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Rx for Painful Sex
Dear Annie: I have been dating the woman of my dreams for a year. She treats me incredibly well, and we both are very much in love.
Like most adults our age, at first we had sex every week. However, over the past few months, "Jane" has not been willing to make love and has not shown much sign of physical attraction toward me. I confronted her about it, and she said sex is painful. We agreed to try to make things better and not give up on a potentially great sex life.
Since that conversation, Jane still hasn't shown any physical interest. I have tried setting the right atmosphere, and I always tell her how beautiful and sexy she is. I would never want to put her through anything she doesn't enjoy, but I truly want a good sex life with the woman I love and believe it can be achieved.
Should I confront her again, or do you have any other suggestions? — Loving Boyfriend
Dear Boyfriend: The right atmosphere and nice compliments are not going to solve Jane's problem. She needs to see her gynecologist and explain that she is suffering from painful intercourse (dyspareunia). There can be a variety of causes, both physical and psychological, and an array of treatments. But it is important that Jane talk to someone knowledgeable. Ask Jane if she would like you to accompany her so you can learn how to be supportive and helpful. She sounds worth it.
Dear Annie: I am (God help me) thinking about having my 80-year-old mother move in with me. In some ways, it would benefit both of us. Her health is deteriorating, she is on a small fixed income, and my own post-divorce finances are shaky. However, Mom is highly controlling and critical and tends to be spiteful when she doesn't get her way.
I have serious concerns about being able to maintain my privacy and my identity should she come to live with me. There is a limit to the number of nasty remarks I am willing to tolerate, and just because she disapproves of my career, my music preferences, my friends, etc., doesn't mean I'm going to change my ways.
Can you give me some advice on how to address these issues in advance? Is there a Bill of Rights for when parents move in? — Trying To Do My Duty
Dear Trying: Not that we know of. We recommend you and your mother have a nice long talk before she moves in. Explain that living together will require compromises from both of you, and it's best to iron out some of the problem areas in advance. She should not expect you to change your lifestyle in order to please her, and you must allow her to maintain her independence. Learn to turn a deaf ear to some of her criticisms, and say "no" when she makes unreasonable demands. If you are consistently polite but firm about it, she will eventually adjust — and so will you.
Dear Annie: "Frustrated Bride-to-Be" said she is getting married soon and wants her guests to make donations to charity instead of giving wedding gifts, but her friends and relatives don't seem to be complying.
I recommend she register at her local retailers for only sensible everyday items like towels, sheets, dishes, cups, pot and pans. After the wedding, she can take the unwrapped gifts to her local women's shelter or the charity of her choice. These things would bring tremendous joy to someone in need. This solution gets her the outcome she wants without forcing her guests to stop giving presents. And, as you stated, she should be sure to send thank-you notes. — Tris
Dear Tris: A lovely solution! Thanks for suggesting it.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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Comments
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45 Comments | Post Comment
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To "Trying to do my duty" -- run, don't walk, from this situation. If you move in with your mother, feeling as you do about her, it will be a nightmare for both of you. Your mother is psychologically abusive and controlling. Better to watch your budget and struggle financially, than die inside before your time.
Comment: #1
Posted by: sarah morrow
Tue Aug 10, 2010 11:46 PM
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Trying to do my Duty: Really? You already know what your mother is like. You think she is going to change at this stage of her life? If she's not been respectful of your way of life up until now, get ready for a magnified version of that if she moves in with you. If you're offering to have her live with you out of love and not a sense of duty, and you both work at respecting each other's privacy, it can work and be beneficial to you both. But it doesn't sound like you have that sort of relationship with her. I agree with sara morrow...run from this.
to Tris on "Frustrated Bride to Be": On the surface, this sounds like a lovely suggestion, however, I would give fair warning to your guests that this is your plan, rather than just pack up all of the gifts and cart them to a shelter. Your friends and relatives may be offended that they spent the time and energy to purchase a gift only to find that you've not even opened them. somehow let your guests know that "all gifts will be donated to charity" That way they won't be blindsided by your regifting.
Comment: #2
Posted by: JustMe
Wed Aug 11, 2010 12:07 AM
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LW1: She needs to see her doctor. Pain is an indication of something being wrong. No amount of romantic gestures, regardless of how thoughtful, will alleviate the pain. Don't "confront" her. Tell her you're concerned about her health and encourage her to see her doctor. If she's hesitant because of the cost...offer to pay. Not everyone has insurance.
