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Damaging Favoritism Amid Broken Boundaries
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Ex Con on the Straight and Narrow Canned
Dear Annie: After eight years at my job, I was let go. I have a felony record. The CEO who knew of my background retired last year. He felt I had proved myself and had no problem with me. When he retired, we got an interim CEO. I told him about my …Read more.
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Taking Hoarding to New Heights
Dear Annie: My three grown sisters and I have a widowed mother with a severe hoarding problem.
Due to numerous roof leaks and animal infestations, her drywall and ceilings are collapsing. When her neighborhood association took legal action against her, we managed to get a new roof installed. It was the first time in years that we'd had a glimpse of the inside of her house. The trash, clutter and other "junk" (unworn clothing with tags still on, rotting food containers, bags of groceries never put away, refuse thrown in piles, etc.) reach heights of six feet. A small "cow path" exists to navigate from room to room.
We have tried interventions and counseling, but Mom refuses to acknowledge the problem. We have offered to help her clean or find another place to stay. She says it is her business and we are to leave her alone. We do not have a clear picture of Mom's personal finances, but we know the mortgage and monthly utilities are being paid. The furnace, air conditioner and water heater, however, are no longer in working order. When we get together for family outings, her clothes smell of mold and mildew. She cannot shower in her home, as every bathroom is completely unusable except for one toilet. We fear she may one day fall and be unable to call for help.
Mom has two part-time jobs and spends a great deal of time traveling. She doesn't suffer from dementia and so is not considered a danger to herself. We all live close by. Should we continue to offer assistance? Should we seek legal guardianship or just honor her wishes to stay out of her business? — Frustrated Siblings
Dear Siblings: Your mother's hoarding has reached epic levels, and "honoring her wishes" could cause her great harm. This is a form of mental illness, and Mom needs professional help. Please contact the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation (ocfoundation.org/hoarding) at P.O. Box 961029, Boston, MA 02196 for information and a referral to a therapist who specializes in these disorders.
Dear Annie: During the really warm months, we open our windows in the evening to cool our home. The problem is, our neighbors like to sit out on their porch and smoke. Every few weeks, they invite a horde of chain-smoking friends over. Their porch is 15 feet from the only windows that open on that side of our home. Their smoking is very bothersome, and the next day, I find butts flicked onto my property.
We have a neighborly friendship, and our kids play together. I know they have tried, unsuccessfully, to stop smoking. I have thought of telling them I am allergic to cigarette smoke and asking that they please smoke on the other side of their porch, but I simply can't find the right words to broach the subject. Any advice? — Choking in S.W. Washington
Dear Choking: You don't have to claim allergies, but you can certainly tell them quite honestly that you have a sensitivity to cigarette smoke and ask that they please puff away on the side that doesn't face your home. You also can invest in a fan, an air purifier and other inexpensive remedies and see if those help.
Dear Annie: "No Open Casket" said she thinks people don't look "wonderful" in their caskets. They look dead.
The last time I saw my father in the hospital, he was dying of cancer and looked absolutely horrible. At his wake, I had to force myself to view him in the casket, but when I saw him, he looked so peaceful. All his pain was gone. If I had not gone to the viewing, my memories would be of him in his suffering. So my vote is for an open casket. — Better Memories
Dear Better: This is such a personal decision that everyone should let their family members know their preference. Thanks for sharing yours.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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31 Comments | Post Comment
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Sorry Annie, I so totally disagree with your 'neighbor of smoker's' problem. The letter writer wants to open her windows, and the neighbor wants to sit outside and smoke. Currently there is still no law against smoking on your own property. Your letter writer is the one with the problem so she will be the one with the solution. She is just going to have to open windows on the other side of her house. Problem solved. She could actually open the window on that side of the house, stick a fan blowing out, and get a nice cross breeze. What it sounds to me like, is she wants to control her neighbors behavior and that she cannot do. Not even if she asks nicely.
