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Dear Annie: My 20-year-old nephew has been a troubled youth, despite all the attempts of his family to help him, including counseling and rehab. When he was 18, he became involved with a messed-up 14-year-old girl who used drugs, alcohol and sex to …Read more.
Damaging Favoritism Amid Broken Boundaries
Dear Annie: I have two daughters, ages 5 and 2. My in-laws favor the older girl. They buy her more presents, give her more money and pay way more attention to her than to her sister. They almost seem obsessed with her. As soon as she walks in the …Read more.
Ex Con on the Straight and Narrow Canned
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The Cheating Elephant in the Room
Dear Annie: My married boss is having an affair with one of my co-workers. We work in a very small office with few employees. We have all been here for many years and have become close, but now the tension is unbearable. The affair is the big pink elephant in the room that no one will admit is there.
I find what they are doing very unprofessional, and it has created some distrust toward the boss and this co-worker. I think it is affecting everyone's work performance.
My dilemma is: Do I tell his wife? Should I say something to the co-worker? I don't want to jeopardize my job, but I'd like them to know how disgusted I am. — Needing Advice
Dear Needing: Take your co-worker aside privately, and tell her everyone in the office is aware of what's going on and it's only a matter of time before the wife finds out — at which point, the co-worker is likely to be fired. Say it in a way that indicates you are concerned for her. You and some of your other co-workers also can notify the boss that office morale is down and you are worried that his relationship with your co-worker is partially responsible. It is best to register your disapproval in professional terms.
Dear Annie: I married a widower with two adopted children who don't seem to care about their father except for the money.
My husband has been in and out of the hospital 13 times in the past 10 years, and neither child ever called to find out how he was. The son doesn't bother to help his father unless we call and ask. The daughter lives out of state and often invites herself to stay here for a visit. But when we went there for the grandchildren's graduation party, we had to stay in a hotel. We were not invited to the party after, and they didn't even save us a seat at the commencement.
When I hinted that we'd like to spend a few days with them, I was told the two empty bedrooms were for the kids when they visited. When her son got married, her father was not put in one single wedding photo. We offered to stay and help clean up and were told, "That's not necessary. Have a safe trip home." We saw them for all of three hours, and it really hurt.
How do I let her know my extra bedrooms are no longer available? I don't like to lie, but I am sick of this one-sided business. — Stepmother Who Feels Like the Wicked Witch
Dear Stepmother: Please don't do anything unless your husband agrees. These are, after all, his children, and you do not want to get in the middle of his relationship with them. We know it is frustrating to deal with such inconsiderate people, but we don't believe escalating the hostilities will help.
Dear Annie: I'm responding to "Wanda and Worried," the 75-year-old woman who needs to forget George and "move on."
It grinds me to no end when people say "move on." That woman's whole world is devastated, and those words seem so callous. Yes, we all have to go on after a breakup, divorce or death, but being told to "move on" makes it sound as if our trauma is trivial.
Thankfully, when my boyfriend and I broke up last year, I found awesome support through the website dailystrength.org. Please pass this on to Wanda and everyone else needing support in their lives. — Been There
Dear Been There: Most people don't intend "move on" to trivialize anyone's experience, but rather to encourage them. But each person is different and must get past their difficulties in their own time. Thanks for the website. Our readers will appreciate the online assistance.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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15 Comments | Post Comment
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"Move on" is better than "Start over". I found (divorce after 16 years) the idea of "starting over" to be so hideously bleak and depressing, and such a huge daunting idea, and much preferred the concept of "new direction" or "new chapter." I know they are only words; just phrases people use, but they are surprisingly powerful. I generally describe the early days after, the time people were likely to say things like "So glad you've moved on...", as "having gotten my feet back under me." So individual. Whatever works.
