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Reservations for Three
Dear Annie: My husband and his brother are very close. Too close. "Chris" calls his brother every day, sometimes twice a day, and talks for an hour or more each time. Whenever we go out, it is to his brother's house two hours away.
Recently, Chris and I celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. We reserved a room in a nice hotel, which just happened to be near his brother. Shortly before we arrived, his brother called to say he'd meet us at the hotel and take us out to dinner for our anniversary. This was a nice gesture, but we had already made other plans, which we then canceled. After dinner, his brother came back to the hotel and spent most of the evening with us. In the morning, we immediately went to my brother-in-law's, where we spent the next few days. I was really upset.
Chris insists his brother was being nice and I am being selfish and jealous. He says families should celebrate together on anniversaries. I think it should have been a private time for my husband and me. Am I overreacting? I am still upset. — Coming in Second
Dear Second: You are not overreacting. Chris and his brother seem quite enmeshed, and that relationship is more important to him than the one he has with you. But we don't understand why it has taken you 50 years to decide it bothers you. At this point, it may not be possible to change your husband's behavior, although you might discuss it with him and see if he would be willing to make anniversaries private celebrations — for your sake.
Dear Annie: There are so many articles written on how to get the spark back into a relationship, but I've never seen the obvious one — committing to taking care of the way you look, for yourself, your health and your partner.
During my 18 years of marriage, I have worked hard to maintain my weight. I am still in good shape. I think everyone has an unwritten expectation that their partner won't go to pot, but some people take better care of their cars than their bodies. My husband is 60 pounds overweight, and his doctor told him he qualifies as obese. I know how very hard it is to lose weight, but if couples took pride in their health and looks, there would be a lot more excitement in the bedroom. Turning out the lights is not what I had in mind.
I know I cannot make my husband lose weight, but maybe if you print this, he will understand my point. And maybe a few others will, as well. — Married to Tubby
Dear Married: It's true that some folks decide that marriage means never having to take care of themselves again, but it usually is more complicated. Pregnancy can make future weight loss difficult, stress can cause people to compensate with food, and heavy workloads limit exercise time. Sometimes severe weight or hygiene problems can indicate depression. Please talk to your husband about this and see if you can interest him in eating healthier and getting some exercise — because you love him and want him to be around for a long time.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Stiffed in Iowa," whose parents are giving half of their estate to their alma mater and the rest to their three children. "Stiffed" thinks she and her siblings are entitled to all of her parents' estate. I hope her parents see that letter and are able to teach one more lesson: It would be beneficial to their greedy child to take her share of the estate and donate it to a charitable cause, leaving that child only their best wishes. How proud I would be if my parents had the foresight to do something so wonderful. — Grateful in North Dakota
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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31 Comments | Post Comment
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Yea, I remember that ""Stiffed in Iowa," whose letter seemed too ridiculous to be true. I just couldn't believe anyone would actually think they are entitled to inheritance, which is in itself a "gift." What happened to the time when gifts and favors were appreciated and not demanded?
Comment: #1
Posted by: Felicia Black
Mon Aug 23, 2010 11:17 PM
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LW1 - you'd think this man would get tired of his brother being around so much, or at the very least be more willing to listen to his wife's preferences. Admittedly it is a refreshing change from letters that say, "Following a competitive and jealous childhood...my brother and I had an argument six years ago and haven't spoken since." Still...he wants the brother over on his anniversary? What's wrong with this guy?