Until smoking in ones own home is against the law, that is literally the last refuge of smokers and the ultra sensitive are just going to have to deal with it or move.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Jenny
Fri Aug 20, 2010 9:19 PM
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Jenny, I disagree. If the neighbors were playing loud music, she'd have every right to complain. If smoke is drifting in her home, how is that not the neighbor's fault? Smoke doesn't just stop at the property line.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Bjkatcher
Fri Aug 20, 2010 10:06 PM
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Gee, Jenny......could you be a smoker?
I'm glad you're not my neighbor, because you seem to care very little about the health and welfare of other people. It might not be illegal, but it sure is inconsiderate, selfish, boorish, and just plain un-neighborly to blow cigarette smoke into your neighbor's windows.
Perhaps when you're older and have emphysema or COPD (or you have a child with asthma) and your neighbors are blowing cigarette smoke into YOUR windows on a hot night you'll change your tune. Us non-smokers who can't tolerate the poison have been chased out of smoke-filled rooms for SEVERAL decades - everywhere from offices, weddings, restaurants to private parties and (gag) elevators - now it's your turn to suffer social banishment for YOUR choice to pollute the air.
You *need* to smoke? Do it alone and inside your own home - windows closed. Sorry, but you have no right to pollute the inside of your neighbor's homes any more than us non-smokers have the right to throw powdered toxins in the air!
Comment: #3
Posted by: Johanna
Fri Aug 20, 2010 10:20 PM
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I am a NON smoker, and I absolutely agree with Jenny. The smoking neighbors are not "blowing cigarette smoke into their neighbor's windows." The neighbor has the windows open when she knows smoke is drifting.
I don't necessarily like the smell of summertime barbecues and the smoke they create, but I'd never ask my neighbors not to grill because I didn't want to close my windows.
It's far more responsible for smokers to smoke on their porch than in their home. Or are the children of smokers less deserving of clean air than the children of nonsmokers?
Comment: #4
Posted by: Tracy
Sat Aug 21, 2010 12:06 AM
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Re: Johanna Unfortunately, we have more protection from loud music than smoke. My experience with smokers is basically that they care more about their smoke than they do people. My inlaws are quite aware I have allergies to their smoking and will still light up in the middle of a conversation sitting next to me. Every time we visit we stay in a hotel, I usually am up to double the recommended dosage of antihistimine by the end of the visit, and I have a cough, sore throat, and chest pain for one to two weeks after the visit. My husband said they were real good about not smoking around me this time. Obviously he paid no attention, because they were actually worse, every five minutes either someone I was talking to lit up in the middle of the conversation or someone came to join it with a cigarette already going. His mother, who passed away from lung cancer several years ago, was the only one in the whole bunch who would ever refrain from lighting up and blowing smoke in my face. Over the years I've watched this bunch chain smoke right next to family members on oxygen for emphesema and lung cancer! And we were visiting lately for yet another funeral due to lung cancer. Literally the only nonsmokers in the whole bunch were myself and my husband, and some very young children and one college student. They do not visit us or another of my husband's siblings because if they did, they couldn't smoke inside our house or car.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Elizabeth
Sat Aug 21, 2010 12:13 AM
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To Frustrated Siblings (LW 1) you have already stated that your mother had told you to "leave her alone." The
Annie's recommendation to call an OCD hotline was weak. True, it may offer some tips and some support, yet your mother sounds extremely set in her ways. You need to approach her problem differently, so that you four aren't the "bad gals". First, contact both of her employers. Mother is wearing clothes that smell bad, and can't use her shower. There are no doubt many complaints from her coworkers that her personal hygiene is horrendous. Bosses are responsible for their staff and customers. No one should be subjected to working close by a person with consistent dirty clothing with bad odors. Second, contact the city or county Health Department in your mother's residential jurisdiction. Also, the Fire department. Piles of garbage, whether or not in bags, and stacks of newspaper, books, magazines and so forth are a safety and fire hazard. The Health and Fire Department can photograph her home and declare your mother unable to care for herself unless immediate changes are made. Check with her neighbors: if your mother leaves her windows open, surely they have noticed bad odors wafting from the trash-filled home. It may hurt to report your mother in this way, yet it's necessary and could save her from a terrible illness and/or accident. So call the authorities and hope your mother gets the desperate help she needs. To Choking (LW 2) I think you will have to use a fan and/or close your windows for the duration the smokers are outside on the porch. The thing that would bother me more is the butts flicked onto my own yard. Good neighbors do not throw any kind of trash on neighbors' property. Ask them nicely to use ashtrays and remind them that thrown butts can start fires if they aren't fully snubbed out when they land in a grassy or garden-type area.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Jean
Sat Aug 21, 2010 1:41 AM
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i'm not a smoker. i hate cigarette smoke. i'm all for banning smoking in public areas. but the neighbor is on his own property. he is allowed to smoke there. get over it. open the window after they are done. ask them not to flick their butts in your yard and deal with the rest of it. don't make a war of them smoking on their own property. you won't win, you will just cause animosity and end up moving.
