Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

RE the dogs barking. The simplest and easiest is to call your local PD to ask about the dog barking ordinance and what to do when it is out of control. They will offer you the legalese information and also the chance to as questions and then file a complaint. JUST DO IT. When you don't, your neighbors presume you are O.K. with their barking. My sister is one who says "Well, they don't bother me." Yeah, she has the tickets to prove how neglectful she is about the barking and the leash ordinance.
Social civility is not only your right but your responsibility to respond legally if it repeatedly violated. If the neighbors decided your yard would be the place they dumped your trash at--or drive on your yard--same thing. When your neighbors are the bullies, there is action to be taken. Local PD phone number.
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To the dude who has self questioned having affairs, so far his choice answer was NO. As the Annies said, try the counseling your wife asked for. Good place for you to get out in the open your reasons where your wife could talk about it too. You don't say you have children, but when you think what the body has gone through for pregnancies--approximately 30-40 pounds--think what your body would do if say 5 children to the family had you 200 extra pound gain without the body responding to OK LET'S NOT EAT FOR 6 MONTHS and see where that goes. NO WHERE. I nursed my babies for 18 months. I could tell the extra 500 calories used daily helped with my weight and keeping it down. But after those babies were health issues and the quick to slam you with medications that had your fat cells golf ball sized--and made a permanent memory of them. I myself am a small eater--an average apple takes me 2 snacks to eat. A cup of soup is indeed--that 6 ounce cup of soup. Cooked oatmeal for breakfast is about 3/4 cup. Etc, etc. And my struggle of weight has the steroid attachment that will never go. Doesn't matter how many weight loss shows you watch, you never see the people who are obese with health issues on them. It used to be all arthritics were given steroids. Hopped up their bodies to the diabetic level very quickly. Boy, what an added bonus. Then add on the heart issues that tag that--CHF, heart attacks and strokes can be the result. Yet, I swim 3 x a week to tokenly get a potato once a week. No friend foods, no bread, lean protein.
I was a lean 115 pounds until age 24, first steroids on board for 1 year and finding myself at 130, stopped taking them. But the memory that cells do, had already done the damage. By age 40, the questions of what was going on with my health could not be answered, but scripts were plentiful--and now at 15 years later, we know they were the worst for medical issues, added another 40 lbs on. And I still eat like I did at 115. My bedtime snack just now was a glass of milk and a head of lettuce, peeled layer by layer for crunch factor. had my 2 apples already today, or that would have been at bedtime.
You lost weight. Men loose weight quicker and easier. The amount of estrogen in the body protects the female from the weight loss and creates the fight. Many weight loss substances for women include changing hormones--adding more male hormones. And our estrogen is so engrained in our fat cells. Always on task for 'the next baby'. The way we were made. This is no excuse, just an explaination. And why we must watch what we consume. And hope our children don't suffer a worse fate that we have.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if as Zagar and Evans wrote ( in 1964 but became a recorded pop hit in 1969) about the song IN THE YEAR 2525. Pills for everything, no weight issues, etc.

LW1: Frankly your letter made me shake my head. How dare you assume that only minority or immigrant families would require help with their children after school! And how dare you assume that everybody that is "minority and immigrant" are also automatically low income? And do you run a credit report on the kids coming in the door to determine that they are "affluent"?

Who are you to JUDGE!? You need to learn the meaning of the old saying you can't judge a book by it's cover, sweetie, because in this economy poverty comes in all shapes colors and sizes.

LW2: You say that you have a good marriage, then proceed to rip your wife apart. If that's a "good" marriage, then you can have it. The Annies are right, your letter dripped with resentment and you need some type of help. If you are that unhapppy in your marriage, why wait to have an affair to leave it? You seem to want the best of both worlds.

LW1-
Do talk to the administrators, regarding -
a) What happened to make the demographic shift abruptly? Things like that don't happen without a reason.
b) What criterion has been used to make these kids eligible to the centre's services? These didn't just mosey in, they had to register.

Don't assume that because they come from affluent families that they're not in need of help. Their parents have money, not them, and neglect comes in all sizes and colours. Like the Annies said, if the original children are not being pushed out by these new ones, then consider you're just spreading the good will.

LW2-
A man is not automatically a selfish jerk because he is repelled by his wife obesity - we all have things that turn us off and we have no control over any of them. Contrary to a woman, the fact that he's turned off makes it impossible for him to perform - he can't fake it or just endure it for the sake of peace.

There is also the fact that grooming and hygiene can be a problem for obese people, because some places become almost inaccessible. It's possible that she's not as scrupulous as she could be, possibly because of the health issues. It's also possible that she is not aware that she would need to put more effort into it. That wouldn't be much of a turn-on.

Yes, do try counselling. If she's the one suggesting it, then you'll have no problem getting her to go. Let's hope you'll find a therapist who will see the use of urging her to lose weight, if only for the sake of her health, and let's hope that she'll listen.

In this economy there are a lot of families that need more help. I would like to add that although I am white, my family does not make much money and we cannot afford preschool. I work very hard with my girl and she knows as much as most 5 year olds. The effort you put in as a parent has nothing to do with how much money you make.

Re: nanchan

Agreed, I'm actually curious about how she knows (or what she considers) "affluent". Is it simply owning ones own home ? Do they show up wearing armani suits ? Are the kids simply white ?

My second question, she said she works for a "nonprofit that provides free tutoring and homework help to elementary-school kids.".....and then mentioned that most of those kids were minorities or immigrants. Is this a nonprofit dedicated solely to poor/minorities/immigrants ? Or is it dedicated to all elementary kids, and she wants it become more exclusive or cater only to the types of people she prefers?

I honestly hope (but fear) that she isn't treating these new kids differently out of some kind of misguided belief system.
I'm also curious about her use of the word "affluent", if she has some kind envy issues or insecurities, maybe she shouldn't be around these kids. I've seen kids mistreated because someone else thought they were "rich" (and in many of those cases, they weren't, but if your really poor, suddenly your definition of rich or "affluent" gets pretty low) or due to someone having envy/insecurity/jealousy issues.......

LW1 - you should review the goals/practices and the target population of the non profit & see if they meet your goals. Maybe this organization casts such a wide net that it is not a good fit for how you want to spend your time. Beyond that, I wonder why you resent helping non-destitute, non minority (white) kids with their homework or giving them a place to go after school. There's no mention that there are too many kids in the center or that any kid is lacking attention because so many kids come to the center. Do you think some kids should automatically be better at school because their parents have money? Why do you assume the children of immigrants or minority children would be home alone after school if not for you? Aren't you 'babysitting' them, too? Why are minority children automatically worth your help but not white kids? I think you're probably trying to do a good thing, but are pretty patronizing & racist in your views towards the kids. Try to interact with them as individuals and forget who their parents are, and you might have a better time doing your volunteer work.