Comment: #2
Posted by: Matt
Tue Aug 24, 2010 12:14 AM
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To "Married To Tubby" (LW 2) your so-called "letter for advice" begins with you PRAISING YOURSELF for how well you have "taken care of" your weight and shape. That's fine. Then you slam your husband and sign it with "Married To
TUBBY?" I've struggled with weight issues in my life, and now that I'm diabetic, I'm working harder to eat better, exercise more and keep my glucose levels (blood sugar) in control. Yes, it's tough. But I would NEVER call the man I loved and vowed to stay with him "through sickness and in health" a TUBBY person. Your husband could benefit from a full medical check-up and doctor's advice regarding his weight, strain on his heart, diet and exercise program. As for you, Wife, you need to stop calling your husband rude names and remember that positive
encouragement is always better than negative criticism. To "Coming in Second" (LW 1) you need to get a promise from hubby that your next anniversary and your next out-of-town trip do NOT include Brother. He needs to start slowly peeling himself away from this obsession. Also, is the Brother married? Sounds as if he isn't. Why doesn't he have his own preferred company? Talk to your husband right away about this issue; try to get a verbal commitment from him.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Jean
Tue Aug 24, 2010 12:46 AM
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LW3-I was discussing with my step-daughter and her boyfriend how I didn't feel obligated to scrimp and save just to leave the kids an inheritance. If there is money there when I'm gone, they are more than welcome to it. The boyfriend (who was born with a silver spoon up his butt) informed me that "my" idea was promoting poverty and that each generation had an obligation to make sure the next were financially secure. Now, this comes from a guy who has never worked in his life. He has 2 degrees, graduated a couple years ago and hasn't worked yet. He lives with my step-daughter, who supports him, along with mommy & daddy.
LW2- You sound like my husband but the only difference is that my husband is obese but criticizes me for gaining weight since we've been married. I wish you both would shut up. It's not like we don't have mirrors in the house. We know we're over-weight. Well, my husband sees a stud when he looks in the mirror...all 250 lbs. of him. I know I'm fat, but I'm thinner than he is by a long shot.
Comment: #4
Posted by: shorty50
Tue Aug 24, 2010 3:53 AM
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I just gained a new appreciation for my husband. We have both gained weight in the 21 years we have been married. I a constantly criticizing myself for it. I do comment that because of his diabetes he needs to eat better. Not one time in all these years has he criticized my weight or appearance. I am 80 lbs heavier than when we got married, and I wasn't little then!! I am going to be more aware of my own comments to and about others.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Wilma
Tue Aug 24, 2010 4:21 AM
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I have to agree with the Annie's on LW1. Why has it taken her 50 years to let her husband's close relationship with his brother bother her so much? I hate to break the news to her, but after 50 years of marriage this closeness isn't likely to change. There are few bonds stronger than those between brothers (at least brothers who get along!) On the other hand, a 50th anniversary is something special and her husband should have recognized that this evening should have been about him and his wife. Time with the family should have come secondary.
As for LW2, it's nice that she's taken such fabulous care of herself but maintaining a body is hard work. I for one have to work out at the gym four days a week, do yoga once a week and run ten miles every week as well as watch every little morsel I put in my mouth to stay is shape. Even after all this effort, I'm no Adonis either! Thankfully, I don't have kids or else I wouldn't have the time! Most people have the best of intentions of staying in shape but with work and family obligations they lack the time or patience, or whatever. People are doing the best they can and the LW shouldn't jump all over her husband or judge other people whose bodies don't match HER ideal. She should thank her parents for good genes more than anything.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Chris
Tue Aug 24, 2010 4:26 AM
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I agree with "Married to Tubby". When I look at the people around me, I often wonder when or how they had let themselves go. Always and first most we need to look after ourselves to be able to care for those we love. Really
Chris it isn't that hard. Watch your lifestyle, be happy and get outdoors.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Lhall
Tue Aug 24, 2010 4:53 AM
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Lhall, Uh, Chris just explained to you how hard it is. "Watch your lifestyle, be happy, and get outdoors?" Do you not realize how little control people have over these things when they are working two jobs, have children, are diabetic, have a thyroid condition, PCOS or are simply aging and have a changing metabolism? People are stretched to the max trying to meet their obligations--who are you, a complete stranger, to be piling yet another one on them. And one as foolish as looking good for other people?