Comment: #3
Posted by: JustMe
Wed Aug 11, 2010 12:10 AM
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I agree with Tris (LW3) that donating the gifts to womens' shelters or a charitable organization is fine. She didn't suggest the bride take the packages unopened! She agrees that thank-you notes are in order, so obviously she will have to open the gifts so she can thank the giver for the right item(s). She may also choose to keep a few for herself in the process. Re LW2, "Duty", I think you are going to regret the decision to allow your mother to move in, even if you do have the "long talk" that the Annies recommend. A "long talk" will not change your mother. She sounds like a relative who is very stubborn, very adamant, and unable to "roll with the punches." If you were to let Mother move in on a "temporary" basis, based on Mother's ability to cope and accept you as you are, perhaps that is all right. But do not, under any circumstances, invite your mother to join you, no matter how many talks you have first, because she is too old to change herself or her ways now. Please be careful before you make such a rash change in your life. To LW1 "Loving Boyfriend" how sweet you are to care about the woman you love. The Annies are right; the compliments are not what is needed just now. A gynecologist or even sex therapist is the way to go. Perhaps there is a physical or psychological reason your lady has pain and doesn't enjoy sex. In meantime, there are other ways to be close, including snuggling or sensual touching. I wish you both the best of luck.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Jean
Wed Aug 11, 2010 12:22 AM
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Jean: mea culpa on the gift opening. I misread that part. That's what I get for reading when tired.
Thanks for pointing that out!
Comment: #5
Posted by: JustMe
Wed Aug 11, 2010 12:41 AM
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I hate to inform LW1 but if sex is painful for his lady love, she's already conditioned herself to avoid it like the plague. Even if she seeks treatment, I doubt she's going to transform into a sex goddess who wants it once a day and twice on Sundays. Sex is about quality, not quantity. If having sex multiple times a week is something utterly important, and your lady isn't that into it, then perhaps the two of you aren't as compatible as you hoped.
LW2 is highly advised against living with her mother. It sounds as though she barely tolerates the woman as it stands now. The two of them will soon be like two ally cats in a duffel bag once they move in together. Find other arrangements, for both your sakes.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Chris
Wed Aug 11, 2010 4:16 AM
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Re LW2: "We recommend you and your mother have a nice long talk before she moves in." I recommend that the talk last about 20 years.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Carla
Wed Aug 11, 2010 4:48 AM
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Re LW2: "We recommend you and your mother have a nice long talk before she moves in." I recommend that the talk last about 20 years.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Carla
Wed Aug 11, 2010 4:50 AM
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"If you are consistently polite but firm about it, she will eventually adjust — and so will you." Whoever wrote this has never dealt with this situation. RUN. You will be the one to adjust, and it will not be a healthy life for you. You will become the live-in whipping post, and it will slowly suck the life out of you. If you are lucky, a few years after her passing, you will be able to find yourself again. I did. My sister has never recovered from the mean, hateful things mother said.
Comment: #9
Posted by: julie
Wed Aug 11, 2010 5:49 AM
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TWICE "loving boyfriend" said he "confronted" his girlfriend about not wanting sex. Geez, how romantic. I agree she may need medical attention, but maybe he needs to learn a thing or two about female readiness. And as one poster pointed out, if it's an unpleasant experience the first few times, she's already got the fear before things even get started. Maybe they both need some couples therapy focusing on sexual compatibility.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Wed Aug 11, 2010 6:17 AM
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LW1 - She's not into you anymore. Sorry. If it really was painful for her to have sex and, she really wanted to have sex with you don't you think she would have already gone to see her ob-gyn about it? She's got options here and I think she's exercising them. Suggest, once, that she see a doctor. She won't. You have your answer.
LW2 - I think you should follow the Annies' advice and have that heart to heart with your mom. After you've had that chat the two of you can sit in your jammies on your canopy bed and paint each other's nails and braid your hair. And then you can hop on your awesome magic unicorns and gallop off to the Land of Magic Moments where the Annie's live because there, in that mystical, wonderful land you can erase 80 years worth of nasty personality with one long chat. Yeah. Let us know how that works for ya, okay?