Comment: #7
Posted by: used2Bhello
Sat Aug 21, 2010 4:40 AM
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LW2 - Yes, it is perfectly legal to smoke on your own property. But there is nothing wrong with ASKING your neighbors to please smoke in the other direction so it doesn't get into your home. If they refuse, there's really nothing they can do about it except open windows in other parts of the house. Annie, however, never addressed the issue of the butts flicked onto the letter writer's property. That is a definite problem. It would be like having your neighbor's dog use your lawn as a toilet. I would definitly approach the neighbors about that, and tell them to please keep the butts on their own lawn. If they don't, perhaps they can call them on littering? I'm not sure.
LW1 - Her mother definitly has a mental illness. She can't shower and she doesn't care that she can't. Who knows when the last time was that she took a shower? Her house is literally falling apart and she doesn't care. I do not vote for them to "leave her alone." She needs help or that house is literally doing to kill her.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Michelle
Sat Aug 21, 2010 5:35 AM
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Perhaps Choking should start with the "subtle approach." Collect those cigarette butts and toss them back into the neighbor's yard a few times and no conversation will be necessary. If anything, you'll probably be confronted by the neighbor, at which time you could respond that you were simply returning the butts to their place of origin. It will only take a few times doing this for the butts to STOP appearing on our property. Also, place some window fans facing outward so that their smoke is blown back on them. Turn the fans on more forcefully than needed so a definite breeze back towards the neighbor's porch is created. Soon the neighbors will be smoking on the other side of the porch by their own choice because they won't want to be in the path of those returned fumes. At the very least, the neighbors may then ask you to turn the fans and you will have the opening you want to explain that you have been suffering with what they ar now complaining of and perhaps smoking on the other side of the porch would be a positive solution for both of you.
Comment: #9
Posted by: graham072442
Sat Aug 21, 2010 6:06 AM
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I am also a non-smoker and agree with Tracey et al about the smoking neighbours. I don't particularly care for cigarette smoke, but what I find just as annoying is non smokers who are hyper sensitive and cranky about a single whiff of cigarette smoke... The type like Johanna who seem to enjoy the idea of smokers getting sick (I'm guessing she is also the type of make fun of fat people at fast food restaurants, motorcyclists, alcoholics and drug addicts, yes?).
I do think that LW can approach her neighbours and tell them the smoke enters her home and she is sensitive to the smell, and ask them not to flick their butts on her property, but that's all she can do. It's best not to make an issue out of it and instead adapt to her neighbours' habit either by using fans and air purifiers, or just closing certain windows when they smoke.
And Johanna, you really need to get over your hatred of smokers. Hate cigarettes, sure, but wishing social banishment and disease on smokers and their children is very ignorant, selfish and boorish indeed.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Zoe
Sat Aug 21, 2010 6:12 AM
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L. A. Graham, that is awful advice. First of all, their own lawn is probably so littered with their cigarette butts that they won't even notice new ones. You seem to be assuming that the smokers are complete jerks. They may not be aware that their guests are flicking butts in all directions and will be happy to tell them not if LW would simply ask.