My heart goes out to Mrs. Fiftieth Wedding anniversary. I suggest she woman up and do something for herself for a change. Book a hotel and a table for herself, her husband, and a few friends in town. Don't invite the brother. And just go and celebrate the fiftieth in the way she wishes. When the husband says, at the last minute "wait, I'll just call my brother" she will say. "No, I already spent as much of my fiftieth wedding anniversary with him as I want to. This is my evening. You can see your brother tomorrow if you want." Then go through with it. She can't and shouldn't break these two up, but she does need to draw some boundaries.
aimai
Comment: #8
Posted by: aimai
Tue Aug 24, 2010 5:35 AM
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My guess is that the extreme closeness between LW1's husband and his brother hasn't been an issue until recently -- that LW just neglected to tell us that this started after they buried a parent or close friend, or brother moved from across the country, either/both retired from demanding jobs, kids flew the nest, or brother got divorced. I'd bet it's a fairly recent development -- she doesn't mention it happening with other milestone anniversaries along the way.
My advice would be to be enthusiastic about their relationship, BUT to warn your husband in advance when you want some time to yourselves. Maybe YOU call the bro and say, "Alan, I need your help -- can you recommend a really romantic restaurant or inn in your city? Yes, we'll be there for our anniversary next month, and I'd like to surprise him with a candlelight dinner for two and take him to a show afterward. We'd love to catch up with you at breakfast the next morning, if you're free. But shhh-- this is a surprise, so don't let on, OK?"
LW2. Don't kid yourself. You're not doing this for your husband; you're doing this for you. Chris made a lot of good points about the commitment required to stay in shape, and if your husband is feeling under the gun at work or because of family obligations, he may be so tired or depressed that he's putting his own needs after everyone else's. You're right that spouses should always make an effort to think of their partner's needs. I'm just wondering what exactly it is that you're doing to help HIM with things HE thinks are important. Besides, of course, putting in all that time and energy to keep your figure looking spiffy.
Comment: #9
Posted by: hedgehog
Tue Aug 24, 2010 6:05 AM
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LW1 They are best fiends! That is a wonderful thing. Now it is time for you, after 50 years, to explain to Bro and your husband that YOUR anniversary is YOURS...Bro is not invited!!! Say it with a smile but with a no nonsense tone. If your not willing to talk to the boys about this and put your foot down they are not going to change. Sorry, but after all this time he has more in comman with his brother. If you are not into golf or cars, just an example, he is most likely not excited about your conversation about astro physics. I can see you getting an anniversary alone - but forget about the rest of the time.
LW2 My mother passed along her beauty and slender build to me. Nothing I did...just the luck of the draw. I could eat anything at anytime and still had that runway figure. I couldn't believe how people allowed themselves to get so out of shape. HA HA HA HA ...it wasn't INSTANT Karma ...just having 3 kids after the age of 35 and the final blow...turning 45 and an extra 25 pounds. I can laugh now and feel compassion for the rest of the of the tubbies. Life is too short and we'll all fit into our coffins...some of us will just not rattle around in them.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Penny
Tue Aug 24, 2010 6:21 AM
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LW3, I know when my mother passes my siblings and I will be receiving a sizable inheritance. I honestly don't know how I would feel if she wanted to give it to charity, at the same time I don't think she needs to save anything for me. I wish she would travel more and enjoy her money.
Comment: #11
Posted by: What?
Tue Aug 24, 2010 6:39 AM
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Fiftyith Anniversary? How old are u? At least 68 yrs old. Maybe older. My mom and her siblings got closer after retirement, when the kids were involved with their grandkids, not their parents. Hooray that they are close. Didn't u realize a hotel room "near" his brother would include him?
Comment: #12
Posted by: chris
Tue Aug 24, 2010 7:17 AM
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Has he been tagging along for the last 50 anniversaries or was this the first one?
Comment: #13
Posted by: Liz
Tue Aug 24, 2010 7:19 AM
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As I stated before " You must take care of yourself to be able to take care of those you love"
Comment: #14
Posted by: Lhall
Tue Aug 24, 2010 8:01 AM
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Penny, I loved your comment about "all of us fitting into our coffins!" Great line. I also recommend people who are incredibly judgemental about fat people going to a WW meeting--look around at all those thin people and grasp that just a few years ago they,too, were considered hopeless losers by our judgemental society. But they are the same people they were before. Really they are.