LW3 - That really is a very good idea.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Rick
Wed Aug 11, 2010 6:40 AM
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Wow! You guys have no love for a lady with a sore vajayjay!
Some time ago, that letter could have been about me. At first with my fiancé, everything was great (hot and heavy, as they say) and then things started to slow down and become routine and I started to experience pain. It took some time but with his support I went to my doctor who unfortunately found nothing wrong. Turns out I'm just shallow and need "warming up" or a more careful choice of position (like t-square).
Additionally, I didn't get the impression that his confrontations were aggressive (I think that's just the word he's using to mean "I talked to her about it" or "I brought up the subject").
We also don't know how old the couple is. If they are young, she may indeed not have seen her doctor yet and she may not yet be completely conditioned to be afraid of sex.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Zoe
Wed Aug 11, 2010 6:53 AM
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LW1 - Rick, you've spoken like a truly clueless man. You have no idea how difficult it is for a woman to bring up painful privates to a doctor because the minute you mention anything below the waist, out comes the speculum and the gloved hand.
Pelvic exams for us are what prostate exams are for you, at BEST. There's a reason some doctors put mini posters of Hawaii or cuddly kittens on the ceiling right where the woman's head is when she's lying on the table.
It doesn't mean it shouldn't be done. The pain could be from something as simple and easily fixable as a yeast infection, and if the girlfriend's never had one she wouldn't realize that's a symptom. But to expect the girlfriend in this case to go GREAT idea honey, jump in her car and break speed limits to bang down her GYN's door the minute the boyfriend suggests she have this checked out by a doctor, and to suggest this be some sort of ultimatum on the whole relationship, is nuts.
LW2 - Agreeing with everyone else. The Annies blew it - you don't get around an abrasive person by having a "long talk." Your Mom acts the way she does because it gets her results, be it control over a situation or getting you to feel bad, or so that she can avoid responsibility for her unbalanced disposition. Either way it isn't worth it.
I know living as a divorcee is hard - I did it while raising my daughter for about five years and it's scary and painful when a marriage you entered thinking it was going to be for life blows up in your face. It sucks.
But take it from someone who lived with her abusive parents a while to make ends meet, it is NOT worth it. It will bring up old, unresolved wounds that still won't get resolved, if anything you'll risk having them opened even more, and you'll feel like you don't matter in your own home even though you were there first.
If you really need a roommate to help get by then put out an ad. I guarantee you'll have better chances keeping your sanity living with someone new than trying to deal with your mother... and if it doesn't work out you'll have an easier time evicting a roomie you don't know well versus Mom.
LW3 - Lovely suggestion!
Comment: #13
Posted by: PS
Wed Aug 11, 2010 7:15 AM
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Re: PS - Of course I'm a truly clueless man when it comes to personal experience with a gynecologist. However, if this man's girlfriend is experiencing pain when she has sex and does not get it checked out, regardless of how unpleasant the experience may be, she is certainly sending a strong message to the LW. So, are you suggesting that she do nothing and he can expect "the woman of his dreams" to never be intimate with him? All I'm saying is that he should make the suggestion and if she doesn't follow through then he needs to revaluate his position here.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Rick
Wed Aug 11, 2010 8:38 AM
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Re: Rick
Read my post again... I said the fact that a pelvic exam is unpleasant does NOT mean she shouldn't do anything. Pain from sex can be due to something as simple as a yeast infection, or it can be more serious, such as endometriosis (which makes sex REALLY hurt like hell), or worse yet, cancer - if it turns out painful sex reveals an early stage tumor, seeing her doctor could save her life. Trust me I do not disagree with you that something should be done.
All I'm saying is that the guy should give this girlfriend he claims to be so mad about a little compassion and patience. Yes, suggest she check things out, but be kind about it and as someone else mentioned, go from the standpoint of being concerned over her health... and from there he should stand back, give her space, but also let her know he supports her.
However, if she needs to take a couple weeks to work up the nerve, it's wrong to be an ass and say okay that's it, we're through. It sounds like there's a lot more invested than their hormones in that relationship, and it would be a shame to throw that away over a temporary dry spell. Please.