LW1--"I feel as if I'm providing free baby-sitting and tutoring for kids whose parents could afford to pay for such services. What do you think?" I think you sound irrationally prejudiced and pretty damn judgmental. If you came down to earth, you'd realize that we're in a global recession and that joblessness is at an all time high. For all you know, these once affluent families and land owners are now in foreclosure and struggling to make ends meet. That means working two or more menial jobs. Maybe they view your non-profit as a lighthouse in a storm for their children and appreciate your organization more than you know. Instead of acting affronted and getting huffy by what you see as the rich taking advantage of a free resource, why don't you get your facts straight first and then act accordingly.

LW2--Over to you Ben...

LW3--As mentioned several times, ultrasonic bark deterrents work wonders too. They're inexpensive and very discreet.

Re: LW1, I wouldn't be too quick to jump down the LW's throat about how she knows what she knows -- I was involved in a similar non-profit, only it targeted adults who had literacy problems, for many years. The teachers and tutors generally know their community pretty well, and then if you add in knowledge like the student's address during registration, the clothes they normally wear, and LW1 probably does have a reasonable understanding of the income level of the parents of these children.

Since this is a new non-profit, its possible LW1 and her colleagues haven't done all the things that a more mature non-profit knows to do in order to make its mission statement clear, to engage the community in what they are trying to do, etc, etc.

And, sadly, there are indeed people who may be trying to take advantage of the non-profit and use it in a way the founders were not intending.

Income makes a large difference in terms of educational performance and outcomes, so LW1 does have a reasonable concern about the resources of the non-profit being used for students who -- statistically speaking -- aren't as in need of them.

But the Annies absolutely make some good points as well, and there are definite positives in having these kids mingle. An income-based tuition is a very common tool in non-profits, although I'd personally recommend doing it the other way... institute a small fee but then waive it for families under a certain income level (rather than call it a charge for people making OVER a certain income level). I'd also recommend having a meeting of the founders or the board and making sure they have a mission statement that covers what they are trying to do, so they can make it clear to the community and their constituents what is their group is really for.

LW2, I do agree that, men or women, long-term partners should maintain their health and their looks to a certain degree. Aging takes its toll on us all, but it does sound like LW'2's wife has had a weight problem for quite some time, and really does not seem to have been very motivated to do anything about it. That's a common enough reason for a (male OR female) partner to lose interest.

When the weight gain began, though, was LW2 supportive and understanding, or kind of grumpy or sarcastic? Hard to tell from the letter, and it does make a difference. (Although he does say that she fought him when he was getting fit himself, so that's not a particularly good sign and is a point against her; however, if he was a smug S.O.B. about his workout schedule, then I can see where maybe she had reason to be grumpy -- it really does depend on what his attitude was when this all began).

Counseling is not a half-bad idea, since it seems like their own communication on this issue isn't working. But they both should find ways to approach this issue as a team -- how to compromise and support each other in getting healthy, fit, and spicing up their bedroom life -- rather than as opposing forces, which it seems has been the status quo in their marriage for a while.

LW3: Any kind of white noise producer could help, doesn't have to be a fan.

Re: Mookster
There are a lot of people out there who are burning with rage and envy towards anyone who has something they don't. I'm dirt poor myself and I've been subjected to the same simply because I have wheels. Yeah right, a ten year-old, rusted van that I bought used two years ago. That makes me very, very rich.

"What do you think", she asks? I think she's a bigoted snob who's patting herself on the back because she's doing "so much good helping these poor people", but who really has nothing but contempt for the people she thinks are in need. I've seen this "kind" volunteering in church bazaars a lot. And it reminds me of Mama Bush's comments about Katrina victims on Larry King.

Re: Mike H

On top of the fact that many people are less affluent than they look, the tutoring mission may have nothing to do with the level of income. As I said in my own post, just because a child has rich parents doesn't mean he's not being neglected.

And then, there's the way things are taught these days, compared to they way they were when the parents were in school... There was a feature on TV last week about how many parents would love to help their children with their homework, but don't have a clue of what the books are talking about because the approach, the teaching method and the terms used are so different.

Not to mention that coming from an affluent background doesn't mean they don't have learning disabilities that require extra help.

And yeah, a lot of people ARE less affluent than they look - I remember once being in a line-up at the ATM and getting dirty looks from the other people... I was wearing a sheepskin coat. I understand they're expensive as hell, but I had bought mine for 20 bucks in a church bazaar...

Which reminds me... I remember one such church bazaar, where I was at the check-out counter to have them add up what I was buying... and there was a lady standing behind the one who was attending me, very prim and scandalised, and just about choking with indignation... "I just can't believe these people are getting such nice stuff for so cheap..." "These people", heh? Yeah, right, let's make sure the difference between her bank account and mine is painfully visible to the naked eye - if I'm poor, then I should only be allowed to dress in rags, to make SURE I cannot be confused with HER. Oye vey. Sounds like she could have been LW1...

LW 1 - Just because the kids who live in very nice homes doesn't mean that the family/s are rich. And even if they are, how do you know this? Did you take a survey? Do you look at the clothes they wear? Perhaps these kids are "latch-key" kids, too. And like other posters stated, there are a lot of people going thru money problems, foreclosures, pinked slipped, etc. So these kids do not deserve to be there at the center along with the others?
Sounds like a case of prejudice to me.

LW 2 - Typical, whether LW is a man or woman, thinking about having an affair because the wife is a turnoff.
So you buy her an exercise machine that she wanted, but won't use it. Maybe you could help her in a way that she would be more motivated, such as going for a walk, together, after dinner or any kind of fitness which wouldn't be too strenuous, but at least to get her started. And when she does start losing weight, it would be very nice to compliment her. If she has suggested counseling, then go. And don't be so MAN - O - PAUSEL !!

LW1 - I'm inclined to give LW1 the benefit of the doubt and assume she has some idea of her clients' income that goes beyond skin colour. Assuming that that is the case, and these aren't just poor white kids, LW1, you have a few choices: you can tutor in another area; you can speak with the administrators and request a certain "type" (try not to sound like an arse when you do it); you can keep tutoring where you are, being happy that you are helping a child learn, regardless of that child's parent's income...

LW2 - Oh, just get a divorce already. I assume there are some qualities about her but I see you couldn't be troubled to mention them. Whether she's as horribly selfish as you say, or you are simply as disinterested in her as you seem, I don't see counseling fixing this. She's probably not going to loose 100 lbs and keep it off, and you're probably not going to wake up tomorrow and think "my wife is sexy even though she is obese". You BOTH deserve better.

Divorce is the price of many marriages. The question you ask should not be "is half my house and income worth cheating on my wife?" - it's "is staying in this unfulfilling marriage worth the costs and hassle of divorce?"

LW3 - Did we really need a whole two paragraphs explaining the concept of "white noise"??