Lhall, my great grandfather used to say "I take care of my children's father" (he was a widower) when he did some minor thing for himself. My mother says it to my husband "you must take care of your children's father, and your wife's husband." Its a way of reminding the person to take time for themself. Not a way of saying "shape up or you are failing us!" The difference is in the emphasis. Scaring or shaming a person into valuing themselves? Not a good strategy. Lovingly helping them find time and energy for themselves? Probably a better one.
aimai
Comment: #15
Posted by: aimai
Tue Aug 24, 2010 8:47 AM
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Penny, I loved your comment about "all of us fitting into our coffins!" Great line. I also recommend people who are incredibly judgemental about fat people going to a WW meeting--look around at all those thin people and grasp that just a few years ago they,too, were considered hopeless losers by our judgemental society. But they are the same people they were before. Really they are.
Lhall, my great grandfather used to say "I take care of my children's father" (he was a widower) when he did some minor thing for himself. My mother says it to my husband "you must take care of your children's father, and your wife's husband." Its a way of reminding the person to take time for themself. Not a way of saying "shape up or you are failing us!" The difference is in the emphasis. Scaring or shaming a person into valuing themselves? Not a good strategy. Lovingly helping them find time and energy for themselves? Probably a better one.
aimai
Comment: #16
Posted by: aimai
Tue Aug 24, 2010 8:47 AM
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Chris, Penny, and aimai - Amen!
Comment: #17
Posted by: Ariana
Tue Aug 24, 2010 9:14 AM
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LW2: "Tubby"? TUBBY?? Kiss my fat ass.
Comment: #18
Posted by: PaulM
Tue Aug 24, 2010 12:20 PM
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Married to Tubby needs to cut him loose, and then see how fast some other woman who isn't so picky or judgmental snaps him up. She may find it hard to find somebody else, though, because the men her age who are still trim and good-looking are going after the 20-somethings.
She reminds me of a woman I worked with in the 70s, "Carla." Even though getting married was her only goal, she was extremely picky about looks, height, and income (not so much about whether he was married or not.) If a guy wasn't good-looking or at least 6 ft. tall, she wouldn't date him. If a date didn't take her to a 4-star restaurant, she wouldn't go out with him again.
She made fun of me for not being picky, saying "Oh, Joanna's like God--she loves them all." She worked out all the time to stay slender and piled on the makeup and hairspray, and she was constantly criticizing me about my diet and the fact that I hated singles' bars, where she hung out every weekend. She thought she was going to snag somebody there and turn him into a churchgoer.
Well, I've been married for over 35 years to my tall, good-looking husband, whom I met through a church group, and even though we're both overweight now, when I think of him, I still see him that way. Carla is almost 70 and she never got married. Not even an engagement.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Tue Aug 24, 2010 4:21 PM
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A lot of people are putting down "Married to Tubby," but she has a point. And I say that as someone who has struggled on and off with weight problems for the last twenty years.
Several times in my life I've put on extra pounds. Once I was more than thirty pounds overweight. I had all the health problems people associate with overweight,and my doctor warned me that I was flirting with diabetes and an early death if I didn't change my ways and my diet. The excess body fat, which was in no way attractive, was a warning sign and symptom of decay going on inside that I needed to address.
When people say how hard it is to lose weight, I know that it can be, but I think it is usually because they are following the wrong diet. In my own case I found it almost impossible to lose weight UNTIL I learned more about nutrition and alternative diets. (In my case, it was going on a grain-free diet that finally allowed me to lose the weight, and get back my health and energy. I had to buck my doctor's advice to starve myself on an all American high-carb, low fat, diet, and find a more balanced diet with healthy levels of fat and protein and carbs.) (In my case, what worked was the Zone diet. I've been a healthy weight, and looked better too, since I went on it a few years ago.)
The main point I'm trying to make is that when we give up, and make excuses, and angrily declare that the world should find us beautiful in all our fat glory, we are fooling ourselves. Rolls and rolls of excess body fat are NOT attractive. That much excess weight is a health problem. Sitting around reassuring ourselves endlessly about how pretty we are, or how our inner beauty outshines our outer unattractiveness, and getting mad at friends who refuse to join the chorus, is not a solution, it hiding from reality in our anger and defensiveness.