I mean geez Louise, if all men should dump women because they don't put out as unpaid call girls on demand, then my husband should have given me the boot because I abstain outside marriage for religious reasons. Thank God he's more mature than that and was willing to wait until our wedding night. Trust me, I've made it worth his while ever since.
Comment: #15
Posted by: PS
Wed Aug 11, 2010 8:55 AM
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All this talk about vajayjays...am I the only man with his fingers in his ears humming the tune to Madonna's "Hey Mr. DJ put a record on I want to dance to some music..."
Comment: #16
Posted by: Chris
Wed Aug 11, 2010 9:02 AM
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I believe that some women who say that sex is painful say it because they don`t want to do it for other reasons and that is their way of getting out of doing something they don`t want to do.I have seen it happen
Comment: #17
Posted by: jackie6466
Wed Aug 11, 2010 9:06 AM
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Re: Chris - I'm right there with you Chris starting right now :-)
Comment: #18
Posted by: Rick
Wed Aug 11, 2010 9:19 AM
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I'm female and completely agree with you Rick. She's been in a relationship for a year and doesnt want sex - pain sounds like an excuse to me if she hasnt gone to have it checked out already. I dont care about how afraid she is of sex - she enjoyed it before and now is avoiding it for some reason. regardless of what that reason is, she is not worth it (sorry, annies you are wrong on this) since she hasnt tried to take to find out what is wrong and is just avoiding it and avoiding him in the process.
A speculum isnt going to kill you, ladies.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Oveta
Wed Aug 11, 2010 9:51 AM
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Um... ALL pelvic exams are extremely painful, not to mention humiliating. I managed to get important parts of my anatomy pulled literally inside out. Although everything went back in place and two gynecologists have asserted that there's nothing wrong with me except a bit of scarring, sex with men is painful now and probably always will be. The only reason I can imagine anyone wanting to go through with it is if they want children.
Comment: #20
Posted by: R.A.
Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:08 AM
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Um... ALL pelvic exams are not painful, nor humiliating. These are paid professionals trying to help you live a healthier/better life. Is having a cholectomy humiliating? It's just another body part.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Oveta
Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:43 AM
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Um... ALL pelvic exams are not painful nor humiliating. These are trained professionals trying to help you live a better/healthier life. Is a cholectomy humiliating? Its just another body part.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Oveta
Wed Aug 11, 2010 11:01 AM
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Um... ALL pelvic exams are not painful nor humiliating. These are trained professionals trying to help you live a better/healthier life. Is a cholectomy humiliating? Its just another body part.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Oveta
Wed Aug 11, 2010 11:02 AM
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Um... ALL pelvic exams are not painful nor humiliating. These are trained professionals trying to help you live a better/healthier life. Is a cholectomy humiliating? Its just another body part.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Oveta
Wed Aug 11, 2010 11:07 AM
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Um... ALL pelvic exams are not painful nor humiliating. These are trained professionals trying to help you live a better/healthier life. Is a cholectomy humiliating? Its just another body part.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Oveta
Wed Aug 11, 2010 11:08 AM
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Re: Chris ---Oh boy. And I thought I was the shy one way back when I was younger. I guess it takes age and experience with a number of health problems (my own and other family members') to get over that. So look at it this way, anything you read and learn about women's health issues here can only help you be more understanding of the women in your life. That may be your mom, wife, sister, gf, daughter, whoever. I don't know your age or family situation; so I included a whole range of possibles. I don't mean to imply you have both a wife and gf. ;-) BTW, women also (myself included) should understand men's issues as well. Men seem to have a tendency to ignore health problems and it often takes a wife to get them to see a doctor. I read somewhere that one of the reasons there are more widows than widowers is that same reason - men don't go to have things checked out with their doctors in a timely fashion. So you can bet that when I think there's a problem, I make my husband see a doctor.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Wed Aug 11, 2010 11:16 AM
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Re: Oveta and everyone else who thinks a pelvic is no big deal
Well, goody for you. So you've never been a survivor of sexual abuse, or have had reproductive health issues that cause chronic pain or discomfort, or even had a doctor do something during a pelvic that you weren't prepared for or maybe was even wrong of him or her to do. I've been in all three camps and to this day I still get nervous and shaky when it comes time for my checkup, even though my doctor is incredibly considerate and I'm otherwise comfortable with her.