Also, I'm not sure how far apart the houses are, but they would have to be REALLY close together for a "noticeable" breeze to be created from her yard to their porch. I have some pretty strong fans but more than 10 feet away and I can't feel any breeze. Plus, doing that may just cause the smoke to keep traveling into the yard of the neighbours on the other side of the smokers' house.
Sure, being "subtle" may result in the smokers looking at themselves and realizing that they are being bothersome, but it may also cause them to think that LW is a passive aggressive jerk of a neighbour. Worst case, they may even go out of their way to cause more trouble for her.
I still think that it's best to ask politely, and if that doesn't work, adapt.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Zoe
Sat Aug 21, 2010 6:18 AM
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LW1 said the smoking incident happens only once every few weeks. Can't s/he close their windows for that one day? I'm not a smoker, and don't care for the smell, but one day every coupe of weeks isn't that bad. It's not every day. What she CAN complain about is the butts on her lawn. She can ask the neighbor to make sure that people don't flick butts onto her grass.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Salty
Sat Aug 21, 2010 6:22 AM
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Salty, I understood from her letter than while they smoke on their porch daily and that that is bothersome, it's only every few weeks that the chain smokers come over and flick butts on their lawn.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Zoe
Sat Aug 21, 2010 6:37 AM
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Can we please try to evaluate people's letters honestly? There are indeed many places: townhouse complexes, condo complexes, and some older suburbs where lot lines are extremely close and one person may not have the option of opening "two sets of windows" or getting a "cross breeze." In addition cigarette smoke is really, really a problem for some people. My daughter has asthma, my mother in law has only one lung (not due to smoking). Neighborliness cuts both ways--one must forbear with neighbors and try not to ask them for unfair accomodations, but by the same token the neighbors ought to grasp that they are literally sharing air and space with everyone on all sides of them. If a stream ran between the two houses and the neighbors were dumping their garbage into it the LW would have every right to feel unhappy about it, and to complain. Air pollution and noise pollution are both also forms of pollution (its right in their names) that neighbors and neighborhoods may rightly feel need to be controlled.
Because they are friends and the LW wants to keep the friendship going I think the only thing to do is be direct with the other mother and say "On really nice nights we like to keep our windows open but the smoke from your parties is drifting over and making that impossible. Also, and I'm sure you are not aware of it, sometimes your guests flick their butts into our yard and its killing the grass/affecting the pets/bothering me. Can I help you set up a smoking area on the other side of the house?"
I don't like to reccomend to people a costly and ugly solution like putting in a window air conditioner. It may be the only window in that bedroom and those things are huge and unpleasant and cosstly to deal with. But in the case of a serious overflow of cigarette smoke it might be necessary. I know in my daughter's case it would be.
aimai
Comment: #14
Posted by: aimai
Sat Aug 21, 2010 7:30 AM
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Re: Bjkatcher
Hi, thanks for your honest response. So far, in most communities, loud music is against the ordinances. All voted in. So far no ordinances exist for smoking on your own property no matter where the smoke blows.Until that changes its still the letter writers problem and one she will have to deal with. The PC police have restricted smoking to ones own property just about everywhere but one's own property. Good luck in getting that changed. Property ownership and control of ones property within the law is still nearly sacrosanct in the US. As it should be. The letter writer sounds like an overly sensitive person who probably should not live so close to other, noisy smelly human beings. Perhaps a controlled environment community would be better for her and she should just move. I for one am sick and tired of smarmy overly sensitive people truly believing they have the right to expect the world to change, because they are somehow offended. I am probably older than you, and grew up back when people smoked everywhere. The reported incidence of illness due to secondhand smoke was non existent. Of course now we have many more environmental pollutants causing illness, but to change that would affect corporate profits so its easier to blame it on your neighbor and try to shame them into compliance. If I were that neighbor, I would just as sweetly smile and offer to help them pack.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Jenny
Sat Aug 21, 2010 8:09 AM
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LA Graham, that was perfect advice! That's exactly what I would do. So nice to see somebody with an ounce of common sense.