Excess weight is not beautiful, any more than disease is beautiful. Of course a person of any weight can have an inner beauty worth celebrating. Of course there is more to us than our weight. But pretending that a protruding stomach and all the health problems that go along with it, are attractive, is not doing anyone a service. It's caving in to our "fat is beautiful" subculture, which assumes that we should all "feel good about ourselves" even as we're stuffing our faces with unhealthy foods.
If my husband was like the LW's husband, I'd let him know that as much as I love and admire him, I no longer found him physically attractive. I would ask him to choose between the extra six pack of beer and potato chips, and a sex life. I see nothing wrong with the LW doing something similar.
Comment: #20
Posted by: sarah morrow
Tue Aug 24, 2010 4:31 PM
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Wow, you know what, Sarah Morrow--withholding love, sex, and affection from someone you claim to love because they have put on a few pounds is pretty harsh. What if you do still find your tubby husband sexually attractive? Or he still love you, physically, even after a couple of kids and menopause? Are we all obligated to diet our way to zone health because you can't stand fatties? You identify fat with disease and "inner decay" and say that "a protruding stomach and all the health problems that go along with it [are not] attractive." That's one woman's opinion, both of overweight and ove sexuality. You could say the same exact thing about old age--it comes with obvious changes to one's physical being, many (if not all) of which are degradations from an original, youthful, norm. Is it inevitable and even meritorious for those who love us when we are young and beautiful to reject us when we are old and crepey? Are we all obligated to get face lifts or doomed to our loved ones issuing ultimatums until we do? I've met many former fat people who are similarly judgemental and who get as hooked on being an advocate for a diet as former alcoholics for AA. But you'd think a self declared professional therapist would have a little more scepticism about projecting her personal neuroses and life issues onto the world around her. Not everyone is dying of their weight--and not every couple (thank god) is composed of fat phobes. Some people, like JoannaKathryn up above, just love their spouses for who they are. Not for their mirror image.
aimai
Comment: #21
Posted by: aimai
Tue Aug 24, 2010 5:00 PM
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I agree with some of the other posters here: Why has it taken LW1 50 years to speak up about her husband's preference for his brother's company over hers? If it were me, I would have bluntly asked hubby who he sleeps with in the beginning. My personal interpretation of the wedding vow "forsaking all others" does not just mean physical fidelity to your spouse, it also means emotional fidelity as well; that is, your first loyalty is now to your spouse. Her hubby's relationship with his brother is wonderful (I wish I had a closer one with my own brother) but he is putting it before his marriage.
LW2-This letter reminds me of a previous one but the situation was reversed: the husband criticized his wife's weight and was chagrined when she wouldn't stop dieting. I am so sick of people who look down their noses at others because of their physical appearances. No, I am no Miss America, either. My weight has been a constant battle all my life. Between negative comments from my mother and nasty ones from other kids, it's a wonder I had any self-esteem left when I reached adulthood. It took me years to give them all the mental finger. Thankfully, I am married to a wonderful man who loves me regardless. It blows my mind that people seem to think that treating others in such a negative fashion will make them want to change. As St. Philip of ABC (Dr. Phil) says, "How's that working for you?"
LW3-I agree with this one, too; Stiffed's letter was ridiculous. What a selfish person! When my grandmother passed away, one of my uncles really showed his rear when he didn't get what he thought was owed to him. He tried to make life miserable for my mother and her siblings. He even threatened to take my father to court (my grandmother named had named my Dad, her son-in-law, executor of her estate). Nothing like a death in the family to bring out the best in people (sarcasm). I would have been perfectly happy if my grandmother left me her butter dish. She was a kind and generous woman who loved to cook and feed anyone who showed up at her house. I miss her terribly.
Comment: #22
Posted by: LibraryKat
Tue Aug 24, 2010 7:02 PM
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8/24s LW2: It's wonderful (for you) that you have such an easy time staying in shape... but unfortunately that's not always the case for the rest of us. As alluded to in previous posts, sometimes lifestyle and/or medical issues get in the way.