Letters like LW1 crack me up. White people? How horrid! I'm sure there are no white people that are hurting, after all, they are white, right? Well I am certainly glad of that because that suddenly solved all my problems! This person has to remember why he/she is there, and help ALL kids. EVERYONE is hurting today. EVERYONE. The woman dropping off her child who is driving a decent car and "owns property" could be absolutely house poor, with a husband out of work. How dare this person judge?! To single out the white people and force them to show their income taxes is discriminatory. Do what you do best, and TEACH.
LW2: He was honest. His wife is no longer attractive to him, therefore, he can't salute the flag. Simple as that. Men+eyeballs+not attracted=no stiffy. What he said to his wife may have been blunt, but he probably did her a favor. Now she is ruminating over what he said, and just help herself and get healthy.

Letters like LW1 crack me up. White people? How horrid! I'm sure there are no white people that are hurting, after all, they are white, right? Well I am certainly glad of that because that suddenly solved all my problems! This person has to remember why he/she is there, and help ALL kids. EVERYONE is hurting today. EVERYONE. The woman dropping off her child who is driving a decent car and "owns property" could be absolutely house poor, with a husband out of work. How dare this person judge?! To single out the white people and force them to show their income taxes is discriminatory. Do what you do best, and TEACH.
LW2: He was honest. His wife is no longer attractive to him, therefore, he can't salute the flag. Simple as that. Men+eyeballs+not attracted=no stiffy. What he said to his wife may have been blunt, but he probably did her a favor. Now she is ruminating over what he said, and just help herself and get healthy.

@ Joyce/MN post 31 yesterday
A big Thank you for your Thank you and support. I wish I had stayed in the Air Force until retirement, but I started having children and definitely did NOT want the Base nursery to be taking care of my kids. In my opinion, if you want to start a family, then be there to take care of them, not relying on someone else to do it. But, in the 4 years I served, it was very rewarding and a part of my life which I'll never forget.

@ Lise
10, 9, 8, 7, 6

LW1 - You can always quit. I have nothing to add - nanchan said it perfectly.

LW 1: How many of these "affluent" kids you're seeing have parents who have sacrificed more than they should have so that their kids can have the illusion that nothing's changed? I've known a few parents who have worn rags themselves so they could keep the kids in "the style to which they were accustomed." You don't know and you're in no position to really judge.

I agree with nanchan on LW1. I can't believe they are automatically equating recent immigration status with low income and a need for homework help. That may well be the case in some cases, such as refugees, but non-refugee immigrants are typically not poor or uneducated for two reasons. First, they tend to be wealthy enough to come to the west--it's not the poor families who can afford to pay for transportation and setting up a new life in another country. And second, they also tend to be fairly well-educated--that's partly how they got their wealth to begin with, and many western countries only accept educated and/or wealthy immigrants because they want them to succeed. And as a third reason, a lot of new immigrants, rich or poor, refugee or no, tend to have one heck of a work ethic and a desire to start and build their own businesses. Take a look at Vancouver and the immigrants who arrived there from Hong Kong. Wealthy, educated and thriving. I hope this volunteer starts to see her/his own prejudices and start accepting all the kids for who they are, and not who she thinks they are.

A local radio station had a free Christmas tree give-a-way event. It was heavily advertised for weeks and was co-hosted by several charities that would provide wrapped presents under the free tree, along with a workshop for the family to make their own ornaments to decorate their tree. The families could also donate their time to help in a soup kitchen or food bank if they wanted to. It was stressed and none of the volunteers hosting the event asked anyone for their time.

A few families showed up that were truly needy and the parents clearly had mental/physical health issues, along with their children.

And then a brand new SUV with the temporary plates still up showed up. The family explained they had spent all their cash on the car and would have to charge any Christmas purchases on their credit cards and they were trying to teach their children not to do that. Okay, so that's a good thing to do, but what about using charity to fund their Christmas? When they just got a brand new car and have a home and jobs?

When the radio station hosting the event were live on the scene, they made a choice to "air" their grievances by stating to listeners that this event was for truly needy families who didn't have a choice of using credit cards. The radio station and the co-hosts received a back-lash of bad press when they announced to listeners, "don't come here if you've got a brand new car and are wearing a $300 parka!"

Re: Shannon
Oh my gosh Shannon you have no idea! We moved to the country with a small school system so our kids won't get lost in the school system (I came from a class of 600, I'm not kidding). We wear rags (clothes that are over 5 years old) not to keep our kids to keep a "style to which they are accustomed", but to give them stability and a good neighborhood. We wear rags so our kids can get tutors they need after school (we can afford it, tho, and we are very blessed because my husband got his job back). But what people fail to see is that parents are doing their best ONLY in the best interest of the children. The parents who are dropping their kids to the tutors in the LW's situation are no different. I feel for those parents who are victims of the job market, because I was there 2 years ago, and the LW1 makes it seem as though the people who drop their kids off for tutoring are milking it. They are NOT. Do your job, LW, and TEACH.

Re: Joyce/MN...Interesting post BUT, the 30-40 pound pregnancy weight gain you mentioned does NOT remain on the body after childbirth! If you've actually had children (as you claim and I have no reason to doubt you) I would think you would know this. I gained 62 pounds with my first son and walked out of the hospital 3 days later, weighing exactly three more pounds than I did when I got pregnant!

Re: Lise Brouillette #9
This car issue reminds me of recent happening-- 'an affluent woman' who said--OH I see you finally got a new car--to which I replied--No, it is a 2000 Windstar--just popped it to the local body shop for a little rust issue. Bought if from a friend--her SO died and she did not have the strength in her heart to drive it. So 2 years later, I told her I was looking and she said LOOK NO MORE. Got it for $1000 under book, and had 72,000 actual miles--so I am on my 2nd year with it. Yes, it looks like new. No, a 12 year old car can run just as good or better than a new one. It is called maintenence. My other car was a 1995 Aerostar--a fine car again with never any issues. 2 years old when I got it. Yes, so I could afford a new car. Well, our only new thing was a 1974 Dodge pickup. Back before kids, back when even the little wage you earned could build up in a savings account, etc. And I don't remember what a new truck was--maybe $10,000? And we had a 5 year old GTO.
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re LW1 - Although I understand Nanchan's indignation and see where she is coming from; I think Mike H. hit the nail on the head. The LW has probably chosen to work in non-profit to give sincere aid to children in families who have fewer opportunities to excel academically.

In addition, I can see how easily the demographics of a neighborhood can change very quickly. In both Washington, DC and Baltimore there are areas that were predominantly low-income, subsidized housing. However, developers have looked at those neighborhoods and realized that they were sitting on prime real estate (one example is a housing project that literally sits on waterfront land and is central to downtown) or in highly desirable locations central to business, jobs, and night life. In these cases, the properties were bought out quickly and almost overnight the demographics changed from low-income minority families to yuppie type families. If it isn't clear to the new, higher income families that the organization is designed for low-income people specifically, they may just think that this is a community center that is there for all residents of the neighborhood. And it should be, but as Mike H. - suggested, having fees in place - sliding-scale or waiving fees for those who cannot afford to pay would benefit everyone in the community.