"It" is not just another body part. Take it as someone who had a hysterectomy while still young enough to have kids, you identify yourself as a woman based on "it" a lot more than you think. "It" is a very vulnerable and intimate part of you that most women feel very protective about, and sometimes you don't realize that until "it" is gone. Comparing a cholectomy to a pelvic exam is like comparing apples to oranges.
By the way, I dare you to tell a guy that his balls are just another body part, especially after he's gotten racked down there. You won't make fast friends that way.
Pain is NOT normal for a woman, though many doctors still imply that's the case. Many still preach that every woman should have pain during their periods when that isn't true. Pain is a body's way of saying something is wrong. That's why, once again, I do not disagree something needs to be done.
But I do believe, as the Annies are in this case, that it's important to give the benefit of the doubt and that the way someone approaches what IS a delicate matter can make all the difference. We cannot assume that she's just shrugging him off as an excuse. It's better to explore all options first before imploring the young man to throw away a relationship he obviously cares about very much.
Comment: #27
Posted by: PS
Wed Aug 11, 2010 11:38 AM
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LW#2 I tried to live with my mother-in-law it lasted a year 360 days too long. We were the best of in-laws before she moved in. You know the saying Misery likes company, well that's what happened. She made our lives miserable. We gave her everything and she still complained about everything. We finally had to find another place for her. The relationship has never fully recovered, we are civil but not much more. I've talked to many people that have tried to take their parents or parent into their home and 9 out of 10 people had the same experience or worse. If your mom is mean and nasty now she will only get worse. Whatever she says now to make you mad will only increase 10-fold. Two women in a single household does not work.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Kelly
Wed Aug 11, 2010 12:06 PM
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There was an article in Annie's mailbox a couple of months before my MIL moved in. The same thing happened to them. Great relationship, MIL or Mother moved in, months later destryoed relationship, had to find a new living arrangement for her and relationship never recovered. I remember her saying, no matter what do everything in your power to find her other living arrangements before ever considering letting another woman move into the house. I wish I would of heeded her advise. Maybe I would have such a strained relationship with my MIL. Ask your friends about happens when a mother or MIL moves in, most stories don't end well.
Comment: #29
Posted by: Kelly
Wed Aug 11, 2010 12:12 PM
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Re: LW2, I think how it is signed says it all "Trying to do my duty"; the letter does not mention love of the mother; just that in some ways, which are financial, it would benefit them both. LW2 describes the mother as "highly controlling, critical & tends to be spiteful when she doesn't get her way"
The Annies suggest a nice long talk prior to Mom moving in, turning a deaf ear, just say "no" & be polite but firm & mom will adjust----not likely! An 80 y/o is NOT going to adjust particularly the one described who doesn't seem to have appropriate social skills, at least where her adult child is concerned.
LW2 can 'do their duty' by visiting mom at HER place & providing help as needed but then LW2 can escape to the peace & quiet of their own home when mom gets critical, makes nasty remarks, & acts spiteful. If mom can no longer safely live alone, there are many assisted living facilities that meet the needs of people not able to safely live alone who do not yet meet the need for full time care in a nursing home facility.
My advice to "Trying to do my duty" RUN FORREST RUN
Comment: #30
Posted by: Lucy Ray
Wed Aug 11, 2010 12:32 PM
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I agree with everyone else that LW2 should NOT have her mother move in with her. The only thing that would be worse than living with an abusive parent in their home, under their roof, is enduring that torture in your own home. I agree with PS "you'll feel like you don't matter in your own home even though you were there first." Exactly. And *then* where can you go? One should feel comfortable and safe in one's own home. Living in the worst and poorest conditions with freedom and happiness is better than having a supplemental income from mom and being abused, miserable and trapped. That's experience talking.
LW3 is certainly free to do as she pleases with her gifts. But my only issue is that her guests would be buying these gifts for her and if she doesn't tell them beforehand what she intends to do with the gifts, there could be a lot of hard feelings if they later found out what she did with them. I think she should mention what she plans to do if she does plan to go this route. Sometimes, gift givers spend a ton of time and effort trying to be thoughtful and pick out something that they think the recipient will like. They spend extra time or money to find the right fabric, color or whatever will match the recipient's style. For example, if I knew in advance that the new towels I was buying someone were going to go to charity, I'd just buy something plain and on sale. But if I know my friend likes sailboats and has a blue bathroom, I might go to several stores looking for towels that would match that. I'd be really annoyed if I went out of my way to pick something for a friend's bathroom, only to have it given to charity, when white towels on sale at the first store I went to would have been good enough. However, for this reason, I generally just buy something off a registry, because I've seen this "thoughtfulness" backfire in similar ways, so many times.