Johanna, it sounds to me that you have seen the negative effects of smoking first hand. I never liked cigarette smoke but after my dad died from lung cancer (53 years of smoking), it became more than a nuisance. Especially as we learn more about the consequences of second hand smoking.
Comment: #16
Posted by: capiscan
Sat Aug 21, 2010 8:21 AM
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If they don't already know about it, LW1 and family should read: "Digging Out: Helping Your Loved One Manage Clutter, Hoarding, and Compulsive Acquiring," by Michael A. Tompkins and Tamara L. Hartl; also "Buried in Treasures: Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving, and Hoarding," by David F. Tolin, Randy O. Frost, and Gail Steketee, and "Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things," by Frost and Steketee.
As for the issue of smoking, why are some commenters creating problems where there aren't any? The letter was polite and reasonable, and the Annies' response was sensible. In all likelihood this is a solution that will work out just fine. I think a window fan, or even a couple of them, would help a lot. They're not expensive and are a good thing to have anyway.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Van Wickle
Sat Aug 21, 2010 8:27 AM
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My heart goes out to LW1, that is not an easy situation to deal with. My family recently realized that my grandmother is a hoarder. It had not reached the overwhelming condition that LW1's mother had but it's likely that it would have eventually. In any case, I see many similarities such as grocery items not put away, new clothing and jewelry still with tags or in boxes, and canned, refrigerated and frozen items that had gone bad (many of it had spoiled about 30 years ago). My grandmother is now on medication to help her moods and she is in an assisted living home due to other health problems. She is doing much better and seems to be enjoying the activities.
It is absolutely necessary for LW1 to find a way to get her mother help. From what I understand, if the Health Department gets word of her living conditions, they could have her house condemned (as it stands, my grandmother's house may have to be torn down). The other danger here is LW1's mother could wind up homeless. If she moves in with one of her daughters, her hoarding habits will continue.
I wish LW1 much luck and I hope she and her sisters are able to get their mother the help she needs.
Comment: #18
Posted by: LibraryKat
Sat Aug 21, 2010 8:46 AM
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Jenny,
"The Pc police" have driven smoking out of everywhere? and "We never heard of the problems of second hand smoke back in the day" and "Private Property rights are sacrosanct in the US?" You must be joking. Communities have always policed themselves and their pollutants and many activities that affect other people, are taxable, and/or are recreational and/or are dangerous have always been regulated--right from Puritan times. Nothing "PC" about it. As spaces get tighter, neighborhoods get more crowded, or we know more about pollutants we rightly try to manage the balance between private rights and public needs. Second of all, the ignorance of past ages about some disease vector really doesn't mean much. We didn't used to know that malaria was caused by mosquitoes, we didn't know that cholera was caused by bad water. The list of things our very recent ancestors didn't know, that killed people on a regular basis, is really very long. There's no point pointing backwards at our former ignorance as an excuse for present ignorance and contempt for friends and neighbors. Thirdly, lots of Americans live in HOAs and other planned communities where they voluntarily give up all kinds of rights. A man's home is his castle? Doesn't apply in most of America's gated communities where everything is dictated to you right down to the length of your grass and the color of your house--as well as the number of people living in your house. That's not something that happens in some fantasy, liberal, nanny state--its the common practice throughout the red states where lax zoning laws permit businesses and corporations to build wherever they want, and the only protection a homeowner has is if they buy into a controlled suburb/planned community which guarantees them the minimal zoning protection other more regulated communities produce through the democratic process.