Ms Davie--O M G how large was your baby? My first was 9 lbs. 2nd was 7-5 and the 3rd 6-12. With each child--I wore the weight off with nursing as well as chasing 3 sons. Back then I had no thryoid issue. With son # 2--IBS hit the scene. And stayed. That son is 30. The only time my FMS/CFS behaved itself was during the pregnancies.
But when you think of pregnancy weight--you have issues of what extra is in fluids as well as extra blood vessels, etc--the weight increase in the body tissues--all have to take time into returning to pre weight. Someone going on a highly watched diet and exercise program--suggested loss is 2 # a week. Where is a new mom going to get time to do all this as well as many who return to work, home life, getting used to having a family life, etc. The 24 hrs on the clock don't give what a new mom uses in HER 24 hr time frame.
Since I worked OB-nursery for 16 years (small rural hospital), yes, I am well aware of the weight issues. I remember my biggest newborn--I had 13 babies in 3 days--the biggest was 10-11 lbs. My smallest (which survived) was 3 lbs. My niece was also a 3 lb but I had not come to work at that hospital at that time (yet). She remained 2 months before we brought her home. The other little guy's name was Little Ricky. And he stayed a tiny stature all his life. He would be in his 30's now. My niece is a very tall, slender health care professional now. Her children are of small stature.
But one of our biggest concerns (odd how we remember certain cases) was a mom so was so proud that she weighed the same as pre PG weight when she left. Red flags went up and in following that child who stayed in the community, the mom was an abuser, the child stayed tiny, had learning disabilities (environmently created for the better part)--one of my son's classmates--and she did this to her body for all the children she had. With the health issues of the kids, she went quickly into the system. Turned in by her own siblings for the questionable abuse.
Our small community has alot to offer in preventative as well as catching the kids in the WIC programming (which starts at birth) and the headstart, etc. It is sad when it can be prevented. But even yet, with her kids grown, she now abuses her husband--banishes him out of the house, he sleeps in the yard on a lawn chair in the summer when she is 'toxic'. Last winter he snuck into the courthouse, up into the attic storage, when the courthouse was closed--he ate from the employee lunch room fridge. During the day he would come and go, but be back before closing time. (We have no gated-screened entrance.)
Anyway, one of my friend's co-workers in the court admin offices/courtrooms, went up stairs to get some old files and found what she thought was a dead body laying in the stairway. Took 1-2 min for the officers to run from the adjoining jail--and indeed found a LIVE body laying there. She had banished him to no food (as her children) and the mental issues there of. They put the guy into protective custody in a cell--while dealing again in her abuse of her family.
WIC is assigned to all babies who are born in the local hospitals. Home health nurses are all doing home visits as part of preventative measures. And you automatically get into therapies if the baby shows any issues. A tight watch is put on all the babies in the community. At 4 months they are brought to the hospital where they have hearing testing at that time. Much follow up to get them into the systems and therapies if necessary instead of waiting till school age and preschool screenings.

@Lise, but clearly the LW is suggesting that the non-profit *wasn't* designed to help tutor every child, or for all those with learning disabilities no matter income levels. Affluent parents have multiple options to get extra help for a child with LD, whereas lower income parents do not.

"This nonprofit is meant for kids whose families really need it." That's a mission statement right there that doesn't suggest that the nonprofit is for *any* child who needs help, but only for families who can't afford help any other way. That's a big difference, and it means her concerns are reasonable. Most non-profits are operating on less than a shoe-string, and conserving your resources for mission-critical activities is a constant concern.

Re: Gwen
I had enlisted in the AF as a senior in HS. Wanted to get my nursing degree that way and still see the world, do my thing for others. During the physical is when they found 'something wrong' but not descriptive enough to label it. I was just crushed. My planning of the last 4 years of HS was not going to happen.
About 18 months later, doctors had started putting something together AGAIN without exact answers. It took decades later to get a proper DX from Mayo Clinic here in MN. And it was when it showed up in my Red Cross blood donation--it kicked it out as a false positive. Further testing showed all to be negative but that set things into motion again (by the way, that kick out and false positive stays on my records FOREVER, according to the Red Cross blood bank).
What the AF doctors saw was an issue with my legs to start with (eventually the whole body was involved)---the muscles and tendons and ligaments. Which 20 years later got a name. And in my generation of my family, 6 have MS, so that is always hanging around. Testing comes every so many years--the first showing IFFY signs so had the spinal tap for rule out then.

Yep, our best made plans don't always get us where we want to be, but being a well adjusted human being, --you make lemonade with lemons--and keep right on going--my motto is THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE WITH LESS OPPORTUNITIES, LESS PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM, MORE SUFFERING, SO QUIT WHINING AND GET GOING ON THE DAY.

Re LW1: I don't think that it's fair at all to rip apart LW1 or do ask her "how dare you..." Nothing in her letter said that she is prejudiced or against white people or assigning affluence to those that don't have it. It sounds as if she is concerned that those people who really need the help are losing their place because people with (some) money who have other options (turn off the cable?) are utilizing the center. I'm familiar with this behavior.
I had a friend who, through her own bad choices, was behind on rent and utilities...she took advantage of an organization whose mission is to help those in need stay afloat. She got all her back rent and back utilities paid for so that she could continue drinking. After Katrina I volunteered with my then church to give out supplies to K victims - everyday household supplies, toothbrushes, etc and all the way up to clean-up. We had so many people from the area coming in. We also had many people who had driven hours from areas not affected by the hurricane because they heard they could get free stuff. We gave to them because it was decided we couldn't judge their need, but to this day I wonder how many K families had to be turned away because supplies ran out.
Re LW2: Get a divorce already? Why is that always the answer? Geez. No do not get a divorce already. And yes, he sounds resentful. His wife fought him when he tried to get his health back. That would cause resentment, to see someone actively stand in the way of necessary improvement. And he isn't attracted to the extra 100 pounds...maybe it's also her refusal to help herself, to make some hard choices that he's not attracted to. Sounds as if his resentment comes from a fair place. Maybe he wants a wife that cares and if he saw effort he'd also be able to see past the 100 extra pounds. Determination is very attractive.
Who knows, maybe it's a home and money that keeps him in the marriage right now, but maybe it'll keep him in long enough so that they can address the root of their issues and bring the marriage back around to being about eachother. That would be a good thing.

Re: Gwen
I had enlisted in the AF as a senior in HS. Wanted to get my nursing degree that way and still see the world, do my thing for others. During the physical is when they found 'something wrong' but not descriptive enough to label it. I was just crushed. My planning of the last 4 years of HS was not going to happen.
About 18 months later, doctors had started putting something together AGAIN without exact answers. It took decades later to get a proper DX from Mayo Clinic here in MN. And it was when it showed up in my Red Cross blood donation--it kicked it out as a false positive. Further testing showed all to be negative but that set things into motion again (by the way, that kick out and false positive stays on my records FOREVER, according to the Red Cross blood bank).
What the AF doctors saw was an issue with my legs to start with (eventually the whole body was involved)---the muscles and tendons and ligaments. Which 20 years later got a name. And in my generation of my family, 6 have MS, so that is always hanging around. Testing comes every so many years--the first showing IFFY signs so had the spinal tap for rule out then.