Comment: #31
Posted by: FAW
Wed Aug 11, 2010 1:19 PM
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Are there any female readers of this column besides me that havent been a victim/abused/molested/have horrible relationship with their families?
Comment: #32
Posted by: Oveta
Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:52 PM
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Oveta - I haven't! And I see my family plenty, we all get along just fine. And on today's topic - my dad's mother lived with us for several years (moved in when I was in college), then in a nursing home nearby (when she needed more care than my mother could physically handle) for a couple years before she died, and my mom spent more time with her than anyone. [I read every day but I rarely post (actually, this might be only the 2nd time).]
Comment: #33
Posted by:
Wed Aug 11, 2010 3:26 PM
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Re: FAW I agree. I would want to know what she intended with the gifts. Instead of spending time looking and searching for matching items I would buy cheaper (but a larger quantity) of stuff. I would be doubly insulted to take Tris' advice and donate them wrapped. The least she could do is unwrap the gifts!
LW1 Not sure what to think of this. If sex was painful why would she not say anything ? They had sex at least once a week from the start of the relationship. If sex is painful why would she not say something and let the guy think she's not interested? After a year I would assume they would have a relationship where they can actually talk.
Comment: #34
Posted by: Cathy
Wed Aug 11, 2010 4:26 PM
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Re: Rick Using your measure here, should a woman dump a man who procrastinates about going to see the doctor about ED? In that case there would be even a lot more middle + aged divorces than there are. One thing I thought about is that perhaps she is middle-aged and has dryness. Especially if she did not have the problem at the beginning as it comes as you progress through menopause or sometimes as a side effect to medications. Many times doctors either blow it off or push hormone pills, either one of which makes a woman hesitant to try the doctor for the problem again. And yes, I know a good doctor should offer other solutions and that there are other solutions available. I simply stated what happens many times.
Comment: #35
Posted by: Elizabeth
Wed Aug 11, 2010 4:37 PM
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Re: FAW and Cathy, I totally agree about the wedding presents. Not explaining it ahead of time could really backfire and hurt gift-givers' feelings. And shelters can definitely make better use of a larger quantity of less expensive sheets, towels, etc. rather a few fancy-schmancy items. I think it's a terrific idea, but it would work best if guests are fully informed from the beginning. Checking with shelters/other charities ahead of time to get their wish lists and sharing that information with the invitees would also make a lot of sense.
Comment: #36
Posted by: Van Wickle
Wed Aug 11, 2010 5:03 PM
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It's hard to know what's going on with LW1's situation. If the relationship is truly good otherwise, as good as the LW says, you'd think the girlfriend would be more motivated to get help. But there may other things going on, and age (with peri/meno/low desire issues) could be a factor. She many know more about her condition than she's saying and know that it's not so easy to fix, or she may be too scared/embarrassed/discouraged to get help. Of course it's also possible that her enthusiasm for the relationship - or at least the sexual part of it - has waned. More communication would certainly be a good idea! In any case I think the Annies' advice is good.
LW2's plan is probably not a good idea, given that she seems to have zero enthusiasm for it herself. Reading Deborah Tannen's book "You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation" might help the relationship some. Also "I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs, and Kids When You're All Adults," by Deborah Tannen.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Van Wickle
Wed Aug 11, 2010 5:34 PM
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Re: Elizabeth - If the man had ED and refused to have it checked and/or refused to do anything about it and if having an active sex life was important to his partner than yes, I think some serious thinking about the relationship should occur. A man with ED who is content to do nothing about it knowing that is partner is unfulfilled apparently does not care enough about his partner to take some steps to rectify the problem. That is sending the partner a strong message.
Is this case maybe she does have dryness as you suggested. Maybe she has one of a thousand other physical issues but she can never find out and possibly get it fixed unless she gets it checked. If she refuses to discuss it, see a doctor about it or do anything else then, yes I think the LW needs to look at his options because she is sending a strong message if she refuses to have it checked out. That's all I'm saying here.