Due to a severe injury many years ago I was unable to move (much less exercise) and I started to gain weight... after my body started to heal the medications I had to take continued to promote weight gain.. Although I went to the weight loss clinic at the VA and followed all the guidance to the letter... I continued to gain weight. Following conventional wisdom didn't help me, but like Sarah Morrow, through my research I came across a plan that does work... I also eliminated grains from my diet, as well as sugars (I now follow an anti-fungal diet) In addition to losing weight, I have also been able to discontinue the meds... I feel fortunate that throughout the years my family never condemned me because of my weight even though they expressed concern about my health...
I find it interesting that LW2 states that she can't make her husband lose weight...
while it is true that she might not be able to make him lose weight, she could certainly help him! Who in their house hold does the cooking? Who does the grocery shopping?
If she's the chief cook and bottle washer, then she can stock her kitchen with healthy food... whole, raw and fresh foods... not processed junk food. If it's not in the house then he can't eat it. Of course she can't control his decisions on what he eats when he's not at home, but if he's used to eating quality food at home there is a greater chance that he'll make good food choices when he's out...
If she wants him to exercise, she could ask him to walk with her... quality time spent walking and talking (without nagging). Exercise does not need to be done in a gym lifting weights or running on treadmills...
Instead of being part of the problem, she should be part of the solution!
Comment: #23
Posted by: MMB
Tue Aug 24, 2010 11:00 PM
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Re: What?
Exactly. I have siblings (and a stepson) who are salivating. My desire would be for my parents to spend every last penny on what THEY want to do or endow some scholarships for kids with motivation and sense to go further. These morons don't have any money NOW because they don't know how to handle their salaries and expenses. Throwing money at that is only going to grow the problem.
Comment: #24
Posted by: marcia
Wed Aug 25, 2010 5:49 AM
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I think those who think like the second writer should admit the real thoughts behind their posts about "health, caring for oneself, and thoughtfulness." It is right to want ones spouse to be healthy and to support them in a fight against obesity and other illnesses. However, that is not what this writer is complaining about - rather, that she is still great looking and fit and her spouse is not doing what she feels he needs to in order to deserve her. Well, if she bases a person's worth on appearance, maybe he should be wondering why he's wasting his time with someone so shallow. It doesn't matter how beautiful she is externally, she is displaying ugliness loud and clear. She should be reminded, marriage vows don't say 'till you start looking unattractive to me.'
As for the inheritance brat, I know it is planned my siblings and I will receive an inheritance, but I can say I dread it and don't want it obviously because of what it means - that those I love are gone. I do know for a fact that I would give every cent of it back with interest and fees to have my parents with me for one moment more. I certainly am not going to care if they leave something material behind, I'll be too busy missing them.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Mel Maryland
Wed Aug 25, 2010 10:13 AM
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I'm sure I will piss someone off but it isn't my intent...so I apologize in advance if I offend anyone...
My guy and his brother are very close - and because of that, his brother and I are very close. 9 times out of 10 when we do things together - we do them with him too. I'm comfortable with it and we have a great time. I love that they are so close...
Married to Tubby - probably could have been more tactful. I understand that for some people it isn't so easy to lose weight. I'm not skinny a minnie spring chicken myself and I have to work hard to maintain what I do have...I put on 50lbs and it's taken a few years to get just 25 of it off. However, if one person in a relationship works hard to maintain a healthy lifestyle and their partner does not - I don't know all the details but I gather he isn't trying all that hard - it's frustrating. I don't put everything into looks - but I have to maintain a physical attraction and I am just being honest when I say I couldn't do that with a person who was "obese". I'm not trying to be mean - it just is what it is. While she definitely needs some lessons in tact, I do understand her frustration.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Molly B
Wed Aug 25, 2010 1:56 PM
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I'm so tired of hearing overweight people talk about kids, metabolism, their thyroid, stress, big bones, no time to exercise, etc. There is only 1 reason people are overweight, they eat too much. It takes no time and no effort to eat less. I know plenty of people who have kids and never exercised a minute in their life and they are still skinny. They just eat an amount of food that is appropriate for their size and activity level. Fat just doesn't appear out of nowhere, it takes an excess of calories. Don't take in too many, and you will never be overweight.
Of course you can still make the argument that it shouldn't matter, beauty is on the inside, and I'm not arguing that, but don't say you can't lose weight due to time, physical inability to exercise, or any other excuse. Eat less.