Yep, our best made plans don't always get us where we want to be, but being a well adjusted human being, --you make lemonade with lemons--and keep right on going--my motto is THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE WITH LESS OPPORTUNITIES, LESS PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM, MORE SUFFERING, SO QUIT WHINING AND GET GOING ON THE DAY.

I gotta share what little Tayte had to say this morning. We start our day out listening to local radio. At the end, Martin Luther King, Jr speech I HAVE A DREAM was played--followed with the song Abraham, Martin and John.
Tayte is 5 and in kindergarten. She is norweigan, german, irish. And she stood in front of me telling me so many things about MLK. Yes, I knew all what she said. BUT she is 5, and went on and on about this great man and what he did and represented to the rest of the world and how hard he tried. He was not a president but just as important. But he did not get his photo on a dime like FDR. Maybe some day. And she had her story of Ms Rosa and the bus and the drugstore where seats stated white only were.
YEP. AGE 5. And she listened to the whole speach. SEE she said, HE HAD A DREAM TOO.

Re: sharnee

Good post, I do disagree with Mike's post for several reasons though.

1. My point in my post was don't judge a book by it's cover. You can no more judge a person's financial health by their address than you can by the clothes on their back. I live in a very affluent neighborhood and some of the people who live here are less than a month away from foreclosure (or already there) and the process does take time. In the meantime, they still have an affluent address. Does that mean they shouldn't qualify for help? Conversely, I have seen kids living in ghettos wearing some pretty expensive clothing. Does that mean they don't qualify for help? I also know a man who is extremely wealthy (we're talking billions folks and you're heard of him, I promise) andI if you didn't know who he was, you'd think he was homeless. TRUTH! I used to work for his PR firm and we had a standing task to hire groomers for all public appearances. His clothes look like something from a thrift shop, we had to literally bring department stores to HIM to dress him. He just has other things on his mind. My neighbor across the street, who paid cash for a million dollar home, wears shoes held together with duct tape. You can't judge a person by what they wear or where they live . You don't know what's going on in their lives.

2, Chelle: I see your point as well. I did a charity benefit a few years ago at a shopping mall in a low income area and the people who were the rudest were the people driving the rich cars and pushing their little darlings in front of everybody elses to get the best prizes. I was almost crushed by the mob: we had to have a stage set up quickly to protect me. There are greedy people out there. But it crosses all income levels. Some of the greediest kids at that event weret minority kids wearing designer clothes. again, it doesn't matter what you look like, it's the character.

3. Gentrified neighborhoods happen all over the country, but have been hit very hard in the recent real estate melt down. One of my best friends lives in Harlem (she's a successful VP at a huge company) and even Bill Clinton has an office there, so you can definately say Harlem has been "gentrified". Still, those areas are just as vulnerable to the economic situation as any other. And gentrification does NOT happen in four months, no matter how good the economy.

4. Mike, there is nothing in the letter to indicate that the non-profit is new. The LW, however, IS new to the organization (4 months). She barely has had any time to ramp up, much less make the types of sweeping statements that she is without knowing more about the kid's families true financial health.

5. My first thought was that the LW is working at a place like the Boys and Girls Club. I am happy to have had the opportunity to work with BGC and also to have benfited from their services throughout the years as they provided after school care for my daughter through elementary school. The application for BGC is a handwritten application with no verification needed on income (not even a tax return). Furthermore, walk ins are not required to provide any information at all except the basics (parents names, phone numbers etc) and just have a membership card. BGC literally saved my job for me when my traditional day care sold my daughter's space to someone who would pay more money with no notice and I had to find daycare for the next day. They also charged me very little, which enabled me to get on my feet financially for the first time in years (day care even then was over $400 a month, I don't know how I did it honestly!). Boys and Girls Club also prides itself on providing a place for ALL kids. At my daughter's BGC all the kids played togethe regardless of income, race, or immigration status (!). Kids are pretty much color blind until someone opens their eyes (sadly). She met some of her closest friends there, well monitored. The suggestion made by some to check the rules of the non-porfit is excellent. BGC never turned a kid away while my daughter was young unless they were trouble makers. it's a part of their philosophy.

Finally, it seems pretty ironic that this letter is published on Martin Luther King Day. To quote from his famous "I Have a Dream" speech, "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

What the LW is describing is reverse descimination, and racial/social profiling. MLK would be ashamed

Re: kristen

I don't normally say "get a divorce" without at least suggesting they try counseling, but LW2 obviously wants "permission" to cheat or break it off with his wife. Nowhere in his letter is there any indication that "we're in a bad place but I want to work on it". He's already written off counseling for whatever reason (valid or not). He said not a single nice thing about his wife. He says that "so far" the financial repercussions of ending his marriage is all that is keeping him from cheating.

He is not asking for advice. He clearly has no desire to be with his wife.

I'm all for working on a marriage but at what point are you throwing good money (and time) after bad? He deserves someone who is willing to put down the fork long enough to keep herself looking reasonably attractive, and she deserves someone who cares about her personality more than her physical appearance. I don't see them turning into those things anytime soon.

I'm not saying they SHOULDN'T try counseling. I just don't think it makes any sense for LW2 to stay with a wife he clearly dislikes and is not attracted to, because the alternative is to lose money in the divorce.

@ Zoe: I think you make some valid points. But I read LW2's letter a bit differently. Aside from the writer's refusal to get counseling, which I think he should get, it sounds like this man is buried in resentment. Sometimes when a person is buried in resentment it is difficult to pull your head up long enough to focus on the positive attributes. This isn't good and often leads to divorce. But, it is possible to work your way out of this abyss - if both people are willing to address the issue.
So it's only money that has kept him from cheating? Hell, I read this as "at least he hasn't cheated" yet, thus compounding the problems and creating some that they might never be able to come back from. Something is holding this man back and sometimes that's good enough - at least for the time.
I don't think the man dislikes his wife - I think he's frustrated beyond belief. He wrote in, which indicates that he's looking for help, not necessarily permission to get out. Not to denigrate the LW, but he strikes me as a man who isn't communicating well. It's possible that his wife needs to know just how dire the situation. I have been constantly struck by how many spouses get comfortable and take for granted that their husband/wife will always be there despite their refusal to move - they don't take the issues seriously and think "he/she has to love me the way I am, take it or leave it." They forget that that person can choose to leave it. This man hasn't left it yet, so he deserves kudos for that, regardless of what is keeping him from throwing away 25 years of marriage. And generally, when someone is looking for a reason (any reason) to stay, it means that there is something deeper holding them in - there's simply so much resentment that they don't realize it.
From the very little information we have been given, I'd say both parties need to ante up because there is a chance that they could save their marriage AND have good health together. I will add too that I think, in a relationship, we have the responsibility of being the best person we can be for ourselves, but also for the other person. I think that no matter the years under the belt that we still have a responsibility to be as attractive as we can be for your mate. To me, caring what your spouse thinks is a sign of love and respect...it shows that you care what they think about you.

