come to the office EVERY DAY after school (and ALL DAY during the summer and days off from school). By and large, the kids were well behaved, but they were ALWAYS a distraction for my boss and the rest of the staff. As he was the boss (and owner of the small company, so no HR and no boss above him), there was no way for any of us to address the problem. We had to wait until the kids were old enough to take care of themselves. I was probably as excited when my boss' son turned 16 as the boy was.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Aug 19, 2010 7:45 AM
|
|
|
|
I'm thinking it's time to approach HR and suggest that a daycare center be added to the facility so that the children of employees are segregated from the "workplace" area of the nursing home. Besides all the other very good observations made above, there's the old adage that says "Children share everything." That "everything" is germs. Anyone with a child in daycare knows exactly what I'm saying; if one child contacts an illness, generally all the children eventually contract it - and share it with other family members who, in turn, become ill. It would indeed be a tragedy if some common childhood illness were to be "shared" with an elderly person with a compromised immune system and as a result cause that person to become extremely ill or to die. If these employees MUST bring their children to work and this nursing home is permitting it, then the nursing home should provide free or subsidized daycare for those children - in an area away from residents.
Comment: #14
Posted by: graham072442
Thu Aug 19, 2010 7:56 AM
|
|
|
|
L.A. Graham--excellent point on the contagion issue. Illnesses that are common and easy to treat in children are not to easy to treat in the elderly, and it will be the nursing facility that is liable if we fail to take proper precations to safeguard our residents from disease, as well as it is expensive and time-consuming for us to treat these preventable illnesses.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Melissa
Thu Aug 19, 2010 8:18 AM
|
|
|
|
*to easy to treat, should be AS easy to treat.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Melissa
Thu Aug 19, 2010 8:29 AM
|
|
|
|
Agreed, a nursing home is not appropriate for children. However, in a family business, there are real positives to having children included and planned for. We are a small family business, and my kids were here after school and summers from about age 6 on, and my youngest son and two grandsons were here as babies as well. We explained to employees that their job would include the kids (but not in hazardous areas), and that was a screening factor in our hires. Occasionally we would have employees' children in emergency situations, and they had to understand that they were absolutely required to obey any adult. One of my current crew is the daughter of an employee who has been here since she was 16. Our own kids were also taught that they were to obey all of our crew. They always worked, within the limits of their capabilities (which were surprising sometimes). They never wondered what Mom and Dad did all day! In earlier times, most kids worked along with their parents, and it can be an irreplaceable educational experience, both in actual business skills but in the attention they got from us and our staff.
The other day my older daughter referred me to the website of her workplace as they had added her to their staff profiles--hers mentions that she had managed her dad's office from the age of 14. One of her previous employers once told me that he was amazed at what she could do just out of college, and he paid her twice what he paid most others because she produced twice as much.
Comment: #17
Posted by: LINDEN MALKI
Thu Aug 19, 2010 9:24 AM
|
|
|
|
Linden -- it's great that you and your family had such a good experience with your children at your family business. Of course, for a business that really is a family business, that makes a whole lot more sense than other businesses. I'm the one who mentioned having a boss who brought his children to work and said it was a problem. I might have appreciated being warned in the interviewing process that his kids were going to be there all the time. The business we were in was such that there was literally nothing his kids could have done to help out (not even filing -- something I helped out with at my own father's business one summer). And it was not a business he had any intention of passing along to his family (indeed, he has long since sold it to a much larger corporation). But here's some food for thought for others thinking about taking their kids to work, and in particular telling them they have to "obey any adult..." let's just hope all of those adults can be trusted with your kids.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Aug 19, 2010 10:02 AM
|
|
|
|
JP in LA, not only did I "get" and enjoyed your humor, I laughed my fanny off...got an extra one to will to me? (grin)
Comment: #19
Posted by: Jean
Thu Aug 19, 2010 11:35 AM
|
|
|
|
Concerned: I am glad a few people mentioned germs around the elderly. Anyone who had small children realize they are little, walking germ factories. They put their hands in their months, then maybe on the floor or touch everything and everyone. That is just kids. My husband and I had colds and flu all season long when the kids as well as nieces and nephews were young. Our illnesses stopped when the kids grew up. If I was a family member I would have spoken to the management regarding children bringing colds and other germs (head nits are a big problem in schools these days for some reason. Uck!) Old people have enough to do just fighting to keep alive much less fighting the little ones germs and colds. This should be stopped immediately. Contact the ombudsman for this place and let them go to the management if you don't want to start a row with co-workers and management.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Mandy
Thu Aug 19, 2010 12:07 PM
|
|
|
|
Concerned Employee shouldn't have to be writing a letter like this. Where in the world are the managers and administrators of this facility? Are they turning a blind eye to this, or are they guilty of bringing their children to work? If the situation the LW describes has been ongoing with no response from management on site, I would suggest Concerned Employee do a couple of things: notify a human resources manager or an administrator atcorporate office, if the facility has one, of the situation OR call the state regulatory agency (Department of Health & Hospitals) responsible for ensuring long term care facilities are complying with regulatory requirements and make a complaint. The residents of the facility and their families could also make their complaints regarding the situation, if they have any, known.
It sounds to me as if some selfish, unprofessional people are engaging in inappropriate behavior & their superivsors are enabling them to do so.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Lucy Ray
Thu Aug 19, 2010 1:51 PM
|
|
|
|
Re: Mandy Glad you mentioned about the germs. When my father was in assisted living and I would go to the doctor for a sore throat, the doctor would tell me I could be back at work the next day, but wait two or three days before going to see Dad, just to be safe. Apparently what is considered noncontagious around basicly healthy people is not necessarily safe enough around frail elderly people.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Elizabeth
Thu Aug 19, 2010 4:51 PM
|
|
|
|
LW2 - I agree that she needs to go to HR about that. I used to work with a husband and a wife and they would bring their children to the office after school and all day during the summer. They couldn't "afford" daycare. They could afford cigarettes, beer and joints, though. Anyway, these kids would run around the office, go through people's desks when they weren't at them, eat other's food out of the fridge and throw very loud temper tantrums that made it impossible to make a phone call. There were so many complaints to HR that they finally told the parents the kids weren't allowed in anymore.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Michelle
Fri Aug 20, 2010 10:19 AM
|
|
|
|
LW1 - Everything Sarah Morrow said, and then some. Even Robert Downey Jr.'s current wife told him when they were dating, you slip even once and I'm out of here - a VERY reasonable ultimatum for any loved one of an addict to issue, IMHO (yes, I know Downey was into harder drugs, but it's still just as applicable when dealing with any other addiction) - and even AA acknowledges alcoholism is a disease of selfishness.
There are biochemical reactions some people have to alcohol that pretty much mean they can never have a drop, no matter how much they delude themselves into believing they can. LW1's husband sounds like he's deluded himself pretty deeply, and it not only will cost him in some way, it SHOULD as he knew better, and it already almost cost him his children once.
It sounds like the LW's husband isn't going to respond to anything less than allowing him to fall hard on his bottom, and by then it will probably still be too late. He sounds destructive.
LW2 - Definitely escalate this to HR or whoever will handle this responsibly. Everyone's brought up excellent points about why it's insane to bring children in while working for nursing home and I really can't add on any more.
Comment: #24
Posted by: PS
Fri Aug 20, 2010 12:32 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