Comment: #27
Posted by: TJ
Thu Aug 26, 2010 2:00 PM
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TJ, you really don't get it.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Lynn
Fri Aug 27, 2010 2:11 AM
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Re: TJ--Are you a doctor? You really don't get it. I'm tired of judgmental people who still believe the way you do.
I eat less now than I did when I was in my 20s and drank 3 or 4 Cokes a day, I exercise most days for over an hour (Body Flex, walking/Nordic Trac), and I'm still overweight. I exercise through the pain of a knee injury, too. Eating any less would border on anorexia. If you starve yourself, your body will slow its metabolism down because our bodies are programmed to hold onto weight.
Once a week, I allow myself to have a normal supper, but the rest of the time my "supper" consists of a glass of water with two scoops of fiber/detox powder (glop). My sweet husband sees the struggle I have and tells me I'm beautiful, and my gorgeous, skinny, single girlfriends tell me they wish they could clone him.
Comment: #29
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Fri Aug 27, 2010 9:48 AM
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TJ darling, it takes a HUGE effort for overeaters to eat less. I agree with you that the vast majority of fat people are simply fat because they eat too much. I'm fat myself-and I've been FAT since I was a child. I have an extremely strong urge to eat, OFTEN. It's not hunger, it's just a compulsive URGE. I have lost 60+ lbs four seperate times in the past-by struggling to ignore that urge. But it has NEVER gone away. When I do stop dieting, or try and fail and try again and again-it's always because I'm so miserable from thinking about NOT EATING all day long that I decide in the moment, 'just for a little while', it would be okay to just go ahead and eat and be happy!
Also, you have to remember-the human stomach S-T-E-T-C-H-E-S. An obese person will typically have a stomach that is at least twice as large as a thin persons. So when we do 'eat less'- our stomachs tend to feel far EMPTIER. Try not eating anything for 8 hours TJ. Then allow yourself to eat 1/2 of a small apple....Feel satiated from that? Nope? Well, that's exactly the same level of fullness that your average 250 lb person gets from one 'diet' 400 calorie meal every six hours. I'll say it again- it is a HUGE effort to eat less!
Comment: #30
Posted by: denise
Fri Aug 27, 2010 8:12 PM
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Denise, your post has the kind of rare honesty thats rarely acknowledged by people who weigh more than they like (see the post before you). No, I'm not a doctor. I do weigh more now than I did 15 years ago, when I ate a lot more and a lot worse. I am very interested in bodybuilding and so understand diet, metabolism, and the effects of starving yourself and stomach shrinkage.
To Lynne, I'll tell you exactly what I "dont get." I dont get people I've seen who say they only had a little chicken breast for dinner, but fried it in half a cup of olive oil, or only had a baked potato, but put about half a stick of butter on it, or eat their vegetables, but cooked their spinach with garlic that they fried in a huge amount of oil. Its very easy to eat a little but still take in a huge number of calories. And then there are the people who say they exercised therefore they earned a treat. A 150lb person who walks for 30 minutes burns enough calories to eat 3 Hershey's kisses. But I see people who park in a far spot from the mall and think walking in is their exercise, so they have 2 slices of cheesecake or 4 scoops of ice cream. Please.
Believe me, if I go on a diet for a few weeks, I'm hungry all the time. I know what its like to feel hungry at the END of the meal. I never said it was pleasnt. I once dieted and kept a log of everything I ate and drank. If it went in my mouth it went on a piece of paper. I lost 30 pounds in 60 days. For the first week or two I was hungry constantly. Its a matter of willpower. Most people give in to it. You learn to eat food that is not calorically dense. You have to eat to live and not live to eat. You have to get your pleasure from something other than food.
Again, there are people who admit they weigh more than they like because they love to eat, and there are people who say they only have water for dinner. The laws of physics say matter cant appear out of nothing. Eat less and you'll weigh less. If it was all metabolism from eating too little, then all those Save the Children commercials would only feature fat kids with slow metabolisms.
Comment: #31
Posted by: TJ
Tue Aug 31, 2010 5:46 AM
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