Hey New Yorker,

Children are children. Why do you want to discriminate without knowing all of the information? The parents made a choice to work and own property. They did not just lay around the house having more children. The children have to be treated the same. If you don't want to work with all of them, then I would suggest to go find another job. All of the children are going to be making the decisions with your medical and social security benefits. Be a postive influence for all and stop holding grudges.

@ Joyce/MN post 26 and 28 (LOL) it came out twice
I'm so sorry that you didn't get to do what you wanted and all you had to endure. We just never know what life is going deal us and how we handle it. Your last paragraph says it all. My philosophy, too. Also, post 29, thank you for sharing a lovely story. Not too many 5 year olds can come out with that. And a lot of teens haven't got a clue as to why they have off school on Martin Luther King Day. BTW, my husband was stationed at Minot AFB in S. Dakota for 9 years, when he got orders for his next assignment and it was for Iceland, that's when he decided to get out. The funny thing is, is that he went to work for a friend's father in MN., delivering propane. He lived in the Albert Lea/Walters area for about 6 years until he landed the job he has now. Funny how he went from one cold spot to another, but yet, he didn't want anything to do with Iceland. Go figur !

@ MS Davie

1 day to go. Counting the hours ?

@Nanchan - re post #30 - When I initially read the letter - I did notice the bias against seemingly affluent, probably white although the LW did not say so specificly- families. My guess is that the LW probably has a clue about the income levels of the families of children who are there because most non-profit organizations who receive any form of federal funding need to keep account of the number of people from the intended target demographic that are being served. If these families are being asked to complete paperwork - and I bet they are; the LW may very well know that some of these parents are taking advantage of the system.

That stated, I KNOW where you are coming from. I know people who live in affluent, gated communities where the smallest homes are 2500 sq ft; and half the properties have been foreclosed or in the process. I have also seen people wearing designer clothes - one purse would cost way more than what I spend in one month on my food budget for a family of 4, while using WIC vouchers. Nothing is what it seems these days and the LW does come off as discriminatory.

I agree with her point that the organization is meant to serve people who NEED their assistance, but she should be very clear on who she accuses of fraud (which is basicly what she is saying in my book).

But while her attitude would not be resolved; the problem of having affluent people or even people who could afford to pay SOMETHING would be resolved with sliding-scale fees. It puts money back in the pockets of the organization to enhance their services and buy better equipment and resource materials, while at the same time exposing the children to diversity. That solution could only elevate and unify the community.

Gwen, Iceland? We've all been hosed about that place! Not only is it not that cold compared to the northernmost reaches of the U.S., many of their outdoor swimming pools are geothermally heated - and open all year!

I wish LW 2 had just cut to the chase. He's saying that since his wife is "deliberately staying FAT" (okay, my interpretation, not his words exactly), he's waiting for the 'right' "other woman" to come along - attractive and financially secure enough to take care of him too, when the fat wife finds out and divorces his skinny rear, taking half the house and everything. So, since that's his "plan", why bother writing to the Annie's? To get permission or maybe to be sure he hadn't overlooked any nasty little details - like maybe the wife could get more than half, or that attractive, financially stable potential mistresses are few and far between?

RE: Carla #36

This was back in the early 80's, he was in his late 20's, so I'm sure that he did NOT check out any info on his own about Iceland, probably went with the old rumor control. I think we all know how that works. Someone tells ya something,which was passed on by someone else and so on. But, when he told me this story, I just laughed as in the end, he ended up freezing his butt off in MN. for 6 years. Well, for the most part, the winters.

Anyway, we've been living in Germany, coming up in March, it will be 21 years. The winters have been so so. This winter has been the craziest since we've been here. Hasn't snowed yet and I truely believe we're going to have a white Easter. That has happened at least once since we've been here. The month of Dec. was nothing but rain and winds and since New Year's, we've had hurricane type winds and rain. Unbelievable. Kind of makes ya wonder what's in store for summer. I'm not really complaining as we still have a roof over our head.

@nanchan, regardless, it's still clear from the LW that the non-profit doesn't exist to give help to all children with LDs, it exists to give help to children whose families can't afford help other ways. That's pretty explicit in the letter, so no, it's not "reverse discrimination", it's "sticking to your mission". No non-profit is capable of being all things to all people; it's not possible for one organization to solve all of society's ills. They have to pick and choose what they can do with limited resources.

Also, nanchan, for a non-profit like this there is almost certainly an intake process where the child is evaluated, where the parent has to answer lots of questions, where the non-profit staff has to decide if they can meet the child's needs. So, no, this is probably NOT a situation where LW is jumping the gun on her judgements. If you combine knowing the neighborhood, seeing what the parents and child wear, knowing their car, knowing the local gossip, and all the information gathered during an intake process, then yes, MOST of us could make a pretty fair judgement on socio-economic status based on that kind of information gathering.

This isn't a case where she's passing someone on the street and making a judgement based on a glance, or JUST by their address; likely LW is making a judgement based on a lot of additional information as these parents request, and then use, these services. We know these letters are edited down for print, and also the LW probably didn't feel like it was relevant to list all the ways that they could figure out that newer clients were more affluent than previous ones.

Believe me, nanchan, the way these non-profits have to run, they probably are more accurate and have more information than you realize to make the judgement -- LW just didn't focus on that issue because that wasn't the main concern.

But even so, even if you think there is a problem, it is still actually pretty easily resolved either way -- by instituting a fee that is waived if you are under a certain income level, you'll automatically cover the issue: If a family LOOKS affluent but isn't, they'll get the fee waived, problem solved, no discrimination.

Still and all, it's perfectly legitimate for a non-profit to restrict its services solely to people below a certain income level, and also for a non-profit employee to express concern that their limited resources might be wasted on clients outside of their targeted population.

However... all the advice and suggestions being tossed around, the real action needs to happen with the founders or the board of directors. Only they can make any changes to the by-laws, guidelines, mission statement, etc, to fix the problem.

If "the demographic" is what's changing, it indicates to me that perhaps this center is no longer operating in the geographic location that's best suited for its intended clientele. Did the targeted kids stop coming? Are they no longer living in that area in large enough numbers to support the center? Where did they go?

Talking to the administration/board about revising the mission statement and implementing an income-based sliding scale fee is a good short-term measure. But the center may need to consider moving to continue helping the targeted kids in the numbers originally envisioned. That's just part of the fallout of gentrification.