There's an old saw "your right to swing your fist at me ends at the end of my nose..." That's basically the situation here: you have two neighbors who are friends, one wishes to enjoy her home undisturbed and asks for a polite way to get a minimal concession from the smokers, the other wishes to smoke out of doors and is perhaps unaware that it is distressing the neighbor. The smokers "right to smoke" on her property is hurting her neighbor's right of enjoyment of *her* property. Your perspective turns this into a zero sum game: if one "wins" the other has to "lose." They'd be better off if they can keep the relationship, enjoy each other's company, and try not to infringe too much on each other's space. In other words: they would be better off handling this not as a conflict of rights, but as a chance to share civility and graciousness with each other. Act like neighbors, in fact. Stop trying to turn this totally ordinary conflict into a major culture war between "overly sensitive people" and innocent, put upon smokers. Its a chance for everyone involved to show a little gracious humanity, not a chance to get your licks in.
aimai
aimai
Comment: #19
Posted by: aimai
Sat Aug 21, 2010 9:52 AM
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For Choking: Bus a window fan and direct it so that the air is pushed out of the house. This will pull air in from other windows, thereby cooling the house and push the smoke filled air outside.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Laura
Sat Aug 21, 2010 11:36 AM
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Buy, not bus...sorry
Comment: #21
Posted by: Laura
Sat Aug 21, 2010 11:37 AM
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Zoe said: "The type like Johanna who seem to enjoy the idea of smokers getting sick" and then she continued to assault MY character; a person Zoe never met (by "guessing" that I "make fun of strangers"?) ....a perfect stranger to Zoe.......gee, you really saying that I'M the one who makes fun of strangers? Pot? Meet kettle.
.
You couldn't be more wrong -- seriously -- if you knew me and knew what I've done with my life, you'd feel incredibly foolish for attacking my character based on what? Defending cigarettes?
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Tell you what; you watch your father, a kind, mild-mannered man who never smoked a SINGLE cigarette in his life, die a slow and painful death of lung cancer caused by the second-hand smoke of family members he constantly asked not to smoke near him and several life-long co-workers who smoked like chimneys....people who constantly scoffed at his polite requests to stop smoking around him. You see, they often explained, they had the right to smoke. Which, essentially, gave them "the right" to inflict lung cancer on my dad.
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When you spend two years, 24/7, caring for a dying parent in constant pain, Zoe, then you've earned the right to judge me. Until then, well, try to stop assaulting the character of people you don't know and never met. I never once said or implied I "enjoyed" the idea of ANYONE getting sick -- and I never, ever would.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Johanna
Sat Aug 21, 2010 11:39 AM
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So sorry about your father, Johanna.
If anyone still doesn't believe that second-hand smoke is harmful, here's a story from yesterday: http://www.webmd.com/smoking-cessation/news/20100820/even-low-tobacco-smoke-exposure-is-risky
Comment: #23
Posted by: Van Wickle
Sat Aug 21, 2010 12:55 PM
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If after asking politely for your neighbors to quick smoking outside and they continue to do so, may I suggest the following?
Purchase a package of chitlins (hog intestines--a southern speciality). Close the windows of your home--tightly. Then set up an electric hot plate outside or gas grill. Put chitlins in a big pot of water. Set a fan so the smoke goes towards the neighbors. The smell will soon drive them inside. After this works, let them cool and drain off water and then wrap in several layers of plastic and thow them away. (Or find someone from the South who actually likes the things!)
A few episodes of chitlin boiling should get the point across!
Letter 2: The writers of this column have reached a new low in actually giving effective advice. You cannot force someone to submit to therapy. Even if court ordered, therapy only works when a client is willing to acknowledge the problem and change. People have the right to live in filth if they want to--unless they violate city ordinances or codes. The best chance this family has is to report the woman to every agency they can think of. If they are lucky, the authorities will force a cleanup. Even if this happens, it will only be temporary. Hoarders do not change and they will re-offend unless they are themselves convinced of the need to change and voluntarily submit to therapy. The family should be pitied--their hands are tied. No one can control the mentally ill unless they are a threat to themselves or others--and authorities are not likely to commit someone for hoarding. In my state, we have so few mental health facilities and beds, if that happened, the mentally ill person would probably be housed in a jail until one of the few beds comes open.
