Dear Annie: My boyfriend, "Tyler," and I are both 15. He suffers from depression, and lately it has gotten much worse. He told me he takes many doses of Benadryl each night to help him sleep. He promised he would stop once school was finished, but I can't be sure he did.
A few nights ago, Tyler admitted he had been stealing alcohol from his parents' liquor cabinet. He also mentioned that he wanted to try OxyContin and weed to reduce his misery. When I pleaded with him not to do these things, he said he could do whatever he wished and I could not control him.
I know he could feel better in other ways (seeing a therapist, using antidepressants, etc.), and I have mentioned this to him, but he won't listen. His parents are aware that he is depressed, but don't know about the alcohol and drug abuse. Should I say something? I am sure they would lock the liquor cabinet and make him see a doctor, but I know Tyler will never speak to me again if I tell them.
I feel overwhelmed and burdened with this knowledge. I want to help Tyler get better in a healthy way, but I don't feel comfortable going to my parents about this, and it's stressing me out. Please help. — Scared
Dear Scared: You are smart to see that Tyler is in trouble. His inability to sleep, plus the liquor abuse and hints about OxyContin and pot indicate that Tyler is depressed, stressed and desperate for someone to notice. It would be best if you would talk to your own parents, but if you cannot, then please say something to Tyler's parents about his increased level of depression. If they do nothing, talk to your school counselor in more detail when school resumes. Tyler may become angry, but you will never forgive yourself if you don't step in.
Dear Annie: My dad passed away last year. Unfortunately, my sister and I have since become estranged due to disagreements about who should live in the family homestead, whether it should be sold or rented, how to divide the contents of the home (family photographs, jewelry and memorabilia) and actions my sister has taken since Dad passed.
I honestly do not believe we will ever overcome our disagreements. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with this sad situation? I've cried buckets and tried to let go of the hurt, but haven't been able to. — Sad Sis
Dear Sad: Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for the death of a parent to create an estrangement between siblings. Did Dad have an executor? If not, perhaps your sister would be willing to have a mediator or clergyperson work with the two of you. A neutral third party might still be able to help you and your sister resolve these issues with less rancor. However, if there is no way to maintain a relationship, please get some counseling on your own. You are grieving.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Sick of Saying Yes in N.C.," who was constantly being asked to cut the hair of friends and relatives for free in her off hours.
You recommended she put some starch in her backbone, but you also gave her a bunch of lame excuses to use about being too busy or exhausted. It would be better if she said, "Sorry, but I have neither the time nor energy to do people's hair for free. If you would like to become a regular customer, please call the salon and schedule an appointment." After announcing this a few times, word will spread among both friends and family about the change in policy. — Say What You Mean in Omaha
Dear Omaha: Your suggestion is terrific — if she is willing to use it. In most cases, people need to start with baby steps. Saying "no" doesn't have to be confrontational or even direct. It simply has to be what works.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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9 Comments | Post Comment
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To Scared (LW1), I have multiple health conditions including bi-polar disorder and chronic pain, so I can say I know what Tyler's going through, especially if he has insomnia on top of his depression (which is common) and he therefore feels the need to medicate himself with Benadryl and/or alcohol to help him sleep. I think it would be wise and a kindness to Tyler, in the long run, to ask your parents to help, or a trusted adult, like an aunt, uncle, school counselor, favorite teacher, or if you attend church, your minister or clergyperson. Tyler desperately needs help. With the right doctor and/or therapist, Tyler can receive both medications that are safe and help him relieve his pain enough to sleep well, and he can "get things off his chest" in therapy sessions. Perhaps the doctor or psychologist would allow you to attend a few sessions since you are very caring and a good friend of Tyler's. I wish you luck and hope that Tyler will find the help he needs very soon. To Omaha (LW3) I think your suggested reply by the haircutter is right on. I disagree with the Annies making references to a "confrontation" in being direct. Your reply sounds polite to me and if it said kindly, there is nothing "confrontational" about it; it's merely the plain and simple truth. To LW2, I hope you and your sister can agree on a mediator. It might relieve some of your stress.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Jean
Sun Aug 15, 2010 12:27 AM
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Dear Scared, I agree with Jean: Tyler needs some medical and mental health help right now. Please try to convince him that even an over-the-counter medicine like Benadryl can cause serious problems, even death, if taken in large doses, which Tyler has admitted to you already. If he has access to someone's prescription medication Oxy-Contin, which is morphine in a table and is a VERY potent narcotic, that plus unknown intake of alcohol (any kind, even wine) can lead to an accidental overdose. Tyler is actually putting his life and safety in jeopardy. Please, for his sake, talk to your mom or dad or any trusted adult right away! God bless you both.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Jean
Sun Aug 15, 2010 12:36 AM
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My name is Liz and for some reason, my post showed the name "Jean." I am not the same person who wrote the first post. I'm trying again to get my name to post right. I am new at posting remarks on the computer.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Liz
Sun Aug 15, 2010 1:47 AM
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LW1's story is sad but it's good that she's willing to stick by her depressed and miserable friend. LW1 should realize that telling her friend's parents is the right thing to do. While he may be angry with her for awhile, she'll take consolation in the fact that her simple action might just save his life. One day, this friend might even thank her for intervening. Let's hope the parents aren't "too busy" or too aloof to take serious action and get their boy some serious help.