Gwen, small correction. Minot is ND.
Up by the Canadian border. Up where the latest black gold--oil rush is--a short hop and jump to the Bakken oil fields by Williston. My brother moved up there to work--lives between the two cities. Rather, Williston is a medium sized prairie town where Minot is over 10,000. This is where that horrible flooding took place late in summer, into fall, winter. Our neighbor's daughter had a new house they had just been in a few years, the flood waters never had been there. No one had flood insurance. All wiped out.
Minot is about 7-8 hours driving time--depending on which way the wind is from. Really.
My son has a tae kwon do gym he started up there. One of the AFB retired and stated there. A former student from here. He also lost all in the floods.
My nephew works at the base--he also retired from there and does their snow removal all winter. Well, this year not too busy. 1 inch here and there, but if you have to land a plane, it needs clearing.
And you speak of Albert Lea--totally the southeastern point of the state of MN. Nice country--the warmer part of the state, also gets alot more snow/rain mix. Also had terrible tornadoes down there 2010. Many places wiped out. That is about 4 hours from us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another holy crap moment is windchill 1 degree outside. Had to take granddaughters to meet their mom for school this week. Last week we had short of 60 degrees, doors and windows open. People playing golf and others doing lawns. Supposed to remain around 10 degrees this week. What a seesaw winter we are having! I was picking herbs from the garden last week--trees were budding. This is April weather!

Gwen, my sister and neice are the exchange program coordinators here-and the most requested state to go to is MN--closest like Germany is climate? I think sometimes they think twice once they are in the middle of it. My son has one from the Netherlands now and he was so excited about the snow--last year over 100 inches. So far since Nov we have had 10!!!. A snowboarder, 100 miles from the nearest skiing and boarding hills. Told him they guys would take him ice fishing--something not done there as the water does not freeze well, SAME here this year, open water on just about everywhere that used to be 15 inches thick ice. 2 HS kids drown yesterday when their snowmobile sleds went in.

Where in Germany are you stationed? We get students from all over but another one that endeared himself to us was from over by Turkey--his sister and father came to stay 10 days at graduation time and lived in m-i-ls house. One thing that is brought up is WHY DO WE DRIVE SO SLOW? Cause tickets have gotten really expensive if you don't! If the road says 65, then you go that, if 55, you go 60. No forgiveness on the part of officers around that. 10 miles over will be $120. Seatbelt not fastened, another $100.

Re: Joyce/MN

Joyce, in Minnesota,

I, too, am on steroids--gained 11 lbs. in 24 hours, 40 lbs. in 6 weeks, continued to gain while eating Paleo (no grains, no dairy, no processed or fake sugars). I now eat Ketogenically (~70% fat, ~25% protein, 5% or fewer carbs--I use www.fatsecret.com to track my progress) at all times and lost 30 lbs. from October to December. I'm still on steroids--they're thinking I may be on them the rest of my life--but if you research Ketogenic diet/being in Ketosis, perhaps that will be something that you find beneficial. I have to say that eating this way, in spite of my condition, I feel better than I have in ages. :)

I am praying for you!

~Suzanne

re: LW1/nanchan/Mookster;
Maybe you guys are right, maybe you guys are wrong, you're assuming an awful lot. We have to take the letter at face value, and assume that LW1 is privy to information proving that these families are affluent, unless you want to hire a detective agency and track this person down. You're forgetting that the column is meant to help and advise everyone in the reading audience, probably even more than the letter writer. The Annie's don't have time to pour over the minutae of what each word might or might not mean.
So. The question is, what does one do when the not-needy take advantage of programs for the needy (which may be funded by donations)? And the Annie's provided a pretty good response to THAT general question - try to make sure people who don't need a donated service aren't unseating people who do.

Re: LW1

"These were kids who would be home alone all afternoon if they didn't come to us."

My question is, why doesn't the LW believe the same might not be true of the kids coming from the gentrified areas? Just asking. This statement makes me believe she's passing judgment a little bit based solely on the kids' address.

@ Joyce/MN
Thanks for the correction. I realized the mistake after I posted, and thot, ok, someone will catch it. Ha, ha.
Actually, we're civilians, living in northern Germany, by the North Sea. My husband works for a company which does military work for the Germans. It's a target practice program. It prepares the Germans for air to ground combat when it's needed. For an example, German Air Force personnel are serving in Afghanistan and if/when needed to do so, then they're prepared. I think this program is about 35 years old. This was suppose to be temporary for us, but it's kind of like the Energizer Bunny - keeps right on going. By temporary, we were only to be here for 5 years.

I definitely could write a book about this part of my life. I had a baby since we've been here, yeah, at the age of 41, that was an experience. Of course, the baby is now 18 and will be graduating in June. He's more German than American, he decided a few years ago that he'll be living here. That will be hard for me, but I think he'll be fine, plus he fluently speaks 3 languages. I think he has a better chance of getting a good job here than in the states. That's just my opinion. Oh yeah, it has been a true experience living here. As for the driving, I would have to tell that story another time. Way too lengthy. The rules, regulations, culture shock, amazing. When I hear people say that they have been to Germany on vacation, like 6 cities in 10 days, I just shake my head and then say, "I hope you had a very nice time." No one has a clue what it's REALLY like, until you lived it.

Oh my, it's almost 12:30 AM here. I have to be up at 6. Ugh !

Re: Joyce/MN...My first son weighed 7 lbs. 14 oz. I was quite thin when I got pregnant, so the doctor was not concerned with the excessive weight gain. In fact, he was hoping that maybe I would be able to "keep" some of the weight after my son was born, which is rather stupid, if you think about it. But that was quite some time ago, as this son (the first of three) was 42 right before Christmas. Btw, his *little* brothers are 36 and 32.

LW1: Why would you write for advice when you can just ask management for an answer regarding income status? This makes me think you already know the answer but you want someone to tell you it's okay to be prejudiced. It's not so boo hoo.

LW2: Why don't you make a deal with your wife that if she goes to individual counseling consistently - after 6 months you'll go to couples counseling? If she says no, learn to be sneaky and get it elsewhere or get a divorce.

Re LW1 and folks advising the LW to ask the organization's board to change their mission statement to suit his needs? Excuse me - have you ever volunteered anywhere? He is a volunteer for 4 months, discovers that the organization doesn't meet HIS needs so they should change? The organization should start charging fees to make him feel like more of a do gooder who is only helping kids who are 'disadvantaged enough' to deserve his time? Seriously? I've done tons of volunteer work & been in charge of volunteer organizations, and that would never happen in any organization that I've ever heard of. Non profits charitable organizations do not exist to meet the needs of the volunteers. They exist to meet the needs of the target population that they already identified and advertised to their donors. If volunteers don't agree with the board or find the mission/activities/target audience don't match their values, volunteers are free to leave & volunteer somewhere else. If the LW or the posters think that after 4 months as a volunteer, this person has the standing to make the organization change its mission to make him feel better, good luck with that.