Real world picture: you have no hope of saving this person. The family should learn to disengage for their own sanity and well being.
Comment: #24
Posted by: delorisdelio
Sat Aug 21, 2010 4:06 PM
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Good old "get therapy": the modern day equivalent of "I don't know, but go find someone and pay them to tell you they don't know either."
Comment: #25
Posted by: R.A.
Sat Aug 21, 2010 4:45 PM
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Re: R.A.: Spoken with all the certitude of someone who obviously knows nothing about therapy.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Van Wickle
Sun Aug 22, 2010 7:25 AM
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Reminds me of when I lived in a ground floor apartment. The couple in the apartment above me would sit outside on their patio and chain smoke. I dealt with having to close my windows when they were out there, but the cigarette butts were where I drew the line. They liked to just dump their ashtrays off the edge of their balcony - into my patio. After all polite avenues were exhausted and the apartment manager failed to take action, I started sweeping all their butts up and then leaving them on their doorstep with a note saying: "You dropped these." For awhile they retaliated by dropping additional trash into my patio, but I would do the same with the trash that I did with the cigarettes. Eventually they figured out that everything they dumped into my patio was going to end up on their doorstep and they learned to throw away their own freakin' trash.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Lola
Mon Aug 23, 2010 9:29 AM
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How are the smoking neighbors to realize that their smoke is drifting in through LW's windows if she's never told them? The heavy-duty retaliations (chitlins? really?) suggested here aren't going to solve anything, only cause the kind of feud LW wants to prevent.
If I were LW and I liked these neighbors, I'd bring over a new fan, and a batch of cookies and say, "I'm sure you don't realize it, but the smoke is drifting in through my only windows, and I've got a real sensitivity to it. I know you absolutely have the right to smoke with your friends here, but would you mind running this fan on low and directing the smoke another direction? You can plug into my exterior outlet over here, and the breeze might even make it more comfortable for you -- mosquitoes can't land when there's a breeze!"
Comment: #28
Posted by: hedgehog
Mon Aug 23, 2010 12:51 PM
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Here's an idea. LW2, don't open the window on the nights they have the parties! Heaven forbid you be discomforted for a few minutes.
I'm a smoker. I understand that non-smokers don't want my 'problem' to become theirs, but you will never infringe on my right to smoke in my home or car.
Comment: #29
Posted by: Candi Anne
Tue Aug 24, 2010 11:03 AM
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Annie, your advice to the Frustrated Siblings with the hoarding mother fell way short. What's the use directing her to where she can find a specialised therapist if the hoarder won't even acknowledge she has a problem and won't go? What was asked was whether they should seek legal guardianship, which is a fair question. My own answer would be that they should atempt one last intervention with that as a threat, and be prepared to follow through, because they will likely have to. They can bring the printed Annie column as an opening to the day's agenda. The woman may not suffer from dementia and may be competent to handle her own affairs in most respects, but not that one. And no, she may not be a danger to herself right now, but the situation the siblings are describing sounds like a crisis ready to explode any minute now.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Aug 24, 2010 7:39 PM
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Thank you aimai for being the voice of reason today. I read these responses sometimes and think people must've just skimmed the column or only read the advice section. The LW didn't want to start a war so all the commonts that involved her using passive aggressive mean behavior were unwarranted and just bad advice for the situation. And all the comments about "smoker's rights" were mostly so absurd I don't want to respond except to say "If you are so crazy you think you have a "right" (not just a privilege but a Right) to smoke wherever you want, whenever you want, and around whomever you want, then please go crawl back under whatever rock you came from and leave the rest of the sane people - smokers and nonsmokers alike - alone. Thanks.
Comment: #31
Posted by: michelle
Wed Aug 25, 2010 12:24 PM
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