LW2 and her sister are finding themselves the victims of avarice. Together, they should put their differences aside and each select a memento of their parents or family home for it's purely sentimental value. Everything else should be auctioned off or given away and the proceeds donated to a scholarship fund in their beloved parents' name. Perhaps the fund could be set up at the local high school in the community in which the parents lived or at one of the parent's college or university. Material things are just that...things. They can't be taken with us when we're gone and neither should they remain to cause strife or estrangements.
Final note: to those who are having trouble with incorrect user names posting to comments, ditch Internet Explorer on Windows and use either Google's Chrome browser or Mozilla's Firefox. IE has more than a few bugs.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Chris
Sun Aug 15, 2010 6:39 AM
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The Benadryl is probably making Tyler feel way worse. Info here about side effects (and note that it should NOT be taken with alcohol): http://www.drugwatch.com/benadryl/side-effects.php
I hope that LW2 will find a mediator who's experienced with this sort of situation. It could help a lot.
Re LW3: I agree that the straightforward approach is best. She can say, "I'm sorry, but I just can't cut anyone's hair for free anymore. Too many people were asking me to do it. I hope you understand. But if you'd like me to keep cutting your hair, please feel free to make an appointment at the salon." She can be firm and polite at the same time.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Van Wickle
Sun Aug 15, 2010 9:37 AM
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A better suggestion for LW-3 is to announce she is willing to trade for her service. One haircut for an hour of yardwork, housekeeping, grocery shopping, car washing or the like. Put these freeloaders on the spot, ask them what they are willing offer. When they "hem" and "haw" she can tell them to get back to her when make up their mind. This will end her problem as she will have few takers.
Comment: #6
Posted by: CJ
Sun Aug 15, 2010 11:51 AM
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LW1 - Your boyfriend is a ticking time bomb. PLEASE talk to his parents. Even if he becomes angry and never speaks to you again you have at least done what is right for HIS sake.
LW2 - I agree, I hope you can find a mediator to work out the situation. IMHO an estate attorney might be best as they would know what you legally can and can't do with the property and such.
LW3 - I like this suggestion... and the person who originally had the dilemma must also understand that a number of people become offended after they hear their free lunches are going away, no matter how nicely it's stated. She's not obliged to indulge such responses or the emotions behind them.
Comment: #7
Posted by: PS
Sun Aug 15, 2010 3:41 PM
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To Scared,
If it is too hard to talk to Tylers parents directly or you feel he will be upset with you, tell your own parents and ask them to intervene for you on Tylers behalf. Sometimes teens have to do things that are very difficult and this sounds like one of those times. Put faith in your parents and ask them to do it and you will feel relieved on several levels; you wont be the "one who told" but the job will still get done and you will also have a stronger bond with your own family. Best of luck to you and Tyler. My daughter trusted me and it makes me very happy.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Deena
Sun Aug 15, 2010 6:51 PM
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To "Sick of Saying Yes in N.C.,",
If it helps, try to imagine that you were a cleaning lady. Would you clean friend's bathrooms for free in your off hours?
No way! right? I hope it gives you courage to say No to friends and relatives expecting your services for free.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Julie
Mon Aug 16, 2010 1:09 PM
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