Comment: #1
Posted by: jenvan
Fri Sep 3, 2010 9:45 PM
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LW 2 - My 2 son's stepmother also wants to know why they don't make an effort to stay with or contact their dad - but I can tell you that it's because of the way he treated them when they were growing up. I tried to warn him and acted as the go-between while we were married - but the day I got divorced I told my sons they were adults now and were on their own with their dad. He gets his feelings hurt that they don't make more of an effort, and I bite my tongue to not say "I told you so". My advice to you is to be sympathetic to your husband but stay out of it.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Jen
Fri Sep 3, 2010 11:17 PM
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To Needing Advice (LW 1) following the Annies' advice to mention the "situation" to the lady, in private, might help, yet she can and probably will reveal to the boss (in private moments) that was approached at work. And I strongly advise against taking your "concern" about "low morale" to the boss, and then tell him that you think possibly his affair with the coworker is the catalyst. No, ma'am. Unless you have a strong union backing you up, the boss can and will make trouble for you, or anyone who "tattles" to him about the inappropriate conduct, although he is certainly guilty. If this is a boss who has a supervisor over him, perhaps that would be all right, yet even then, the top brass can make trouble for you if they like this boss for other reasons. Today, jobs in are enough jeopardy with the economy, new employees looking for work who have better training and/or qualifications, and the fact that bosses are human and will likely take out their frustrations on people "reporting him", even though he deserves it, is, IMO, very risky. If you really feel as if the boss needs to be told directly, type an anonymous letter on a typewriter or computer that isn't office equipment, and slip it on his desk when he has stepped away for a few minutes. He will get the message loud and clear, and since he can't prove who wrote the note, he can't get anyone fired for a flimsy reason in the future. Bosses who will cheat on their wives have no qualms about taking unfair repercussions against so-called "troublemakers."
Comment: #3
Posted by: Jean
Sat Sep 4, 2010 12:22 AM
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jean--most of what you said was very sensible except for the last suggestion...an anonymous note. if this is a private company and the boss is the sole owner, he can terminate at will and an anonymous note is more likely to get everyone fired. i know. i've seen it happen.
Comment: #4
Posted by: alien07110
Sat Sep 4, 2010 3:18 AM
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No matter what LW1 does, it's likely to be a no win situation for her. If she informs the wife of the office shenanegans, she'll likely be targeted by both the co-worker and her boss for termination for spilling the beans. If she goes to the co-worker in private, the co-worker she'll use her influence with the boss to get rid of her one way or another. The best option is for all of the office staff to stick together and go to the boss with their concerns. I think it is the height of unprofessionalism for a supervisor/boss to carry on an affair with a subordinate in the workplace. The fact that this pig is married simply makes matters worse. If the entire staff sticks together in their opposition, then the situation may change.
LW2 is beating a dead horse. She came into this situation late and so she doesn't have the full story behind what may have transpired between her husband and his children while they were growing up. He could have been the worst father in the world as far as the children are concerned so they couldn't care less about him now. They take his money because they figure it's the least he can do. What LW2 needs to do is stay out of it. I wouldn't, however, beat around the bush when it comes to the self-entitled daughter who invites herself to stay at the house whenever she deigns to visit. I'd tell her point blank that her distant and one-sided behavior makes me uncomfortable and then give her a list of local hotels. Then, when the daughter stops by (if she bothers) to visit her father, I'd go shopping. After all, LW2 is the wife and it's her house as much as her husband's. That doesn't mean she has to put up with his children.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Chris
Sat Sep 4, 2010 5:42 AM
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How about if you send the anonymous note to the wife? Probably other people besides the office workers know, so the boss would not know it came from an employee. I think it is so disgusting when people have affairs. If your marriage is crappy, work on it or get divorced. Cheaters are scum. I would really hate being part of a cover up.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Stephanie
Sat Sep 4, 2010 7:23 AM
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Re: Chris - Exactly! Thanks for saving me all that typing.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Rick
Sat Sep 4, 2010 8:25 AM
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" I married a widower with two adopted children who don't seem to care about their father except for the money. "
What in the WORLD does the fact that they are adopted have to do with this letter? Does the LW refer to other people's children constantly as their biological children every time she mentions them?
Comment: #8
Posted by: jjlm
Sat Sep 4, 2010 9:31 AM
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Re: jjlm You're right. Whether they are adopted or his own biological has nothing to do with it. One poster brought up about he might not have been a very good father, but what I thought about is that they might be mad he remarried after the death of their mother.
Needing Advise in LW1 needs to be very careful. The boss and coworker know what they are doing is wrong. People who feel guilty already, but want to justify their wrongdoing to themselves, tend to be pretty viscious towards those who remind them they are wrong. If it is a small office in a larger company, try for a transfer. If not, look for another job. If the boss becomes aware of your disapproval, you may need one. People who are untrustworthy in one part of life, their marriage, are generally not trustworthy in other parts of life either. (Personally I think once you no longer have him as boss, it is OK to let the wife know, but don't be surprised if she knows already.)