Comment: #38
Posted by: Rick
Wed Aug 11, 2010 5:37 PM
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Repeated pain during intercourse is not normal and could definitely indicate more serious problems. However, many women are too embarrassed to mention these things during a routine exam. Hopefully LW1 will encourage his girlfriend to get a complete medical workup - as unpleasant as a pelvic exam can be, the alternatives are worse.
Comment: #39
Posted by: C Weisinger
Wed Aug 11, 2010 5:40 PM
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Have you guys even considered that perhaps sex has always been painful for her. Just because she use to put out once a week for him does not mean she did not experience pain during it when they first met. She could have always had painful sex with him and just never said anything to him. Perhaps she was doing it out of fear of disappointing him or that he would leave her otherwise. She may have even not gone to a gynecologist yet because she has already tried the medical route, and they were not able to do anything for her (or perhaps she just does not have insurance).
I say all this because I also have pain during intercourse. When I first met my husband, I did not tell him about this personal issue because it was embarrassing. Instead, I gritted my teeth and was intimate with him despite the pain because I love him and I didn't want him to leave me like my other bfs did (because I would not have sex with them... that was literally the reason they gave me). After a few years, I got tired of having to have sex so frequently because of the pain, and finally told him about the problem. My husband was the best man I have ever been with in every aspect and I was terrified he would leave me. He kept pushing me to go to a OBGYN, but I could not get him to understand I had already gone through the med gauntlet for 5 yrs before I met him because of painful intercourse, and they found nothing wrong with me. Pelvic exams are excruciating for me and I did not want to endure more tests down there so I refused at first... Mostly because I had lost hope and had begun to believe I would always be like that. Mine turned out to be from psychological scars due to rape (I found this out when I eventually found a good doctor who took the time to listen to me). I learned to associate sex with that pain since I was raped as a small child, and that's why it always hurt for me, and it still hurts when I have sex, just not as bad because my husband is kind, understanding, and patient enough to take it slow with me and warm me up adequately and lovingly before hand. He inspired me to believe I could one day have nonpainful sex because he is so patient in the bedroom and always looking for ways to make me more comfortable when we are intimate. LW1 should understand that this may be an issue that isn't so easy to solve in just a few doctor's visits,... it may take years to solve if it is psychological like mine. He should evaluate how much he loves her, and if she is worth it, then begin investing the time in her. I'm glad my husband was that kind of man.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Maria
Wed Aug 11, 2010 7:28 PM
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Thank you for telling your story, Maria. It's wonderful that your husband is so kind and loving and that the situation is improving. Hope you'll be completely free of pain someday.
Some basic info about this condition here (on "print" so that all text displays on one page):
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/painful-intercourse/DS01044/METHOD=print
Comment: #41
Posted by: Van Wickle
Wed Aug 11, 2010 9:22 PM
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Thanks Maria, for being brave enough to share that. I'm sorry to hear about your past but I'm very glad that you have a wonderful husband.
Comment: #42
Posted by: FAW
Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:55 PM
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I'm copying and pasting my comment here since it ended up on the next day's column, sorry for the annoying duplicate.
Re: Maria
Hugs if okay! Thank you for sharing your story, that was very brave of you... and bless your husband!
I experience pain from repairs to correct childbirth injuries that were done along with my hyst, inside and out, including rebuilding my perineum completely, so I understand. It doesn't totally stop me from being able to enjoy it, it's slowly improving with time, and in some ways it's better than what I used to live with, but we still have to take it slow, and take breaks of up to a week in between, or else the scar tissue reminds me that I'm not as young or intact as I used to be. Like your husband mine has been a wonderful and patient man about that, as well as times my PTSD flares up and makes me incapable of getting intimate on that end.
Comment: #43
Posted by: PS
Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:08 AM
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Rick, you are right as rain, man. and hilarious to boot. I'm a chick and I agree 100%.
Comment: #44
Posted by: Anne
Fri Aug 13, 2010 5:05 AM
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Thanks guys, and to PS, I'm glad you have such a wonderful husband, and I hope things continue to get better for you. :)
Comment: #45
Posted by: Maria
Fri Aug 13, 2010 11:10 PM
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