Re: Gwen...Thanx for the compliment but I am a little confused by your "one more day to go" comment. Could you explain pleez?

Re: Gwen...The exact quote is "one day to go. Counting the hours?" I'm just kinda curious, that's all. (My birthday is tomorrow, January 17th. Do you know this AND do we know each other? That's the only thing I can come up with.)

@Happymom
"Men+eyeballs+not attracted=no stiffy. "
Hee hee hee, that was funny!

@Ms Davie
"the 30-40 pound pregnancy weight gain you mentioned does NOT remain on the body after childbirth!"
In general not, but there are exceptions. There are some women who just gain weight with every pregnancy and then never lose it.

It's midnight here - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

@Mike H
Of course. That's why I suggested she ask her superiors about the criterion of eligibility since they obviously registered and were accepted.

@Joyce/Mn
"Another holy crap moment is windchill 1 degree outside."
Count your blessings, ytesterday we had -25C (-13F)! Brrrrr.

@Suzanne
What kind of steroids? Ingested Prednisone and cortisone in general makes you retain water so you have to go on a salt-free diet.

Why do people think that because an area is gentrifying, therefore rich affluent families are the ones moving in? This gets my goat often because my husband and I live in just such an area. He's a lawyer. And when I tell people where we live and his job they get what they think is an instant knowledge of our finances which is simply wholly inaccurate. For one thing we rent, and our property is NOT one of the sexy remodeled ones. For another any clothes we have and even our 7 year old four door compact car (remember I have four kids? Yeah we never go anywhere together :-() are all gifts. Do I have a $500 parka? Yup. And it's 16 years old too. Are my nails done and hair coloured all the time? Yup. Because my BFF is an esthetician and she does my cosmetic stuff and my husband does her papers for her business. Do I have designer label clothes and use a Coach handbag? I most certainly do because my grandmother gives me all her old clothes and she definitely fits the definition of wealthy, and thank god, fashionable as well. Do my teenagers go to a private school? She most certainly does. One her father pays for, not my husband and I. Do I have one of those ridiculously expensive strollers? I sure do. It's the only baby present we got and was bought by one of my husband's classes (he teaches at a university) chipping in together for it. Oh yeah and when I mention he's a university prof, there go the assumptions again. Part time, people, part time. And private practice lawyers specializing in not for profit organizations don't make the kind of buckaroos that get one featured on some Real Housewives show. At the end of the month we are budgeting every dollar for rent, utilities, and groceries just like most "working class" folks and it burns my ass to get reverse assumption snobbery. Just because people live in a certain area and the area is reported to be up and coming or "gentrifying" doesn't mean anything.

while some excellent points have been made regarding whether or not a financial need is genuine [brand new suv] you can't always go by appearances. when i was in the orthopedic billing department, the office manager used to get quite incensed at some of the people who would plead poverty who had the elaborate braided hairstyles and the manicures and the gorgeous clothes. i found out when i went on disability that it isn't difficult to maintain the appearance of income. my friend's daughter is going to beauty school and uses me for practice. if i'm going somewhere and need to have my hair braided beyond what i can do myself, she does it for me. she also does my nails. a person can have the most up-to-date designer clothing and still look like an unmade bed. one can get attractive clothing at thrift stores and yard sales and with some alteration, follow the trends. it's all in how one puts it together. there is also the possibility of having purchased all these expensive items prior to losing one's job. while i agree that those who are able to provide for their children should have to pay to use the facility, not everyone who is poor looks it.

Oh come on - class wars do no one any good. Take the poor letter writer at face value that some kids coming in don't belong there and just like my mother hosting a boy scout troop years ago - some parents took advantage of it as free after-school care for their kids (by sending them an hour early). Yes, people in affluent neighborhoods can get cash strapped, but but they need to try something other than free services meant for truly poor people - be they white or non-white.
I agree the turned-off guy should just go get a divorce. Why shouldn't she get 1/2 of what she's been investing in for 25 years? This guy resents her, does NOT have a good marriage and would rather stay with her and punish her for her weight gain than walk away with a fair share of the marital assets. What a deal for her! Why she would even WANT to have sex with this creep is beyond me. Maybe he's hoping she will pre-decease him.

Re: Noisy Dog Next Door

They don't need a fan, just a white sound machine. We live very near to main railroad corridor that is extremely busy at night, making it impossible to sleep some nights. The white sound machine drowns it out better than our fan ever did.

LW1: I don't see why everyone here thinks the writer is prejudiced or doesn't know what they are writing about. As the tutor, the writer is the only one who knows the real affluence of the students. Are some students taking buses while others are being driven around in a Beemer? The clothes you wear can show affluence - as can kids possibly talking about having 4 TVs in their house, vs. others not. Just saying, that the writer has observed a huge income disparity, and wants to know what to do about it, rather than be told that they are wrong to even think of it. Sure, some kids might look affluent but they are not. However, some others are probably taking advantage of the babysitting - in fact often, the wealthier you are, the more you think you are entitled to free services by other people.

Re: Salty
If you don't see why, re-read all the posts (completely this time), and pay attention to the parts explaining where people can get expensive clothing for peanuts, where expensive cars can sometimes have to be kept for necessary appearances career-wise, and where luxury homes are sometimes one step away from foreclosure. The people who registered them and examined their eligibility know their true affluence, not the tutor.

P.S,: Four TVs? I own more than that. And guess what? That're all old bangers (two of them I found by the curb), some of them needing a VHS machine just so they can process Cable because they still have a dial that doesn't go past 13 channels. You CAN'T go by what it looks like.

LW2- This is quite common is mid-life relationship breakups.

When someone in a long term relationship starts feeling better about themselves , loses weight through workouts, and their mate does'nt follow suit it may lead to obvious despondency.

it's usually the male and if he still has a sex drive he improves his looks whether through mid-life crisis or medication.

Sometimes she'll get on board and starts working out also, and does whatever it takes to salvage the relationship, it benefits both of them.

If she refuses to get on board why should he stay in this situation and if he's getting attention from younger fitter women he should explore those options. If his mate won't make an attempt to look more attractive to her mate, we'll let her wallow in her obvious state.

He mentioned losing his pension and house well sticking with a partner who's no longer attractive to him is worse.

Bantamcc..

First off, let's not jump to conclusions about this "volunteer" because we haven't seen the people/placehe's talking about.

I wonder, maybe the writer is pissed because he thinks people are not making their contributions? If this man (or woman) is unemployed, and wants to use his time well, volunteering makes sense. Now, if the parents of these kids are working long, tedious, soul-destroying shifts on the worst job and have no extra money and no time to volunteer, that's understandable. But maybe the more "affluent" families have either (a) time on their hands to volunteer as well or (b) money to make a small donation to keep the center running.

If you have either lots of time or lots of money, contribute one. If you have no time and no money, we wouldn't expect you to give, because you're already stretched.