Comment: #9
Posted by: Elizabeth
Sat Sep 4, 2010 1:15 PM
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The BOSS can't fire someone he's just had an affair with. He'll get sued, and it'll cause massive trouble for his marriage.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Roger
Sat Sep 4, 2010 1:25 PM
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LW1 - don't do anything. Anything you do will come back and bite you. If you are talking about it with your other coworkers, stop because at any minute one of them could (and most likely will) turn on you. Just let it go, do your job and go home unless you are in a good position to quit this job and find another one. In the big picture, your company is nowhere near as loyal to you as you are to it.
There was a time here recently that I was pulled into my manager's office and told that a) my coworker (there are only 2 of us on the shift) didn't want to work with me anymore and b) my negative attitude was having an effect on the department. When he told me that my coworker didn't want to work with me anymore, I said "ok" and he took on a really mean tone and said "be careful what you are ok with because he's been here 12 years and you've been here 4". Needless to say, I was baffled. I asked for specifics and he had none. Now, bear in mind that my coworker had skipped out of work on the clock to go and watch 3 hours of a basketball game downtown, He gave out the password to the most powerful account in the company to a vendor, he routinely showed up late or had to be called at home and awakened. Not to mention the various OCD tendencies that he displayed - the most prevalent being lectures to me about how to staple papers together (the staple must be parallel with the top of the paper), how to bundle up papers that we had printed (the rubber bands needed to be equal distance from the edge of the cardboard), having to make sure that the light switches at the front of the room were in the down position if the lights were off and, lastly, corrected for not speaking Korean to our custodian (who is Korean) when he came in at night to work on our office.
My manager said my "negative attitude" was due to complaints about a software application we have to use wasn't working. Previous to this, upper management had asked us to use the app and report back with what needed to be changed or corrected. I did as I was asked and pointed out several things that might work better if done such and such a way.
Either way, despite the fact that I have never been written up or called on the carpet for any infraction, I was threatened with my job by a manager who was friends with my coworker outside of work. No matter what he had done wrong on the job, he would come out the winner with my manager if it ever came down to that.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Lisa
Sat Sep 4, 2010 1:27 PM
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Alien07110, thanks for catching the potential problem with an "anonymous" note. I realized after I wrote that part that LW 1 did mention they were a "small office." So, in a case like this one, the boss might even recognize the person's "writing style" or tendency to misspell words, or something like that, which of course could lead to a firing, and I agree with you, if the boss is the only boss there at the "small" office, he could let them all go for some reason, of course keeping Miss Pink with him. However the LW and her coworkers decide to handle this, it's going to be rough at times.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Jean
Sat Sep 4, 2010 1:58 PM
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From reading the letter I'm thinking this is a small 'stand alone" office (not part of a big corporation) that offers or supports some sort of service or product. With that in mind I would think it wouldn't be prudent for the boss to fire every, or any, employee if the discomfort with this situation was brought to his attention. Productivity and customer satisfaction would fall dramatically if all the experienced people left and this is jut not good for the bottom line.
If presented well, in business terms and with out emotion and judgment the entire team ( sans the involved employee) could have a meeting with the boss and discuss the situation. A side benefit would be that having it out in the open might clue this Neanderthal in to the fact that if the office knows (duh) his wife may soon find out.
Just a thought.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Rick
Sat Sep 4, 2010 2:18 PM
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LW1: I completely understand your disgust, but IMHO you should protect your job by not saying anything to anyone about it. Just be very professional, do a great job, and let their personal business sort itself out. I have seen plenty of these shenanigans. One of two things will inevitably happen: 1) Girlfriend's infatuation with boss wears off, she gets tired of being #2 and dumps him; or 2) Wife gets suspicious and checks his cell phone, credit card statements, etc. puts 2+2 and kicks him to the curb. The truth will surface. In the meantime, you need the paycheck. Be careful.
Comment: #14
Posted by: PuaHone
Sat Sep 4, 2010 4:56 PM
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LW2 - I've always preferred "move forward" I know it has nearly the same meaning but it somehow feels better, says to me hey, this is part of the past, accept it, where do you go from here. Depending on the person, they might respond to "time to write the next chapter".
Comment: #15
Posted by: Mich
Tue Sep 7, 2010 10:58 AM
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